The Unspoken Reality

By Jack Rinella

from Issue number 52 Sunday, December 12, 2004

I’ve just finished the first draft of my next book, which is about becoming a slave. In it I outline the search for a master, giving guidelines, an in-depth look at what is mastery and service, and advice about the process. As I thought about an appropriate and inspirational ending, I wanted to write about love between master and slave.

So I did a word count and found that I used the word "love" or one of its variant forms less than 50 times in a manuscript of more than 85,000 words. "What does that say about love in mastery and slavery?" I asked myself.

Reflecting on my own query I remembered the many discussions I’ve had over the years, repeated in chat rooms and newsgroups, I’m sure, about whether masters and slaves can, should, or do love one another. The usual answer varies across the spectrum: yes, no, sometimes, in some ways, maybe, yes for the slave and no for the master, etc., etc., etc.

The question is compounded by the wide variation in the way we use the word love. It’s a sad fact that the English language is much too vague in its usage and meaning of the word "love." After all, there are many kinds of love and the manifestations of each of them is certainly quite different from one definition to another. We love parents in one way, children, sex partners, chocolate, life, movies, songs, friends, uncles, cousins, and our careers each in their own way.

What compounds the discussion of love between kinky associates, be they masters and slaves, tops and bottoms, husbands and wives, significant others, good friends and fuck-buddies, etc. is that each of these pairings can be held together by many qualities, love being only one of them. When love, however you mean the term, is a quality in a kinky relationship, it too may widely vary in nature from one set of partners to another. There’s nothing to say, for instance, that one sadomasochistic couple has to share the same kind of love as another.

Still I wondered about the lack of love in my manuscript. In continued reflection it was obvious that the master/slave couples whom I know best did in fact love one another, though to call them lovers lent a decidedly inaccurate view to their relationship. Just as calling a married couple lovers seems to be somewhat erroneous, even though one would hope that they were in fact in love with each other and loved one another and based their relationship on love.

I asked a slave applicant who has been coming around for about six weeks if he loved me and he hesitated in his answer. I understand that hesitation very well, as life experience has a way of changing one’s appreciation of the value of "falling in love." Is that because we view love differently as we mature? Is there something about romance that loses its charm as we age? Is emotional love, a la Romeo and Juliet, something only for the young or the foolish? Does love lose its ardor because we become wise or because we become jaded?

In my continued reflection I realized that a similar count of the frequency of the word "air" in my manuscript would show that I only used it once, unless you also count the number of times it appears joined with the word plane as in "airplane."

Then I breathed a sigh of relief. Love permeates our relationships in the same way that air permeates our lives. It is ubiquitous and essential to them. Love is everywhere but seldom noticed. Just as we speak of air in terms of its manifestations, so too we talk not of love as much as we speak of its effects.

Just as the air is windy or cold or breezy or smelly or pleasant, love is affectionate, caring, careful, attentive, devoted, enthralling, captivating, wonderful, trusting, concerned, pleasurable, or intimate. We see not love itself but its effect. We talk not about loving one another but of how we love.

Very often, too, we don’t even speak about how we love. Instead we just do it, as simply as we breathe.

Patrick’s first letter to me, for instance, contained the telling phrase, "I do not seek a lover." We began our relationship without love and for the first several years when I asked Patrick if he loved me, he would only reply that he loved being my slave.

The basis of our relationship was domination and obedience, responses to our individual awareness of who we were, what we needed, and what we wanted. We liked one another to be sure. We clicked right away as master and slave. Together we found great pleasure in the other, but we were not lovers. It may even be safe to say that we have never fallen in love with each other either, as that romantic, emotional response has never seemed to be part of our lives.

Do we love one another? That is another question. Shall I count the ways? Like the air we breathe, it permeates our lives together. Friends see it readily in how we treat each other. We know it well as we manifest it in concern, in affection, in devotion, in the ever-tightening bonds that unite us as partners, as a couple, as friends, as fuck-buddies, and kinky players, as joint home-owners, and as life-mates.

We are soon approaching the ninth anniversary of the day we met and of the night when we knew we were somehow "made" for each other. That understanding of belonging has never left. It has changed only in quality, as day after day the bonds tightened, the intimacy grew, and affection prospered, our love deepened.

I once conducted a weekend workshop on mastery and slavery at the end of which I was challenged to "go home and tell Patrick you love him." I accepted that challenge as it was an easy one, though to simply say "I love you," doesn’t give much indication of what I meant. He is best friend, spouse, partner, delightful slave, devoted assistant, faithful servant, protective and watchful guard, excellent cook and careful provider. He supports, advises, performs innumerable household chores, encourages, critiques, caresses, satisfies, nurtures, and even worships.

Is there love? How can it not be seen? How can it not be there? Still, like the air it is best noted in its effect -- a sweet, vital, essential, refreshing, sustaining, and necessary element so clear as to be invisible and so fundamental as to be over-looked.

It’s easy to miss that fact that love is present, just as we take the air we breathe for granted. Still it is a many-splendored essential. Take a deep breath and be thankful for it. Tell those you love that such is so.

Have a great week. You can leave me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at " http://www.LeatherViews.com