Was That Dominant, Or Was It Just Rude?

By Unknown Author

Some folks have this image of dominants as people who always go around dressed in black leather, verbally abusing and haranguing everybody from store clerks to unsuspecting postal carriers to their next-door neighbors. While I do know a few folks who really act this way (and they're mostly newbie male tops, chuckle), I don't know any folks who act this way who I would consider a responsible and in-control adult, let alone a dominant.

In my lexicon, "Dominant" does not translate to "Asshole". They are two entirely different concepts. People who are discourteous, inhospitable, insecure, rude, pushy, arrogant or nasty, playing power games in real life with nonconsenting others, do not strike me as potentially being responsible or safe dominants. They strike me as being insecure and possibly emotionally unstable, and more likely to behave abusively than responsibly if given the power to do so. Acting like a rude SOB isn't proof of dominance; it's proof that you have no manners and you are socially stunted.

I have occasionally surprised some BDSM community folk who came to visit when they were in town, because I behaved like a polite host rather than "A Dominant." Sheesh, what did they expect, I was going to pour their coffee on the floor and tell them to lick it up? Chuckle. Not on my hardwood floors. Maybe they did expect that, but without explicit negotiation and consent, I just don't go around assuming I have the right to top the world. Your personal sexual orientation is not a "Rudeness Free License" to everybody, no matter what it happens to be.

If someone consents to play BDSM games with you and consents to be submissive to you for the period of time you negotiate, it might well be appropriate to order them around, exercise your power over them and expect them to address you by a title of authority. However, extending that attitude towards people who don't have that kind of intimate relationship with you is in my mind a very serious mistake.

If your wife consents to have sex with you and enjoys it when you kiss and fondle her, that is all very well and good. It is not however automatic license to kiss and fondle intimately every person you meet socially - that would tend to get you punched out very quickly, or even killed or thrown in jail.

Likewise, if one person (or several people) consent to be submissive towards you, it does not translate to giving you the right to behave dominantly towards everyone in sight. Assertively and with self confidence, yes. Aggressively or intimately dominant, no. Consent is a very good thing to be sure of before you attempt to assume a dominant or even a submissive role towards someone.

People who have the need to play petty dominance games in real life that hurt and belittle people aren't dominants, or at least they aren't confident enough in their own dominant status not to be constantly jockeying for position by knocking other people. Being rude to others, belittling them, playing one-upmanship games, bragging, etc, is not dominance. It's rudeness. Rude people are rarely responsible dominants and responsible dominants are rarely rude people. Just my observations on the subject.