The Right Way???

By Shanie

This was forwarded to me from another site. I DO BELIEVE there is a right and wrong way to do anything, especially B&D. If do things safely and use common sense you shouldn't run into problems. If your Master or Mistress uses common sense and is experienced you shouldn't have any problems. According to this article, In his book "Ties That Bind," Guy Baldwin gives an example of a sub who, trying to prove that he was a "real slave," was arrested for performing a task that an irresponsible "Dom" gave him.

If This " Dom," would have used a little common sense and would have been more experienced , I doubt if this would have happened. And by the way I didn't start hearing about Guy Baldwin till 1998. You can read want you want on the net but remember I will not steer you wrong if you use SAFETY, EXPERIENCE and COMMON SENSE, not as a creed , but a way of life you are on the RIGHT path. Mistress Michelle Peters

Hi to all my subbie sisters!

Recently at a play party, a Dom asked me about the necklace I was wearing. My necklace is a black silk cord that holds a leather tab in the shape of a heart. Resting on the leather tab is the key to my collar. When my Master and I are apart, since we are not 24/7, I wear my key and he keeps my collar - when we play, he locks the collar on me and he wears the key. When I explained this to the inquiring Dom, he kind of sniffed and said, "Well that's not the way people usually do things."

Uh-oh. Maybe we missed that particular passage in the D/s Bible: "Thou shalt not do things in an unusual manner." But of course, no such rule exists, outside of people's heads, and there are plenty of other similar examples to be found in all aspects of BDSM.

In this wide world of ours, there is too much diversity among people for there to be one set of rules. The same is definitely true of the BDSM community. What works for one Master and his slave may not work for the next, and so on. There is no "One True Way" of being a Master or slave even though some people may think so. As a novice submissive, you will discover your own particular style as you gain experience. A kind Dom will delight in your individuality and will help you discover and develop the style that enhances your sensuality and submission, even as he hones you for the particular services he desires.

Since there is such a diversity in style, it may take a while for you to decide what suits you. Do you fantasize about being a slave of Gor? Do you want to live and serve a Dom every hour of every day? These are all things to be learned on your journey. Unfortunately, sometimes the things we fantasize about in our hearts don't work very well in the real world. For example, I fantasize about living with a Dom, serving him 24/7 and being constantly at his beck and call, but aside from the real life impracticalities of that, I know my temperament would not allow for it! You may meet Doms who also have their own set of fantasies, and if you find enough common ground to make it work, great! But if it doesn't, it just means that it is not your style and you should not feel any sense of failure.

If you are a novice submissive, you probably feel very eager and anxious to finally get to try all these wonderful things you've always yearned for. Don't be afraid of opportunities to explore, but please be aware of some of the biases that exist out there. You may run into Doms who tell you that in order to be a "real slave" you must do certain things. In his book Ties That Bind, Guy Baldwin gives an example of a sub who, trying to prove that he was a "real slave," was arrested for performing a task that an irresponsible "Dom" gave him. A good general rule is: If you doubt it, don't do it. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Serving a Dom should give you joy, not cause you (or anyone else) mental anguish or physical harm.

This isn't to say that even a considerate, compassionate Dom might not give you difficult tasks, but remember that he will be watching out for your well being behind that sadistic grin!

The two most important things you can learn going into the scene are open communication and negotiation. If you are able to communicate honestly with a Dom and tell him your limits, desires, and experience, it will help both of you get more of what you want. Negotiation, especially with someone new, can hardly be stressed enough. As a novice sub, you may not know all your limits yet - this is part of the learning process. But as you discover them, along with your hot buttons, be sure to share them with a potential Dom. This level of honesty and transparency can be a little scary at first if you're not used to it - in our society, open talk about sex is quite rare. However, I know from personal experience that it can be very rewarding!

In your negotiation, be absolutely sure that you have a safe word--some clear signals to slow or stop the play. I have encountered Dom-wannabes who told me that I would have no need for a safe word. If that happens, run, do not walk, and do not consider playing with him. If you feel you need to use your safe word, then do it - again, it is for your safety and comfort and you should not feel like a failure if you end up needing to use it. My own Master once punished me for *not* using a safe word when I felt I should have. Safe words are used for all sorts of reasons: we all have to pee; our hands (or other body parts) may fall asleep in bondage; sometimes a scene just doesn't work for one partner or the other. In any of those cases (along with others) a safe word should be used.

One more bit of advice: it's usually best to play with a new partner for the first time at a party or other larger gathering, rather than one-on-one. This gives you a chance to get to know them a little and to start building trust between the two of you, and since there are usually more experienced players at parties, you will have others there who can intervene if something goes wrong.

The more experienced players in the scene are always ready and available to help answer your questions and address concerns - never hesitate to approach one of us if you need. Have fun and play safe!

shanie (Conrad's)
(Eugene, Oregon)