Finding A Partner

Introduction

One of the questions that we are always getting asked is, "How do I meet someone in the scene?" After all, it is not the easiest of things to do.

You can not rely on people wearing a certain look - goth, fetish, bondage, collars, they are all becoming common fashion elements. A lot of people who are not interested in the scene as such still adopt the imagery for style, originality, or any one of dozens of personal reasons. Then there is the side that many genuine scene folk, or scene curious folk, do not fetishise - they don't have any reason to wear a particular look, or they choose not to to avoid the perceived problems.

Then you have the side that most scene interested folk are at least as nervous as you are about putting their feelings out in public and on the line. Two thoroughly kinky people may sit next to each other for hours, may even have known each other for years, yet neither one will mention their interests nor guess the other's.

Understandably meeting someone interested in the scene is hard enough and then finding someone who has the right match of kinks for you is even harder.

Ways To Meet People

"Vanilla" Friends

As shown in the example earlier, kinky people pass each other by every day without realising it. A commonly quoted figure (as always "there are lies, damned lies and statistics" and "98.7% of statistics are made up on the spot") is that one in ten people are gay. From experience, I'd guess that there is probably a similar number that are kinky - maybe more who are interested to a small degree, maybe less who are heavily interested. The point it that there really are large numbers of people interested in the scene and you're quite likely to work with them, hang out with them or sit next to them on the bus.

So, how do you go about meeting all of these people? How do you tell who has the dark kinky secrets just waiting to be freed and who really is vanilla?

When conversation turns to such matters, raise the scene, allude to an interest, even a knowledge about it. That is all that is needed. If the person you are talking with is not interested or finds the subject distasteful, let it drop - no one should have it forced upon them. In the same way, if they show interest, talk a little more, let them ask questions.

If you are "out" it makes things much easier, as you don't need to be so defensive about exposing yourself. It also makes it easier for other people to know that you definitely are interested and they are not misreading signals. Outing yourself doesn't have to be anything traumatic. You don't have to start dressing up in fetishwear, you don't have to force any confrontations with friends, families and employers. All it needs be is to simply make the decision that you are not going to deny anything about yourself and thus answer questions openly, honestly and intelligently. Both kitten and I have outed ourselves and it has actually been a remarkably painless experience - most people will respect, if not agree with, your choice if you can put it in well reasoned terms they can understand.

If you can offer information, offer a safe place to ask questions, offer someone they feel they can trust to expose their own feelings to, that really helps. Not everyone will respond straight away - they may want some time to think about how they feel before coming back to you, it may take several conversations. They may decide that, for all your honesty, you are simply not the person they want to discuss their innermost feelings with. Nonetheless, in a lot of cases, being honest and open gives people a chance to do the same themselves.

It is well worth noting that "not everyone is kinky" here. There is a real temptation to want someone to be and push them to the point where they are uncomfortable. Much as I hate to admit it, I have done exactly that myself in the past. You have to be very careful not to read in what you want to from their responses. Also remember that just because they enjoy the thought of a little light bondage once a month doesn't necessarily mean they're ever going to be interested in enemas and humiliation play.

Contact Listings

Contact listings can be a very direct way of meeting someone if that is what you want. They allow the advertiser to clearly set out what they are looking for and allow the person reading them to take the time to find someone who is likely to be compatible.

There are, unfortunately, a lot of downsides to using contact listings:

You can never rely on people being exactly who they claim to be. The "19 year-old, slim, Swedish model" is just as likely to be the 28 year-old, out of shape "but not fat as such" dyed blonde. The "Experienced Master" may even have read up to page 100 of the Story of O. To be fair, many people will be honest, but there are also going to be a great many whose ideas of being put in their best light is not the same as other people's idea of honesty or accuracy.

If you post an ad you are likely to either get very few responses or a huge number of responses, depending on who you are (more on that later) and how you phrase your ad. If you are lucky enough to be popular, the replies you will get will have all of the problems listed for replying to ads.

Whether advertising or responding, if you do decide to get in contact with someone you need to make sure you're safe. Consider whether or not you really want to be giving out home phone numbers, addresses and other personal information that could lead to a freak (in the least fun sense) not taking no for an answer. If you meet up somewhere neutral, is it somewhere safe, somewhere that you can back out of? Also, ensure you have some reason to call things off early if you decide you don't want to go any further, but will not be an issue if you want to continue on.

Chatrooms

Chatrooms are becoming more and more popular. As a chance to discuss and explore ideas anonymously, they are wonderful. You have the opportunity to meet a much wider range of people than you are likely to normally come across. You can share ideas, some people roleplay concepts, or you can make arrangements to move over to "Real Life".

Unfortunately, the very anonymity that makes it safe for you makes chatrooms safe for people who don't necessarily understand what the scene involves. As with contact listings, you need to be very careful that the person you are talking to really is who and what they say they are. We have sadly seen friends' behinds that have been beaten black and blue by "Experienced, sensitive, Doms" who turn out to simply be sadists (nothing wrong with being a sadist, so long as the person you're playing with knows before you beat them senseless).

As chatroom users need to keep their guards up, they are likely to be wary of newcomers. The best advice we can give is not to enter the room and start demanding everyone's asl (age/sex/location). Instead, participate in conversations, become a regular who is respected for your thoughts and ideas. When you are ready, when people have had a chance to form a good opinion of you and when you have met someone you would really like to get to know better, then ask them politely. You are much more likely to receive a positive response and find something more fulfilling from it that way, rather than by hitting on everything that moves until you "get lucky".

