Sweet Shame: Humbling, psychological and verbal domination

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By ChrisM © 1998-2002 of SubBondage.net

On Scene composition

Purpose of a scene in general: to gain elevation, spiritual, sexual, physical. to be lifted up, transported out of the ordinary, to bring excitement, aliveness, ecstasy, profound understanding of who and what you are.

...And to bind you to your partner, to connect at a level of intimacy beyond what were used to.

Two Topping Principals:
The tops job is to 1 seduce and consume consent
and 2 to earn trust

consent means willingness or interest to engage in sadoerotic play at the present moment. Obviously this "will to continue" will rise and fall over the scene depending on how demanding the action is. Even a total touch slut could weary of pampering over time, and want something different. Seduce consent means maintain interest enthusiasm and the bottoms sense that they can endure.

Its not enough for the top to maintain the bottoms courage, he must succeed in challenging it as well. Therefore there are two opposing forces the top should be able to marshal: To consume seduce consent, do things that motivate the bottom to go on. To consume consent devise tactics to challenge the bottoms capacity to go on, exhaust their endurance, physical stamina, mental will. Orchestrated correctly this makes a session more than just a sensationfest, but a sort of dueling which the bottom may succeed or fail a series of tests that you orchestrate.

Some grade tops on how far they can push their limits, the new places they can be taken to. And

Earn trust is actually a prerequisite
Trust isn’t always earned. Perhaps in a better world it would be. But sometime people trust for no other reason than they decided to. They were hungry they were horny, the moment felt right. Things that earn trust. Competence. Reputations can be faked through phony testimonials and rave reviews coming from partisan sources. Poor reputation can be orchestrated as well. None of its certainty. The greatest cheats and screw-up are among the most attuned to reputation, and work the hardest at appearing legit

SM is a game where trust determines the size of the field you get to play with. How you play with that area often changes the shape and area. You do a poor job and the area of trust grows small. Do a great job and the game field increases in size, annexing new areas that were off limits before.

The trust lays out the playing field
How its used determines how much playing field there will be.

Some of its personal
Personal chemistry can play a big role.

The bottoms job is to consent honestly and be open to surprise.

For the top: this means having two general tactical approaches: Push techniques and Pull techniques.

A DANCE OF LIGHT AND DARKNESS:
THE ART OF ORCHESTRATING AN SM SCENE

THE TOP’S MISSION PART 1 : SEDUCE AND CONSUME

The top’s job is to seduce and consume consent and to earn trust.

The next time you watch a really good flogging scene you may notice two basic strategies being alternately employed: Hard, stinging blows that push the bottom towards the edge of their endurance; and then gentler techniques to lull them back from the precipice, seducing them into readiness for the next onslaught. This approach, alternating hard and soft, gentle and harsh, challenge and comfort, is fundamental, not only to flogging but also to knife play, bondage, Humbling and virtually all SM styles.

Let’s call these tactics "Pull" and "Push".

Though different for everyone, "push" tactics confront and challenge the bottom. They may include physical pain, emotional Humbling, expression of disapproval, punishment, unfamiliar situations, or things that infringe on or threaten known hard or soft limits.

Pull tactics do the opposite. Though different for everyone, "pull" techniques restore comfort, and courage for the bottom allowing to fully absorb the previous onslaught of "Push" and to prepare them for the next. Over the course of a session, the top alternates between inflicting "push" and rewarding with "pull" over a scene alternately challenging them and restoring their ability to go on.

"Push" and "pull" are strategies for inducing different responses in your partner.

Pushing the bottoms will to continue. Too much push and your victim won’t be able to go on. Too little and they might fall asleep. So we alternate between beating the daylights out of someone and rewarding them with caresses. Grinding down their endurance and then replenishing it. Lets call that will to continue "consent" "Consent" in this context means something more specific than the bottoms desire to engage in SM. It means their willingness to endure more punishment

"consent of the moment" or willingness to continue. the bottom’s faith in the scene, their willingness to endure, and their appetite for more. In his book "Flogging" Joseph Bean states that the top’s mission is to seduce and consume consent. What does THAT mean?? It means that over the course of the session, your job is to tease up the level of your partners consent, grind it down, then tease it up again. The illustration below shows how push and pull tactics affect the bottom’s consent.

