Mean Means

by Baadmaster and Naia

Published Jan 08, 2005

Dear Mistress Naia: Please help, I'm at my wits end! I'm a collared slave, and for the first 6 months, things were great. But recently my Master's become harsh, very demanding, and even demeaning. He doesn't pass my hard limits, but he's becoming mean! When I try to talk about it, he punishes me and says I'm being a bad slave for questioning him. Is this true? How can I tell him how I feel? What should I do?

I'm sorry to hear about this situation. It must be very hard for you--wanting to be a good slave, wanting to abide by the agreement you made with one another at your collaring, but also feeling hurt by your Master's recent change of behavior. I wish you strength and bravery. No matter what happens, this will require action on your part to both figure out what's going on and to hopefully resolve it as well.

First of all, you have every right to be treated with care and respect, even if you're a collared slave. No matter what your D/s role, your needs, feelings, and boundaries deserve attention. Being mean is not an acceptable tactic of Domination, period. So, you're right to wonder what's going on. Clearly he's someone with whom you have a comfort level and a trust, or else you wouldn't have agreed to be collared by him. It also seems clear to me that though you may have had an understanding about your relationship, that agreement is no longer valid and requires adjustment. In short--he is violating your relationship, your trust, and quite possibly your collar by acting this way.

Based on what you've told me, I find his behavior unconscionable. No matter what, if the two of you are in a relationship, he deserves to treat you with a higher standard of consideration... There is simply no acceptable reason for him to tell you that you're being a bad slave because you're concerned about him and his behavior toward you. Whether he's having a personal problem, a problem with you, or a problem with the structure of your relationship, you deserve to know. If he feels that the way you're asking him about this is violating your D/s agreement, then it is his responsibility to teach you how to inquire better, not to shut you up with insults or by questioning your dedication to him as a Dom.

It's the Dom/me's responsibility to ensure that their slave has enough information to serve them well, and to communicate clearly about the status of the relationship. Whether you're 24/7 or infrequent players, the dedication to honesty must be the same. How can he expect your loyalty if he is not being open? Even if he's having an issue that he's not aware of, he should at least know that your concern for him is a sign that something is up... That something needs to be discussed.

So, you really only have a few options: A) Try talking to him again, as you have been, though I'd expect the same reaction. B) Approach him, not about his behavior, but about your desire to discuss things with him. Ask him, politely, how he would prefer you to communicate with him about your feelings. Make it about your own uncertainty, as opposed to being about him and his problem. From there, you may be able to open the door to discuss your concerns about your relationship. If you talk about your own feelings and concerns, he may open up to discuss his own. C) If option B doesn't work, express to him firmly that unless you have an avenue for communication about your needs and feelings, you will not be able to remain his slave. This is a VERY reasonable request. D) Ultimately, if he continues to resist your attempts, you'll need to consider leaving him.

I wish you the very best. Be strong. Believe in yourself, and don't doubt your very correct intuition that looking out for your own needs is not a sign of a bad slave. On the contrary, if you are asking these questions and feeling this way, it's because your Master is failing to take good care of you!

Be good.

-Naia

Dear BaadMaster: Please help, I'm at my wits end! I'm a collared slave, and for the first 6 months, things were great. But recently my Master's become harsh, very demanding, and even demeaning. He doesn't pass my hard limits, but he's becoming mean! When I try to talk about it, he punishes me and says I'm being a bad slave for questioning him. Is this true? How can I tell him how I feel? What should I do?

I am not going to play psychiatrist, but one basic question must be asked before we proceed. Was this change in behavior sudden and totally unexpected, or were there hints of this type of conduct from time to time before the change? If there were clues of inconsideration, it is not inconceivable that he was hiding the "bad part" of him. This incarnation, then, is likely the real person -- the side of him he cannot hide anymore. If this is the case, I suggest you give it a little more time, but more than likely the situation will get worse, not better. You might give it a another try in terms of expressing your concerns, but if he just continues on his merry way, then asking for your release will be your only, and best, course of action.

On the other hand, if this personality change appeared from out of nowhere, you might look for clues outside of BDSM for this radical change. Does he have problems at work that suddenly popped up? Are there family matters that appeared from out of nowhere? Is he unhappy for some other reason and is taking it out on you? If you can identify outside sources of frustration or anger, this might be a reason for the change. In this case, you could probably talk to him about the outside problems more easily than just addressing the D/s issues. He might appreciate your concern; concern is never "topping from the bottom." Most times, sudden personality changes have specific causes. And if you can work out the causes, chances are the problems will go away.

But whether you can solve the problem, or you can't, there are certain principles that should always guide your actions. Mistress Naia alluded to it when she stated, "You have every right to be treated with care and respect, even if you're a collared slave." In most slave contracts, the first paragraph sets down the Master's responsibilities. The following are the first two clauses from my own contact with my slave, Courtenay.

Master agrees to protect his slave's physical, mental and emotional well being to the best of his ability. He will never put his slave in a situation of unnecessary risk and will consider her safety first as his first and foremost concern.
Master will always take slave's thoughts and feelings into consideration; however, he does have final word on all matters involving this relationship.

This is a fairly typical slave contract. That the Master's responsibilities are listed first shows how important they truly are. Master/slave is not a one-way street. Sure, there is a power exchange - or imbalance, as Bondage.com member Mistress Miranda puts it. But, it does not mean one party must deliver and the other party just does anything he/she desires. In your case, your Master is violating important principles that most Master/slave relationships are built upon. You should not feel guilty or "unsubly" because you expect to be treated the way you expect to be treated. Furthermore, he treated you in an acceptable - even wonderful - manner for the first six months. Dom/sub isn't a used car lot where "bait-and-switch" is an accepted practice. You want the Dom you were collared to, not the new "Mean Dom" version that has been foisted upon you.

Remember, everything in this lifestyle is consensual. And the objective here is to be happy. We didn't come to the BDSM world in order to be miserable. You should give it your best shot in trying to communicate to your Master. But, if he continues to make you unhappy - and this isn't what you want - then you can always leave. That is your right - and, if you are miserable with your Dom - then it is also your obligation.

Play safe, play hard.

BaadMaster

http://bondage.com