"The Joy of S/M"

© Lesbian and Gay New York - September 10th, 1999

Article by Susan Wright

I'm an s/m activist. Whenever I say that, people are sometimes amused, occasionally accepting, and most often shocked and amazed. "You? How can you do sadomasochism?" they ask. They wonder why anyone would admit they're into s/m, much less be an activist for such a controversial issue. But it catches people by surprise and can sometimes make them willing to reconsider what they know about s/m.

Unfortunately, most people's opinions about s/m are based on stereotypes. I'll never forget one staff member of the Human Rights Campaign (who I'm now friendly with) telling me, "I find your sexuality repellent." In that first meeting, she couldn't even stand next to me, and kept backing up as we talked. It was humiliating and frustrating, but my only weapon was to remain amiable as I tried to educate her over the years. It happens one person at a time, and the beating I take from being an s/m activist is nothing like my s/m love life.

The most basic definition of s/m is "an erotic exchange of power among two or more adults." I've always wondered why this dynamic of sexual giving and receiving has been vilified by some feminists. When people have sex, one partner is usually stimulating the other, and both are enjoying it. With s/m this dynamic is enhanced, but there is still a give-and-take. Communication is ongoing, both verbal and nonverbal, and the goal is a good time by all.

The truth is: people do s/m because it feels great. S/M definitely doesn't feel like what it looks like. We don't like to be hurt or harmed any more than anyone else. We interpret what we feel differently than others might, and we simply enjoy intense sensations. And we can stop any time we don't like what's happening.

The S/M-Leather-Fetish community embraces a wide variety of behaviors that range from sexual to spiritual, from physical to psychological, to things you may never heard of. There are infinite combinations of desires, and many people switch from top to bottom depending on who they are with, what they are doing, and how they feel at the time.

Some of us like physical sensations. We enjoy the endorphin rush that accompanies the skillful stimulation of our flesh, building toward a climax of exhilaration. It's similar to a runner's high, but the euphoric feeling doesn't take as much work as long-distance running and it's a lot easier on your body.

Others enjoy erotic mental stimulation, which can be enhanced by physical sensations. Many of us have favorite fantasies and activities. Others are more spontaneous in their negotiations and their desire to explore new areas. The point is, each person helps to create the scene, and the limits of both the top and the bottom are respected.

Because reality is so much more intense than fantasy, the barest hint of the fantasy is often enough to evoke a strong response. Maybe that's why our s/m short-hand sometimes seems awkward and distasteful to outsiders -- Top, bottom, slave, Master, Sir, Goddess, dungeon... Yet these words are merely cues that invoke a complex set of responses. What may be humiliating to you is pure ecstasy for another because they feel loved and cherished despite their faults.

Some say s/m is therapeutic for them, but most people I know say it's cathartic, both for the top and the bottom. It is something that reaches into the very heart of us and squeezes out all the bad feelings in our lives, leaving us cleansed and happy. To me s/m is a profound physical release, more than orgasm--though there's plenty of that, too!

The essential ingredient in s/m is trust. S/M practitioners talk a lot about sexual expression, much more than your average person. We can't hide our true desires, because the things we do are intense. So we have to learn new ways to communicate because our society doesn't teach us to talk about our innermost feelings and desires even with our closest partners. We end up discussing not only sexual techniques but issues of informed consent, safety, limits, and controversial things like playing "on the edge." In true consciousness-raising fashion, we examine our behavior and constantly debate the ways we make our sexuality safe and consensual.

Ten years ago, the S/M-Leather-Fetish community established guidelines for s/m behavior, saying that as long as it is "safe, sane and consensual," adults should be free to express their sexuality. "Safe, Sane and Consensual" was defined by the participants at the 1998 Leather Leadership Conference in NYC as: "Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing. Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge. Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through a "safe word" which ensures that each participant can end his/her participation with a word or gesture."

Some people erroneously worry that s/m is just a way of acting out abuse from the past. But sociologists have found there are no characteristics in childhood history, birth order, etc., that are more common among s/m practitioners than the general public. Specifically, there is no indication that s/m practitioners are more or less likely to have been spanked as children, or to have been the victim of sexual or other abuse as children.

