Beginner's Guide to the D/s Lifestyle

Introduction:

This writing is meant to be a guide or a handbook and perhaps more of an understanding of a lifestyle. One of love between two consenting adults. Although sex does occur in these lifestyles, this writing is more of an explanation of the lifestyles and not a sexual guide.

D/s, B&D and S&M are terms most often used in society today. They are distinctly different in that D/s stands for Domination and submission, B&D stands for Bondage and Domination or sometimes called Bondage and Discipline and S&M stands for Sadism and Masochism. These are three distinctly different life styles. The terms are not interchangeable, yet one lifestyle may lead into the other, depending upon the limits agreed upon by both consenting parties. As the relationship continues the limits may continue to be expanded by both parties and therefore lead from one lifestyle into the next.

These life styles might better be referred to as an alternative relationship. It is a form of love in which one controls and the other surrenders willingly, not forcefully.

In this Guide you will see the usage of the terms "he" and "she" or "Master" (dominant) and "Charge" (submissive) that does not mean the male is always the dominant one, there are many relationships where the female is the dominant one or same sex relationships.

In this lifestyle there is no proper or correct way for a relationship to be lived, there are as many ways to live this lifestyle as there are individuals living it. The Master and the Charge agree upon that which is the most comfortable for both of them.

Terminology and definitions:

The following definitions are taken from the American Heritage Dictionary.

Bondage - 2. A state of subjection to a force, power or influence. It comes from the Old English word bonda, which means husbandman (farmer)
Dominant - 1. Exercising the most influence or control; governing. 2. Most prominent in position or prevalence; ascendant. Comes from Old French and Latin dominans, to dominate.
Dominate - 1. To control, govern or rule by superior authority or power. Comes from Latin dominari, to rule > dominus, lord.
Humiliate - To lower the pride or dignity of; mortify. Comes from Latin humiliare, humiliat-to humble > humilis, humble.
Submissive - comes from Submit.
Submit - 1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another. 2. To subject to a condition or process. 1. To yield to the opinion or authority of another; give in. 2. To allow oneself to be subjected; acquiesce. Comes from Middle English submitten > Latin submittere, to set under: sub-under + mittere-to cause to go.
Sadism - 1. The perversion of deriving sexual satisfaction from the infliction of pain on others. 2. Delight in cruelty. 3. Extreme cruelty. Comes from Comte Donatien de Sade (1740-1814)
Masochism - 1. An abnormal condition in which sexual excitement and satisfaction depend largely on being subjected to abuse or physical pain, whether by oneself or another. Comes from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Austrian novelist (1836-1895)
Sadomasochism - 1. The perversion of taking pleasure, especially sexual gratification from simultaneous sadism and masochism.

There are some additional terms that are not dictionary defined, but common in this lifestyle, they are:

Dominant One - A Master or Mistress, i.e.. the controlling person
Submissive One - The Charge, i.e.. the one who chooses to serve
Slave - A commonly misused term in for the Charge in society today
Dom or Domme - The teacher, one who teaches this lifestyle

The terms Sub, Submissive and Slave have become commonly used today, the proper term in this 1,300 year old lifestyle is Charge.

The Master has the duty in life to lead his Charge in this lifestyle, to love and to honor her and to never harm her in any manner and most of all to protect her. The Charge has the responsibility to serve and to honor her Master. How each relationship is lived is between the Master and the Charge.

This lifestyle is a matter of choice, the Charge chooses to serve and whom she will serve. It is totally her choice to serve, therefore the term Slave is not a correct one, as a Slave has no choice. She may choose to act as her Master's Slave, but again that is her choice.

The Charge is free to ask for her release at any given time she chooses. As is the Master free to release her if he chooses to do so.

COLLARING:

The Charge chooses the Master to whom she wishes to belong or to serve. He may not ask to collar her, she offers her leash to him. Collaring in this lifestyle is a commitment to serve or belong to one person. It is akin to an engagement in other lifestyles except in this lifestyle the Charge makes the choice.

Even in the Collaring ceremony itself it is clearly shown that the Charge is making the choice and the Master is but accepting her gift.

FLOATING:

The state where the submissive one relinquishes all control to the dominant one and reaches the state of euphoria. Time seems to stand still and it is like floating on a cloud. It has been called the "Sweet taste of submission".

