Too Much Is Not Enough

Overcoming Boundaries and Stretching Limits

By: Norische

Every time I hear someone say they have "No Limits" two things come to mind, either the individual has had limited experience, or they have a death wish.

Everyone has limits, whether or not they realize it is the better question. No Limits means you are willing to do anything. Now there are a lot of people out there that have very few limits but I have never honestly met anyone that has no limits.

There are three limits that are considered common, No Children, No Animals, No Dead People. If a person does not have these limits then I would question if they understand the concept of consent. Including a child in adult activities is not only illegal, and I personally feel immoral; a child cannot give informed consent. An animal although normally more than willing to please, cannot give consent. Also it should be obvious... if a person is dead they cannot give consent. It may be that these are the only limits that an individual has, but they are still limits.

There are two types of limits, hard limits, and soft limits.

A hard limit is an action or activity that you will not do under any circumstance. This is normally based on fear, or moral issues. Anytime someone has a phobia it should be considered a hard limit, if someone has a phobia of fire then fire play, maybe even candles in wax play should be viewed as a hard limit. If someone is of a religious conviction that views homosexuality as immoral then this should be viewed as a hard limit. A Dominant should always respect a sub's/slave's hard limits, these are not to be tested or explored. Now if someone has fifty different hard limits then perhaps the Dom and sub/slave need to sit down and discuss what each person's definition of a hard limit is. Sometimes a person will decide that something is a hard limit even if they have never tried the activity, just because they don't think they would enjoy it, this is not why something becomes a hard limit. Hard limits are formed by experience not by ignorance.

A soft limit is an action or activity that you do not wish to do but are willing to explore under the right circumstances, with the right individual. This is where you place activities that you have yet to try but honestly don't sound interesting, or appealing to you. Like for example fisting, you may or may not have tried it but you don't think you would enjoy it, and you are afraid of the possibility of injury. This is a soft limit, with the right person, under the right circumstances, and of course if they had a small enough hand... you might be willing to try fisting. Soft limits are meant to be explored, tried and stretched. When the trust between a Dom and sub/slave has formed then soft limits are an area that can be used to expand the trust, and explore the boundaries. Exploration must be done slowly and with respect, at all times. A Dom must remember that the sub/slave has listed the activity as a limit for a reason, and work with the sub/slave to overcome fears, and expand knowledge.

The first step to exploring limits should be education. There are many forms of education available so no one should enter into an experience blindly.

Explore the subject on the Internet, or through reading books.
Ask other individuals within the lifestyle about their knowledge on the subject.
Ask to see a demonstration of someone participating in the activity.
Question your partner on his or her knowledge about the activity.
Post questions on BDSM groups, and ask if anyone knows of a good source for more information.

These are only a few ways to explore a subject without actually participating in the activity your self. Another suggestion is to take an active part in a scene involving the activity, learn the safety issues and explore a little while someone is present, so that incase you get into an area you are unsure of there is someone with experience that can help out and guide you through the rough spots.

Most people set something as a limit out of fear and ignorance. The ignorance is easy to deal with, simply educate and allow them to experience first hand what they are uncertain of. The fear is usually cause by bad experiences in the past, this is a little harder to deal with. If someone has had a really bad experience with wax play and ended up with a horrible scar, they will naturally not wish to repeat the experience. Here is an example of how I would handle such a fear.

Step one: Have the sub/slave describe why they have set that wax play as a limit.
Step two: Have him/her write out their worst experience with wax play.
Step three: Have him/her research wax play, and write a report on the proper way to do it.
Step four: Have him/her go through the writing about their original experience and describe what that individual did incorrectly and what should have been done.
Step five: Take him/her to a group get together where he/she can see wax play being demonstrated.
Step six: Encourage him/her to ask others at the meeting questions about what techniques they use and what safety issues they observe.
Step seven: Have the slave/sub ask the "victim" that had participated in the scene what it felt like, was he or she afraid, and has he or she ever been hurt. Encourage him/her to discuss their past experience and talk about his/her fears.
Step eight: Have the sub/slave politely ask the Dominant who had done the demo or scene if he/she would do a small example of wax play on him/her. Stay close by incase his/her fear is too great and they panic or need you. This is also the perfect time to learn a little more yourself, encourage your slave/sub but keep a close eye on them, do not allow things to go too far. Remember you are trying to get them to over come their fear not to create new fear.
Step nine: Give the slave/sub several days to think about the experience. Have him/her write a down how they felt about the scene, their experience and another thing you might include is to have them write down what they would have wanted done differently.
Step ten: Talk to your sub/slave, encourage them to express their fears and doubts; remember that their fear is very real to them and under no circumstance should it be taken lightly.
Step eleven: When you are sure that your slave/sub is ready to try wax play, start out slow. Use baby steps, start with the mildest form, in this case it would be paraffin. Have him/her dip their hand in a paraffin spa, and get used to the heat. Then have him/her drizzle wax on themselves for a few minutes, this will allow them to get used to the feel of the wax while still remaining in complete control.
Step twelve: Now you have them completely prepared, use the same exact paraffin they used on themselves and start the scene by touching, comforting him/her the entire time. Slowly drip paraffin on his/her shoulders, make sure to pay close attention to his/her reaction. Observe their body language, talk to him/her ask them how he/she is doing, what their thinking. Make sure you limit the exposure to just a few minutes.
Step thirteen: Have your slave/sub write about the experience; against have them write what they would have done differently, and how they feel about trying to go further.
Step fourteen: Try a full blown scene with some wax play involved, do not make it the focal point of the scene but do include it to some degree.
Step fifteen: Do a scene focused on wax play.
Step sixteen: Have the sub/slave write a report about their whole experience, with wax play from beginning to end.

I know there are several steps listed here, but I prefer to do things one-step at a time. This way I can be sure that the fear is truly gone and not just masked to make me happy or to do what I want. I have explained my method of desensitization to others in the past and they have asked some questions I would like to share with you.

Q: Is all the writing truly necessary?

A: Yes, when you write about something you have to really think about it, you have to make conscious decisions and you are forced to remember things that you may not remember if you just talk about it. Also writing it down gives you something you can go back and look at later and it will help you understand the journey you have taken.

Q: Can this method work on anything?

A: It can work on a wide variety of things, like single tails, knives, violet wands, cbt and many other things. Since I haven't had the opportunity to try this on all fears I honestly cannot say that yes it would work on every thing, what I can say is that I have yet to find something that it does not work on.

Q: Will this method work on phobias?

A: This method is very similar to what psychiatrists use to desensitize an individual with a phobia. But this may be something better left to the professionals. Fear comes in all degrees, anytime a fear can be debilitating it is labeled a phobia.

Trying to desensitize someone that has a phobia without the proper educational background may end up doing more harm than good.

Remember fear is a very real thing, and you are trying to help someone over come fear, not add to the fear that they already have.

Educate, explore and enjoy.

As with all things this is just my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is Norisch1@mchsi.com