Punishment

from kitten's point of view

By *k

It sounds absurd to anyone not in the scene and not understanding of the power exchange with these relationships that, as submissives, we can be (and we are) punished for our infractions. The fact that we agree to these punishments raises even more eyebrows.

What you are punished for is something that is agreed to by you and your Dom/me, as is the form the punishment is to take. Soul Thief and I have a personal agreement that nothing I do is ever to be punished by hitting my face, but a known punishment is for a mouthy submissive to be given a slap to bring them back in line. I have seen a submissive pointedly ignored all through a local community play party, to the point where everyone was wondering what on earth she could possibly have done to merit such an ordeal. My punishments are generally minor (a chiding, standing in a corner) but have been known to involve painful tugs on our piercings and diabetic lancets (for major infractions).

The form and the reason for punishment does not matter even half as much as what you do with the punishment itself. If you sulk through it, or if you do not feel it is reasonable and warranted, then it will not do you as a submissive a bit of good. The purpose of punishment is to teach you, and to teach you something you are having trouble grasping--or are reluctant to grasp at all. Either one is an important issue to deal with.

Punishment is firstly for purposes of instruction. One of my most harsh punishments with Soul Thief was for going just a bit too far, pushing the boundaries of our roles with each other. Without going into too much detail, it involved a diabetic's lancet perilously near some tender bits of my body. Throughout my punishment, Soul Thief talked to me about how far was too far, and how necessary it was to judge when far enough was far enough. He also had me imagine what would happen if he went further than was necessary to teach me that lesson, and how it would do more harm and cause more pain than was needed for me to learn. The lesson was brief--half an hour, at most--and months ago, but I still remember it as a lesson well taught and well learned.

Soul Thief and I have also talked about what would warrant an 'ignoring'--being ignored for a given length of time, to give me a chance to think about what I had done wrong. I have not done anything to deserve being ignored, but disregarding a lesson that has been repeated would certainly be such a thing. If I am intentionally ignoring a lesson, then I will be ignored in return. This is intended to give me a chance to think about the lesson, and how that lesson relates to us and what we are trying to achieve as a couple.

That said, in any punishment a submissive needs to understand why they are being punished (intentionally misbehaving, breaking an established rule), what that punishment is to achieve (is it to be a reminder? A reinforcement?), what form the punishment is to take (ignoring? Spanking? Slapping?), how long it is to last (an hour? A day? One week?), and what they are to do with the lesson after the punishment (change a behavior? Store it for future reference?). This is achieved through talking to your Dom/me. Make sure you understand your punishment, and do not resent any facet of it. If you do, talk it out calmly and see if you or your Dom/me's opinion changes. Many times I have felt that my actions did not warrant punishment, and so we have talked our way through it. Sometimes I change my mind and agree that I deserve punishing, and sometimes Soul Thief understands that my intent was good, if my actions were not ideal, and so does not punish me.

During a punishment, it's often hard to think about anything else. If you can manage it, talk to yourself mentally about why it is happening, and what you can do in the future to ensure that you do not need to be punished again. After the punishment, do two things: Talk to your Dom/me, and talk to yourself. Make sure that both of you are okay with what happened, and the guilt and recrimination are released. Remember, Dom/mes often feel guilty for punishing someone they value, so make sure they know that you are okay with what has happened. Then mentally review with yourself what happened and why. Keep turning the lesson over in your mind until you completely understand, accept, and embrace it. Come back to it, in your mind, when you feel as if you are once again pushing against a rule that has been set for you. Whenever I feel as if I am pushing against what is 'too far' for our relationship, I think back to that little lancet. Remembering that, and remembering the conversations both with Soul Thief and myself, helps me measure whether I am pushing or I am doing fine within my boundaries.

As with many things, punishment is a tool. It can be used effectively, or destructively. The difference is in how you choose to use it.