SM Orientation: Important?

By Master Ron K.

The Leather Journal
Issue 52

When we think of the word orientation the first thing that comes to mind is our sexual orientation. More bluntly put, do we like the same sex, the opposite sex, or both. Regardless of how often I hear my brothers and sisters talking about their sexual orientations, seldom do I hear people in the leather community talking about their SM orientation. Of course, we tell each other whether our orientation is "Top" or "bottom" by how we flag using the hanky code. But I don't hear us talking much about how the orientations of SM work together or how important it is that they match.

When I was asked to write this article, the first thought that passed through my mind was, "Is what I have to say important enough to be printed?" After thinking about it a bit, I decided that it was, if only because it gives our community access to another view of our very special style of loving. The more our varying views are shared, the better we will understand and relate to the differences among our brothers and sisters. By learning to understand and relate to these varying views of SM, we grow closer, and, as a result, our community grows stronger.

In this writing I do not intend to address the issues of sexual orientation beyond the following. To me, SM is a wondrous playground of the mental and physical. I seldom think of sexual intercourse during SM play, as I am having a sensual and sexual experience on a totally different emotional and physical plane. Because I believe that my SM experience is on a totally different plane, I seldom consider the sexual orientation of my partners to be an issue. I get the same basic pleasure playing with persons of all sexual orientations if their SM orientation is compatible with mine and we have solid open lines of communication. From my experience, only about five percent of SM play is explicitly tied to the sexual orientation of my partners, and this is basically limited to play with the genitals. With the wide area that is left, I find that I do not lack for ways to tease and entice my partners and have yet to be dissatisfied with the result, for myself or my partners. I ask those of you who limit your play because of your sexual orientation to reconsider the basis for your limits. There are so many wonderful brothers and sisters you can become friends with, learn from, and enjoy marvelous SM with without entering into sexual orientation play. I believe that if you open yourself to the possibilities, you will be enriched by the special men and women you come to know and care about.

Tops
To begin, I am going split the generic group "Tops" into a slightly more refined set of sub-groups. I believe that "Tops" come in three basic types, "Dominants", "Sadists", and "Dominant Sadists." Each of these types have their own special mixture of skills and abilities. In my opinion, both "Dominants" and "Sadists" borrow elements from the other's bag of tricks on a frequent basis, but in the borrowing, the word "borrow" being the key, there is an admission that they are assuming a role that is not natural to themselves.

• Type A - Dominants, those people who enjoy their abilities to use and control the power of their submissives. That is their special gift and what they consider to be most erotic. A "Dominant" can learn to do sadistic things, but they never really get the rush from being sadistic on an emotional and psychological level that the "Sadist" does. The "Dominant" gets a rush from being Dominant and using their control over the person who is submitting to their desires.
• Type B - Sadists, those persons who quite frankly get a sexual charge out of causing pain in the masochist who has consented to be tortured. While a Sadist may use some of the same skills that the Dominant does, their erotic feelings come from the pain they inflict and the response they get from the masochist who is receiving pleasure from that pain.
• Type C - Dominant Sadists, on occasion you will meet a person who is both Dominant and Sadistic. The "Dominant Sadist" is a rare bird, not better or worse than the "Dominant" or the "Sadist", Just gifted with different skills and needs. In the "Dominant Sadist" you will find a seamless mixture of Dominance and Sadism. The "Dominant Sadist" uses their combined abilities to instinctively create situations that involve their bottoms in acts of submission, masochism, or both from a wondrous variety of directions. One time they might use their dominant style to set up a very sadistic situation, the next they might use their sadistic style to set up a very submissive response in their bottom. The point being that they bring all of their naturally "Dominant" and "Sadistic" skills to the encounter, there are no gaps between their physical, psychological, or emotional involvement in what is happening with their bottom.

Bottoms
Just as with Tops, I believe that we can separate bottoms into three basic sub-groups, these sub-groups being "submissives", "masochists", and "submissive masochists." Each of these types have their skills and abilities just like Tops. They will also borrow skills from one another to satisfy the Tops involved, but their real pleasure comes when they match up with Tops of their own type. Because bottoms so often want to be pleasing as a natural part of their personality, regardless of type, it is far easier for a bottom to get themselves into a situation where they cannot be truly satisfied. It is also one of the dangers for Tops when interviewing bottoms. Bottoms can be misleading in their answers without intending to be deceptive.

