S.A.M.

Learning The Fine Art of Being a Smart Assed Masochist

By Norische

Being a SAM is not just a way of life it is an art form. To be a smart assed masochist you must have imagination, dedication and a little too much spare time on your hands. You must rally at the challenge of dry humor, thrive on the edge of obedience and willingly stare down the face of authority.

Not everyone is cut out to be a SAM; it takes someone quite special to achieve this most esteemed rank within the BDSM realm. Not just every PMSing, underpaid, overworked; menopausal slave who is having a bad hair day can make it as a SAM.

For those ambitious souls who seek to achieve that ever so far away goal of becoming a true SAM, I give to you a few profound yet simple ideas, to assist you on your journey.

Dub over all your owners Enigma CD's and replace each one of the songs with Pat Benitar's version of "Hit Me With Your Best Shot".
Crotchet an afghan with your owner's bondage ropes.
Test your owner's new Violet Wand out on the cat first, just to make sure it works right, remember safety first.
Use your curling iron on your owner's horsehair flogger; make sure that you use hair spray to keep those Shirley Temple curls nice and crisp.
Super glue all of the clothespins in the house together.
When you owner is in the middle of a heavy scene and ringing wet with sweat, exhausted... jump up and yell "Oh! Oh! That reminds me I forgot to call in your prescription for Viagra..."
The next time you are helping your owner with his shower start softly singing "Short People" followed by your own wonderful rendition of "It's Alright To Be Itty Bitty".
Cut eyeholes in your owner's favorite blindfold and claim that you needed it to finish off your Zorro costume for Halloween.
Just when your owner is getting ready to drip hot wax down your body, smile real big and say, " You remembered my birthday, how thoughtful." Then blow out the candles.
Take and tie jingle bells on each of the tails of the cat-o-nine-tails, and tell your owner that you thought the sound of the bells would help keep you awake.
Take two or three condoms and put them in the freezer. Then the next time they are needed just take one out and put it to good use, it always helps if you sing a chorus of Frosty The Snowman while you are doing this chilling little procedure.
The day of the big BDSM get together have chili, refried beans, onion rings, cabbage and hard boiled eggs for lunch. When time comes for you to scene let loose on your own odiferous rendition of "Beat It".
The next time your owner gets out the single tail whip, wait for that first crack and start singing "Rawhide".
Wake up perking and bouncing off the walls, and talk continuously prior to your owner's first cup of coffee.
Every two to three months switch your owner's coffee from decaf to espresso, make sure you don't tell him when you make the switch.
Use your owner's rattan canes for tomato stakes in the garden.
Replace your owner's denture grip with KY Jelly; just make sure you're out of range if he sneezes.
The next time your owner takes out his riding crop, start singing "I've got spurs, that jingle, jangle, jingle."
Just when your owner raises his arm to swing the paddle yell out "Four!!!".
The next time your owner calls you to the dungeon, put on your Halloween dungeon sound track, and walk in half bent over and say "Yeth Mathhhter...."

Now these suggestions are just a few, the list is truly endless. I am quite sure if you wish to raise yourself up to the level of a full fledged SAM that you can come up with some even more interesting and inventive means to make your intentions known.

Do not underestimate the imagination of a determined SAM.

On a final note I wish to state that no... betsy (my slave) has never done any of these things, as I was writing this article her eyes kept getting bigger and bigger and she almost squeezed the stuffing out of her pillow. Enjoy this article for what it is, an attempt at humor, live and laugh...enjoy the moment.

As with everything this is my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is Norisch1@mchsi.com. If you wish to see more of my work you may find a complete listing of all my writings at... http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Norisches_Quill/?yguid=99788111 in the files section.