"How To...."
A Beginner's Survival Guide To SM

by Bruce Armstrong

From Issue 68 of
The Leather Journal
Page 36

Surviving the first few months after you've decided to take the plunge into the exciting, but potentially hazardous, world of SM is not an easy task. I mean, the first and most important issue you face when starting out is finding someone you trust enough to fulfill your "Latent" fantasies, and safe enough so you're not injured in the process (physically, mentally, or both). It's a daunting task, not to mention the additional problem of how to find that someone special who can teach you the pleasurable aspects of SM.

So, in the article below, you'll probably find some helpful hints to guide you safely through. I must stress that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a fountain of infinite knowledge on this subject. I do not have all the answers, know all the problems that might arise, nor am I an authority on the subject of Survival in SM - hell, I'm still Learning what my own wants, needs, and limitations are! But that said, here's my bit to set down a "basic" Survival Guide to SM.

Well, first things first. A person I've known for years said that a guy starting out should never have sex with another person he has just met on the same day, that he should get to know the other person better and establish a rapport (establish some element of trust) prior to play.

While this may be impractical, given the intensity of the "moment" and the anxiety of not experiencing what you want to experience, the above is especially important to consider in SM, because when starting out, you will almost inevitably become the bottom in a scene. The potential that you end up with something that is neither exciting nor pleasurable is high, and it has a direct correlation to how well you know that individual prior to playing. Coupled with this disheartening aspect is the prospect that the guy you could be experimenting with maybe downright dangerous, particularly if he is going to ignore your limitations or doesn't really care about you, physically, mentally, or both.

Of course, if you have to make a decision upon first meeting, as it is the only chance you'll get to play with Him, don't be afraid to ask questions about Himself, His background, experience, and expertise. Expect honest and straightforward answers. And be up front with your Limitations, so He knows what to expect - most men want to know what level of experience you're at, and whether there's something important that He should know about before going into a scene with you.

In this way, you can often size Him up to some extent. If your gut tells you "no" or "something's not right", then follow your instincts and say, "Thanks, but no thanks." When you have to take some risk in order to get the guy, make sure it's a well thought out, calculated risk to minimize potential danger. We've all heard about dead men being found nude and bound before - so make pretty sure that it's a very, very remote possibility that this is going to happen to you!

As well, when sizing Him up, understand that alcohol can be a factor in your decision, particularly if you're meeting Him in a bar or a bar setting. Lack of judgment and control can Lead to disaster in picking up the wrong man, so know your Limitations with alcohol. After all, just as drinking and driving don't mix, so too drinking and playing in a SM context don't mix. Your perceptive ability is diminished the more you drink!

Whenever possible, Let a friend know where you're going and who you're going with. It pays to be safe in that regard, since He knows that somebody out there is Looking out for you. And, if feasible, give Him a contact number should an emergency arise - you never know!

The above, of course, presumes that you have already met the guy you are interested in face to face and are in the process of sizing Him up. But where did you meet Him? Leather bars, usually a Likely place to find what you want, can be either too impersonal (and impractical from a conversational standpoint in guiding you to making a calculated decision), or relatively scarce - not too many cities have Leather bars and if you're in a smaller city or town, there aren't any gay bars, Let alone gay Leather bars! So, in your quest of finding someone, you will probably advertise, or answer an advertisement(s).

Although not always the most rewarding or satisfactory of contacts, it is more Likely that guys whom you've met through ads or by correspondence are safer in that you already know something about Them, and have Their address and phone number. What you really have to watch out for is setting your sights too high and then being disappointed when you and He finally meet in real Life.

Reality has a habit of being submersed by the fantasy of SM, especially when you talk over the phone, or correspond. Something that sounds good or reads well may be impossible to translate into reality and, thus, when you do meet and go into a scene with all those ideas inside, expecting them to be fulfilled, you can be very disenchanted and frustrated.

So try and establish attainable goals, and try not to fantasize (too much) about what He's going to "do to you" when you both meet. It's more difficult than it sounds, 'cause when you are starting out in SM, the only thing you have are your desires and fantasies, and not the down-to-earth, practical experience of what to realistically expect.

Another problem is the "chemistry thing". When you are searching for someone special through correspondence, the critical component is the chemistry - particularly when you're corresponding from a distance and the only way to meet is to travel a fair stretch. It's something to bear in mind - a man who Looks, reads, and sounds hot may turn out to be completely incompatible (not right for you), both in sexual terms and just straight compatibility. You're not on the same wavelength.

Again, honesty about yourself, your Limitations, and expectations are critical - false advertising is a frustrating venture that will never pay off. Expect that same honesty in return - read between the Lines, so to speak, since Letters have a nasty habit of presenting a controlled appearance to the other person. It is not actually the real man you're corresponding with at all!

