Into BDSM = Easy? No

by Laura Goodwin

Too many BDSM men and women seem to be totally lost about how to meet and court each other effectively. It's too easy to just fall into casual play, which works against building more solid relationships. Talk about sex and our BDSM preferences is going to come out early in relationships between BDSM people because otherwise we have no way of identifying each other, especially potential partners... but it doesn't mean, and needn't lead to, anything.

Sure, you can tumble into a playful, erotic BDSM relationship that gives you a chance to have some fun and relieve some tensions but, if you do, then it's less likely to ripen into a deeper relationship.

Intimacy is knowing each other, and that can't be faked or rushed. An IRC relationship does NOT count as KNOWING. You have to break bread together, spend time together, depend on each other, and go through time and trials together, ~in the flesh~: THAT'S KNOWING. People who know each other can be intimate, but knowing me by name and sight because you've been to my web site doesn't count. My husband knows me. My children know me. My friends know me. These are the people I'm intimate with even without sex.

Sex is a poor shortcut to intimacy. Sex is in itself not intimate. Un-intimate sex is in fact the norm. Truly caring, intimate sexual relationships are rare (frankly because they require genuine attraction, maturity, dedication, mutual good will, and some skill). Good love doesn't just happen. I wish this wasn't true.

I tell my doctor very personal things, and even occasionally grant her access to my pelvic cavity, but she doesn't then assume I'm eager to jump in the sack with her, and neither one of us thinks we are *friends*. Our relationship is not intimate, it's a business transaction: She's a healthcare professional and I'm her customer. This very personal stuff is in that context not at all personal. Talking about and even playing out BDSM my things also needn't ever be *personal*, and it won't be, unless you play your cards carefully. I'm not saying it's the way it should be, it's just the way it is.

I know it's hard to stay cool when you have been emailing each other for months and you crossed three state lines just to "have coffee" together, but see how you set yourself up? Don't do that. If you are going to cross half the country to meet a potential mate, go like an ambassador to a foreign land, not like a sailor on leave, for pity's sake. If you are just going to cut a notch on your belt, cut one at home and save yourself the airfare.

I understand how it happens. We are human beings. We crave touch and to be loved. As BDSM people we have a desperate need to have our fetish requirements catered to. It's hard for us to find someone even halfway congenial, and if you do find someone nice who is also kinky in a compatible way, it's difficult to slow your own ass down for deliberation. I'm not saying I never was hungry and never did stupid stuff because I was hungry...I have. We all have. Now it's time to show we all have learned something.

If you are looking for love don't go whole hog on the first frigging date. Don't buy expensive gifts or go renting motel rooms before you even know each other. Just don't.

This essay and all her contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 -2001