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The soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ List
From soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) list!
The contents of this page:
Especially note the last FAQ in the FAQ list proper; it's a big one, describing all sorts of other online and offline BDSM
resources. If this list ain't enough,
go to that list!
Introduction
Soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm
is a Usenet discussion group, or newsgroup, about various topics including sex and bondage. This FAQ list is my set of answers to some of the most common questions in
that group. You may find it interesting whether or not you've encountered s.s.b-b itself.
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What kinds of things are discussed on soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm? And what things are
not
appropriate for discussion there? Read the group's charter! And all shall be made clear.
This FAQ contains explicit sexual information. If you do not wish to view such information, I advise you to skip this FAQ. If you believe this FAQ itself is obscene,
I ask you to read my response to
question 20.
Check out what's new with the FAQ!
[Also, if you're curious.]
Books could be and are being written about these questions; remember, this is a thumbnail FAQ list. If you learn anything from this list, hopefully it will be how many
questions there are to ask, and how much there is to learn! If you're concerned or curious about issues that you feel are breezed over here, see the very end of this FAQ
for a list of wonderful books and sources of more information. And if you want more ideas or discussion about anything, well, what else is soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm for?
The FAQs Themselves
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What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean?
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What is a "scene", and what is "negotiation"?
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What is a "safeword"?
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When is pain not pain?
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What are some basics of safe SM, emotionally and physically?
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Is everyone either a top or a bottom? What's a "switch"?
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How can I learn to be a good top?
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How can I learn to be a good bottom?
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Is BDSM sexual?
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Why is bondage fun?
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Why is whipping fun?
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What is body piercing? What is "C&B" play, or "genitorture"?
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What is cutting/play piercing/burning/branding/electrical play? What are "bloodsports"?
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What is it about breath control? Is it safe to make someone pass out?
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What are "golden showers"? How about "scat"?
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Is anal sex safe? Why do people do it?
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What is "fisting"?
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Does the way I play qualify as "real" SM? What is "real" SM, anyway?
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What is it about leather/latex/high heels/corsets/other fetishes?
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What about shaving body hair and/or crossdressing?
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Why am I defending SM?
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Is SM degrading or abusive? Were most SM people abused?
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Why is SM taboo, and is SM criminal, unnatural, immoral, unethical, or unhealthy?
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Isn't the bottom always in control?
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Can someone really be someone else's slave?
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What are the "codes"?
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My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into SM?
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I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it?
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I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette?
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What's the deal with this anonymity stuff?
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Are SM people being politically and socially harassed?
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What topics are or aren't acceptable on s.s.b-b? (including, what's s.s.b-b's charter?)
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I'm sick of certain topics on s.s.b-b. How can I avoid them? Also, what's with all these ads?
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OK, so I can't post ads to s.s.b-b. Where CAN I post them?
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I don't have access to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm; what can I do to get information about the scene?
Translations & Etc.
The FAQ has (so far) been translated into four languages! (I'm putting this before the FAQs because, well, I'm quite proud and happy about this :-) If you wish to translate
it into another language, or re-translate it into one of these languages, simply let me know--I have a standing policy of granting permission to do so if permission is
requested--and I will link to your translation once it is available, as well as archiving it here. Thanks VERY VERY MUCH to all those who have put in time and effort so
far to translate my FAQ; it is a great honor to me, and a great help to many others.
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A French version is archived here.
Thanks very much to
Lady Blaylock, the translator.
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I have archived an old version of it here.
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An Italian version is (with an older, archived copy
here).
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I've also archived it locally,
here.
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The most recent version is Czech, currently only archived locally here.
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If you want to download this entire FAQ as a plain text file (in English :-), you can do so thanks to the able efforts of spectrum@magenta.com;
here's his full-text copy of the FAQ.
FAQs about the FAQs
Some simple questions, answered simply.
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What about the alt.sex.bondage FAQ? Alt.sex.bondage was the first Usenet BDSM newsgroup. It is currently overrun by advertising (as is all the alt.sex hierarchy).
When soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm came about, I asked if I could convert The s.s.b.b FAQ (which I wrote) to the s.s.b-b FAQ, and people said "sure!", and I never did
it. Until now. The s.s.b.b FAQ is now merely a reference to this one. I'm delighted to see how much of the "a.s.b-of-old" feeling s.s.b-b has recaptured. (Now I have
much more of a life than I did then, which is basically why this FAQ has slipped... hope I haven't let the community down too badly by doing so much realtime pervery
rather than virtual....)
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How long have you been running the FAQ? Since 1991. I've gotten a lot of thanks and suggestions in that time, and I hope to make more time to work on the guts of this FAQ,
which is still (to my knowledge) the best free reference about SM on the entire Internet. (If I'm wrong about this, please let me know which sites are better, so I can add
links to them!)
The Appendix
I'm not the only person who asks, or answers, questions about BDSM. Plenty of other SM writers are on the net, and sometimes some of them send me questions and answers of
their own. I've collected some of that material here.
Much of the appendix material overlaps with what I discuss in my FAQ, though not all. In any case, it's good to get other views and voices when you're learning about SM.
These writings are offered in that spirit: I've done very little editing. (As a partial consequence, I may not agree with all of this information, nor would I give the same
slant on some of it. So take it with a grain of salt-- as you hopefully did with my FAQ!)
The author of the answer is [bracketed] before the name of their question. I wrote no text on these pages except the introduction. (I did the HTML markup, though, so blame me
for mistakes therein.)
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[Hans Meijer] Japanese bondage, finding a partner, etc.
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[Jonathan Peters] Self-bondage: detailed tips
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[Tanith Tyrr] Cheap, creative SM toys
Announcement of Plagiarism and Quitclaim on Illegal Copyright
You would think that after having been an Internet author since 1991 (when I started writing the FAQ), I would understand something about copyright. Sadly, in 1994 and
again in 1999, I demonstrated that I didn't, by republishing some work by the incredibly wonderful author Carol Queen, without crediting her--and in one instance putting
my own copyright notice on her text. I have created a page detailing the incident and declaring a formal apology and a formal
quitclaim on my illegal copyrighted republishing of her text.
This site is now part of the
The Sex Education Web Circle!
Thanks for reading!
Hope you learned something! Remember, your sexuality is wonderful; treasure it and nourish it!
From Johnson's adult page.
Created 10 August 1995, last updated 21 April 1999, and
copyright
by
Johnson Grey.
What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean?
The easy part first: B&D = "bondage & dominance" or "bondage & discipline." S&M = "sadism & masochism." D&S = "dominance & submission."
People who read s.s.b-b are generally interested in ways to have sex that are outside the mainstream. One of the recurrent threads on s.s.b-b is the question of "what to call
ourselves", since there is no one set of sexual practices we all enjoy or are interested in, yet there is a lot in common among all the things we talk about.
Some people enjoy submitting to another person, placing themselves under the power of another, in a sexual context. It can be a very hot thing for someone to say to you,
"I'm yours. Use my body for your pleasure." This is D&S; one person is dominating, the other submitting. Slave/master, harem girl/sultan, boy/daddy, student/schoolmistress.
D&S is an erotic power game, where both people are getting off--one on the thrill of controlling, the other on the thrill of being controlled. This is also where the terms
"top" and "bottom" come in; the top is, roughly, the dominant; the bottom is, roughly, the submissive.
What do tops and bottoms do with each other? Well, one good possibility is they have lots of hot sex. Another possibility is the top ties the bottom up in some manner,
which directly and physically puts the bottom at the top's mercy, and then the top plays with the bottom, teasing, seducing, frustrating, and hopefully finally satisfying.
This is a bondage & dominance sort of game. Some people enjoy playing with punishment--"You've been bad and now I have to tie you up and spank you!" That's bondage &
discipline for you.
Then there's the sort of game described by S&M--"sadism and masochism". Whips, canes, nipple clamps, all the wonderful things that are designed to cause, in greater or
lesser degree, pain. It can be a powerful thing to submit to someone else who wants to hurt you; it's a fantastic gesture of trust. And as will be discussed later, pain is
not really pain anymore in an S&M game; it becomes overwhelmingly intense stimulation, which when administered by a skilled top can bring a bottom to entirely new heights
of ecstasy.