Closer to home, it might pay to seek out a local Leather/SM group, if your city/town has one. The advantage of belonging to a Leather/SM organization is that you may meet another Member, or have access to someone a Member knows of. He either can be easily checked out, or has a reliable reputation in the community. It's also simple to contact members of fraternal organizations that are associated with your own group.

As for play parties, if you're comfortable with playing in a group setting, then your organization's events are the place to start. It is much more likely that you will not be imposed upon, or coerced into playing if you don't want to, or are not ready. And there's a far higher probability that intervention will take place when the activity He has engaged in with you is considered dangerous or unsafe.

When you finally do meet and then get together with another man in a private scene, there are several important things to consider and appreciate:

1. The first time is likely to be an exploratory meeting, and you shouldn't expect too much or expect that it be your fantasy come true. As you gradually get to know the other guy better - reading each other more intimately - the scenes will become much more satisfying and sensually pleasing. Building upon past experiences, both you and He will go farther into SM and derive greater pleasure than you'd dreamed of.
2. For the first few times, or at Least until He knows you and understands your psyche, don't ever say "More" unless you mean it. He could misinterpret your signals, and do something you are not prepared for. As well, when the Top says "Move", He means it, and you better do it! Establish a method (code words or signals) by which the scene stops when you've reached your Limit, or something is not right.
3. While this is standard, irrespective of how long you've been seeing Him, nevertheless you should always respect the Top, and listen to Him. If you're Topping someone yourself, listen to the bottom and the bottom's responses - pay attention! Feed on each other's experiences - heed and you Learn. And, don't overindulge or pig out - sensual burnout does occur. Savour each moment as you would a fine wine or a choice aperitif.
4. Use and/or misuse of recreational drugs and alcohol are factors you have to consider when playing, both from the Lack of judgment and Loss of control, to engaging in reckless and irresponsible acts during the scene. It can literally mean the difference between a pleasurable experience and permanent injury, even death. Also consider for a moment that drugs and alcohol dull the body's responses to pain and pleasure, and also Lowers your resistance to opportunistic infection and STDs.
5. Appreciate the fact that SM doesn't end when He stops whipping you, or you or He cums. There is such a thing as "aftercare", and it's as important as the scene itself. When He and you are deep within that special place of SM, it takes time, attention, and togetherness to bring you both back into the real world.
6. Finally, when in doubt, a standard rule of thumb on the first couple of encounters, especially if you're going to allow yourself to be tied up and played with, is to never bring a Top home. Go to His place instead, since He's much more unlikely to do serious harm to you in His own home (I know this is a bit melodramatic, but caution never killed anybody, while carelessness and unacceptable risks did).

Understand that the basic appeal of SM is that every scene is an adventure into a region where there is a thrill in testing one's limits; physical, mental, and spiritual. The nearer the edge you venture, the greater the risk, and while risk is always present in all aspects of life, minimizing the dangerous while maximizing the pleasurable should be your main objective.

So, in conclusion, become knowledgeable about yourself, about what risks you can safely handle, and how near the edge you're willing to go. Establish attainable and realistic goals for yourself, and by building upon your past experiences, you will move from a hesitant novice to a true devotee. Remember, both you and your Top (or bottom) have to enjoy it for the "Wonderful World of SM" to work.

Special thanks to D.M. and G.W. for their invaluable assistance in writing this article.

Last Note: if you happen across a man who doesn't practice Safe, Sane, and Consensual Sex, let someone know about it! It's up to us to keep SM safe for all.

The Psychology Of SM

Author's Note: The article below is one particular view on why the author is motivated to do what he does, and his personal opinion over what motivates other individuals to pursue SM themselves. Please note: although the author is a member of Vancouver Activists in SM, none of the individuals mentioned below are members of VASM.

On Saturday evening, after the May 14th workshop on the "Psychology of SM" was over, I walking home wondering to myself what really motivated me to pursue SM. While the evening started out well, and proved to be interesting by itself, I got the feeling that, by the end of the talk, few panelists had actually answered the question on why they do what they do. Many had described their likes and dislikes, what scenes are attractive, but not their motivations. So I decided to sit down and write a small piece on the whys of SM.

My first motivation for SM would have to be the awareness of basic security that I feel, especially in the kind of bondage that I prefer. It gives me a sense of envelopment where I am suspended in time, safe from the outside world. It also gives me a sense of freedom by not being in command of myself.

Of course, being naked and bound under someone else's control definitely creates a certain vulnerability, but it is a different kind of vulnerability than what I usually face in my everyday life - a kind that brings a mix of sexual excitement and, sometimes, a definite challenge to "escape". When I'm in a scene, I know I can let goof everything and just "experience the now", knowing that I will be brought back safely afterwards.

Ron, a friend of mine in his late 20s, has the same basic feeling of security: it's the driving force for him when he goes into an SM scene. "It's like regressing back into childhood where parents are your protectors. You don't have to concern yourself with the everyday problems of life: it's all taken care of. You only have to concern yourself with the moment at hand and the multitude of sensations you're flowing through."

