The Road to Stages of development to the BDSM Lifestyle

Factual information and a 'case history'.

Also suggestions for "coming out" to your vanilla partner.

By J, a Switch

Are you BDSM "curious"? ...A "newbie"? ...Or an experienced player? No matter where you fit onto the curve now, we all traveled the same path. Some of us took longer than others. Some skipped or combined steps, but we went through the same stages of development on the road to the magic kingdom of power exchange known here as BDSM.

Awakening or discovery, and Fear
Some of us feel that we’ve had a lifelong interest in BDSM and can trace our earliest BDSM thoughts back as far as early childhood, while others came to it much later in life.

For myself, I can remember having these 'feelings' as early as three. My early explorations began when I found it was pleasurable to pinch certain parts of my body before going to sleep. As a growing child, the games that most interested me were ones that involved 'kidnapping' or capture, and either tying someone else up, or being tied to a tree in the backyard! Perhaps a sign of the Switch I was to become!

For many who come to it later in life, it’s often after a life changing event, such as a divorce, or being on their own for the first time, whether it’s in college or other circumstances. They may take a good look at themselves, and address their sexuality, perhaps for the first time. I feel that this self-assessment, whether it’s consciously sought or occurs as part of the natural growth and development process, is a requirement to proceed and have a successful, satisfying BDSM relationship in the future. I am acquainted with some men and women, who haven’t done this, and it shows in their play, their relationships and in how they are viewed by their peers.

Growing up in the Eisenhower years, my life was very different than it is today. Then my role models were Ozzie and Harriet, and other TV couples, who slept in separate beds, never had any real problems, and never, ever discussed or had sex. (I love Lucy must have had an immaculate conception!) In my culture, anything related to sexuality fell under the heading of "impure thoughts" - something to be confessed in Church - not discussed or understood! It was not until after my divorce, when I started reading self-help books and tried various therapies, that I actually found out what I was about, and became not only self aware, but understood and came to terms with my own sexuality. Some people catch on early, some of us - better late than never!

When we do become aware of our interest in BDSM, often our first reaction is fear and loathing. Not everyone feels this way. Maybe you did some "kinky sex" with a vanilla partner, and you discovered how much you loved it. A lot depends on our personal makeup.

For many of us, we may wonder why we are having such ‘sick’ thoughts. We might even be afraid there is something seriously wrong with us: Are we crazy? Are we perverts? How did that happen? Are we the only ones who think and feel this way?

I ‘knew’ I was ‘sick’ when studying the Lives of the Saints, in parochial school. I focused on the stories that involved those who were 'tortured for the Faith'. They stirred some frightening, yet exciting, - and I sensed forbidden, feelings - that I didn’t understand, but couldn’t resist either!

We fear that we alone have these feelings. We know that they are taboo. They are not socially acceptable. Our backgrounds, cultural and religious, the influence of family and friends, worries about our reputations, may keep us ‘in line’, and we may try to suppress these thoughts and feelings. However, they will eventually come back up to the surface. Only when we stop and deal with them, realize that they are actually positive because they come from within ourselves and are not some pathology, can we move on.

You are not alone, by any means. Approximately 15% of the population, feels just as you do.

I kept a tight rein upon myself in all my early relationships, and even with friends. I was afraid to date in high school, sure that the ‘real me’, would pop out and then everybody would know! I kept my head down in college, and then married the first guy I dated right after. I foolishly thought that once I safely married, my ‘secret’ would cease bothering me. It didn't! And I kept my more extreme fantasies secret. In the ‘70’s, we dabbled in a little ‘kink’, but he really didn’t care much for it.

However, he did buy Penthouse!

I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it and check for stories that might relate to my ‘interest’!

One day, he bought a ‘newspaper’ because it listed XXX rated movies. There were ads for items of interest to leather folk in the back. Reading them, and thinking of the possibilities, I got wet! Also, he bought some books, among them, “The Story of O”. After reading that, I knew, once and for all, what had eluded me for years. I found out what I had been searching for and really wanted out of life!

