Safewords

What is a safeword

A submissive begging for release, whimpering, pleading. It has to be one of the most common images of the scene. But how do you tell when the submissive really wants you to stop and when "No more!" really means "Don't stop!"? That's where safewords come in.

Safewords make it safe to play with the the ideas of non-consensuality, of one partner having ultimate control, regardless of the pleas of the other. They make it safe to ignore all of those pleas that would normally lead a reasonable partner to stop immediately.

Safewords allow you to say, "ignore any of my pleas, do as you will, unless I use this/these word(s). If you hear this/these word(s), I really need you to stop.

Types of safeword

Often, more than one safeword is used. A first can mean "Let's pause things. I need to talk to you with you realising I really do mean everything I'm saying.", a second can mean "Stop! For whatever reason, I need to jump out of this quickly."

The reasons to call a hard stop can be varied. It may be simply because a Dom hasn't been listening to whatever they've been warned about with a gentler safeword. It may be that some hidden nerve has been hit and things need to stop immediately. Often, when a hidden nerve is hit, it's hard to explain at the time. Using a safeword gives the ability to safely jump out of the scene without having to explain. A hard safeword should always be respected immediately. The explanation can come later if needs be, but it should always mean the immediate end of the scene.

How many safewords you have, what they mean to you, and what they are, is entirely your choice. They are not the same from person to person and couple to couple so they should always be agreed in advance. You certainly don't want to find you need them and haven't agreed on any yet.

So, what should your safewords be?

That's largely up to you. It is generally worth picking something you won't use by mistake - "harder" would make a terrible safeword. Equally, you want something you won't forget when you really need it - remember you may not be at your most coherrant. A fairly universal set are traffic light colours: red means hard stop, orange/amber means pause and green means "OK, ready to start [again]".

Another consideration is what happens with safewords when you're unable to speak - such as when you're gagged. That doesn't mean you can't use them, you just can't use words. I've personally found that clicking fingers works wonders (so long as the submissive can do). Stamping feet, clicking fingers, whatever, there should always be some way of communicating that you need things to stop.

Not using safewords

There are some people who do not like to use safewords. They have a variety of reasons but generally seem to be based around the concept that "if you really trust someone, you can trust them to know your limits, without needing words."

It has to be noted that many of the "Dom/mes" I've seen make the claim that "I don't use safewords" are making it out of arrogance and a general lack of understanding. They seem to believe that to use them shows a weakness, a lack of skill. In reality, it just shows their arrogance. I am yet to meet a Dom who can tell every reaction, perfectly, with someone they hardly know. To make such a statement to a new or prospective partner really does strike me as a great way of saying "Hey! I don't know what I'm talking about and will probably make mistakes that'll hurt you."

There are also the couples who really do know each other, for whom knowing that a safeword can't be called adds to the excitement, the authenticity, the trust. They believe that from having spent vast amounts of time exploring everything about each other, they really can tell each other's limits.

I personally do not choose to go down this route. Human minds are unbelievably complex things. Memories, fears, nightmares, they all get locked away, hidden from view, for years. The slightest, most unexpected thing can trigger what can be an overwhelming flood. We often don't know when these things are coming and when they do, they can be so overwhelming they can't be explained at the time. I personally choose to leave a safeword in place and just try not to use it - that way, in an emergency, it is there.

Is it wrong to use a safeword?

Often, people worry that using a safeword is a sign of weakness, that to use it is to fail. I would argue that, so long as you have done your best, using it is actually a good thing - you are communicating to your partner, helping them to be better at Dominating you. Not every Dom/me has thought it through like that and so, they too, may feel that it is a weakness - they may also feel like it is a feeling on their part for not realising you were close to needing it. It is worth making sure that everyone involved understands that using them is not a weakness or a criticism, just a way of communicating and keeping things safe.

However anyone else feels, you always have the right to have safewords. If a Dom/me doesn't like using them, that's their problem. Just like asking someone to use a condom, you always have the right to be safe and to refuse that safety to someone implies a level of total uncaring arrogance that means they should be left well alone.