He went on to say that he also felt the same sense of freedom as me and an abandonment of responsibility. In his day job, he is always results-oriented, and finds himself obligated to take on additional responsibility, especially when individuals in his department come up "short". When he's in a scene, he lets go of his everyday worries, his responsibilities, and the simultaneous stress he experiences with it, and moves into a different world: a world where he is only there to "experience", though personal responsibility still remains with him in a generalized way.

Another motivation is the unknown: an exploration into new experiences and different sensations. To me, it's a learning experience in which you are continually finding out about yourself and where you're moving through a different "concept" of reality. If I had to describe that reality, it would be like exploring an unknown plane of existence through experiencing SM.

Another friend, John, agreed, saying, "I do it because of the variety, and I never know what will happen. It's similar to choosing a smorgasbord in a restaurant where I can select and taste each item on the table before plunging in." Over the last few years, John frequented many rest stops as he toured throughout North America. While he would caution against casual sex without adequate protection [always be safe, sane, and consensual], he had no problem picking up individuals who expressed an interest in the "kinky".

"I've tied more guys up at rest stops and played with them in an SM context than I ever had through the bars. I've also had more than my share at playing the bottom. It's tremendously exciting."

John continued by saying that he felt a sense of control when tying his partners, and that leads me into another aspect of the Whys of SM: a feeling of power.

Dean and his partner, bill, have been together in a Master/slave relationship for several years. As a Top, Dean feels motivated by that exchange of power between them whenever they're in a scene together. "It's an energy exchange between us, with him giving me the strength necessary to make the scene successful." When he first started in SM, he didn't know why he felt so exhilarated until he made that connection. Now his relationship with bill is almost exclusively SM, although he did admit to me that cuddling in bed without overtly being bill's Master was equally as nice.

bill, for his part, echoed what other bottoms say drive them: a sense of freedom from everything but the moment. It's also a sense of oneness. "I get tremendous satisfaction in offering myself to Dean, in putting my complete trust in my partner. It's a feeling of completeness when i submit myself and merge in Him. That completeness continues even after we've finished the scene."

bill continued on by saying that the bonding they go through in SM is much deeper than when they were engaging in vanilla sex. "i suppose it's the total trust that i give to Dean, and his accepting that trust that moves us closer than ever. i become a part of Him and, He a part of me."

For those who are less involved in the SM lifestyle, one reason why they experiment in SM is the oneness with the other person. Many friends told me of the closeness they felt by giving their trust or receiving another's trust in an SM context. Others say to me that spontaneity, "to do something different, something forbidden", is why they play with SM. After all, SM is outside all the norms of Society, like the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden; potentially dangerous, yet extremely seductive.

John echoed that danger when he was on the hunt. "Always playing in public facilities are such that you never know. The danger heightens my sense of excitement, the thrill of adventure in doing something that is against the law."

Other individuals expressed the same thrill they experience when taking someone they just met on the street home with them. "It's the danger that heightens the senses," remarked a friend who wants to remain anonymous. [Note: when taking someone you don't know home with you, exercise "reasoned" caution.]

Another aspect into the Why of SM might be as simple as natural addiction to pleasurable feelings, where individuals are experiencing a brain-induced high through SM. There's a definite release of endorphins, particularly when the scene focuses on pain, and through pain to pleasure. Many individuals who haven't experienced SM do not understand the entwining of pain with pleasure, and the sensations it brings.

It becomes increasingly more complicated, since these feelings are not opposites. Not only does the body confuse the two, but also the intensity operates independently from the type of sensation being experienced. Given a skilled Top, a bottom can literally hover between agony and ecstasy with incredible results; with great satisfaction.

My last motivation as to the psychology of SM should touch upon my first paragraph and the phrase, "Because it's there After all, many individuals are lured into performing dangerous stunts because of the challenge, whether it be physical or mental. The challenge can start low, then increase as you grow in SM, increasing "risk" as you're more able to handle it: like daring yourself to stretch existing limits, climbing up to a new plateau of endurance.

So when I ask myself why, I inevitably come back to a basic question we all ask ourselves in life, "Why do we do things at all? In retrospect, we are always saying "why" in all aspects of our lives, so it isn't really unusual to ask that same question with SM. Most of the time, people don't honestly know the whys. Indeed, is there a purpose to anything?"

My response would naturally say, "Maybe there isn't any reason, except to strike out into the unknown, experience, learn from it fully, then pass that knowledge on." Perhaps that is the real why in everything we do, including SM.

P.S. Always weigh motivation with the factor of safety, both physical and psychological. Never disregard that for the sake of the moment.

Editor's Note: Bruce Armstrong is a member of Vancouver Activists in SM (VA SM) and is the editor emeritus of that organization's newsletter, Scene. He currently lives in Vancouver, British Columbia, and travels around the continent when not involved with VASM's activities.