Fetish Clubs

Fetish clubs are a great place to go - if you want to go clubbing. They tend to have good music, played by big name DJs. They have a very easy going atmosphere - the aggressive drunks you get in most clubs are completely not tolerated, not to mention the fact that most aggressive drunks wouldn't have the nerve to turn up in costume anyway. Beyond all of the aspects of a well run club night, there are a lot of stunning people and costumes to look at and looking (looking, not touching) is usually positively encouraged - after all, there's nothing worse than going to a huge amount of trouble over your outfit and not getting noticed.

As with a regular club, it's probably not the best venue to meet people: The music's loud so you can not get to talk to people easily, and most people have come in groups or with partners. If you enjoy going to vanilla clubs to meet people, then this may not be a problem. For most people though, clubs are simply not a great place to meet others.

Fetish clubs are often very well run club nights. When you bring in the fact that fetishwear is becoming more mainstream fashion, there is no guarantee that the person you are speaking to is actually interested in the scene as opposed to a vanilla clubber who simply enjoys the atmosphere. If they are indulged in a scene then they're quite likely to be interested in the scene itself but equally likely to be with someone already.

Fetish clubs are great clubbing venues, with a lot to see and can be a lot of fun to attend. For the majority of people though, they are not the ideal place to meet others.

Munches

Munches really are probably the best places to meet people.

All of the attendees are going to be genuine scene folk (rather than say the vanilla clubbers who simply enjoy a fetish club's atmosphere). You'll have the chance to talk first to find out if you are compatible (a great advantage over personals) and you'll know that they are who they say they are (as opposed to chatrooms or personals). There is also the safety side that people who do abuse the scene will become well known for it and shunned.

Please do note that I said "meet," not "find a partner". Munches are generally relaxed environments and the organisers tend to be very protective of that atmosphere. A horny person running around trying to seduce everyone in sight, or unable to take no for an answer, is very likely to be asked to leave.

Just like a vanilla gathering, just because someone is there does not mean they are interested in a partner - or even if they are, that they are interested in you. If you would like to politely show interest that is usually fine. Just be prepared to accept "no" for an answer.

The best advice that can be given for a munch is to become known as a friendly, intelligent, knowledgeable regular. If you turn up at your first munch and proposition every other person there you'll quickly get a bad reputation. If you become a respected part of that community, those people you express an interest in are much more likely to reciprocate.

Male/Female, Dom/sub

Whether fair or not, different genders and D/s leanings do make a difference.

Gender

There tend to be more males than females involved with the scene. This may be a perception issue, as single males tend to be a lot more aggressive than single females (both Doms and subs) and so draw more attention to themselves. It may also be that it is less taboo for males to express these feelings in a lot of society. Whatever the reason, males will generally find it a little harder to meet others and have more of a negative stereotype to overcome. A good example of this are the many clubs and munches that will not permit single males to enter.

Dom/mes and subs

The balance of Dom/mes to subs is a more complex one. An inexperienced sub can generally play with a Dom/me of any level of experience where as an inexperienced Dom/me tends to be regarded as less appealing. For this reason there tend to be far fewer desirable Dom/mes to desirable submissives. Most experienced Dom/mes we know of tend to have a lot of different submissives expressing an interest.

Again, for whatever reason, there tend to be a lot more Doms around than Dommes. Those Dommes that there are tend to be more genuine, more experienced, and more monogamous, while a lot of Doms are very promiscuous and tend to over rate their experience, thus giving the impression of there being far more experienced Doms out there than experienced Dommes. Please note that these are tendencies we have observed and are by no means the rule for every Dom or Domme - there are plenty of very bad Dommes and wonderful Doms.

What This All Means

When you combine all of these issues you tend to find that there are far more male submissives than female Dommes and while there are roughly similar numbers of male Doms to female subs, the female subs that there are will tend to be wary of a lot of Doms until they feel the Doms are experienced enough to trust.

This all means that it is generally harder for males to meet females within the scene than vice-versa. It is also generally much harder for male submissives to meet female Dommes and a little harder for Doms to meet female subs.

I should take this opportunity to apologise to any homo- or bi- sexual readers. I have only covered the heterosexual angle for two reasons - it is the more common (though gay bdsm groups are certainly not uncommon) and also because I simply do not have the experience to give a fair discussion.

Conclusion

Every different method has its pros and cons. Of all of them, the one we would have to recommend would be going to munches - they are simply the most relaxed, open and honest of all of the options. If you do not feel comfortable with munches, the ones in your area are run badly, or you simply prefer another option, that is of course entirely up to you. Find whatever means works well for you.

Depending on your gender and your sexual leaning you are going to find meeting people easier or harder. This is not necessarily fair, but it is something you are likely to encounter. Realising this, you can do your best to counter it.

As I have found myself repeatedly mentioning, who you are and how you conduct yourself will make a huge difference, probably the largest one. Run around propositioning everyone and you may get lucky occasionally but you will also get a bad reputation. If you come across as being intelligent, thoughtful, and interesting, taking the time to establish a good reputation for yourself, you are far, far, more likely to meet someone. This especially holds true for male readers who are, for whatever reason, in a much more common group where you need to do more to distinguish yourself.

Coming across as intelligent and experienced really is very important. Fortunately there are ways to gain a degree of experience and come across as being intelligent. That you are taking the time to read about the scene implies you have already discovered one of the best approaches. Read all you can, be it through sites such as this or books such as SM101 or Screw The Roses. Discuss ideas with others and think about them yourself. While actual experience is always important, exploring the concepts and ideas and gaining an understanding first makes a huge difference.

Finally, be approachable within chatrooms, munches or clubs and with vanilla friends. If people feel they can talk to you about the scene they are much more likely to open up and turn to you with any interests, not to mention tell others about you.

SoulThief