Non-Monogamy

by Leila Raven
January 14 2004

What is Non-Monogamy?

In western society the assumed norm is usually that of a person either being single, or if in a relationship, to be in some form of monogamous relationship. Though 'dating' more than one person if one is not in a committed relationship is sometimes seen as an acceptable practice, essentially the assumption is that monogamy is the norm and the ideal lifestyle goal to aspire to. However, there are a number of people in this society, straight, gay, bisexual, trans, who have chosen to be non-monogamous. There are a number of ways people can practice non-monogamy. So when answering the questions of what exactly is non-monogamy you will find there are probably as many ways of practicing non-monogamy as there are people who are non-monogamous. Non-Monogamy is a lifestyle choice or identity for many, so people can still consider themselves non-monogamous, by choice, even when not practicing non-monogamy. For instance, in my own relationship right now with my partner Wolfe, we consider ourselves to be non-monogamous, polyamorous, but are not currently seeing any additional partners. Just like if one identifies oneself as heterosexual, even if you are single and not dating anyone, you haven't become asexual you're just not currently a 'practicing' heterosexual.

One could generally say that to be non-monogamous means to be intimately involved, sexually, or romantically with more than one person. People who use the term non-monogamy will often refer to it as ethical non-monogamy or consensual non-monogamy. What is implied then is that this practice of being involved intimately with more than one partner is practiced with mutual consent of the people involved, where there is no use of deception and the people involved directly or peripherally are aware of the non-monogamy and are not in opposition to it. That the people in these relationships agree to be non-monogamous and step outside of the box of the standard idealized norm of a two-person sexually and romantically monogamous relationship.

So why are some people non-monogamous? It may surprise people to know that anthropologically if we look at humanity past and present more cultures have practiced consensual non-monogamy than have practiced monogamy. Non-monogamy is not new. In traditional Western culture it has generally been taboo and is often done non-consensually, done secretly in what we tend to refer to as "cheating" on one's partner and lying about it, while pretending to be monogamous with that partner. Non-monogamy, in one form or another, statistically may actually be the norm regardless of our more prevalent cultural ideal. Divorce and adultery statistics indicate that monogamy fails a good deal more than it succeeds. 60% of men and 40% of women have extra-marital affairs. More than 50% of marriages now end in divorce.

As for specifically why some people identify as non-monogamous is not an easy question to answer. There are likely many contributing factors, similar to why some people are gay, and others are straight or bisexual. There are many people who are very happily monogamous and are in long-term successful monogamous relationships or series of monogamous relationships. Most monogamous people practice what is known as "serial monogamy", having one monogamous relationship after another. People who identify strongly as monogamous usually feel that they can be more intimate in an exclusive relationship with one person than in an inclusive relationship with more than one person.

Many people who have come to identify as non-monogamous have first tried living a monogamous lifestyle and found it did not meet their needs. Their experiences perhaps making them feel it unrealistic to expect any one person to fulfill all ones needs for intimacy, companionship, love, and sex, for the rest of their lives. In some of these situations they find they have not been able to maintain monogamous relationships because one partner or the other "cheats" and has secret affairs or one partner loses interest in the other or one or both partners discover conflicts or incompatible needs. So there are a number of people who become non-monogamous as a way of avoiding some of the problems they have experienced in monogamous relationships. There are others though who have always felt themselves to be non-monogamous and have started out in their intimate relationship choices in life as practicing non-monogamy. They haven't come to non-monogamy through trial and error of discovering that monogamy doesn't work for them but have always held the philosophy or feeling that non-monogamy was the right approach to relationships for them. Like many people who say that they knew from childhood that they were 'different' and that they were gay, or trans-gendered, there are people who feel they have always been non-monogamous in nature.

When looking at consensual non-monogamy, there are two primary terms that are used with great frequency; Polyamory, a relatively new term, and swinging.