Lifestyles:

The principal difference it the three lifestyles is pain and humiliation. In the D/s lifestyle control by the use of pain or humiliation never occurs. The control is relinquished by the Charge willingly to the Master. The Master controls by voice or minor punishment. Punishment is given for misdeeds or failure to obey, warmth is given for correct deeds. This is an important thing to remember as everyone wishes acknowledgment for deeds done well.

In the Bondage and Domination lifestyle, punishment is more severe, but within the preset limits of the couple. Rewards are still given for deeds well done. In B&D, pain may be used a tool for correcting improper actions, and no injury occurs, or should occur.

The play would include more of the Dungeon style. It can range from minor spankings to sensual flogging. Various devices and bondage are normally included it this lifestyle.

In Sadism and Masochism pain becomes an integral part of the play. It is pain for sexual delight. When orgasm is obtained through any form of pain it then becomes S&M.

The above descriptions show how easily the boundaries can be crossed. Let say that one enjoys the spanking to a point of orgasm, then that falls under S&M. Usually though the practice of S&M entails a much higher pain infliction that leads to sexual release.

When one speaks of punishment, one must also speak of limits. Limits are agreed upon prior to the start of any part of this lifestyle. These limits must be adhered to by all parties involved. The submissive one submitted and trusted the Dominant one based upon trust that these limits will not be exceeded. They must never be exceeded under any circumstances, without first discussing that between the two parties. Mutual respect and trust is of the utmost in this life style.

When mutual trust disappears, the parties should dissolve the relationship immediately, or someone may get hurt. At any given time either party may dissolve this relationship.

In the true sense of this life style a Dom or Domme is the teacher. The one who is chosen by his/her peers to lead others in this lifestyle, he or she is looked up to and respected by Masters and Mistresses alike.

In all cases the Dom/Domme and the Masters/Mistresses are responsible for the protection and safety of the submissive ones. They must honor and cherish them as much as they are cherished by them. Love and respect reigns above all in these relationships.

SAFE WORDS:

To protect the limits discussed above, the use of safe words comes into play at this point. When the safe word is used the action stops immediately and the action is discussed. Under no circumstances can the action continue unless mutually agreed upon. Should the action continue with out the permission of the other then it is no longer a loving relationship but one of force.

Many use a safe word of choice. Those of the old school do not use a chosen safe word, when a submissive is under stress for any reason, it is difficult to remember a particular word. In the old school the submissive one simply uses the common name of the Dom/Domme or Master/Mistress.

Understand that choosing to utilize the safe word does not reflect a failure by either partner. It is a time for mutual understanding and love.

Although the submissive one relinquishes control to the Dominant one, the Dominant one must continue to earn the respect and trust of the submissive one. Arbitrary punishment will cause the loss of respect and trust. And the lack of rewards will also lose that respect and trust.

As with any good lover the Dominant one should show warmth and love always, even when issuing punishment. The Dominant one must be in tune with the submissive one at all times, making sure that he/she is aware that he/she is the prime source of pleasure.

Remember that the ultimate goal of this lifestyle is the pleasure the submissive one attains when they reach the state of Floating. But not only does the submissive one Float, but so does the Dominant one Float with him/her. The Dominant one basks in the glory of the submissive one.

A good Dom/Domme gives a gift of love to the submissive one, one that he/she can share with their chosen one. They teach the submissive one that if control is relinquished they can attain a state of euphoria. It is a gift that the submissive one will cherish for life.

Whether the D/s or the B&D scene is chosen by the submissive one, their safety and protection is always the mainstay of this lifestyle. Remember that this is a lifestyle of love, honor and trust.

Dominant One:

Many individuals believe that to be a Dominant one you need only order someone around and make them do as you say. This may be a dominant personality but not a Dominant one in this lifestyle. The Dominant One or Master/Mistress is the protector, teacher and leader as well as the lover of the submissive one.

He has the responsibility of being stronger than others in her life, not by size, but by intellect and character. He has earned her respect and willingness to let him lead. He must lead by example much of the time. Respect is the key word here, and he must earn that respect, not demand it. Degrading of one by another is not earning respect.

The Dominant One has the responsibility to be loving and caring as well as the leader. He must be wise in his leadership and not ever punish in anger. Anger can bring about pain above and beyond any limits preset by the couple.

The trust placed in him by the submissive one is paramount to his leadership and leads to the love and honor in this lifestyle.

Above all it must be remembered by the Dominant One that while punishment is for misdeeds, warmth and love is for good ones. This is a loving relationship above all else.