This shows how consent is manipulated by push and pull but needs something else to complete it: recognition of the detainees limits. Lets discuss those limits for a moment. Perhaps you’ve seen that phone book sized survey that exists on the web somewhere where you rate on a scale of one to ten how you feel about anal sex, bestiality, cock and ball torture, dildo worship etc... If you’ve ever seen it, it reads like a menu of the finest foods you could imagine and the most stomach turning. But I’ll bet you say items you recognized with pleasure, blushing curiosity, and absolute negation. Although no one would check the exact buttons you chose, their would be a green band of stuff you like, a yellow band of stuff you might be able to do, and a red area you don’t want to go near.

As the top ratchets up the intensity and the bottom is nudged towards the edge of their endurance, we say the top is consuming the bottom’s consent. Before the bottom’s will to continue is exhausted, the top shifts from harsh treatment to sweet, bestowing mercy, pulling the bottom back from the brink, restoring their courage and willingness to take more. This we call seducing consent. Then the cycle begins again, Carrot and stick. Sweet and bitter, punish and forgive, seduce and consume.

A gentler analogy of the same idea: the courtship game of playing hard to get. The lady being courted has the role of top, her pursuer is the bottom. The wooer’s mission is obvious, but his intended quarry has a more complex job. Assuming she is interested, she will make her seducer jump through hoops for her, flirt shamelessly then feign disinterest, alternate aloofness and allure. And why? To make it matter! And human nature is such that for it to matter, it often has to hurt. The wooers hope must be repeatedly ground down to where almost none remains. When hope is restored it will be received with reverence and gratitude.

I would add to the tops mission that he earn the bottoms trust. I will treat this as an independent equally important issue, that follows different behavior. But lets deal with consent first and the tops two distinct modes of approach: Seduce consent, consume consent. Let’s call these tactics "Pull" and "Push".

"Push" tactics push the limits, create duress, consume consent, and push the bottom towards the edge of their endurance, or the withdrawal of pull techniques described above. Push can encompass the withdrawal of pull techniques described below.

"Pull" tactics pull the bottom back from the edge, seducing consent, moving the action towards the comfortable and familiar. Pull tactics include massage, touch, soothing words, temporary relief from Humiliation or pain, a respite in a flogging, or the temporary release from stringent bondage, water to relieve a parched throat, bondage adjustments to relieve tingling hands, affection, caresses, gestures of encouragement, reward for the bottom’s effort, sexual arousal, respite from painful or edgy push techniques, things that the bottom likes and that do not infringe on hard or soft limits. You can "Pull" with sexual stimulation, orgasm, the disarming use of humor or even by sharing how much you’re enjoying the scene. Pull includes relief from painful or edgy "push" techniques, things that the bottom likes and that do not infringe on hard or soft limits. Thuddy impact play tends to be pull, especially when to contrast with sting. And aftercare is all pull, a vital closing phase to restore the bottom’s confidence and well being.

Defined thus, a scene is a drama acted out between bottom and top, the top alternating between passages of pull, and passages of push elements that alternately lure consent forward and push the limits which gobble it up, making the sub wonder if she can endure it, only to be reassured by pull elements that once again replenish courage and seduce willingness to continue. So "Pull" techniques restore willingness to go on. "Push" tactics consume it. Consent rises during "pull", plunges during "push" like a sine wave, or the trajectory of a roller coaster, always driven by the actions of the top. (see below)

First doing gentle, warm up activities, then turning up the octane, then throttling back when the bottom appears to be within comfortable limits...

It is on the downward slope where the bottom feels maximal duress, fear, panic, wide eyed helplessness, begging, ecstatic joy. Many tops, certainly sadist ones, live for the bottom’s reactions during the downward toboggan ride, and the rush of power that comes from savoring the bottom’s distress. So do masochistic bottoms, most bottoms really, if the rise and fall of consent is well orchestrated. One could argue that a good scene is measured by the total length of descent, the summed length of each downward swoop. By way of contrast, consider a scene that starts too heavy and ends in quickly in a safe word. The consent trajectory would consist of one single descent, crash landing in "red". The total downward slope, or one with very little push, would both come up short using this metric.

