First Respect by Long Haired Angel from A North Fla BDSM (A Yahoo Group) and Stone Angel

Of all the forms of respect that are talked about in BDSM circles, one of the least discussed is self respect. While who to call sir or ma'am is often debated, very often new submissives and Doms do not hear that the first respect they must show is to themselves. They must not only respect themselves but also accept and expect nothing less then respect from others.

Many people feel a form of guilt when seeking out the BDSM lifestyle. They think they are alone in these dark desires, that only they have these perverse thoughts. It doesn't matter what your kink is, what your fetish is, someone else has been there before you and you are not alone. No matter how unusual your desires, they are not a reason for guilt if they are practiced between consenting adults.

This feeling of guilt pervades the thoughts though when you approach the community initially for some. I know they did for me. I worried that there was something wrong with me that the thought of putting a woman over my knee and spanking her ass red drove me crazy. I wondered if I was sick because the thought of my deep dark desires were more arousing then thinking of a happily ever after story. These doubts bred guilt in me, as they do in many.

What I didn't know then was that they are not nearly as unusual as I had thought. If truth were told, many "vanilla" people crave the release of being able to express their darkest desires but hold back for fear of reprisal. Here in the BDSM community though, these desires are common place and expected, encouraged even.

So I came to the community feeling that I had something to hide when in fact it is here that I should feel free to express those thoughts. I remember the first BDSM checklist I filled out and how I denied things that aroused me for fear of seeming like a freak. I checked what I thought was "acceptable" instead of what I truly felt. What I didn't understand is that what I feel, what I crave, what I desire is vital to who I am. To deny those things is to deny myself.

So now, years later I have become more comfortable with these dark desires. More importantly, I have come to respect myself and my needs. While I do not offer my list of kinks up for public debate, I have learned that I must voice desires and fantasies to my submissives. . .not only out of a need for open communication but also out of respect for myself.

All that being said, that doesn't mean a new person to the lifestyle should offer up their inner most psyche to strangers. To do so invites all sorts of problems from ridicule to dangerous misunderstandings. Telling every person that contacts you everything you want is foolhardy. Respecting yourself also means knowing that you have a right to privacy and no one can tell you that you must disclose anything to them until you feel ready.

Respecting yourself means that you choose what you tell and when. You choose who you call sir and ma'am when you feel it within. You choose who to trust and who to avoid. You have that right. Respecting yourself means understanding what you want and need and what you are willing to do to get it. It means understanding that no matter what your kink, no matter if you are top or bottom, Dom or sub or switch, you have a right to be a human being first. You are not meat... unless of course that is your fetish and then you choose who has a right to treat you as such.

The first respect must be to yourself. Without that no other respect means anything more then lip service. You must first understand your worth before you can expect someone else to see it as well. Let the guilt go. Embrace your desires and fantasies, they are what make you unique. Respect that which you are and others will do so as well.

LongHairedAngel
"Flesh is just meat until you give it purpose"