Under 25 Pages - BDSM info for young adults

(Part II of II)

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What is all this?

So what exactly are we talking about here? Erotic power exchange has many faces, and just about as many names as well. SM, S&M, BDSM, SMBD, sadomasochism, algolagnia, bondage, you name it. So what is what? Well, first of all we try to avoid any reference to the terms sadism and masochism. Why? Because it makes things too complicated. These terms where invented over a 100 years ago by the Austrian psychiatrist R. Krafft-Ebing. He tried to describe two forms of mental distortion: the excessive and compulsive need for violence and cruelty (sadism) and the excessive and compulsive need to be victimized (masochism). Ever since, people who are into erotic power exchange have been stigmatized as dangerous, potential rapists, cruel torturers, insane sadists, sad victims or whatever. That does not exactly help. And that's what's created all sorts of prejudiced, ignorant and discriminative opinions and legislation that's still around in many areas of the world.

People have tried to get around these stereotypes by trying to use other names, like BDSM, algolagnia, etc. They all only describe forms, like bondage, domination, erotic lust for pain, etcetera, but they don't cover the whole thing. That's why we call it erotic power exchange, because that's exactly what we're talking about here. If all these terms confuse you, check out our Insider Lingo page and the other pages in the Glossary section and in the Professional References in the Power Exchange Section.

The basis of erotic power exchange is simple: there are two roles. One is dominant, one is submissive. One (the submissive) temporarily or sometimes entirely hands over the power to the other (the dominant). How much power, what power, in what situation, and where does it end? Well these are all things you decide for yourself. There are no general rules in the erotic power exchange game, except maybe for the following:

everything should be totally voluntary to both partners;
whatever you do should be safe to both partners;
whatever you do should be sane to both partners;
everything should be based on informed consensual decisions by both partners, in other words you need to make careful decisions and you need to know what it is you're making decisions about.

This is sometimes described as the VICSS concept. Since erotic power exchange is entirely about what happens between you and your partner, there are no other standard operational procedures. Simply because you don't want others to decide what's good for you. One thing however is perfectly clear. If any or all of the four VICSS elements is not there, it's not erotic power exchange, but most likely abuse.

Sex game or serious stuff?

Next question. Is this a sex game or what? The answer is: that varies from person to person. Some will see it as a kinky sex game; to most people however, it's a lot more than "just" a sex game. Erotic power exchange emotions are usually very deep and intense. To many people they have a (strong) influence on their total relationship and sometimes even on their social behavior. That's why it's usually described as a lifestyle, although there are people who are just in it for the kick and consider it to be an alternative to other forms of sexual games. There's nothing wrong with either opinion. Since there are no standard rules, there are hardly any rights and wrongs either.

Many people combine erotic power exchange emotions with fetishes. What's a fetish? Well, since we're *not* dealings with this clinically, for our purposes it's any object, material or action that turns you on. To many in the erotic power exchange lifestyle that may be things like leather or rubber clothing, boots, high heels, corsets and - most importantly - the attributes used: whips, cuffs, chains, collars, leashes, canes, rope, crosses, racks, dungeons or whatever. These don't have only a functional value, they first of all have a symbolic (fetish) function. They're power symbols and a turn-on by themselves. Other elements, such as uncertainty, atmosphere and sometimes slight fear, may be just as important.

Am I insane, out off my mind, totally nuts or just plain crazy?

Most people - in fact well over 50 percent of those into erotic power exchange - first discovered these emotions at a very young age: before 18 and most of them before the age of 12. Possibly even as young as 6 or 7. That's a problem. Because how are you going to tell somebody you like to be tied up when you are ten years old? Or even when you are 17, or 23? The main difficulty here is that sexual education in all countries lacks information in these areas. If alternative forms of eroticism are mentioned at all (usually they are not) they'll usually be described as distortions, which only makes the problem even more difficult.

So what happens is that most people think they're the only ones in the world having this fascination (which is usually stamped as "wrong" by the general opinion). They think they're nuts, don't dare to talk about it and are very afraid they may turn into evil creatures and possible serial killers or rapists. Mind you, such fears are very, very real to many people and may occur at a very young age. Boys are told you're not supposed to hit other people in general and girls in particular. Girls are taught to be independent, self-confident and strong. So how does this match with this strange and scary desire that makes you either wet or get a hard-on and haunt you in your dreams? And worse: information on the subject is hard to find. You can't go to the library and even on the Internet you need to know what this is called first, before you find information and find out there are (lots of) others interested in all this as well.