Polyamoury

Is a relatively new buzzword for consensual non-monogamy. Literally polyamory means many loves, from the root words Poly meaning many and Amour meaning love hence "many loves" or Polyamory. Many people see this as the most common and generic term for non-monogamy. Often in the community of those practicing polyamory the term is shortened simply to poly. The range of polyamorous relationships is large and ranges from somewhat casual to extremely committed (including group marriage) situations. Unlike the concept of open marriage or free love coming out of the sexual revolution in the 1960s, the modern polyamory community tends towards creating multiple strong relationships, and approaches this with the same thought and care that is put into making traditional monogamous relationships work. People who identify as polyamorous often make a distinction between being 'poly' and 'swinging'. Feeling that polyamory (many loves) tends to focus more on relationships and love, while viewing swinging as being primarily focused on having additional sexual outlets. The love in poly relationships may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or any combination thereof, according to the desires and agreements of the individuals involved. There isn't always a hard line between polyamory and swinging. Many of the behaviors and relationships overlap. Sometimes it may come down to more of a preference in terminology to some people. There are those who call themselves poly, who are engaging only in multiple casual sexual relationships. There are those who call themselves swingers, who are committed and romantically involved with and in love with more than one partner. So when I make the distinction of how the labels differ, or how people who are poly usually define themselves, or differentiate themselves from swingers. I'm speaking in generalities, and semantics. Ultimately, I believe in a person's right to 'self-label'.

Since of the defining factors of polyamory is that it is consensual non-monogamy, it means that a critical element to the foundation of any polyamorous relationship is honesty. Honesty becoming just as important in a poly relationship as it would be in a monogamous one, perhaps more so. Obviously primarily honesty around ones relationship or relationships. Since the assumption in our society is that relationships are monogamous, if someone is non-monogamous but does not tell his or her partners, that's dishonesty 'cheating', and not considered responsible non-monogamy or polyamory.

The primary questions and concerns around polyamory that come up are around the issue of jealousy. Very few people live a polyamorous lifestyle without ever encountering some aspect of jealousy. What is often not understood is what jealousy is really all about. Jealousy can be a sign that one is either not getting one's needs met or is afraid of not getting one's needs met. Many monogamous people assume that in a poly relationship jealousy and competitiveness are the norm. There is a monogamy myth that there is only so much love to go around, and if someone else is getting some of it, it means you are getting less of it. It's interesting that in non-romantic familial love we don't have this mythical belief. We don't assume that a mother with 5 children loves any of her children any less than a mother who has one child. She may have less time to spend with each child, but then, in the large family the children also get the benefit of additional relationships with siblings. We can see and accept how this works in a non-sexual family dynamic. Polyamory tends to hold similar beliefs. If you have more than one partner it does not mean your love becomes divided, or that if you love more than one person or are intimate with more than one person, that it lessens the love for the others. You may have less one on one time with each partner involved in the poly relationship, but by the nature of the relationship, they, and you, also have additional people to meet their needs for love and attention. Some poly people, myself included, would argue that rather than diminishing the amount of love and attention you get in your relationships, the amount of love going around, shared, and expressed is multiplied in poly relationships. Sometimes jealousy can also be a sign of possessiveness; in that case I would hope the jealous person would want to examine the belief about a relationship meaning 'ownership' of a person. Another misconception is that jealousy is proof of love. As a polyamorous person, I love my husband very much, and when he is in love with someone else, and they love him back, I feel a tremendous amount of love and happiness for him, not jealousy. The belief for me is that what I want for my loved ones is their happiness and fulfillment, and that includes my own. For some people that would mean monogamy, for others, it means polyamory. Another myth is that jealousy is a sign of emotional immaturity, in which never being jealous is somehow 'better' or more mature than experiencing feelings of jealousy. The reality is, jealousy happens. Jealousy is a normal emotion that both poly people and monogamous people experience, and it is usually a combination of personality, communication and trust issues, and circumstances. The solution then is to look at and address jealousy in any relationship poly or otherwise, as it occurs, and try to come to understanding and hopefully resolution around those feelings. Many see jealousy as a signal that something needs investigation and care, much as they would regard depression or pain.

