Age Play: The Truths and The Myths

A Presentation by missyinchains © April 2002

Introduction

Hi my name is Melissa but I am better known as missy. My talk today is titled Age play: The Truths and The Myths. In choosing that title, I know I am kind of misleading you, since basically I am only going to discuss one myth and I recognize that what is truth for one is not necessarily the same as the truth for another.

I don't pretend to know everything there is about age play nor do I even view myself as an expert. Having said that, I have been involved with all aspects of age play since the early 1980's and today I would like to share my thoughts and opinions with you. I leave it up to you to decide what is true for you and hopefully I can dispel some of your own myths.

Myths
So let's start with a brief discussion of what is a myth. For this discussion, I will define a myth as "any unscientific account, theory or belief" (source: Webster's New World Dictionary). You have all probably heard a few of these in your own time such as:

• All gay males are effeminate
• All Cross-Dressers are gay
• The BDSM lifestyle is just about pain

I certainly don't know where these originate, but in general, they seem to be believed by a lot of people. What I do know is that these beliefs are not based on fact, or any scientific account. They are usually based on unrepresentative samples or stereotypes and are espoused by so-called experts who have enough credibility with the general public to be believed.

Thankfully the Jerry Springer's of the world are becoming more of a comedy act than truth sayers. However that doesn't mean that we are out of the woods or free and clear. There are still certain professionals out there that think they know better than anyone else even though their opinions are for the most part based solely on their clientele.

The Biggest Age Play Myth

So having ranted on that, what's the biggest age play myth?

It is that age play involves real children and/or age players have latent pedophilia tendencies.

This statement is completely untrue. Pedophilia is when an adult prefers choosing an ACTUAL child for a sexual partner. Certainly, as in all communities, be them the BDSM, the local church, school, police, government, etc part of communities, there likely is a percentage of age players that are pedophiles.

To deny that would be complete silliness, however, age players are usually strong and out spoken advocates against child abuse of any form not just sexual but mental and emotional abuse too. There is absolutely no tolerance for pedophiles in the age play community as in a similar vain there is no tolerance for abuse in the BDSM community.

Don't mistake an age players interest in child like things, games, clothes, shoes, coloring, etc for interest in real children. We don't involve real children, just emulate them for reasons that I hope will become clearer later in this discussion.

What is Age play?

So what is age play? The answer to that is as diverse as you would get if you asked different lifestylers what is BDSM. It depends on who you talk to what answer you will get.

So I am going to take a simplistic position and just say age play, is where one party plays at being an age usually 18 or under.

The Age play Players

There are basically two types of age players: those that like to play in a child role (child for short) and those that like to portray an adult authority figure (adult for short).

The adult authority figure can be one of many. Some common ones are Mommy, Daddy, Aunt, Uncle, Teacher, Nanny, Principal, Coach, Nurse, Doctor, etc. The key is that it must be an adult role, where there is some inherent control over the child.

Sometimes, but rarely, you will get two children age playing together, where there is an implied sense of control but control really doesn't exist. Older brother and older sister are two such roles. The older sibling does not really have control over their younger brother or sister but just by the nature of the relationship there is some sense of control. It maybe just that the younger sibling looks up to their older brother/sister and naturally follows "orders" or it could just be a bratty older sibling trying to take control.

The child role can be divided into many categories but I am going to keep it simple. So for simplicity sake, I will divide it into 3 groups: baby/toddler, preteens and teenager roles.

baby/toddler

• This group is commonly known as Adult Babies (A/B). The fetish is known as Paraphilic Infantilism or simply Infantilism. Those that play the adult role are commonly known as Diaper Lovers (D/L). The term D/L is also used for anyone that is supportive of the A/B group but may not participate in this type of age play.
• Thanks to the efforts of various individuals and groups, notably:

  • Tommy of Diaper Pail Fraternity (DPF)
  • Baby Mikey of Big Baby World (BBW)
  • Mommy Carolyn of Carolyn's Kids

    Those interested in infantilism were able to come out of the closet and share their interests, opinions and concerns with others. The internet has helped tremendously in bringing A/B's out of the closet and there is literally hundreds of A/B related sites now. There are variety of personal, story and chat sites as well as clubs and suppliers of A/B clothes and products. Many an adult product supplier has jumped on the band wagon and now offer an A/B line.

• It appears that there is a much higher percentage of male A/B's then females. One estimate I read said that 99% of A/B's were male. Personally I think this is a little high but to say that there are few female A/B's is a truism.
• This is likely the only age play group where one can go pretty much 24/7. With the latest products, one can pretty much wear a diaper all the time. The excuse of incontinence is always available if you get caught.
• Because of the intimate contact and/or focus on the use of diapers, there appears to be a significant level of sexual/erotic touching for most A/B's and/or masturbation amongst the males.

preteen

• Commonly known as the little boy or little girl group in age play. ? The mindset seems to be one of a prepubescent child, who has to varying degrees has gone beyond the baby/toddler stage. That's not to say that there cannot be a level of regression or being "babyish" at times.
• For those that play at the younger ages in this group, there can be a degree of diaper play too. Usually the "scene" starts with the little boy/girl having an accident necessitating the decision to put him/her back into diapers until he/she can learn to control the bodily functions.
• In this group, there appears to be a much higher percentage of females then males.
• By the nature of the age of the child, there tends to be little or no sexual/erotic play. This is not to say that age play, for some, is not a form of sexual foreplay. Those that I have heard that use age play as sexual foreplay also say that when it comes to more intimate sexual acts, they revert back to adult mode.

teen

• All children have a health curiosity about sex and much to their parents dismay often engage in activities of exploration of self or others. With the teen years comes puberty and the age of sexuality. This is a vibrant time, sexual exploration takes on a new meaning based on hormones and the inherent desire for procreation.
• Therefore age play in this category takes on a more sexual overtone no matter what the scene maybe.
• In this group, there appears to be a much higher percentage of females then males.

