Introducing your Partner to Key Holding

Elizabeth Steven 2004
© Chastity UK 2001 - 2004

Before introducing the idea of chastity to your loved one you need to realize that the journey into chastity should be one of mutual benefits and not just to simply satisfy your own fantasy of being dominated. Chastity can bring something new and very exciting to your sexual repertoire which can extend into every day situations other than just the bedroom. But it is essential that you introduce your chastity desires in a way which will appeal to your wife, girlfriend, or lover. It must not be about you forcing, pushing or cohersing the idea to have your own fetish needs met.

Knowing Yourself

Before you can expect your wife or girlfriend to understand your chastity fetish, desires and fantasies you should first think about yourself and define your own understanding of your needs. This may seem an obvious statement, but you need to be prepared for questions your lover may pose, to know what your response may be, and to personally fully understand the difference between your desires or fantasies and practical realities.

Asking yourself the questions below may help you to clearly define your own chastity fetish, and therefore be better prepared to announce your desires to your loved one.

To be of benefit you must be honest with yourself and remove fantasy from practicality, think carefully about each question and allow yourself time to fully answer each question.

1. What does chastity mean to me?
2. Why do I want to be locked in?
3. What would my maximum lock in period be?
4. Do I want to be completely dominated, subservient to my key holder?
5. Am I by nature submissive?
6. Is my wife dominant by nature, if not does this matter anyway if she is open to the idea and is generally a little adventurous in bed?
7. Do I want to use chastity as an extension of our sexual repertoire for fun, love and fidelity? Or do I want it to become a way of life, with me being permanently in chastity.
8. How can I prevent my Chastity fantasies from taking over my life rather than being a part of it? Are my fantasies realistic?
9. Will I be imposing my Chastity desires on my wife, and in so doing controlling her, rather than my wife controlling me?
10. In what situations do I most want to be locked up? Are there occasions when I really won't want to be locked up?
11. How do I want my key holder to control me? (consider these words - loving, confident, playful, strict, harsh, dominate, authoritative, assertive, caring.)
12. Would we need a written chastity contract? Why?
13. What arrangements should be made so that I am able to remove the device when it's absolutely essential for health reasons?
14. What style of chastity device would I like most and why?
15. Will this design appeal to my wife. Am I willing to take my wife's opinion into account with respect to my choice of belt/device?

Understanding Your Wife/Girlfriend

Things to avoid when making the announcement!

One of the vital things to consider when announcing your chastity desires to your wife is your choice of words. The type of words you choose to use will have a big impact on your success. Domination, bondage, discipline, punishment and slave are unlikely to be words in your favor, unless of course your lovely lady is a secret dominatrix with skills to complement your own suppressed submissiveness! Such words may conjure up images of dungeons, whips, manacles and pain.

Telling her that wearing a chastity device will make you attentive to her needs or make you a better husband is very unlikely to be accepted by your wife as a convincing argument. Why aren’t you already attentive?

Showing affection, desire and love are all elements of a good marriage and it should not take a chastity device to bring these feelings and behaviors about. If it does you need to question your relationship.

If you introduce your chastity fetish to her by announcing that you will do the washing up, take out the rubbish, do the ironing, etc, she will wonder why you don’t already contribute to helping.

And if you explain that the benefits to her include you demonstrating your love by giving her a massage, brushing her hair, giving her some of the best ever oral sex, she will question why you don’t already occasionally do some of these lovely things for her.

There are quite a few sites on the internet which suggest that the above techniques are the ones to use. However, most of these web sites are written by men who forget that women will see through such words. What is really happening with the above techniques is that the male wants something for him and his fetish and he’s disguising his desires and his needs as a form of submission towards his wife, and hoped for future key holder. The question here is who is manipulating and dominating the situation?

The best technique is to be honest. Perhaps once you really understand your own chastity desires, have make the decision to share these with your wife, and have gathered the courage to initiate the conversation, an initial approach including some or one of the following suggestions may work for you:

1. Explain that you NEED to LEARN to serve you wife BETTER, in order to help make her life easier.
2. Attending better to her needs around the house and in the bedroom would make your own life MORE fulfilling.
3. Receiving guidance and constructive criticism from her about how you perform your daily tasks would help you to become MORE attentive to her needs and desires.
4. Wearing a chastity device will mean that your energy is not wasted on masturbation but is reserved for higher things, such as pleasing her.
5. Wearing a chastity device may bring her pleasures in the bedroom, as you will focus your energy on her pleasures and desires, her pleasure becomes your pleasure. It is also a way to spice up bedroom playtime and to introduce Tantric techniques whereby she grants you permission to orgasm for her, or not as the mood takes her.
6. Be honest and explain that you have been fascinated by the thought of wearing a chastity device. Tell her some of your fantasies, not those which may be threatening to her, but just little thoughts of how she could tease you, or ask you to do MORE tasks around the house, give her some examples.
7. Allow time for her to consider all of what you've said. As you speak to her don't be forceful, don't push the idea of key holding on to her, and at the same time don't be all weak and exceptionally subservient or sniveling. Don't show her images of your ideal Dominatrix, or submission scenario she may not be able to relate such things to your own relationship.

