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for Issue number 45
Thursday, October 25, 2001
Responsibility
by Jack Rinella

As I look back on my childhood I am amazed that I ever wanted to grow up. Birthdays were major milestones because I was getting "bigger." We were so glad when our parents treated us less like children and more like them. It was, after all, a big deal to sit at the adults’ table or to be allowed to cross the street by myself. Childhood was spent learning all the things I would have to know in order to be an adult. Looking back, I wish I were still in third grade. What they never told us children about "growing up" was the hard cold fact that when that happened we’d have to be responsible.

SM is, and should always be, an adult activity. In spite of the plethora of fantasies, roles, and play, there is no real SM without some kind of responsibility. Stated otherwise, irresponsible behavior has no place in our kinky lifestyle, our dungeons, our relationships, or our play.

Responsibility, of course, means a great deal of different things, depending upon time, place, events, and relationships. It may be as simple as being responsible to make sure the chairs are set up for a meeting or that the ‘frig is stocked with cold brews. Or we may find ourselves responsible for large clubs, high-cost weekend programs, or the health and well-being of our submissive.

Recent comments about my columns have fueled today’s musings. Both deal with responsibility, though neither is directly related to the other. The first comment arose from my statement about "If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all."

I meant to use this cliché (one of my mother’s favorite) as regards gossip, innuendo, and very casual conversation. I was prompted to write it when I was defending a friend who had been "dished" by two un-named Masters who were quoting unknown bottoms. I have no problem sharing information, but sources must be quotable in order to be credible.

This is a basic principle that our society has embraced both in legislation and in practice. Certainly we are not perfect in our adherence to it, but it is still important.

The person who is being accused has the right to "face his accuser." If John has ill to say to Tom about Joe, both Tom and Joe have a right to know that the source is reliable. Without knowledge of John’s sources, establishing accuracy becomes impossible.

Of course some lessons can be told without full disclosure. Common sense and experience can show us much, even if it be of a general nature. On the other hand, too often assumptions, half-facts, opinions based on subjective analysis, and bold-face lies easily distort the truth.

There are ways to reinforce the truth without resorting to half-truths. If the truth is important, then it is important to get the truth correctly. We are all too prone to the shading of reality provided by our prejudices, our pride, and our very real human limitations.

So the responsibility to protect our community from con artists, abusers, liars, phonies, thieves, rapists, and the like is balanced by the responsibility that each of us has to speak the truth, not what we surmise, perhaps even circumstantially, or worse what we have heard second or third hand, to be the truth.

A while ago a prominent NY club, after careful investigation, warned their kinky community to avoid a certain top known to have no regard for the limits or safety of his sex partners. It was not a decision taken lightly, but it was one done responsibly.

Another while ago, a Chicago top was accused of similar charges while vacationing in another city. After substantial press coverage that could ruin a man’s reputation for life, it was discovered that the facts of the case were over-stated and that what was at first thought to have occurred was not an appropriate description of the "affair."

Needless to say, the press coverage that might have restored this man’s reputation was far less effective than that which tore him down. This, of course, is an example of irresponsibility, though I have to add that the media were using police records, so they are less to blame than those who misinformed the police.

This need for protection is why I am getting on the "references" band-wagon. If you need to know something about someone, ask that someone for references. Give him or her the chance to tell their story and to have others back it up for them. You have a right to know about a person’s experience and to have those who share those experiences confirm them as being what you were told they were.

The second question about responsibility is somewhat different. A female sub writes: "I am having trouble getting my Dom to climax. My ex husband was the same way and I am worried that it is my fault. Do some men simply need penetration to get off or is there something special that I can do to help him to relax enough to climax?"

Although I have said that a good slave is responsible for arousing his or her Master, the truth of the matter is that everyone is responsible for their own orgasm. For this sub to think it is her responsibility as to whether the top comes is strictly irrational. A better rule here is that dicks have minds of their own. There are times that even the guys carrying the dick can’t get it to ejaculate. How can someone else expect to be able to do so?

If your man or woman isn’t experiencing orgasmic sex with you, there may be a problem, but at least it is a shared one, not one to hang solely on the bottom. Truth is it may not be the bottom’s fault at all. There are two many physical and psychological variables when it comes to shooting a load or wetting one’s cunt for anyone to be held responsible.

Being tired, being depressed, taking medication, being distracted, having come recently, intoxication, and recreational drugs are all circumstances that will affect one’s ability to be have an orgasm. And that doesn’t even allow for that fact that one can have an orgasm and not ejaculate. When Patrick and I have an intense scene, I often bring myself close to orgasm, and sometimes even do so, without ejaculating. This allows me to "cum" again within a short time. This technique for multiple orgasms works well, but sometimes, after a couple of these "dry" orgasms, it becomes more difficult to have an orgasm with ejaculation.

I just get too tired, though if I rest for a short while I find myself still horny and will then be able to have an orgasm with an ejaculation.

There are, you see, lots of ways to view our responsibility when it comes to sex. It boils down to having the right information and acting like adults. It was a lot easier in the third grade, wasn’t it?

Have a great week. You can leave me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com.

Copyright 2001 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.