Am I a normal submissive?

Questions I Have Been Asked

By *k

Am I normal?

I've had several submissives ask me this question. Actually, I can't think of a submissive I know that hasn't asked me this question. The answer? Of course you are. After all, what is normal? You are normal for yourself. Meaning, if you are doing things that bring sensations to you that are enjoyable, if you are mentally stimulated by your play, if you are in complete agreement with every part of every scene, then you are doing what is normal for yourself and your Dom/me. Abnormality only rears its head when you force yourself, or are forced, to engage in activities you do not enjoy or that do not add to your growth. Abnormality destroys; normality nurtures. If you feel nurtured, you are normal. D/s is a very personal thing. Be careful not to get caught in the net of comparing yourself to others and thinking that only their play is a representation of 'normal'. Remember, 'to each his own' very much applies here.

Sometimes I don't feel submissive, does that mean I'm not submissive at all?

Not feeling submissive 100% of the time means you're human. You're sitting on the couch when your Dom/me comes in, sits next to you, and asks you to fetch a drink; you feel irritated. This is human. Your Dom/me signals you of their intent to use you for a scene; you are tired and not in the mood for play. This is human. A submissive friend is telling you of how much pleasure their newly acquired habit of scat play* brings them; you grimace and your stomach turns. This is human. Submission is not a constant thing; it ebbs and flows according to moods, the time of day, the day of the week, the time of the month--all manner of factors. Within yourself, do you feel the urge to give yourself to someone else's control, even a bit of the time? That's your submissive side showing through. You may not be completely submissive, but that doesn't mean the urge isn't in you or that it's not authentic. I live with my Master; we have a healthy, happy 24/7 relationship. Yet there are times when I don't want to do as he says, when I don't feel like playing, when I reflexively question an order. The thing that reassures me that I am submissive and that this is right for me is the fact that I still do as he orders; that I still play or explain calmly why I don't want to play, instead of sulking or yelling; that I question myself before I question my Master. I am learning and I am not perfect. And I am submissive.

Sometimes I cry when it's not appropriate. What's wrong with me?

Occasionally I start crying in the middle of a scene. Sometimes the tears interrupt the scene while my Master holds me and comforts me through my tears. Sometimes I cry at the end of a scene. The first time we were together, I spent approximately 30 minutes in a puddle of tears. Rather than yell at me for my emotions, each time Master simply holds me and comforts me until they subside, telling me that I'm okay and that I'm safe. My tears do not mean that I'm emotionally unstable. Scening is known to rouse many powerful emotions. These can involve lust, lasciviousness, playfulness, and love; they can as easily and as commonly involve sadness, anger, helplessness, and frustration. Emotion can readily be expressed as tears, even if the emotion is not sadness. Tears are a completely normal expression of emotion.

My Dom/me used my safeword last night. Is that allowed?

Scenes are play involving [at least] two people. Each person involved, not just the submissive, has every right to end or pause that scene when it gets beyond the realm of their comfort. Your Dom/me may feel that emotionally the scene is going someplace they don't want to go, or they may feel that you have gone beyond your limits and are unable to call the safeword yourself. There are infinite reasons to end a scene, and they are all valid. Safewords are in place to keep everyone safe. As such, they are to be used by anyone who thinks the scene is for any reason unsafe.

I used to enjoy a particular kink, but now I really don't. What do I do?

TELL YOUR DOM/ME. Before you do anything else, before you try to reason yourself through it or understand why, tell your Dom/me. Remember, Dom/mes are many things, but they are not mind-readers. If a scene is beginning and your Dom/me pulls out the nipple clamps and you suddenly panic, this would be a great time to call your 'yellow' safeword and explain your reaction to your Dom/me. If you are in the middle of a scene and enjoying a spanking when suddenly it's just an experience in 'bad' pain, call your yellow word and tell your Dom/me. If you enjoyed flogging when you were first scening but now it seems too dull of a sensation, pick a moment when you and your Dom/me are unoccupied and just mention it. If you would like to get the enjoyment of the kink back, tell this to your Dom/me also and ask if they are willing to lead you back to it. Go slowly and gently, and be sure to add lots of pleasurable stroking and fondling (if it is not a physical kink, be sure to add lot of mental stroking and reassurance). It is always possible that you have grown beyond that kink. That's part of how D/s is a continual learning process. No one is ever finished, and no one has "done it all".