Sometimes the D&S aspect becomes secondary to the sensual trip; you don't have to enjoy obeying another's commands to enjoy being tied up and whipped! And of course,
pain (whether light or heavy) is only one sort of sensation; there are many others, and all of them can be lots of fun to play with.
This sort of trip, merging pain and pleasure to create an amazingly powerful experience for the bottom, is sometimes known as SM: Sex Magick. The precise definitions of
B&D, S&M, whatever, don't matter so much as do the experiences they point towards. All these areas, as you can see, overlap and intermingle in many many ways, but
for me they all meet in the single concept of Sex Magick: taking a fantasy and turning it into reality, creating a magical space in which your desire can come to thrilling
life!
While we're sorta on the subject of abbreviations, here are some more: motos = Member Of The Opposite Sex; motss = Member Of The Same Sex; IMHO = In My Humble Opinion;
BTW = By The Way; SO = Significant Other (i.e. lover); SMBDLMNOP = SM and BD and whatever else it is that we're always talking about here on s.s.b-b; "Munch" refers to
"any social gathering of local people who read s.s.b-b" (it's short for "Burgermunch", a tradition started in Palo Alto); "plonk"--see
a later question;
WIITWD = What It Is That We Do (a newer term than SMBDLMNOP); YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary (i.e. this is my experience, yours may be different); ObBDSM = "Obligatory
BDSM"--if a post here contains little BDSM content, the poster will put "ObBDSM: <some hot BDSM item>" at the end of the post; YKINOK = "Your Kink Is Not OK"--see
question 17... and of course FAQ = Frequently Asked Questions.
Oh, and the reason I refer to SM behavior as "play" here is because, well, it ain't work! Play means nothing other than activities done for recreation and for pleasure,
and hence "play" is a fine word for many BDSM behaviors. Many of my friends use "play" similarly. (Though let me begin the many YMMV's by stating that many other people
who do BDSM consider it to be a very real, and deep, part of their sexual orientation; these people find that the term "play" doesn't adequately express how important
and fundamental these behaviors and relationships are to them. I am increasingly finding myself to be one of these people. And for still other people, some BDSM is play
and some isn't. Confused yet?)
Just so it is totally clear at the outset, NONE OF THIS MATERIAL ADVOCATES ANY KIND OF NONCONSENSUAL BEHAVIOR. What I am describing here is a variety of ways for lovers to
enjoy one another, if and only if they both want to, and both give their consent. Anyone who claims that this information is in some way advocating nonconsensual, criminal
acts is hereby charged with having failed to read and understand what I am saying. When I use the term "SM" in this FAQ, I refer specifically to consensual behavior. (See
a later question
for more on this.)
Finally, you've probably already noticed that we talk about more here than just sex and bondage. If that bothers you, please, post something
yourself
about either or both topics! Complaining "where are all the sex and bondage posts?" is unproductive; if you want to see more of something, put it out there yourself.
Everyone on s.s.b-b is posting for their own reasons, which don't often include titillating strangers.
But then again, this whole group is
about
titillation--about conscious eroticism, about getting what you want, and the first step is often admitting it. Read on, and enjoy!
Who knows, you might be a different person by the time you finish this FAQ... it's happened to others before you :-)
Contents
Next Question
What is a "scene", and what is "negotiation"?
SM has definite connotations of theater. The fact that you are a submissive while you're playing sexually does not mean you are a pushover in real life, nor does your being
a dominant while playing mean that you are an overbearing egotist. These are roles that you can play; you are in some sense an actor.
Hence the concept of a "scene". A scene is a particular interaction between a group of players, usually revolving around a bottom. It's not a formal concept, just a handy way
to describe the action. "That was the hottest whipping scene I've ever seen!" "Our last scene really pushed me, Master; I've never felt like that before." Usually a scene has
a momentum of its own: you (a top) will begin fucking/whipping/sucking/whatever your bottom, you'll both be fantastically into it, one or both of you comes/peaks/starts
getting tired, and you wind down and rest for a while and talk about what worked and what didn't, about how the scene was for you.
