The Novice Submissive

by ThroTchr

Welcome!

Exploring the world of Dominance and submission can bring you great joy. Unfortunately, it can also be fraught with peril. Because of that, my first advice to you is to learn all that you can about safety; remember always that you are the ONLY one who can ensure your well-being.

Most submissives I know have taken a long time to discover their nature. You've probably had these feelings bubbling around inside for quite a while -- it's not unusual for me to hear that a submissive held these cravings inside for twenty years or more before acting on them. As we live in a society where people don't openly talk about their sexual desires in 'polite' company, you've probably had little to go on except that stirring inside you, that itch that you've never been able to scratch.

Well, the on-line world is a great place to gather information and meet people. As it's a new medium, not bound by the old social rules. Even better, if you subscribe to an on-line service, or enter a chat room, you get to disguise your identity; the neighbors need never know what you're REALLY thinking.

Since most of you are starting your journey into D/s on-line, I'm going to start by dispelling some of the things you might have heard, or be hearing. I'll touch on a number of cyber world points before we move on to the good stuff.

First, to be submissive does not mean you're a doormat. You're under no obligation to respond to messages or e-mail that order you to your knees, demand you serve a cyber drink, request personal information, or anything else. Many submissives are very strong people -- in fact, a submissive who is sure about their own personality, and acts with conviction, is far preferable to most Doms and Dommes than one who will blindly follow what anyone demands. Recognize that your submission is YOURS. No one can take it or demand it; it must be given freely. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fraud, plain and simple.

Second, D/s is an intensely personal experience. You'll no doubt see many lists of rules and requirements for submissives. There are some who do follow these rules, and find fulfillment in that role. That's great for them, and maybe for you too... but maybe not. You and the partner you choose will make your own rules. If you jointly agree to follow rules prepared by others, that's your own decision, but bear in mind that there is no right way except the one you find for yourself.

Third, you need to be wary. Many submissives, on discovering ALL these people on line who share an interest in D/s will blindly rush forward and seek a partner. I'll clue you in here: the reason there are so many more people in the D/s chat rooms on line than you ever imagined is because most of them just imagine themselves being part of the D/s scene. The pretenders outnumber the real people at least 9 to 1 from what I've seen, and it may be a lot higher than that. A quick anecdote to illustrate: a submissive I know was berated in a chat room by a "Dom". He attacked her lack of experience. He himself claimed forty (!) years in the scene. I wrote to him, and asked just what he thought he was doing... and the reply read 'sorry... I'm new to this'. Don't believe everything you hear.

Fourth, you're going to need some inner strength. There are a number of predators on line, and a common tactic I see used is belittling a submissive. A Dominant should respect you. Different people have different means of displaying respect, but put- downs and derisive comments don't fit the bill here. Be aware that criticism you hear may be designed to put you in a situation of crying 'help me, please, Sir/Mistress'... which might not be the best course for you.

Fifth, don't be too eager. A good partner for you is out there somewhere. An active search is just going to expose you to a lot of 'wannabes', some of whom might be very convincing and leave you confused, and perhaps physically or emotionally hurt. Have patience. Spend your time learning first.

Sixth, I'm seeing an on-line phenomenon of "trainers". These people will offer to train you in submission. In my opinion, you should never enter into play with another person unless you both have a clear understanding of the relationship. Play that is limited to a single scene is fine if that's clear up front. Relationships of a longer duration should have an underpinning, and it should be clear up front.

If you think you might ultimately want to be in a committed D/s relationship, be it Dom(me)/sub or Master (Mistress)/slave, the person you commit to may well train you to better please them. Unless you're already in such a relationship, what's the point of training? If you were someday to become my submissive, you currently have no idea what I would like... in my opinion, those who do "training" want all of the good things that a Dom(me)/sub relationship could bring without any of the responsibility.

And a word about mentors: the word Mentor comes from Homer. Mentor was the man whom Odysseus trusted with his household while he went off for ten years to fight the Trojan war. A mentor is someone you trust.

In the real world, mentors are those who can help us gain what we seek. They are the people who have the position, power, or knowledge to help us further ourselves. Sure, there are mentors in the world of D/s. Knowledge and assistance can be found in many places. But a lot of people are now using the word 'mentor' to mean 'trainer'. See the above.

Finally, many who discover this world of D/s on line are like children in a candy store. You just can't get enough. It can be embarrassing to look back on later; just forgive yourself your initial foibles and get on with your exploration. Everyone was new once. Just be sure you take whatever steps you can to ensure your safety.

Ok. You're beginning to explore your submissive side on the Internet. It's a great place to experiment, and find out what sorts of things you might like to try r/t. It's a wonderful medium for this, but it also has its risks. Read A Letter: AOL Safety, and be aware of what could happen if you share personal information about yourself with others on line. Be aware that cyber can lead to r/t disaster if you're not careful.

As a submissive, safety has to be your primary concern. You're going to be putting yourself in a vulnerable position when you make the move to r/t play, and you'll need to know as much about it as possible. Go through my health and safety page and read about safe words, safe calls, scene negotiation, and general safety. Talk to more experienced subs and get suggestions from them. You can never know too much about safety.

Be aware that not all things apply to all people. I know some Doms who will not allow the use of a safe word. If that's stated up front, you might be better off with them than with someone who agrees to a safe word and then ignores it... it's your call to make. It's your life. Just remember that it's your LIFE. Do what is comfortable for you, but do it as a choice, and not out of ignorance.

Finding a suitable partner can be a monumental task. You need to assess your own desires, and figure out what it is that truly turns you on. Look for a partner turned on my the same thing. If you're not sure what's available, browse through my How-To pages for a sampling of some kinks.

If you're looking for a long-term relationship, don't discard the factors that would be important to you in a vanilla relationship. Common interests are the foundation of a strong relationship. You'll find some nice pages on partnering on both my How-To and Commentary pages.

As you move toward r/t, you might find it helpful to get the input of others in your area. There's a comprehensive listing of local groups on my resources page. I'd highly recommend, even if you're just going to cyber for a while, that you join submissives United for Consensual Kink. It's a large group with many viewpoints for you to listen to and consider.

As you learn more about yourself and about what's available, you're going to have lots of questions. Ask. You'll find that people in D/s are not shy in talking about subjects they love. Remember that what you'll get is one person's opinion... you should ask a lot of people, and filter the responses you get. Do what's best for you. Listen to your own heart. And don't rush.

I'll close with some observations by subs collected for me by Nyte:

"Read the Desiderata!"

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what Peace there may be in silence... Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself...

Be Yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Nurture Strength of Spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness... And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a Beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

D E S I D E R A T A

"Listen to the little voice inside yourself!"
"Choose wisely."
"Figure out what you really want before you start even playing around with D/s"
"Never be anyone's doormat"
"Face the fact that AOL ain't the real world!"
"Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear until you really know someone."
"There is a difference between Doms and 'Doms'. The 'Doms' are only out to score."
"If collaring, sex, or r/t come up in the first couple of conversations... beware!"

As my dear friend Nyte says... "travel at the speed of trust".

Best regards,