Submissive One:

The terms Pleasure of Pleasing and The Honor Of Serving, which leads to the Sweet Taste of Surrender are tantamount here. She chooses to submit, to surrender control and to be led. It is the GIFT she gives to her Dominant One. She must trust that he will not place her in harms way and will protect her with his life if necessary.

She loves, honors and trusts him with her body and mind. A true gift of love. No matter which of the levels she engages in, she does so by choice.

Safe rules:

While each couple has their own rules and regulations that they live by, there are some basics which for safety sake alone should be followed.

As covered above, limits should be established by all couples and strictly adhered to, never exceed them with out first discussing them.

Injury or harm should be discussed well in advance and agreed upon as a limit.

Nothing should ever be engaged in or practiced that might lead to physical damage or mental damage of the submissive one. There are many extremes practiced by couples that have been agreed upon in advance, they are not wrong between them it is only asked that safety is observed.

The use of Safe Words are important in the relationship, as it grows that usage may vary or even disappear.

Punishment should be carefully considered, over punishment for minor infractions can lead to a submissive asking for release and remember that punishment should never ever be done in anger. In many cases punishment may be just the simple withdrawal of attention, pain is not always the answer. The punishment should fit the misdeed. Levels of punishment should always be agreed upon and be within the limits preset in each relationship.

And most of all remember the rewards. The showing of love is important as this is a loving relationship. Be it a hug or flowers the Charge needs to feel loved.

The following is taken in part from The Beginners Guide to Bondage and Domination, by Master James. Of all the things that I have read on this subject, he seems to have done the best job of describing this.

Bondage:

Bondage is a tool used by the Dominant One to restrict the movement or to immobilize the submissive one. Binding can be used for either correction or pleasure, depending on the relationship of the couple. During bondage the Dominant One usually has complete control over the submissive one, but this depends upon the types of bindings used. The are a variety of restraints you can purchase at your local adult book store or through catalogs. Each one has its own use and purpose. Regardless of the style of the restraint, they should be somewhat comfortable to wear, and should not cut-off blood circulation. If the submissive one is extremely uncomfortable, they will have their attention to their body and not fully on the Dominant One.

During bondage, the Dominant One has almost complete control of the submissive one's body, and can use the time for instruction, punishment, teasing, or can bring the Charge to orgasm as the Dominant One wishes. In order to be bound, there has to be a deep level of trust by the submissive one in the Dominant One.

It is at this time more than any other that the Dominant One needs to be very perceptive to the cues the Charge will give. When the submissive one is bound, the chance of injury jumps drastically, and the submissive one is not in a position to defend or assist herself.

It is an act of total submission to allow oneself to be bound, and the submissive one is trusting the Dominant One to do the right thing. Therefore, the Dominant One must be in complete control of himself while handling a bound submissive one. Drinking or taking drugs before a bondage scene is not ever recommended.

Ropes:

Rope bondage is the most common. This includes rope, scarves, neckties, belts, or any other multi-purpose items used to restrain. Usually the hands are bound to each other, but they can be bound to the thighs, waist, behind the back, or above the head. The submissive one can also be to bound another object such as a chair, shower curtain rod, hook in the ceiling, and many other places where you can tie off a rope.

Great care must be taken with rope. It is very easy to cut off circulation, or cause rope burns. Use a soft, large diameter rope, such as nautical rope. Check the submissive one often. The more the submissive one struggles, the tighter the bindings can become.

Straps:

Normally, these are special items made of nylon webbing or leather. These are items that go a step beyond mere binding of the hands or feet. They are much more difficult to get out of, and are more restrictive. One example is a setup that goes around the neck and the waist, and binds both hands closely behind the back of the submissive one. Used with ankle restraints, the submissive one is almost completely immobilized. Some strap items bind the wrists to the thighs, or to the ankles. Strap bondage items tend to be for a single purpose.

Cuffs:

Cuffs are mainly used for wrist and arm restraint. When referring to leg and ankle restraint, they are normally called shackles. They can be made from many different materials, from nylon with Velcro closings, to leather, to metal. Care must be taken in using cuffs since a tight fit can cut off the circulation. Cuffs can be used to bind the submissive one's hands to the waist, ankles, thighs, or to other objects.

The use of police-style handcuffs for bondage with out any padding can hurt, and can cause skin or tendon damage. Try using a wrist strap device made for this purpose.