• Type A - Submissives, those people who enjoy giving themselves to Dominants for the Dominant's satisfaction and pleasure. Submitting to the Dominant's will and desire is what trips their trigger and brings them pleasure. While they may not enjoy painful experiences, they can enjoy submitting to the experience if that is what the Dominant wants from them. However, if their submission becomes primarily pain oriented, they experience a loss of satisfaction. It then feels like abuse.
• Type B - Masochists, those people who simply get a rush out of being subjected to pain-filled experiences. While the masochist will behave submissively to get into a masochistic experience, their rush comes from the pain-filled experience and not their act of submission. If they don't get their need to experience pain met often enough, they lose their desire to submit to dominance alone.
• Type C - Submissive Masochists, those truly versatile people who not only get a rush from being submissive, they also get a rush from being the subject of pain-filled experience. The submissive masochist is also a truly rare individual. They bring to the table a full complement of abilities to process sensations from the full spectrum of SM play, and they do so in the same seamless fashion that is reciprocal to the style of the Dominant Sadist. The submissive masochist needs experiences that mix both being dominated and some form of painful sensation to be satisfied. One or the other will suffice for a short time, but to really enjoy their experience a mixture of both is required.

Why is SM Orientation Important?
I believe that recognizing, understanding, and being in tune with our own SM orientation is essential to having the tools that we need to build long-lasting and satisfying relationships with our lovers. It makes little sense for a Dominant to take a masochist as a lover, or for a Sadist to take a submissive as a lover, because sooner or later one or the other partner is going to recognize that their needs are not being met. When this realization finally occurs, the party that is dissatisfied will go outside of the relationship to meet those needs. How they go outside the relationship will vary from the sly cheat to terminating the relationship altogether. Regardless of how these reaches outside the relationship occur, they can and do cause distress to both partners.

Yes a Dominant or a Sadist can emulate the style of the other for a short time, but sooner or later they are going to revert to their natural style. That is when the bottom will become dissatisfied. Needless to say, the need to return to their normal style is a sign of the Top's dissatisfaction. In the case of the Type C Top or bottom, they can play in either style, but sooner or later the half of their needs that is not being met will become a sore spot that needs to be scratched. Human nature being what it is, once a need arises we will all find ways to meet those needs.

Almost all of us want to be loved and respected for who and what we are. There are times when it seems that we will never find exactly what we are looking for. This can cause us to become susceptible to the false promise of happiness offered by settling for what we can get. It is my belief that settling can be one of the most dangerous things that we can do as Tops or bottoms. When we settle, we set into motion a series of falsehoods. We lie to ourselves and to our partners about our needs and desires. Dominants will fake interests in Sadism, Sadists will emulate Dominant characteristics, submissives will accept pain from a Sadist even though they do not really enjoy it, and masochists will accept the Dominant's attentions and control without the pain they crave in their heart. Not to forget, Dominant Sadists will ignore half of themselves to take a submissive or masochist, and the submissive masochist will take whatever a Dominant or Sadist will offer. Any or all of the combinations you can imagine can and will occur and not one of them will be lasting.

In settling there is also the danger that what was originally "Safe, Sane, and Consensual" will be transformed into that which is "Unsafe, Insane, or Non-Consensual." Sooner or later in any one of the previously doomed combinations, as frustration and anger build the possibility for the power in the relationship becoming infected grows. Once infected, the SM part of the relationship will be transformed from what was once a beautiful experience into an abusive one. In turn, this will be the cause of more damage to the individuals involved than having not settled in the first place.

How to Avoid the Pitfalls
For me the first and most important step is to develop a firm understanding of my own SM orientation. If you are a novice, ask for help learning about the various activities and styles of play. Do research, read about SM, and develop friends who will help you learn and support you in your new experiences. I have yet to find myself faced with blunt refusal to answer a question by anyone I have met. Just ask and you'll be pleasantly surprised. BUT MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, do not hide your inexperience. If you do, you will get yourself and the persons you are involved with into situations that everyone would rather avoid. Once you have learned what you like, look for someone who enjoys those activities from the other side.

If you are an experienced SM-er, sit back and think about your likes and dislikes. Review your past experiences. If they were all satisfying, then you have been doing a good job of managing your expectations and needs. If they have not all been satisfying, then perhaps you should review them with the view I have presented in mind. If you do, I suspect that your success rate will be increased and you will find your needs being met a far higher percentage of the time.

Once you have done your homework and learned about yourself and your SM orientation, I believe that you will be able to go out and meet people whom you can not only have as playmates, but with whom you can develop long-lasting friendships. Of course, we will all continue to play with people who are not exact matches to our needs and desires, mostly because there is no such thing as a perfect match. But by thinking about our needs in the light of our SM orientation, we will increase our satisfaction and the possibility of finding that special someone who will make a good long-term or lifetime lover.

Master Ron K. lives in Bakersfield, California, where he owns and operates Black and Blue Leatherworks. He also makes and teaches the use of single-tailed whips.