The Foundations Of A Relationship

Part II: Honesty

By Norische

Honesty is a foundation block within a BDSM relationship. While it is true that honesty is primary within any relationship, the truth of this statement is ten fold within a BDSM relationship.

Honesty begins long before you meet someone; it begins within you. You must be able to be honest with yourself, to know your own imperfections, flaws, and limitations, to understand them and embrace them. You must be able to be yourself and feel comfortable with the understanding that while you are not perfect, at least you are exactly who you appear to be.

The facades of perfection and superiority that some individuals put forth are exactly that, a façade... they are no more real than the Easter Bunny or Santa Clause (forgive me Santa). When I meet such individuals there are several things that I am acutely aware of.

First, they are not comfortable with who they are, why else would they feel the need to pretend to be someone or something that they are not.

Second, they do not understand the need for honesty within a BDSM relationship, for if they did they would not put on a façade.

Third, they have a low self esteem... perhaps they fear that you will not like or approve of who they really are and therefore they feel a need to recreate themselves to be more or better than what they truly are.

Fourth, they do not respect others... for if they respected others they would not believe them to be so shallow as to not see through the façade and make an educated decision for themselves as to like or dislike an individual based on truth and not on the illusion put forth.

Fifth, they do not understand human psychology... for it is the very nature of a submissive or slave to place a Dominant on a pedestal to begin with, and to see them for more than they truly are. It is also the nature of a Dominant to believe that his or her slave/sub can do anything; "My slave can make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum the house, wash the dishes, fix dinner, walk the dog, take my jacket to the dry cleaners, pick up the theater tickets, do the grocery shopping, scrub the kitchen floor, mow the yard, and still be waiting for me kneeling nude with hot coffee in hand when I walk in the door after work." We do not need façades of grandeur or false images of each other to be presented to us; we do it on our own.

So as you can see honesty is something that must begin with self, but it cannot stop there. When arranging to meet someone you must be honest as well. How else can a bond be formed or a relationship started... on lies... I think not. To trust someone you must believe with all your heart and soul that they are being honest with you. You must be able to see them for who they are, with your eyes wide open, not clouded over by a fog of lies or half truths. Within the BDSM realm we find ourselves putting our lives in another’s hands on a regular basis, to do so we must trust our partner.

Within a scene, we must trust our partner to know what he or she is doing and that can only be achieved through an honest disclosure of knowledge, experience and ability.

Within a relationship, we must be honest with our partner if we expect honesty in return. We cannot build a relationship based on lies, false pretence, or ignorance. We must strive to build on honesty, pride, and understanding.

Honesty is one of the fundamental forces within this Universe; it is so easy to build trust when it is based on honest. However, it is very difficult to rebuild the trust once lies have interwoven themselves into the intricate fabric of the relationship.

Strive for honesty, and understanding. Know yourself, be honest with yourself and then you may find the honesty within others.

As with everything this is my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is Norisch1@mchsi.com. If you wish to see more of my work you may find a complete listing of all my writings at... http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Norisches_Quill/?yguid=99788111 in the files section.