So now that you've found us, let's help you a bit:

Fantasies about tying up women or girls, spanking, being the sheik in a harem, being a slave, being raped, being abducted and forced to do all sorts of things, being turned on by the girls who are tortured in a James Bond movie and whatever else you can think of are perfectly normal. In fact almost everybody - even the ones who don't develop power exchange emotions - will have these type of secret fantasies, especially at the time they're developing their general sexual emotions. Let's make this a bit more explicit. Why do you think there are so many movies where women are tied up, helpless, tortured and eventually rescued? Because that's a major turn for most people (even the ones who'll tell you erotic power exchange is wrong). And because it's a major turn on for most people, it sells movies. That's why.
Some 30 percent of the adult American heterosexual couples have thought about introducing bondage to their lovemaking and the general estimate is that some 15 percent of the adult hetero sexual population actively incorporates some form of erotic power exchange in their lovemaking, even though some may not even have identified this as such.
The power element is in EVERY relationship. The classic "missionary" love making position - man on top, woman under - is a position that communicates power. And much of what is communicated as family values - such as the woman belonging at home to take care of the children and support her husband - are power statements (as much as those communicating these values will hate to admit that). There's a power exchange in every relationship between people. Those who are into erotic power exchange have done nothing else but identify that element, magnify it and play with it. That's all there is to it.

What am I doing here, tying myself to the bedpost?

Experiments are also perfectly normal. Each and every one of us has experimented with sexual acts, ideas and emotions at some stage. To people with erotic power exchange emotions this means they have tied themselves up, maybe cross-dressed, made up punishments and rules to live by or whatever. In many cases people have experimented with both roles: playing both dominant and submissive. In other words inventing the punishment and carrying it out as well as being the one punished at the same time. Some people do this for a long time and sometimes will not share their emotions with somebody else but will just play with themselves. This is called auto-SM. Again, there is nothing wrong with that. Totally up to you.

Others do not actively experiment but only fantasize. Quite often during masturbation or while reading a book by completing and expanding the story for themselves. Some do not even do that, but just have an unidentified feeling. And a lot of people "invent" all sorts of instruments. In fact, almost everyone who is actively into erotic power exchange has made a lot of "discoveries" him or herself. Such as the use of clothes pins as nipple clamps.

Especially when you're young, you'll probably have no idea what role appeals to you most. Probably you don't even have a clear vision of the different roles yet and the entire thing appeals to you somehow. That again is normal. Hardly anybody is 100 percent dominant or submissive. The best way to look at it is in the form of a scale. You are either somewhat, mainly, very or predominantly dominant or submissive and some people are both. These are called switches. It's also very natural to move from one end of the scale to the other over time - in other words go from dom to sub or vice versa. That depends on many factors and (again) is different for everyone.

Coming out of the closet

Talking about it - "coming out" in technical terms - is the first and probably most difficult problem you're confronted with, once you 've identified these erotic power exchange emotions. However, there's a step before that: accepting yourself as you are, including these emotions. These two things don't come one after the other. They're sort of intertwined. Talking to others helps you identify, helps you find out you're not alone and makes it easier for you to identify what exactly your emotions are. On the other hand, if everything is new, you feel uncertain and since in several countries the things you're fantasizing about may very well be illegal, you may have some extra handicaps.

Still, no matter how difficult, reading and talking about it is the best thing to do. The Internet has made things easier, since you can now e-mail, join and read news groups and find information like this. There are books and MTV, punk, the Madonna book, Billy Idol and house music and parties - all have made fetishism more generally accepted. Whatever you do, don't hide it and try to find it out all on your own. That'll only make things more difficult - not only now but possibly in the future as well. So, who do you talk to?

If you have a girl or boyfriend or partner, try talking to each other. Eventually this will all come out anyway.
If your parents or a close friend are open enough about sexuality, talking to them will probably help.
If everything else fails, there are kink-friendly therapists and other professionals you can talk to (check out the Kink Aware Professionals website).
Another good idea is to make contact with a local support group

Some other useful basic info right here...

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