One of the other main aspects of a polyamorous relationship is usually having some form of relationship agreement, or agreements. Since the conventional (assumed) monogamy agreement is obviously not the agreement in a poly relationship, what then becomes the relationship agreement? Individuals in poly relationships generally make some specific agreements about sexual and romantic behavior outside (or inside) the relationship. There are many forms that polyamory can take, so working out what details of how any particular polyamorous relationship or relationships take is going to be specific to the people involved. It could be a 'single' polyamorous person who is seeing more than one person, and the agreement is then as long as everyone knows and is okay with it, that's enough. It could be a married couple that have agreed that one or both would like to have a relationship outside of the marriage, and have an agreement around the details of that relationship or relationships. It could be a couple that both identify as bisexual, and will only see other people together. It could be more than two people who decide to live together as a poly family. There are many configurations polyamorous relationships can take, and working out an agreement is important in general, and especially important for people who are considering changing from a monogamous relationship into some form of poly relationship. Agreements usually address aspects of sexual behavior such safer sex practices, or how much time is spent with particular partners. Common agreements include the agreement to always tell each other about any sexual or romantic involvement outside the current relationship(s). Sometimes this notification must be before any involvement happens, sometimes it's "before if possible, and after in any case". Sometimes part of the agreement may be 'veto power' that current partners must give prior and on-going approval to any involvement outside of the current relationship(s). Sometimes the agreement is one of fidelity. Not to be confused with monogamy. You can still have a fidelitous (closed) relationship with more than two people in the relationship. The most important part of having a relationship agreement is that in successful polyamory, there is some form of agreement that is discussed, well communicated and understood, and mutually agreed upon by everybody involved.

Poly Jargon and Poly Geometry

Closed Relationship - A relationship is closed if there is an agreement among the members to not get sexually and/or romantically involved with anyone outside the relationship. A monogamous relationship is a closed two-person relationship. Can also be known as polyfidelity.

Expanded Family - Where three or more people choose to live as a family unit. This usually involves a commitment between each of the partners and decisions are usually made by mutual consent. The term expanded family is also used to describe the core family and their closest supporting friends/families/lovers.

Group Marriage - Marriage that involves more than two people. Not usually legally recognized or by most major religions in western society. Some poly people do it by simply self-labeling, or making legal agreements similar to those found in a usual marriage.

Intimate Network - A term describing the social web that results from having sexual relations with friends and lovers of yours and your partners and perhaps their friends and lovers, etc.

Line Marriage - term taken from the works of Robert A. Heinlein, a science fiction writer, meaning a marriage that from time to time adds younger members.

Open Relationship - A relationship is open if there is an agreement among the members that it is acceptable to get sexually and/or romantically involved outside of the relationship.

Partner - May be short for life partner. Gender-free, hetero-assumption-free term for someone with whom one is involved, usually in a primary relationship. It may also sometimes be used in the context as a sexual partner.

Polyfidelity - Closed relationship involving more than two people. The members of a group marriage, for example, may limit their sexual/romantic involvement to members of the group.

Polygamy - Having more than one spouse.

Primary Relationship(s) - The relationship(s) which is (are) the most important and typically involve a high degree of commitment, such as the relationship with a marriage partner. In some cases "primary" refers to the lover with the most seniority. Some poly people don't like to use the terms such as primaries and secondaries or the concepts behind the terms, and see putting the relationships in a hierarchical rating as devaluing.

Secondary Relationship(s) - Close, ongoing emotional and/or sexual relationship(s), but with a lesser degree of commitment than a primary relationship.

Tertiary Relationship(s) - Emotional and/or sexual relationship(s) with little or no ongoing involvement.

Tribe - A social group that has a strong sense of identity and may have a family arrangement as its core.

Triad - A relationship involving three people. Often used in a fairly committed sense.

Triangle versus a V. In what is termed a V style triad where the person at the bottom of the V, or the pivot point, is involved with two people that form the arms of the V, those two people not being connected to one another with the same level of intimacy as the pivot base person in the V. In a triangle (or equilateral triangle) triad relationship the three people are each involved with both of the others.

