Do spankos always see spanking as sex?

By Invidia

An interesting discussion has sprung up in the comments that visitors have made in response to TheBoss's entry on 4/16. He was explaining that we have a pair of friends that are also spanking enthusiasts. We have never exchanged spankings with them, though things like that often took place at the parties that we all attended. I have seen him give her several spankings and she was even the subject for a talk he gave our local group on paddles and paddlings once.

For reasons of privacy and my concern for my continued employment, TheBoss and I had to stop attending the local spanko get-togethers. Our two friends eventually stopped attending too - mostly because the group was having some continuity issues and wasn't as much fun as it had once been. Despite that we have maintained our friendship. We were in attendance at their wedding, and they were in attendance at ours. We chat on the phone and get together once in awhile for dinner and conversation. We talk a lot about spanking during those times, but we don't take it to the next level and do any actual spanking. Why? Well, it's a complicated matter. One thing I can say for absolute certain is that it has nothing at all to do with sex - at least not from my perspective. Though an anonymous commenter has pointed out that spanking is tantamount to sex and therefore trading spanking partners is akin to swinging, I just don't buy that explanation. Take the following for example: I don't cook in their kitchen, I don't change the channel on their set, I don't ask them to borrow money, and I don't criticize the art that hangs on their walls. None of these things have to do with sex either - it's just not a part of our friendship dynamic. With my best friend, any of the above would be something that would be appropriate, but she and I have a different dynamic. (I would not hop in bed with her or spank her either by the way. Our relationship. though intimate, has nothing to do with sex.)

I can accept that spanking and sex are inextricably intertwined for some people. I can also accept that for others it is foreplay, is a turn-on, or is even a sexual act in and of itself. There are people who will make the same case about French kissing. However, that does not mean that spanking is sex. Nor can I find any definition of sex that would support such a statement. As the Clinton/Lewinski matter showed us several years ago, the definition of sex ("sexual relations") is different for everyone.

That said, why should I find it so upsetting when someone makes a statement such as: "To a spanko spanking is sex. Every time - all the time."? Is it that I am not really a spanko? Could that be?

If being a spanko were a crime, would there be enough evidence to convict me of it? Let's take a look...

• I maintain a spanking blog online where I discuss spanking on a near daily basis.
• I have authored several spanking stories and have created hundreds of spanking pictures.
• I maintain a large online gallery of spanking pictures.
• I visit other spanking blogs several times weekly and often engage in commentary about spankings there.
• I have a known history of belonging to spanking communities and attending spanking parties.
• I have hosted spanking parties within my own house.
• My husband and I engage in regular spanking activity.
• I own several hundred dollars worth of spanking paddles, canes, straps, and other implements.
• Spanking videos, magazines, and printed versions of online spanking stories are in evidence in my house.
• I am a member of eight spanking message boards and mailing lists.
• I was once a moderator of a spanking chatroom where I regularly engaged in cyber-spanking.
• I have one and a half gigs of spanking pictures saved on my hard drive.
• I have checked out public library books on corporal punishment and the history thereof over the years.
• I have even looked for spanking references in scholarly journals, dictionaries, and other reference books.

Let's hope that being a spanko doesn't soon become a crime, or I'll be locked away for life! Even my good lawyer friend couldn't get me out of that mess.

I therefore have to disagree with the notion that spankos always see spanking as sex. As a spanko myself (and I have proven I have the credentials to call myself that), I feel that there are times when spankings are not about sex at all.

Sometimes spanking is about clean fun: My sister and I have engaged in spanking games with friends at parties (Spank Me Trivial Pursuit). And I can assure you that there is no iota of sexual feelings between the two of us.

Sometimes spanking is about discipline: Whether between an adult couple or between an adult and a child, these situations are not sexually charged.

Sometimes spanking is about education: Like when my friends gave the demonstration of paddling techniques. The demonstration was interesting, but it wasn't sexual at all from my perspective.

Sometimes spanking is about making money: The folks who make spanking videos professionally often talk about how tedious their work can become. Sometimes spanking even causes misunderstandings and hurt feelings, and there is nothing sexy about that!

I once had a lesbian activist tell me that all sex between men and women (consensual or otherwise) was rape. To her perspective all sexually active men were rapists. Nuts, right? Likewise, I once dated a man who was punished as a child for telling a lie - even though he didn't know he was incorrect when he spoke. You see, to his fundamentalist father, all lies were sins and therefore had to be punished. Crazy logic, eh?

And the notion that all spanking is sex is equally as asinine. Does that mean that if I swat my daughter's behind that I am a pedophile? There are those out there who would say yes - and I believe they reveal much more about themselves in such assertions than they might want us to know. I have recently disagreed with the statement made by an anonymous poster that all spanking is sex to a spanko. As I a spanko, I don't feel that all spanking is sex so my very existence nullifies the argument. Unqualified statements are tricky things anyway, and sexuality is far too diverse for such black-and-white statements in my opinion.

However, the anonymous poster does bring up a good question that begs for an answer: Spankings involve discomfort and pain, so if they aren't sex then why is it that we are so intrigued by them?

This is actually a very easy question to answer - the reason I am so into spanking is because it is extraordinarily sexy and erotic to me. To me, as a spanko, spanking is the sexiest thing there is! But is it always sexy? Heck no! Though spanking is the fastest way to get me in the mood, there are some types of spankings that are big turn-offs for me:

I don't like to see pictures (photos or artwork) where children are depicted in spanking situations. That makes me ill and I can't be turned-on when I'm ill.

I also don't like to see pictures where men are receiving spankings. It isn't my thing and it's a big turn-off for me too. Spanking that is too wimpy and light is another thing that I find turns me off. So, not all spanking is sexy to me.

Again, I won't dispute that for me (indeed probably for all spankos) there is a connection between spanking and sex that is undeniable. I certainly am not here to deny it - I thrive on it! My big dispute is with the unqualified statement that spanking is always sex to a spanko, because it just isn't.

Since it is no fun to discuss the ameliorating effect of limiting adjectives can have on general statements, I will throw a little something else into the mix... maybe some of you can relate to this?

Though I will not agree that all spanking is sex, I will say that to me all sex is ultimately about spanking. What I mean by that is that I have never had a single sexual experience in my life that didn't involve spanking to some extent. My very first orgasm (before I even knew what an orgasm was) was achieved while fantasizing about being paddled by my sixth grade teacher. And ever since then, my orgasms have been achieved in whole or in part by spanking fantasies and spanking play.

Of course I am not saying that this is the case for anyone other than me. I imagine that the vast vanilla majority have no use for spanking in their sex lives. To sum up for those who are now so confused that they pray for a quick end:

All spanking is sex - false (even for some of us hardcore spankos) All sex is spanking - false (for most people), true (for Invidia)

http://www.collarpurple.com/