"You're Not A Proper Sub!"

By *k

Recently, a friend of mine told me a story. She is a new submissive, exploring the scene and her place in it. It is frightening to her, but the things she explores all seem to be right for her, and she's growing in confidence and self-assurance. That is, she was growing in self assurance. What happened? She had a scene with a new Dom.

This Dom was a friend of hers, so she trusted him to a reasonable degree. He was also new to the scene and hadn't really had much experience yet with a real-life partner. They were at the "asking questions" stage, and because she didn't yet have any experience with spankings, she agreed to have one to help her get an idea of what her limits were. He struck her so hard with a toy that he split her skin. To add insult to injury, when she told him that it hurt and asked if spanking meant hitting that hard, he told her, "You're not a real submissive. You're too questioning."

Pardon me while I get up on my soapbox.

NO ONE DECIDES HOW MUCH OF A SUBMISSIVE YOU ARE.

You decide how submissive you are. You decide if you want to scene or if you want to be in a lifestyle relationship. It's your decision if you want to play with toys or if you prefer hands. It's your decision how hard "too hard" is. It's your decision if you would like to add sadism and masochism to your play or if you honestly just want to deal with the mental trust issues that D/s entails. It's your decision if you would like to play with a new Dom/me, and it's your decision what that play will involve. All these things are decided inside you, by what your head and your heart are telling you.

Now, it is entirely conceivable that your style of submission will not match another person's style of Dominance. That's fair enough, and that's the way the world works. Just because we are sub DOES NOT mean that we have to tailor who we are to suit the next available Dom/me. I once knew a switch who was afraid that he was "too perverted", and wanted "the wrong kind of commitment" to ever find a permanent partner. He complained that he could find women to Domme him, but they always insisted he give more than he was prepared to give. Now the same friend is blissfully happy, living with another switch about whom he swears, "I think she's even more perverted than me!" You will eventually meet your perfect Dom/me, and that person will think you are their perfect sub. It's just like dating in the vanilla world.

It's possible that you yourself don't know how much of a submissive you are. If you're new to the scene and just exploring, it's easy to turn to someone who says they are experienced for guidance. Guidance is great, and there are some hard-and-fast definitions and rules in the scene: we define Dom/me and sub the same universally, and SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) is our creed. Beyond that, you're looking for guidance in discovering the kind of sub you are, not in the kind of sub your friend/mentor wants you to be.

Just as no one has the right to tell you that you're not the "right" kind of submissive, you do not have the right to tell someone else that they're the "wrong" kind of Dom/me. Their style may not agree with yours, true. They may be too gentle or playful or strict or demanding for your tastes. All of that is valid. That is who they are, though. If they're expressing who they are, and how the feel and what they imagine, then that's what's right for them. Let them express themselves their way, while you express yourself your way, and you'll both find your ideal partners.