Quads, pentacles, sextets... There are polyamourists who exist in multiple arrangements with more than three members. Poly geometry can get complicated and the agreements along with it as well. As in every other aspect of polyamory, the precise bonds of intimacy vary from group to group and from member to member within groups.

Swinging

Swinging is another form of non-monogamy. A term more people are familiar with perhaps than polyamory. Where polyamory is often viewed by those participating in it, as a lifestyle, and as a major part of their identity, sexually and otherwise. Swinging is generally viewed as seen as something more casual. A sub-culture of people who enjoy being sexual with acquaintances and/or friends. Usually in swinging, the focus is primarily sexual. Swinging is often done in groups, and there are networks and places that swingers can go to hook up with other swingers. Swinging can sometimes be a transitional phase where couples or singles experiment with non-monogamy. It may be an ongoing lifestyle choice, or individuals/couples may go back to choosing a monogamous lifestyle, or may go on to exploring non-monogamy that involves deeper connections than sexual exploration and then transition into polyamory.

Polyamourists usually tend to see a major distinction to be made between what is called "Swinging" and Polyamory. Most poly people view swinging, as the intent to engage in non-monogamous sexual behavior without the development of love, affection or personal intimacy between oneself and the secondary partners. With swingers generally seeking to engage in recreational sex without emotional intimacy. They see polyamory as having the intent to foster emotional intimacy to develop and grow between the people involved.

Non-consensual non-monogamy

What most people would term 'cheating'. Adultery statistics indicate that 60% of men and 40% of women have extra-marital affairs. The numbers may be higher than reported, and the statistics may be different (higher?) for unmarried couples. There are a lot of people practicing non-consensual non-monogamy. Having relationships with more than one partner, without one or both (or more) of those partners knowledge. My question. Why? Since most of us are actually at one time or another actually participating in some form of non-monogamy at some point in our lives, even if we don't use the label, people as a whole, are generally non-monogamous. Usually of the non-consensual kind, unfortunately. Wouldn't it perhaps be better to own up to the reality of accepting and embracing non-monogamy as a healthy alternative when done consensually? All too often when these situations are found out, by the person who didn't give consent. One or more of the relationships end, relationships that may have been perfectly fine, outside of the fact that trust was broken.

Leila Raven
January 14 2004

Recommended Books on non-monogamy:

The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities
Author: Dossie Easton & Catherine Liszt
December, 1998
Manufacturer: Greenery Press

Loving More: The Polyfidelity Primer
Author: Ryam Nearing
June, 1992
Manufacturer: Loving More

Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships
Author: Deborah M, Dr. Anapol
March, 1997
Manufacturer: Intinet Resource Center

Lovestyles: How to Celebrate Your Differences
Author: Tina B. Tessina
November, 1987
Manufacturer: Borgo Pr

Breaking the Barriers to Desire: New Approaches to Multiple Relationships
Author: Kevin Lano, Clarie Parry
September, 1995
Manufacturer: AK Pr Distribution

Lesbian Polyfidelity: A Pleasure Guide for the Woman Whose Heart Is Open to Multiple, Concurrent Sexualoves, or How to Keep Non-Monogamy Safe, Sane,
Author: Celeste West
January, 1996
Manufacturer: Booklegger Press

Sources:

"Alt.polyamory"
Last updated 2003
http://www.polyamory.org/ (accessed on: 10 Jul. 2015)

"alt.polyamory Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)"
Last updated 2004
http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq/ (accessed on: 10 Jul. 2015)

"Loving More" New Models for Relationships
Last updated 2003
http://www.lovemore.com/ (accessed on: 10 Jul. 2015)

"Polyamory.com" Resources for Polys and those who love them
Last updated 2003
http://www.polyamory.com/ (accessed on: 10 Jul. 2015)

"Sexuality.org Society for Human Sexuality" Polyamory Index
http://www.sexuality.org/polyamor.html (Site no longer up) (accessed on: 10 Jul. 2015)

"The Polyamory Society" Serving the Polyamorous Community"
http://www.polyamorysociety.org/ (accessed on: 10 Jul. 2015)