Even so, its important to always stop short of punching through the floor and consuming all of the bottoms consent. Once consent is exhausted and gone, the bottom, by definition, no longer wants to be there, and may well use their safe word, ending or at least interrupting the session. Even if no safe word has been given, the bottom may be present in body only, gritting his teeth, hating it, maybe hating you. Clearly the magic of the scene is hinged on maintaining the bottom’s desire to continue, even during fear, panic, pain, or shamefaced humiliation. True, there are exceptions to this: heavy sessions between people who know and trust one another well, beat downs, punishment scenes, or activities framed within a dominant and submissive context that does not openly acknowledge consent. But these exceptions are rare, and should only be attempted if you and your partners really know what your doing, for safety, ethical and legal concerns.

Like a roller coaster, it is during push, on the downward slope (it’s shaded in Graph 1) where the bottom feels maximal duress, fear, panic, wide-eyed helplessness, begging, machine gun heart rate. Many tops, certainly the more sadistic ones, find their peak experience in savoring the bottom’s distress during the downward plunge. (Masochistic bottoms like it too). You could even argue that a great scene is characterized by the total descent over the scene’s duration. Many sensual players, on the other hand, prefer the bottom of the curve, the "rescue" experience, when the top shifts from cruelty to comfort, punishment to forgiveness, pain to reassurance, and warmth.

When Seducing and consuming consent become the central focus of the scene SM is no longer about the sterile application of technique but the interaction of whole personalities. The top is not just thwacking away with a flail, but orchestrating a dramatic conflict, one set up for the bottom to win, but not without struggle. The soft passages provide breathing room, allowing the bottom to collect their wits, and prepare for the next onslaught of rough stuff. And the rough stuff takes them to the edge, with all of the thrills, chills, emotion and arousal that only the edge can provide. A good top moves fluidly between push and pull throughout the scene, using their contrast to create energy, suspense. Consciously alternating between, push and pull gives you with a lot of power in controlling the pace and intensity of a scene. It allows you to accommodate a bottom’s sudden drop of composure, by downshifting into pull. If your push does nothing to consume consent you can go farther.

The habit of focusing on consent also establishes the bottom’s response, as the central concern it ought to be. To manipulate someone’s consent you have to get to know them, and their inner state, not merely the condition of their back as it goes to pink, to red, to blood. When playing games of push and pull, you notice faces, posture (clenched and tight, or supple and relaxed?), and the sounds your victim makes (Soft cooing, anguished pleas, or stoic trembling silence?) It’s a lot more fun than performing drum solos on someone’s rear end.

Alright, examples. Lets take anal sex. Done right, the delicate tango between bottom and top be deliciously humiliating, exquisitely pleasurable, terribly exciting. Done wrong it can be traumatizing, injurious and just plain awful. Mastery of push and pull, gentle and bold, are pivotal in making this scene sparkle. Consent must be coaxed through foreplay, soft words, caresses and plenty of lube. For the top to just stampede ahead regardless of the bottom’s reaction. might make a great fantasy, but risks demolishing the scene, leaving the bottom, feeling used, betrayed, unerotically hurt, and pissed off.

Different example: Knife play with a harmless dull blade. Unlike the previous example, genuine physical injury is not a looming possibility, even sharp pain may not be possible. The pull here is easily achieved with gentle caressing strokes. But pull can be achieved by surprise, sudden changes in the speed and direction of the knife strokes, by rough commanding language, by letting the tip explore intimate places while describing in wicked detail what you are going to do next. Handled properly even a credit card can feel like a straight razor.

It is a tough and rare bottom who want a scene that is all push. But it would be hard to build an exciting scene exclusively from "pull" techniques. Two examples. First, a scene that heats up so fast, and with so little warm up that it ends in safe word. The consent curve would form a single plunging dive, ending the unsexy collapse of the bottoms composure.