So what is the attraction to Age play?

I certainly don't pretend to be an expert on the psychology or the whys of age play. I can just tell you my feelings, reflect what others have told me and reiterate what I have read.

One of the reasons that seems to transcend all groups and both adults and child, is the need for a close, loving and caring relationship. The need to go back and experience the "perfect" childhood or parenting role. For many, this entails a cathartic (purifying the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions) effect. The idea is to heal the emotional/mental scars from past r/l incestuous/abusive relationships through role play not to reinforce the bad times.

Many of us had a less then perfect childhood. For some that was because of abuse (physical, emotional, mental) and for others, because of circumstances they had to grown up too quickly and never really had a childhood.

Whatever the reason there seems to be a driving need to seek out and capture the perfect childhood, which was denied to them as children, through age play.

It is a time of unconditional love and acceptance, with a sense of safety yet the thrill of vulnerability.

In the adult role, it appears to be the need to have the perfect parenting or other role that was not available for a number of reasons. Perhaps, through divorce or other reasons there wasn't the opportunity to be the "perfect" parent. Maybe the adult age player wished to be a teacher and was denied that opportunity through poor grades or lack of money.

As with the child, the adult often desires a loving and caring relationship along with a sense of control.

For some, age play is a fetish or the sexual attraction to an object or activity. Objects could be diapers, school girl clothes, cheerleader outfits, etc. and the activity is definitely age play in this case. This applies to both adults and children.

Humiliation is the motivation for some. Being reduced to a big baby, a little boy or girl (includes both males and females) or a "sissy". On the adult side, some age players enjoy being in a controlling position and humiliating their charges.

Others report that it is acting out a fantasy.

Is it Play?

To me there are two types of child age players, those that role play and those that "become", with the latter using some form of self regression techniques.

Age players that have a sense of being can come from any group A/B's, preteens, teens. Here the age player has the "raw" inner child out in full and is very vulnerable. The adult figure here must be very careful that he/she does not cross the line and bring back bad memories from the child's past.

What Do Age Players Do?

There appears to be a few commonalities to all groups. Those being dressing and acting appropriately for the age the age being portrayed, in the use of props and toys and finally in defining play.

I am not going to go into any great detail here as this is well summarized in the website "Little Girl Lost"

While this is a website for little girls I don't think it would take much to associate it to the "little boy".

Is Age play Part of the BDSM World?

I would have to say yes and no.

In my opinion, to say that age play must involve a D/s relationship is a mistake. Age play does not necessarily involve another person nor does there have to be a D/s relationship. I know of several age players that will play on their own and/or with other age players but don't have a D/s relationship with anyone. They have no intention of ever getting involved in a D/s relationship, they are happy just playing alone or with their peers.

Having said that, for many, a D/s relationship which includes an adult authority figure, is a must, an integral part of the play. These types of relationships, like those with a Dominant/submissive, involve a power exchange based on safe, sane and consensual play between two adults. Trust, respect and open and honest communication is as important here as it is in any BDSM relationship.

The control here is much different than that with the traditional D/s relationship. It is designed to emulate the control a parent, coach, teacher, etc. would have over a child. There appears to be little sense of serving Master/Mistress or in this case Daddy/Mommy, etc. The focus seems to be more on the child and the activities of the child. The adult role sets and enforces the rules and may even define the activities. The amount of control over activities appears to be dependant on the "scene". For example, a teacher is more likely going to control a higher percentage of the activities then say a parent.

Corporal punishment is quite frequently used in age play. Spankings and the strap/belt/paddle tend to be the most common ones. Other punishments such as standing in the corner, being sent to your room, denial of activities, etc. also tend to be fairly common. The intent is to fit the punishment to the age that the child portrays.

Conclusion

Age play has nothing to do with real children, but it has everything to do with being childlike. As adults, we all have a component or part of our personality that is labeled the inner child. At an early age we are taught to bury this inner child deep within us. How many have been told to "grow up".

By caging the inner child we ignore all the past hurts of childhood and more often than not the ability to just relax and have some fun. Someone that you might describe as being too serious, usually is not in touch with their inner child at all, whereas, those that are fun to be with are usually in touch with their inner child whether they know it or not.

Age play is one way to get in touch with one's inner child, to deal with past hurts and to just let go in a controlled environment where the inner child is safe to play, to love, to feel secure. Age play is a healthy activity and shouldn't be viewed as sick or perverted, this is about the inner child not real children.

I will conclude by quoting some statements by Robert Burney http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/Sitemap.htm

• By owning all the parts we can then have choices about how we respond to life. By denying, hiding, and suppressing parts of ourselves we doom ourselves to live life in reaction.
• In order to start being in the moment in a healthy, age-appropriate way it is necessary to heal our "inner child." The inner child we need to heal is actually our "inner children" who have been running our lives because we have been unconsciously reacting to life out of the emotional wounds and attitudes, the old tapes, of our childhoods."
• The integration process involves consciously cultivating a healthy, Loving relationship with all of my inner children so that I can Love them, validate their feelings, and assure them that everything is different now and everything is going to be all right. When the feelings from the child come over me it feels like my whole being, like my absolute reality - it isn't, it is just a small part of me reacting out of the wounds from the past. I know that now because of my recovery, and I can lovingly parent and set boundaries for those inner children so they are not dictating how I live my life. By owning and honoring all of the parts of me I now have a chance to have some balance and union within.