I had thought I was alone, now I knew that wasn’t the case. But in reality, I was alone – a working suburban mom, on Long Island, married to a vanilla! Personal computers were unheard of, and ‘nice’ women wouldn’t even walk on the same side of the street where there was a ‘dirty’ bookstore, so I didn’t have any ‘resources’, either.

Unless you are very secure in yourself, you probably have gone through both of these first two stages, the discovery or awakening to BDSM, and the fear. You might be afraid of being labeled a "pervert." Well don’t be, we laughingly call each other ‘pervert’ all the time, like a badge of honor! And there are lots of us. But you wouldn’t know that yet. Most of us don’t wear Dom or sub labels on our sleeves. After all, this is sexuality we’re talking about, and it’s not usually discussed openly in polite "vanilla" company.

Another thing that may cause concern and fear is reconciling your image of yourself with the image your fantasies conjure up.

Can you dream of being submissive and still be a feminist?

Actually, you can! Most of the women friends I have in the Lifestyle are very much their own person. This includes submissives, and women who refer to themselves as ‘slaves’. They have a reality-based image of themselves and their place in the world. You need to be a well-centered and responsible person before you play. If you are not, how can you expect to have a healthy relationship with your Dom? Seeking a Dom/Domme to provide what’s missing in your life or personality is a cheat. You cheat him/her because you are not bringing a whole person to the relationship. You cheat yourself, because you then lay yourself open to an abusive situation. It’s not just what I say, please read The Empowered Submissive by leslie, a 24/7 submissive, for her informative and thought provoking essay.

How about those of you who are leaning toward topping or dominance?
Does it scare you that you want to whip somebody or do worse, maybe drip candle wax on their genitals, or put them in a cage? Does the thought of having a submissive or slave, scare and excite you at the same time?

Dom/top or sub/bottom, are you afraid that your fantasies are too intense?
Most of us went through that also. We learn to temper our more extreme fantasies/wants if they are too scary for us. We are self aware enough not to get in over our heads. On the other hand, you may be someone’s dream come true!

I remember the first time I spanked my partner. It took three tries, before I connected with his skin on the fourth swing! One Dom I know (a very gentle man) initially spent a week deep in contemplation to "psyche himself up" before he could strike a woman in a scene, but now he leaves nasty bruises, if that’s what pleases his bottom.

Seeking information

When you finally come to grips with the fact that you do have an interest in BDSM, you can either decide not to pursue it, or try and find out more.

There are several points along the way where you may pause, while you decide whether to continue or not. This is the first crossroad. Other times may be after you have gained some information, perhaps ‘tried out’ a few things, but they didn’t jibe with your expectations, or your fears were too great - and then you decide you will have to be satisfied with keeping your fantasies private and not act on them. Sometimes, disappointment in an early BDSM relationship can keep you from going forward.

The next logical step is gathering information. Fortunately, there are plenty of sources today: Books, videos, and of course, the Internet, offer whatever you may need or desire. Most early exploration is geared to fantasies. We look for whatever stimulates us first, and then as we become more interested, the search for factual information begins.

I think it’s important to note, that except for a lucky few, at first most people don’t know where they fit into the scheme of things and are mainly attracted to the ‘control’ aspect, later discovering and developing the roles that they will assume.

The first ‘group’ I belonged to had a practice of going around the room, with everybody introducing him or her self. "Hi, I’m Jane – a sub", "Jack. I’m a Dom." Until I figured out the "Switch" thing, I was something different each week!

Along with this searching out of facts, comes a desire to ‘try out’. If we have a partner, and they are agreeable, that’s good. If we don’t, or do not feel we are ready to share this yet, some of us will even experiment on ourselves.

I’m not going there! Some things are private!