Chains:

Since chains can cause injury to the skin, they are normally used to support cuffs, or to hold up a suspension device. However, some Dominant One's use chains directly to the skin because it will not tighten accidentally. Choose a smooth, finished chain, and use quick-release clasps.

Collars:

Collars are devices that go around the neck of the submissive one. They can be made or leather or nylon. Chains or straps can be attached to it to secure the hands or the legs. These devices are different from a standard collar which shows ownership. Beginners should avoid the use of collars, or anything which goes around the neck of a submissive one. It is very easy to inadvertently choke the submissive one.

Bars:

Bars, also called spreader bars, are used to separate extremities from each other. They are normally around 2 to 3 feet long, though the size varies. The ends of the bar can be attached to cuffs around the wrists, ankles, or neck. The bar enables the Dominant One to control the movement of the submissive one, and enables free access to any body parts. Great care must be taken to ensure that all fastenings are secure, loose fastening can cause a swing of the bar and injury to either party. Bars are usually for more advanced couples, they are not recommended for he novice.

Suspension Devices:

Suspension devices are used to raise the submissive one off the floor. These devices are much more advanced and not for the beginner at all. There are many types of devices that can be built or purchased from catalogs.

Gags:

The most common gag is the ball gag. It is a dangerous item to use if the submissive one has any breathing difficulty at all. Much care must be taken when these items are used and it is recommended that the submissive one not be left alone. It also prohibits the use of any safe words and therefore is for advanced play.

Paddles, Crops, Floggers etc.:

Paddles, come in various forms from the toys purchased in the local toy store to expensive leather covered ones. Normally, almost anything of this type can be purchased from a catalog. Crops floggers and whips can be also purchased from catalogs.

Home Dungeon:

The creation of a dungeon at home is as easy as you wish to make it or as complicated. Depending on the room you have, you can start off with simple hooks on the ceiling or go to expensive equipment you can purchase from a catalog.

Simple hooks and eyes purchased from your local hardware store and combined with rope can create harnesses for tying to beds, doorways, or ceilings. Use of the imagination here can create a fun play room.

The longer your in this lifestyle the more you will add to your collection.

Toys:

Toys such as vibrators, plugs, nipples clamps and clit clamps come in a multitude of variety and can be purchased at your local adult bookstore or through a catalog.

Training:

Each Dominant One trains his submissive one as he may prefer. Again there are as many ways to be served as there are couples practicing this lifestyle. There are, however, 8 rules that should always be followed for a good and safe relationship.

Never strike the face. A light to medium open-hand slap can be normal in some relationships as previously agreed upon. Usually lifting her face and staring into her eyes as you talk works well.
Never break skin on purpose. If it should happen, tend to it immediately. Soothe the scrapes with lotion while speaking softly to her.
Never leave a bound one unattended. Accidents can happen and she is in no position to assist herself.
Never discipline in anger.
Never discipline under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This rule applies to both parties.
Always explain why the discipline is occurring to the submissive one. Discipline must occur for a specific reason. To arbitrarily discipline breaks down her trust in you.
The punishment should fit the offense.
Discipline should always be followed with tenderness and love. The infraction has been dealt with, and is past. As a Dominant One, do not ever hold a grudge against her. Allow her always to be forgiven.

Domination:

There are many types of domination, ranging from verbal to physical. Each relationship varies. It should be discussed in advance by the parties and decided with what ever limits they decide.

Most dungeon play is just that, play. The Dominant One and the submissive one both enjoy the play, it can range from sensual to harsh depending on the limits of each couple. Dungeon play is not normally used as punishment.

Some couples include public things in their play and that is between them, so long as no bystander is offended or hurt by that play.

Conclusion:

As can be seen here there are no definite rules that all must follow. Each couple decides their rules and limits and the way they wish to live this lifestyle. The basic rules of this lifestyle are based around love and trust.

Most of all remember this is a lifestyle of love and honor. The gift of her submission cannot be taken to lightly by the Dominant One. He has been honored by that gift. Remember to respect that gift and return love for it.

To live this lifestyle 24/7 (Twenty Four Hours per day/seven days a week) is a wonderful thing. But in reality there is work, family and children to consider. So many couples consider it 24/7 in their minds and respect it as such. The true meaning of the term 24/7 means living together.

This is a beautiful warm loving lifestyle, cherish and love the one who serves you and you will reap the benefits for life.