Novice SM players may profit from actually taking this loose description and using it to structure your first scenes. If there's something you want to try, first negotiate
it with your partner; discuss what you want out of the scene (bondage? orgasm?), what your limits are (no fucking, no tickling), and what safeword you want to use (see the
next question). Then get "into scene"--assume your roles (if any), put on the collar (or whatever), get into the mood to play... and play! And after the scene is over, take
time to discuss what the scene felt like for each of you. Make sure to listen to your partner and learn how they felt, and thank your partner for playing... after an intense
scene, it's really nice to cuddle and connect, rather than stopping abruptly and going home. A scene has a beginning, middle, and end; all three parts are very important. (And
not necessarily disjoint; talking about how you feel and what you want can continue right through the whole process!)
This "negotiation" concept in the SM community simply means open, honest communication about what you do and don't want. Negotiation in this sense is not a bargaining process,
where one person is trying to get something at the expense of someone else; it's a win-win technique where you're both talking about what you've done and what excites and
doesn't excite you, so you can feel more comfortable and turned on together. It's completely legitimate to talk both about your fantasies and your boundaries--about what
makes you wet,
and
about what makes you cringe and tense up. Telling your partner about things that you
don't
want them to do is valuable, as you deserve to have those limits respected... and if you don't tell your partner those things, they may do them, and neither of you will enjoy
it. (If you do express your limits, and your partner ignores them, that's nonconsensual, and you will want to think hard about whether you can trust your partner. Negotiation
can bring these issues into clear focus, which can help.)
If you're just getting into SM, or just into a new relationship, negotiation is a VERY valuable process. It can be as upfront as "I'd really like to kiss you, does that
sound good?" or as nasty as "Tell me your deepest darkest fantasy or I'm going to stop rubbing your cock!" Talking about what you want from your sexual relationships can
be difficult at first, but the more you do it the easier it gets and the more you get out of it! And note that none of this is necessarily specific to SM; negotiation is
useful on all levels in all relationships, whether they involve SM or not. Consent is much more than a simple "yes"--any relationship, and especially SM relationships,
will do better with lots of honest talk about what you both want, and why, and how much, and what you
don't
want.
There are some who feel that negotiating--talking--"ruins the momentum". The image they seem to have is of the lovers who need say no words; every touch, every action,
is perfect. That's great when it happens, but it doesn't happen automatically. My personal experience is that talking upfront makes me feel much better about whoever it
is I'm with, and much more confident that they won't do something I'm not ready for... this in turn means I can throw myself wholeheartedly into whatever we've negotiated.
Plus, as you get to know each other better, you'll know what you like and don't like... because you'll have negotiated it! THEN the momentum REALLY gets rolling!
The other connotation of "scene" applies to the whole B/D/S/M population; sometimes someone will ask another SM player "Is X in the scene?" or "I've seen Y around the
scene before." If you want to get into the scene in this sense, look up one of the organizations I've mentioned at the end of this FAQ list--especially the NLA, which
may well have a chapter in your area! Doing this can be very worthwhile; you can make new friends, get lots of good ideas, and find a community that shares your interests.
Contents
Next Question
What is a "safeword"?
One of the thrills of SM is that it can stretch your limitations. If you enjoy this sort of play, you can naturally find yourself trying more and more new things,
accepting greater and greater levels of sensation, doing and feeling more than you've ever done or felt before.
But the process is slow and gradual, and people are not telepathic. It may be that you are the bottom in a whipping scene, and your top is whipping you, and suddenly
it doesn't feel good anymore!! and you want them to STOP!!! That is what a safeword is: a word that means "This isn't working! This scene is going wrong somehow!
Please stop!"
A safeword needs to be taken seriously. Sometimes you may be playing with a top you don't know that well, and if they do something to you you don't want, it's important
that you have a way to let them know, IMMEDIATELY. Especially if you're tied up or otherwise made helpless.
