Thoughts On My Slavery

Author: Alexia © 1999

I am a woman in my early thirties who had found success in all the traditional paths. I was brought up in a wonderful, healthy and highly educated environment with strong family connections. I graduated early from college, earned advanced degrees, worked myself into executive positions, gathered material possessions – I had everything that was supposed to be a part of the good life. Yet I was not fulfilled. Vanilla sex left me cold and unable to have orgasms. I could not make commitments in my relationships. I wanted something different.

As long as I can remember I had fantasized about being submissive. I wanted to xplore, to feel strength from my partner, to let go. I hinted with boyfriends, tried to struggle when we made love in hopes they might grab my arms and hold me down. Either I didn’t communicate well or just never found the right man. So I found my release in reading erotica, searching for information on the web and masturbating to my fantasies.

Until I one day I woke up fearful that I would never have the chance to really explore, to see who I might be. And so I took control as a first step to losing control. I used the Internet to start looking for someone who might understand what I needed. Now mind you, at this point I was looking for someone to spank me, tie me up and maybe pull my hair. I had no idea of (or at least would not admit to myself) the level of submission I was looking for. And I was lucky. I found a few wonderful play partners who gave me the space to let go - and from those experiences I knew I wanted something more extreme – I just wasn’t sure what it was.

And the fates brought me to my Master. A very intelligent, incredibly handsome, extremely experienced, perverse and sadistic man. A man who believes in slavery. Not play slavery but real slavery – as real as it can be in this time period in this place. I believe he owns me completely. I serve him on my knees, I only call him Sir and when he orders me to do something I do it without hesitation. I make no decisions separate from him, I have no secrets, my body and mind and soul are his to use however he wants. I live a 24/7 life – I stay at home and take care of his needs, both personal and professional.  I sleep when he tells me to sleep, I clean when he tells me to clean and I come when he tells me to come.

My Master has slowly helped me understand who I am by giving me the envirronment to explore. Over the last year I have learned that my body actually craves pain. Like a drug. I can’t go too long with out it. I beg to be hit, slapped, pinched. I need to be physically hurt almost every day to survive. I’ve also   discovered that I am a slut. That I will fuck anyone or anything if it excites us. I have gone from being a woman who could not come to being a slave who can come almost constantly. I have found heaven.

But probably the most intense enlightenment has been that I am a perverse individual. (Perhaps what I have described above seems perverse to you – if so you might be in the wrong place.) I like extremes, taboos and emotional pain. I love to be humiliated. When my Master makes me act like a dog or tells my secret fantasies to groups of our friends or makes me spread myself for a stranger I am excited. And when my Master had me begin to explore cruelty (read a few chapters of de Sade for a quick tutorial!) I felt a new kind of pain. There is a feeling in being used, abused and degraded that takes me to a new place.

We have a deep relationship filled with different partners for play and sex. Before I had believed in and practiced monogamy. I struggle with jealousy constantly. It is my greatest weakness as a slave. As hard as I may try, my anger and sadness causes my Master discomfort and that is wrong because I agreed to a polyamorous lifestyle as part of our contract for life. But my jealousy has also given us an opening for exploring cruelty. The vision of my Master kissing a woman as I kneel on the floor to take him in my mouth, knowing all the time that he is imaging he is making love to her, causes me to almost cry out with pleasure and pain. I want to explore this intensity through serving my Master and his lover. I need this.

Alexia and her Master's Home Page