Now lets look at a different sort of failure, this time a weak scene with too little push. This could be a flogging that ends early or is far milder than the bottom wants, or can handle. We are not accustomed, in current SM parlance, to thinking of scenes like these as failures but I believe they are. Like a massage that doesn’t penetrate deep enough to loosen up knotted muscles, a scene that doesn’t push the bottom hard enough can leave them frustrated, unsatisfied, hungry for more, even angry. In this scenario (illustrated below) consent drifts ever upwards and is never adequately consumed. Tops who are unable or unwilling to consume consent adequately are teased behind their backs buy unsatisfied bottoms and called "warm-up-tops" by bottoms who want more challenge in their play. Think of the unconsumed consent as unmet demand

Its vital to remember never to consume all of the bottom’s consent. Once consent has vanished, the bottom, may want out and they may safe word, ending or interrupting the session. Worse still they may want to Safe word but feel able to, out of shame, fear of angering or disappointing you, or because of personal issues of their own. They may be on that cross with gritted teeth, clenched fists, and a pounding headache, hating every instant, and maybe hating you. Not a successful scenario. The magic of the scene hinges on the bottom’s willingness and desire to continue, even during fear, panic, pain, or shamefaced humiliation. True, there are special case scenes that do not openly acknowledge consent: heavy sessions between people who know and trust one another well, beat downs, punishment scenes, or activities framed within a dominant and submissive context. But these exceptions are rare, and should only be attempted if you and your partners really know what you want, and what your doing, for safety, ethical and legal concerns.

Having said all this, some important subtleties remain:

• People differ scandalously in what they consider edgy and enjoyable. Room 101 in Orwell’s "1984", which contains "the worst thing in the world" is different for everyone. Likewise, our experience of pleasure is as individual as snowflakes.
• Context plays a huge role also in whether an activity is perceived as menace or comfort. Acts of sexual intimacy, for example, may be lovely and comforting from a loved one; unendurable from a stranger.
• Also as a bottom warms up, many things that were intolerable towards the beginning of a scene, become easier to take, even joyously pleasurable as the scene progresses and the bottom warms up. Things that were once push can become pull if the scene progresses well.
• Some want no struggle at all in their SM, only a pure sensual experience with no rough spots at all. There are both tops and bottoms in this category, whose play is gentle as a kitten and like it that way. And there’s nothing wrong with mellow sensual play. But sensual tops need to bear in mind is that soft play like warm wax play, erotic flogging, and erotic massage, while great at seducing consent, don’t always consume it. And many people who turn to SM want some degree of challenge, to feel their limits approached if not actually tested. If the scene you create isn’t exciting or challenging enough, your partner may come out of the scene bored, unsatisfied or wishing you had gone farther. Many a bottom have found themselves seduced by someone who hasn’t the inclination or the means to deliver what the bottom is ready for and really needs. I am always amazed at the number of people who complain that they can find no one they trust to hit them hard. The chart below tracks a scene in which consent is seduced and not consumed. You can think of it as unmet demand.
• Another issue to consider is that tops may not be satisfied by a scene that is too easy on the bottom. Speaking personally, I am happy to top someone who cant show marks, doesn’t like pain, even who wants to direct the scene from the below, but I wouldn’t make a steady diet of it. I like the drama that arises from a scene that feels edgy, scary, makes my partner struggle to maintain a grip. Its really no different from what happens in an action film or a suspenseful novel. Done well, it keeps you engaged, wanting to follow it to the end, even if you can barely force yourself look at the screen. Done poorly, it drives you from the theater (The cinematic equivalent of a safe word). Done successfully, such an ordeal gives a gratifying sense of achievement, and catharsis, like the experience I felt watching Sigourney Weaver blowing away monsters in "Aliens." So its a dance of light and dark: too intense and it scares the bottom out of the zone. Not compelling enough and they leave bored, or unsatisfied. Finding that line inching up to it, backing off, approaching it again, watching it move is an incredible game – chess for the entire body and mind.