Unfortunately, as with any group of people, you will find cases of domestic violence among s/m practitioners. The organized S/M-Leather-Fetish community, though numerous educational, social and activist groups, works hard to educate the public about the difference between s/m vs. abuse. In NYC, we have given trainings for the Anti-Violence Project and have invited Victim's Services to educate our community. Through events like the annual Leather Pride Night Auction, and the Gay Male S/M Activists street fair, Folsom Street East, the NYC s/m community has raised tens of thousands of dollars for the NYC Anti-Violence Project.

In recent years as more research has been published, the mental health and medical communities have begun to accept that s/m is a legitimate sexual expression. According to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), s/m per se is not a mental disorder. The DSM IV says that s/m becomes a diagnosable dysfunction only when "the fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning." In this case, s/m is like hand-washing--either one can become a disorder if you have no control over it.

The biggest burden for s/m practitioners is the social stigma. I've come to expect that the Christian Right will attack us for our sexual choices, deriding us and labeling our behavior as wrong because it is not what they would chose to do. But I am deeply demoralized when feminists or members of the LGBT community, who have long struggled with oppression and discrimination themselves, feel free to criticize me because of my form of sexual expression.

S/M practitioners are harassed, hurt, and humiliated by people who object to s/m. The 1994 survey by the group Female Trouble, "Violence Against S/M Women Within the Lesbian Community" found that 56% of the 539 s/m women surveyed had been the victim of violence--harassment, discrimination, or assault--by fellow lesbians because of their s/m orientation. Clearly s/m practitioners have a long fight ahead for equal protection and our civil rights.

Yet s/m activists are succeeding in educating those who should be our allies in our struggle for free expression. I coordinated the S/M Policy Reform Project for the National Organization for Women which successfully changed NOW's anti-s/m policy. The 1980 Delineation of Lesbian Rights stated incorrectly that s/m was "an issue of exploitation and violence." In July, NOW members approved the 1999 Delineation of Lesbian Rights which "embraces the rich diversity of issues and experiences that impact women's lives." In the last decade, the organized S/M-Leather-Fetish community has grown rapidly, along with the exploding Internet BDSM community, introducing people of all orientations to s/m. Millions of people like some form of s/m activities. The 1990 Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex reports that 5-10 percent of the U.S. population "engages in sadomasochism for sexual pleasure on at least an occasional basis, with most incidents being either mild or staged activities involving no real pain or violence."

So s/m is here to stay. I know some people say they don't care as long as they don't have to see it. But I'll shout from the rooftops: I'm not going back in the closet! Lesbians and Gays have fought to be able to express their sexuality affectionately, to be able to walk down the street hand in hand. Why can't I wear my collar in public? Why do I have to be ashamed of my affectionate embraces or the clothes I wear? Because it makes you uneasy? Well, there are millions of people who are uneasy at the sight of same-sex couples (or any couple for, that matter) kissing on the streets. I predict we will continue to see the mainstreaming of s/m as people realize they aren't alone and they don't have to feel ashamed about their sexuality. The heterosexuals (don't call these kinky people "straight"--most prefer "het") are far more closeted than LGBT s/m practitioners, partly because this is their first encounter with the stigma and prejudice against sexual minorities. But these queer-friendly people are just as committed to making real change in our society as the LGBT community. So why can't we work together? Forget identity politics! All I care about is the oppression, the discrimination, the hatred against those of us who are different. We should all be working together to win the freedom to choose how we act.

Let's have a real social revolution and eliminate all gender stereotyping and orientational prejudices. It's not necessary that you understand my sexuality. All I require is your tolerance. And in the end, isn't that what we have in common, our desire to gain tolerance from the rest of society? To not be kicked when we are down, or killed because we are different. To not have to worry about losing our jobs, or be afraid that our children will be taken away from us.

After all, isn't that the most important thing?

LGNY doesn't have a webpage. To get a copy of the paper or to respond, write to:
LGNY, 150 Fifth Ave., Suite 600 NYC, NY 10011
or email mailto:lgny@nycnet.com