Three’s a Crowd, Four’s a Harem

Poly Relationships

By Norische

Multiple partners or poly relationships are common within the BDSM lifestyle. There are many different types of poly relationships, one Dominant and multiple slaves/subs, two Dominants and one slave/sub, one Dominant, a spouse, and a slave/sub, or two Dominants and multiple subs/slaves. Each relationship is unique, however there are several factors that must be present in each for them to be successful relationships.

The first factor is honesty. For a poly relationship to work the foundation of the relationship must be honesty. Each partner must be aware of any other partners and consent to be in a poly relationship. There is no room for secrecy or lies within the relationship.

The second factor is fairness. Normally within the relationship there is a primary, this is an individual that is "in charge" of the relationship. This person is the focus or center point of all other partners, There is then an alpha or first mate, this is the partner that was either chosen first or plays the most significant role. The second mate is the partner that was chosen second or plays a less significant role. If there are additional partners, they are given rank as well according to either the role they play within the relationship or the amount of time they have been within the relationship itself. Fairness is being able to understand each person’s needs, roles, and positions within the household and treating them accordingly.

Within the BDSM lifestyle there may be the Dominant, the majordomo or alpha, the domestic, the pleasure slave, the toy or showpiece, the chauffer, the sex slave, as well as others depending on their purpose or position. Each individual must be treated fairly, and given the attention accorded their position. By this I mean you may have three slaves, one is a domestic, one is your sexual partner, and the other is your spouse/slave, normally you would spend a different amount of time with each. You may spend most of your time with your spouse/slave and set aside a specific amount of time for your sexual partner, and spend very little time with your domestic, basically only when that individual’s services are needed.

There are also poly relationships within the BDSM community that are based on multiple slaves or submissives given equal standing without having a specific hierarchy. Each one shares in all tasks, each one plays an equal part in the household and each one is treated equally. These relationships are a little more complicated than a pre-designated hierarchy, when a task is designated all must decide who is available, who is best suited for the task, or whose turn is it to do the task. This does have a tendency to slow down things a little, but with time and patience all involved will naturally begin to make their own place with in the relationship. Within this type of relationship there normally is a lot of sharing in tasks, instead of one person being designated to do the grocery shopping it is done by several individuals or by the whole group. While this does strengthen the bond between individuals within the relationship it also limits how many tasks can be done at one time. The whole foundation for this type of poly relationship is equality and fairness.

The third factor is self-esteem. For someone to live successfully within a poly relationship they must have good self-esteem, without it emotions can play havoc on the relationship. Having to share one individual with someone else or several individuals means that you are willingly depriving yourself of time, attention, and affection, as well as resources. This deprivation may bring to surface some very destructive emotions, such as jealousy, fear of loss, inferiority, loneliness, envy, fear of rejection, possessiveness, self-doubt, trust issues, and selfishness. Such destructive emotions can tear away at the very foundation of a poly relationship. When such emotions are present it affects all parties within the relationship, competition can be a healthy thing, but not when it’s done for a destructive reason. Arguments will start over simple things, as individuals struggle for attention and affection. The only way to avoid this headache is to choose your partners wisely, even with the most stable individuals there are still going to be times when emotions are not always at their most logical. Bringing someone into the relationship that has low self-esteem or is starved for attention is unfair to all concerned, this individual would monopolize the others time, intentionally or not.

The fourth factor is communication. With out communication there honestly isn’t a relationship at all. Each partner in a poly relationship needs to focus on keeping the lines of communication open. Everyone must feel that they have the right to speak about any problems they may be having. Learning how to say what you mean, to stick with facts, not to exaggerate or embellish, and not to allow your emotions to rule your words are key factors in good communication. Another key factor is learning to listen. Most people can hear what others are saying but are they really listening? To actively listen to someone you need to hear what they are saying, how they are saying it, as well as what they are not saying, you also need to listen with your eyes. No I am not confused, when I say listen with your eyes I mean you need to observe a persons body movements and expressions when they speak. Does he have his arms crossed over his chest, is her head bowed, is she shuffling her feet, is he avoiding eye contact, all these mannerisms tell you as much about what an individual is trying to say as what is coming out of their mouth. Talk to each other, and take the time to listen.

The fifth factor is resources. Poly relationships can be either a blessing or a curse in this respect. There must be enough resources to cover the needs of all partners for everyone to feel comfortable within the relationship. Having the financial burden of supporting several individuals is not an easy task; especially in today’s economic uncertainty. Being able to share the burden and pull resources is one of the greatest benefits to multiple households. Instead of one person working 40 hours and any overtime that he/she can get just to make ends meet, you have 3 people working 30 hours and living comfortably; sometimes you have two people working full time positions while the other stays home and takes care of the house. The variations are endless, but the bottom line is the same the burden is spread amongst all partners, hence lifting the load a little.

When I write this it is based on my experience as a poly Dominant. I have been active in the BDSM lifestyle for over eleven years, and prefer multiple partners. The largest poly relationship that I have been involved with was with three males. Here are some simple hints that I found helped me quite a bit throughout the years...

*Separate Bedrooms. Everyone needs his or her own space, which is hard to find in a crowded home. Having somewhere to go for a little peace and quiet can calm the nerves and ease one’s mind a great deal.

*Individual Time. This is time you set aside to spend with one person, just you and that person, no one else. It can be so simple as a walk in the park, watching their favorite TV show, or taking a long hot bubble bath with him or her. It is not what you do that counts it is the fact that you did it alone with them, it makes them feel special.

*Group Time. This is time where you all do something that everyone enjoys; it is a time for bonding and communication. When emotions are getting a little hot, set everyone down, put on some soothing music, light a few candles and talk.

*Personal Time. This is time where you explore each other on a more intimate level. The possibilities are endless when you have multiple partners; too tired to play tonight... no problem, let the others have fun and you just sit back and direct the show.

*Chore lists. An absolute must in my opinion, I have spent to many hours listening to whose turn it is to take out the garbage or wash the dishes. Everyone knows what his or her chores are and that it is their responsibility to see that it gets done. When I make out a chore list I first ask for volunteers, if I get no response I start dishing out the chores, as I want to.

*Household Fund. Normally everyone has their own bills when they come into a relationship, like car payments, insurance, credit cards. I make sure that those needs are met and then each individual is expected to donate a portion of their earnings into a household fund. This fund is set aside primarily for bills, but it is also there for vacations, car repairs, vet bills, and other unexpected inconveniences.

*Household Rules. Although it may seem childish to have house rules that are necessary I assure you. Simple things like "No smoking in the house", "No long distance phone calls without permission", or "If you don’t want someone to eat it, put your name on it", will save you a migraine or two down the road. Also more personal rules such as "Do not have any form of sexual contact with another person without explicit permission" are also very important.

A Poly household is a wondrous thing, however it is a huge undertaking as well. Take the time to explore and enjoy the relationship to it’s fullest and you will find your world is a beautiful place.

Every relationship is unique; I hope that some part of what I have written here will help you understand the dynamics of the poly relationship. These words are based on my experiences and are my opinions, please accept them as such.

If you have any questions or would like to contact me my email address is Norisch1@mchsi.com.

Norische