Starting a journal would be helpful now. Record your thoughts and feelings, likes and dislikes, as you begin to experiment. Don't become concerned with spelling and grammar, just get it down. Use this as a guide when you first do a partner checklist, and as a way to gauge your progress.

Please use caution where you keep this journal. If it's on your PC, put it in a password-protected file, or on a separate disc and keep it under lock and key. Ditto if you need to put pen to paper. Bad enough if someone your are not about to share this with reads it, worse if you have children. Keep your books, journals, and toys safely away from prying eyes.

I always knew where my dad kept his 'secret stuff'. He always thought it was my brothers who were reading his porn magazines.

Coming out to your partner

I’m going to digress here for a bit, since this is not a ‘stage’ per se, but something that will come up in time, if you have a vanilla partner.

You may want your partner to share your enthusiasm and your interest.

Often, before you are ready to do so, there’s a period of uncertainty, fear and loneliness. This is perfectly normal. But if you have a relationship based on respect and trust, there shouldn’t be a problem with discussing your thoughts, feelings and needs.

Discussion is not agreement, and your partner should hear you out, whether or not they are interested. If you feel however, that you don’t have the level of trust and mutual respect required, you probably should re-think your relationship, whether or not you decide to pursue your interest in BDSM.

Let’s talk about ‘coming out’ to your partner. Yes, you’re as excited as a kid with a new toy! At the same time, you may be feeling vulnerable, uncertain about the response you’ll get, and not a little afraid of rejection. When you decide to share, please don’t overdo it!

Some suggestions:

Be prepared. Have some factual information available. The Leather and Roses website has an excellent FAQ’s section. Download a few, so he/she has something to go on besides your opinions. Get some books, such as "S/M 101", by Jay Wiseman, or "Screw The Roses", by Philip Miller and Molly Devon, These and other books are available on the Books Section.
Don’t rush them. Give them time to digest and absorb it.
Don’t make BDSM the topic of all your conversations from now on. Use a little restraint! Pun intended!
Don’t hit them with a ‘wish-list’! It may be overwhelming just to learn of your interest. Don’t expect them to immediately want to meet your needs and fantasies.
Don’t ‘let it all out’ at once. Bring it up, gauge their reaction, and then wait a bit. You can always add a little more when they are ready. Remember you didn’t get to this point in a day. So don’t expect them to, either.

You’ve ‘got’ to play, and ‘sub frenzy’

If you and your partner are already doing some ‘kink’, the crossover into BDSM play probably will not be too difficult. It requires communication and negotiation of wants and needs. If you don’t have a partner, or he/she is just not interested, by this point the urge to play becomes overwhelming, and so you reach out to others. Don’t throw yourself at the first person that comes along. Use caution. If you’ve joined a group, or a chat room, and find someone interesting, or interested in you, discretely ask the others around for references. No legitimate player, Dom or sub will object. Even more care should be taken if you’re using the personals to find someone, since it’s not likely they know anyone you know. A bad experience can cause some people to retreat, or give up altogether.

A description of ‘sub frenzy’

I’ve seen this phase characterized as ‘over prioritizing’. This means putting thoughts of play, or actually playing, - to the point that it takes priority over your life, and your other responsibilities. In my day, it was like when you got an Atari, - or Play Station for you younger folks, - or when you first got on the Internet. Many of us had an initial obsession, but realized that we needed to be responsible, or we’d lose our family, friends and possibly jobs.

The same thing happens when you first start to play. It overrides all other thoughts, becoming first an obsession, but then it can become an addiction. We call it ‘sub frenzy’ and we all went through it. Some have had more self-discipline than others.

You are responsible for yourself, at all times, and in all ways.

Don’t think you can blame it on your ‘Dom’, or a sub, who just begs to be played with! It’s your responsibility to keep your priorities in order!

Fortunately, this period of ‘sub frenzy’ usually lasts six months or less. If it goes on beyond that, if you are not functioning at your ‘normal’ capacity at home, or at work, you are skating on thin ice, and may need to seek professional help if you can’t control it. See Kink Aware Professionals.