Overall, give her the opportunity to make up her own mind about you desires and future chastity games or chastity lifestyle. She needs to take ownership of the role of key holding, it must not be a decision she's taken just to please you if it is not want she really wants.

Real experiences of introducing a partner to your chastity desires

Experimentation:

Let’s assume that your wife has shown quite an interest in your chastity and submissive desires, and that she’s quickly warming to the idea.

You must allow yourselves time to experiment, understand that sometimes things may not go to plan, and don't expect too much too soon. It is essential that you allow yourself time to become accustomed to your device, and have a settling in period, it may take up to 2 weeks to work out exactly the right combination of rings and spacers of a CB-3000 for your body.

It’s vital too that you allow your wife time to become accustomed to her new role of key holder. You need to remember that whilst you're getting used to the frustrations, infuriation, excitement and arousal of your cock being encased within your chastity device, she is becoming accustomed to the responsibilities of holding your key, controlling your manhood, and restricting your orgasms.

You also need to allow her to develop her own style of key holding or dominating. Her style may not be exactly as strict as you had hoped for, but it is her way, its what is best for her, and ultimately what is right for you both.

You need to allow her time to consider her emotional feelings and thoughts about keeping her man locked up for her, especially if it's something she never considered before. She also needs to have sufficient time to do her own research about chastity, perhaps by visiting web sites, joining discussion groups such as those hosted by Yahoo!

Some of Her Concerns:

If your wife is not dominant by nature she may be worried that you want her to become something which she feels incapable of being. She may agree to your chastity desires just to please you. Is she submissively agreeing to your domineering need for submissiveness? She may begin to wonder why you want her to change, and to question whether you love her as she is? She may start to question your whole relationship.

Some women will be concerned that your fetish means you will not be the man she married. Perhaps one of the reasons she loves you is because of your manliness and because you have always made the first move sexually. She may be worried that you will change in to some indecisive slave, when who she married was someone with his own mind and an animal in bed. You need to carefully explain that she will be controlling your desires without diminishing your qualities as a man. There is no reason why a man locked in chastity can't initiate sexual playtime. Part of your wife's version of dominating you may be to insist that you make the first move to orally serve her, to give to her as many orgasms as she would like, and then to gently massage her shoulders as she falls asleep, while you have been denied your own orgasm.

The main thing is that you both progress from turning fantasies into reality at a pace which is comfortable for you both. This initially will need to be judged by you. So be careful and don't push the idea too fast, unless of course she wants to! You cannot teach her to be dominant, you need to allow her to find her own style, and if it is not as strict and as domineering as you would like, then you must adjust your own expectations, and to accept what she wants of her role. A submissive male in chastity should gladly accept his key holder's methods and techniques, his goal in life is to please her.

I know if she's open to the idea of key holding, her mind will be planning little ways to tease and excite you, just thinking of how to excite and deny a man is as equally arousing for the woman as wearing the device is for the man.

In addition to delighting in the sexual pleasures she will receive from your newly improved attentiveness, she will begin to appreciate the extra tasks you will perform around the house. She will soon realize that within almost every woman is the potential is become the loving dominant partner of the relationship.

A Joint Decision:

For chastity to work well it has to be a joint decision. If you're both eager to try chastity then the belt or device you choose should also appeal to your wife. It's no good you buying an expensive belt and she hates the sight of it. Some women find the Millers devices to be quite sexy, the transparency of the CB-2000, CB-3000 or the Curve nicely displays the enslaved penis. Other women like the thought of the traditional Florentine style belts believing they are more secure. Others initially prefer to go for something like the Stallion Guard as a low cost device to experiment with before deciding on a more secure belt or cage. There are key holders who like to allow and see the penis fully erect whilst its encased, belts and devices most suited to this concept, known as "penile negation", include the Samurai and Caterpillar cock cages from Mr S. Neither of these 2 devices can be considered long term wear, however, they're an ideal purchase as an additional chastity device to your collection, and allow your key holder the opportunity to employ different techniques of teasing. Some key holders love these devices because they relish the sight of a fully erect, straining cock unable to escape.

When Not to Pursue it Further:

By all means carefully let your wife know of your desires, and perhaps recommend books and websites for her to visit, but don't expect over night miracles. If the thought of dominating you, or controlling your orgasms is totally alien to her, if it is against all her own natural feelings and instincts, then you will have to accept that. As mentioned above Chastity needs to be a mutual thing. You need to be careful that your desires and fantasies do not push you and your wife apart. Any fetish which is almost "forced" or pushed on to a lover can deeply harm that relationship if your lover is not interested. Be careful, be loving, be considerate of her needs and you might be lucky!

Perhaps after you've introduced the subject and received a cold response you should both agree to a cooling off period, of say a month or 2, during which time neither of you mention chastity. This would give your wife time to do some research on male chastity if she wished, without feeling that you are forcing her into it. It would give her thinking time. Remember she needs to take ownership of her role of keyholding, she mustn't be doing it just to please you. After the cooling off period has passed carefully raise the subject again, and listen to your wife's feelings, allow her time to talk and don't interrupt. If male chastity is still something she dislikes you will have to accept that for the health of your relationship.

Elizabeth Steven 2004
© Chastity UK 2001 - 2004