In A submissive

By *k

These are my opinions and ideas. These are in no way a strict dictomy of what is required in a submissive personality. Obviously all people are different. These are my ideas, from what I have seen and from the submissives with whom I have interacted.**

So, what is a good trait for a submissive to have? Obviously we're all individuals, and we all have our little quirks and foibles that make us endearing to our Dom/mes. We all have separate and distinct personalities. I have noticed, though, that there are a few traits that it benefits a submissive to possess. If they do not naturally exist within a person, it's worth giving them a look, anyway, and trying to learn the trait (I'm thinking here of Patience). Here's what I've seen:

Honesty

When I asked Master what a good trait for a submissive to have was, he said, "honesty, honesty, honesty, honesty, oh, and, uh... honesty." Honesty is vitally important in a relationship of this sort. You absolutely must, at all times, tell the truth about how you are feeling, how a scene or a kink is affecting you, when and if something in the relationship changes, aboslutely everything that involves how you interact with your Dom/me. I will say it again: Dom/mes are a lot of things but they are not mind-readers. When your Dom/me asks you a question, you absolutely must answer it honestly.

The honesty, of course, goes both ways here. By that I mean that you must be honest with your Dom/me, but you must also be honest with yourself. If you don't enjoy a kink, do not tell your Dom/me that you love it because you know he (or she) loves it. This will build resentment in you, and ultimately undermine the strength of the relationship.

Of course, it's reasonable to expect honesty from your Dom/me, too. True honesty with each other is occasionally really hard to accept, as we are taught from an early age the art of "white lying". It becomes easier to accept when you keep in mind the thought that it is never meant to hurt you; instead honesty exists to strengthen and nurture your relationship.

Humility

By this I mean not needing to be in the public eye or receive recognition for every single thing you do. Of course it's reasonable of you to like to hear that your Dom/me appreciates daily breakfast in bed. Humility is not needing to hear this appreciation every single time; it is the ability to accept that you know you are doing something right, and you know your Dom/me appreciates it, but no one needs to hear the words every day. Thus, you don't whine and sulk when they are not spoken.

I AM NOT suggesting that humility is acting, or being treated like, a doormat. Humility is a peace within oneself and the ability to find recognition inside yourself rather than always demanding it from an outside source. When you see or talk with people who seem "peaceful", often this acceptance is humility.

Kindness

Kindness is a rather hard call, because to every person it means a different thing. The kind of kindness I'm thinking of is the kind that watches out for others, and never intentionally causes harm to another. We've all interacted with--perhaps we've all been, at one time or another--"bratty" subs, those subs who seem gleeful in creating drama, who seem to always put their needs, wants and desires first on the list, no matter who they have to walk over to get those desires fulfilled.

At my first munch in Minnesota, I was being introduced around to people who were regulars in the Minnesota scene. I was introduced to a little blonde pixie whose name was j*, and who was owned by J*. She took an interest in me and talked for quite a long time about my interests, my situation, and my fears of the scene. In talking about my situation (I was there without my Master) she asked me if I would like recommendations on who to play with within the Minnesota scene. I said no, thank you, that night I was just meeting people. She nodded and said, "That's smart. If you want some recommendations later, let me know. I can give you ideas of who's not safe to play with." Now, Dom/mes may resent this judgement being placed upon them as well as the unity that subs seem to have, but j*'s concern was for my safety and my happiness. This, to me, was an example of how kind this woman was, and the sort of kindness that I endeavor to possess.

Adventure

By 'adventure' I do NOT mean the willingness to bungee jump! In every sub, in order to grow, you must be willing to try new things. This can be simple--try the cane instead of the usual crop--or it can be a big step--try a bisexual scene. Whatever it is, within your limits, without trying new things and occasionally stretching those limits you will soon stop growing as a submissive. You may fail--I know I fail often. Master is never angree with me, though, because he just asks that I try. When he is angry with me (he is, occasionally!) it is because I'm dismissive, and not willing to try a new idea. He wants to help me grow, too, and when I refuse to try I get in the way of his goals, too.

Patience

Ah, patience--that one trait I can't seem to learn! Patience takes its form in many ways, but the basic idea of patience is the ability to wait and to postpone gratification. It ranges from being patient while your Dom/me learns a new skill to being patient while you, yourself, are waiting for something you really want. Lack of patience turns subs into brats. While I'm not saying that being a brat isn't fun sometimes, it will start to wear down the relationship between a sub and a Dom/me. It's reasonable, in my mind, to expect that something your Dom/me tells you they will do will be done. It is NOT reasonable to expect that that thing will be done in YOUR timetable to YOUR specifications (unless that was part of the agreement). A sub that lacks patience is often topping from the bottom, directing their Dom/me's performance. Topping from the bottom seems to be a universal Dom/me Annoyance: remember, by agreeing to the submissive role you also agreed to let your Dom/me run the show!

This is a list of my ideas. Probably it's incomplete, as far as the ideal sub goes. I'm not trying to give you a list of traits you must have to be submissive. Submissives come in all shapes and colors and spirits. What I am trying to do is give you food for thought, and possibly an idea or two regarding ways you can help make your relationship with your Dom/me smoother, happier, and more fulfilling.

k