For a medical opinion, let’s look at what the DSM-IV, which is the book that doctors use to determine mental illness, says:
American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition.
These criteria are listed in the Paraphilia section, pg. 525.

Diagnostic criteria for 302.83 Sexual Masochism:
A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving the act (real, not simulated) of being humiliated, beaten, bound or otherwise made to suffer.
B. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

When I first started playing, I was between jobs. My playmate had a home business. It was a slow time for him. We played 4-5 times a week, sometimes all night. This went on for weeks and weeks, until we realized we were burning the candle at both ends. We agreed to limit our play to weekends, with an occasional ‘quickie’ after our Tuesday meetings!

Besides an interest in play, you may also want to have contact with others with whom you can have some comradeship. It is such a relief to be among others with the same interest, and not have to watch what you say! So, perhaps you'll join a group and have a place to meet others, share, learn, and ask advice. Everybody comes to this at his own pace.

For me, this period went on for some time. I knew there were places where play occurred, but I didn’t know there were ‘groups’. Suddenly, (and yes, it was sudden) I typed a few words onto my PC, and less than a month later, (this was over the holidays) I was at my first meeting!

I remember that first meeting very well. I was so nervous. I didn’t know what to expect, but I had read up on protocol, at least. If you don’t know, please read Protocol I was afraid they would be a bunch of - I don’t know - perverts! DUH! But they were such NICE perverts! As the meeting began, they went around the room, introducing themselves. "Hi, I’m John, a sub", "Jennifer, a Domme" and so forth. When they got to me, I looked around at all these ‘normal looking' people, - here to discuss BDSM, and flogging, and lord knew what, -- felt relieved, and blurted, "This is the H_____ Middle School PTA, isn’t it?"

Putting it all together.

By now, you’ve gotten loaded up on information, learned a few skills, and maybe played a little. You’ve absorbed a lot, and when you are ready, it’s time for shifting to the next stage, where you start becoming more confidant in your play, and begin developing your particular role, Dom, sub or Switch, rather than concentrating on particular skills or technique. You may have tried play from both the top and bottom, or you already ‘knew’ what you ‘are’. But just saying, ‘I’m a Domme’ or ‘I’m a sub’, doesn’t make you one. You are clarifying your position within yourself, and starting to understand the nuances of play, roles, and of relationships in the Lifestyle. It’s an ongoing adventure!

This, as with all the steps, can take from months to years. You can swim or tread water. Some people ‘drop out’ for a while, and return later. Some never do.

Even if you are not completely ready, you may desire and have, a relationship. It may take several partners, or if you are extremely lucky, just one, before you find the perfect one. This is a special time as you learn and grow together. Even if he/she has more experience than you, you are both growing in the new relationship as you try new things together, and share. Now you gain a greater understanding and appreciation of erotic power exchange. Power exchange, because of the intimacy of the emotions, the trust and communication required, creates an especially strong bond between you, unlike any other type of relationship.

For a couple of years, I pretty much concentrated on technique, and had a lot of fun, both as a Domme/Top and a bottom. Recently, my current 'play' partner and I have taken our relationship to a new level. He has helped me stretch my limits and experience a whole new level of play. I did not know what I was missing! Now, as his submissive, I truly understand erotic power exchange firsthand. It's beyond anything I dreamed or hoped for!

Evolving

Don’t become stagnant. There’s always something more to learn. Limits to be stretched, and changes to your play. As you get older, you will have to adjust your play when real life infirmities intrude, for example. Hopefully, you will find yourself constantly growing, evolving.

As relationships change, so do you. Each one is unique, and you learn and experiment with each new partner.

And just as someone may have helped you along the way, don’t forget to reach out and give others behind you a hand. Find a Mentor, and learn as much as you can. Then be a mentor. Even if it’s just for one skill that you’ve acquired some expertise in.

That's why I've written this essay and shared my personal story! ~ J