Everyone has their own favorite safeword. I personally use "Yellow!" to mean "Something's too intense; I need you to lighten up, but I don't want to stop the scene,"
and I use "Red!" to mean "I'm in trouble and I want everything to stop NOW, no more games, scene over, let me outta here!" Some people just have one flavor of safeword,
and use "aardvark" or some other weird word they'd never say in the context of a scene. At many parties, the universal safeword is "Safeword!" It's up to you. All it is
is a safety valve for when things get out of control. If your top doesn't respect your safeword, it's a safe bet that they won't respect other limits of yours, and you
will need to decide whether you want to play with someone who doesn't acknowledge your boundaries.
Using a safeword can be hard to do sometimes. It's important to realize that no one is perfect, and if you as top do something that squicks your bottom (i.e. pushes
beyond your bottom's limits--"squick" is a recent bit of s.s.b-b jargon), it doesn't mean you're a bad lover or a bad person. It only means that you ran into a limit
you didn't know was there, or you were tired or disconnected and not in tune with your bottom. It happens to everyone from time to time. If you as top feel burned out
and want to stop the scene suddenly, or you get a powerful reaction you weren't expecting and aren't sure how to continue, you can use a safeword too; safewords aren't
just for bottoms! If you as bottom feel like your top is pushing you, and you don't want to play anymore, it's not fun, that's when you want to use a safeword--your top
will be glad you used it to tell them where you were at.
A safeword is just a communication tool, nothing more, nothing less. If you're playing intensely, it may feel hard to stop the scene, to come back from the edge via a
safeword... but if you need to, that's what they're for. Some tops deliberately push their bottoms until their bottoms call safeword; this way, the bottom gets the
experience of using it. A safeword that's never used can seem unusable, which isn't a good property for a safeword.
Sometimes a top will want to gag you, whether because you're being too noisy or they want to increase your helplessness or you've been being impertinent or whatever.
You may still want a safeword to let the top know when a rope is too tight or the nipple clamps are pinching or whatever. Some people put a handkerchief in the bottom's
hand; if they let go and the handkerchief falls, they know there's something up. I personally use the old SOS signal: three loud yells spaced evenly; "Unh! Unh! Unh!"
No gag I've ever seen can stop
all
noise, and that signal works even if my hands are in mittens or a strait-jacket and unable to hold anything at all.
Before playing with someone, it's a good idea to negotiate, not only what safeword you want to use, but how you'll handle it if you need to use the safeword. When
you're just getting into SM, it's almost inevitable that some scenes will end prematurely or abruptly. If you acknowledge this possibility in advance, and talk about
what kinds of comforting or remedy you might like, it'll make recovering from a mishap a lot easier and more pleasant. And because a scene goes wrong is no reason to
think that you or your partner is fundamentally bad or untrustworthy--mistakes will happen. (If your partner doesn't want to hear your concerns about the mishap,
though, or if they belittle or deride your concerns, you may well be unable to avoid future mishaps. If your relationship doesn't learn from painful experience,
it may not be ready to handle doing SM. Of course, this kind of processing is a vital part of
every
healthy relationship, SM or not.)
Not every SM player uses safewords. Some people into SM don't find them useful for the style of play they prefer; more straightforward communication suffices for them.
Some partners find their need for a safeword gradually diminishes as they come to know each other better. Some people do SM in which the bottom doesn't
want
to have a verbal escape route, for the duration of the scene. (This "no-safeword" play is also sometimes called "edge play.") One thing that you will learn about
the BDSMLMNOP scene is that styles vary wildly, and peoples' experiences are astonishingly diverse. But for many people beginning their explorations (and many who've
explored enormously), safewords have proved very helpful.
When is pain not pain?
Often people outside the scene don't see the appeal in any of the things SM people do that look painful. What's enjoyable about being hit? Where's the fun in getting bruised?
Well, think about this. Have you ever had intense sex and afterwards noticed bite marks on your neck of which you had no memory? What happened was your love partner bit
you, HARD, hard enough that it bruised you, and all you felt was another jolt of pleasure. If they bit you that hard when you
weren't
having sex, you would scream "OUCH!!!" because it would hurt a lot! But when you are sexually aroused, your pain tolerance goes way up, and stimulation that
you usually feel as pain is now actually pleasurable.