My marriage is not healthy, should I try D/s to revive it?

Absolutely not! The addition of D/s to a relationship pivots around the health of that relationship. You must be able to talk to each other, rely on each other, trust each other, and be vulnerable to each other. If necessary, get outside counselling to help you resolve the issues in your relationship before you explore D/s or bdsm. D/s urges do exist in relationships where they are not acknowledged. Instead of acknowledging them within an ailing relationship, though, get the relationship healthy and then explore. If you are already in a D/s relationship and it stops working, take D/s out of the equation for a time and deal with the relationship itself, then add the D/s back in. Because you take D/s out of your relationship does not mean it can never be added back in. D/s cannot be a healthy experience (indeed, it could do a lot of harm) if it is not in a healthy atmosphere.

Sometimes my Dom/me does things that annoy me. how do I deal with this?

You have two options here: either learn to deal with it, or talk to your Dom/me about it. If the thing that is annoying you is minor (leaving the milk out, putting wet towels on the bed after a shower) congratulations! You have a normal relationship. Just because you are incorporating the D/s element does not mean your lives will be perfect and hassle-free. Learning to deal with another person's foibles is what a relationship, of any description, is about. If it's a major annoyance (your Dom/me makes comments about things that belittle you [outside of a humiliation scene], your Dom/me continually asks for something which you are incapable of delivering) then you must speak to your Dom/me. Tell your Dom/me calmly and clearly what is bothering you and why, and reach a compromise. If the annoyance is truly major (alcoholism, abuse) possibly you need to consider separating yourself from your Dom/me permanently. The same rules apply here as apply to vanilla relationships: is it something you can live with?

My partner isn't into the scene. Can he/she be converted?

In a word, no. Can you make scene literature available for them, so they may read more about it and see if it stirs any interest? Yes, you can. Can you let them know that you are available to answer any question without judgment or condescension? Yes, you can. Can you take them along to 'toy' stores, just to poke through and see what is on offer? Yes, you can. Can you encourage them, and play with them, if they happen to discover a kink they enjoy? Yes, you certainly can. When introducing a partner to the scene, remember that it is often seen from the outside as a threatening and frightening way of life. Be gentle and non-judgmental at all times. This is also a good time to practice patience. Also keep in mind that just because this is your partner does not mean that they will be your perfect scene partner. They may be submissive, dominant, or switch, regardless of how you identify yourself. Or they may not be interested in the scene at all. The scene is not something that can be forced; it must be encouraged and nurtured.

My Dom wants me to be a lesbian but I'm really not. What do I do?

*This is written from a male Dom/female sub perspective. If your situation is female Domme/male sub, just flip the pronouns. It's easier to figure out the pronoun rules when you write it from one perspective!<

Lest I be in danger of repeating myself, the first thing to do is to TALK TO YOUR DOM. Make very, very sure he knows where you stand on this issue. Be very, very careful not to use qualifiers in your statements--no "I might not be interested". Make definitive statements--"I am not interested". If you feel that you are not interested, you never will be interested, no one can make you be interested, state that. It is not shameful, it is not something to apologize for, and it is not something to feel guilty about. You are who you are, and you can only be happy when you are honest about that with yourself and others. If this is something you feel strongly about, do not waver under any circumstances to the pressure from your Dom. If necessary, point out to him that he is pressuring you, and that anything you did in this arena would be non-consensual.

If you are slightly interested in exploring this avenue, go ahead and say so, but make very clear your limits and your degree of interest. If you try something that you thought you would enjoy but you end up squicking, say so. If you try something and want to pursue it further, say so. Have a care before involving another person and their feelings. Perhaps view a video, or read a book, or look at a magazine to explore the concepts before inviting someone to be your "practice" partner

Remember, this is a chance for you to expand your horizons if you want them to be expanded. This should not be forced on you under any circumstances. Some people enjoy same-sex interactions; some people do not and never will. It is not bad to be who you honestly are. Never apologize for being true to yourself.

*Scat play is a common squick among scene players. If you like scat play, that's perfectly okay. The example is not meant to offend.

*k