By "seducing" consent I do not mean stealing it through deception, but winning the interest and willingness of a potential partner through word and deed. I happen to love the slow dance of seducing first curiosity, then desire, then consent from my partner. I love the moment when they turn over the reigns, decide to stop deciding. I love starting slowly then turning up the heat, watching them struggle, savoring their anxiety and fear, before shifting direction, restoring their courage, comfort and trust to where I can ride them hard again. It is vital to restore that consumed consent after a hard push. Any good top knows a bottom can shoulder a lot more pain if you mix in some occasional sweetness. SM can be painful, embarrassing, even humiliating, but it should never demoralize or grind someone down. It should leave both top and bottom feeling good afterwards even if it hurts like almighty God.

The following chart shows consent plotted over the duration of a successful scene. All three phases of the scene -seduction, work, and aftercare- are shown.

For a scene to even be contemplated some consent must already exist (Arrow A). During the seduction phase interest is expressed, ideas explored and terms negotiated (to whatever degree) and further consent is seduced. As the work phase begins, and actual "play" commences a good top will try to warm their partner up with light stuff (pull elements) to seduce more still (Arrow B). Eventually the top will raise the intensity "pushing" harder, challenging the bottoms endurance, and driving their consent downward, making them fearful, pain, struggle. (Arrow C). Before all the consent has been depleted the top switches over to pull tactics again, drawing the level of consent back up through pull activities, and the cycle begins again.

If the scene progresses well, the bottom’s consent will tend to rise over the scene’s duration. Play elements will also begin shifting from Push to Pull. Things that were challenging and harsh towards the beginning will become sensual and luscious, and you may have to up the octane on your push elements, by increasing the strength of your flogging, or the tightness of your bondage knots. At the scenes conclusion, after some satisfying number of ascents and descents some consent should remain unconsumed in accordance with the dictum advising we "always leaving ‘em wanting more." Aftercare will restore consent further.

Scenes that go well will increase trust over the course of the scene. Even when consent has been beaten down to next to nothing, if a bedrock of trust remains, the bottom will be able to hang on. If trust is gone, even the mildest play might be unpleasant.

In addition to seducing and consuming consent, the top must earn the confidence, and respect of their partner. There are many faces to this quality - responsibility, maturity, and active concern for others. But the response you want to evoke is trust, the bottom’s recognition of the tops worthiness to wield power over them.

Trust is frankly a more solid metric of worth than consent. Consent can be granted on a whim. And while consent can be bounced up and down like a yoyo over the course of a scene, trust is slower to form, easier to erode, and harder to restore. Trust grows as you get to know someone and find that you can rely on them. It can also be eroded if you discover them to be unreliable, false, or unworthy of your respect. And notice also the difference in verbs. Consent is seduced; trust is earned. To seduce consent you need nothing more than a silver tongue, a massive toy bag, six-pack abs, a glowing reputation, or the twinkle in your baby brown eyes. To earn trust requires more than the skill to get potential partners hot. You must also appeal to their intellect and common sense to the point where another human being is comfortable giving you power over them.

Though independent, trust and consent are interrelated. Greater trust supports greater readiness to consent. A trust deficit will generally undermine someone’s willingness to grant consent. On the other hand, people do consent in the absence of any basis for trust beyond personal intuition. That’s basically what happens when you play with someone you don’t know. You have cut them an advance in trust. Abusive relationships might be characterized as situations where consent is given in spite of an absence of trust, with full knowledge of the abusers unworthiness. But Scenes that go well will build trust over their duration. In fact, trust should gradually rise over the course of a scene even when consent is being bounced up and down.

If trust is strong enough the bottom will be able to hang on, even when consent has been beaten down to next to nothing,. If trust is gone, even the mildest play might be Impossible.

Lets return to the green yellow and red zones. If modulating consent is the game of moving the bottoms consent with respect to the yellow and red zones. Trust is the mechanism that allows those boundaries to move. Getting closer and closer to the zone where someone will yield themselves to say anal penetration , lube, lots of holding, the absence of any pain because your going slowly, the proven willingness to take no as an answer, if no is the answer, these all allow red zone boundaries to become flexible and to shift, as trust is earned. Likewise if you blow it and undermine trust the green and yellow zones will contract, rendering areas once navigable, unobtainable until trust is earned again. If you loose enough trust the green area contracts to zero.

Trust is the total area you feel comfortable exploring
Consent means "will of the moment" your willingness to hang on to endure more.

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