This is common knowledge. Another usual explanation is that the brain produces endorphins, natural opiates, to compensate for pain. You actually get high off the sensation.
The "runner's high" comes from pushing the body painfully for so long that the endorphins kick in; the rush you get after eating chili peppers comes from the same
source; and that's what makes it enjoyable for SM players to be whipped or spanked or whatever. It's not pain, it's pleasure! All athletes that are "hooked on
exercise" are essentially masochists who enjoy stressing their bodies to get that chemical response. So your friend who enjoys being spanked may actually be a lot
less
masochistic than your average marathon runner!
For just this reason, one well-known local dominant uses pain as a reward, when she's topping a masochist. Pain as a punishment can have the reverse effect, when your bottom
likes
getting whipped!
Endorphins are by no means The Single Explanation for why masochists find intense sensation to be desirable. Not every masochist floats away blissfully while being
whipped, nor would they all even want to. The ways to experience intense sensation vary from dreamlike rush to stinging
ouch to irritating maddening burn to soothing warmth to tears-in-the-eyes throbbing... and whatever the sensation, there is likely someone who enjoys it.
Also, pain is a continuum. There are many different kinds of sensation that you can use in your lovemaking--light scratches with fingernails, open-hand spankings,
pinches, squeezes... there are many many ways to touch someone, and all of them can be enjoyable.
Different people enjoy different levels of sensation; "different strokes for different folks." What may be a wonderfully sensual caress to one person may be
practically unnoticeable to another, and what may be a delightful flogging to one person may be no fun AT ALL to someone else. Ongoing negotiation is the secret to finding
the happy medium.
Some people consider all this absurd. "How could you WANT pain?" The best answer I can give is that some people simply seem to be calibrated differently. They want
more
sensation; they find the intensity thrilling and exciting, whereas someone else might find it overpowering and agonizing. People like different amounts of spice in their
food; why not in their sexual encounters? Each person experiences sensation differently, and if you want more, there are safe ways for you to get it. Getting what you
want, safely, can make your life much happier.
(For much more about sensations and sensation play, I strongly recommend Pat Califia's book
Sensuous Magic. See the resource list at the end of this FAQ.
)
What are some basics of safe SM, emotionally and physically?
SM is often play, and as such is fun! But SM can also get intense and powerful. Here are some useful tips for people just getting started.
Emotional safety
First of all, communicate. Let your partner know what you want and don't want. Keep the dialogue going; watch your partner, be aware of what she or he is feeling and thinking,
and respect his or her limits. Establish a safeword, and make it very clear that it will be taken EXTREMELY seriously if used. DON'T assume that your partner shares a fantasy
of yours unless you've EXPLICITLY discussed it with them; just because someone likes being blindfolded doesn't mean they'll enjoy being tied up. And most important, give full
permission to both people playing to stop at any time for any reason; respect each other enough to commit to call a halt and work things out if something goes wrong.
Be sensitive. SM play, which can (doesn't have to! but can) involve helplessness, intense sensation, and psychological domination, is strong stuff; it can reach deeply
into someone's soul and bring up childhood traumas or hidden fears, without warning. Be aware that you are swimming in deep waters, and be respectful, loving, and careful.
Don't let this reality scare you away from SM, though, if you want to experiment; let it make you more aware and open to what both of you are feeling. Most of all, decide
for
yourself
whether SM (or elements of SM) has a place in your sex life; don't listen when someone
else
tells you "SM will be OK for you" or "SM will not be OK for you". Only you can make that decision.
Be honest. If you do not want to do something, don't let your partner
pressure you into it. When you begin exploring SM, you may often find yourself with a partner who wants something more than you have experience giving, or who's right now
in the mood for something that you're
not
in the mood for. In my experience, it's generally better to say, "Whoa, I think we're wanting different things. Let's talk." Doing a scene when you don't really want
to can result in anything from a lukewarm scene to something you just wish was over. There is plenty of time... honesty, and not pushing, will lay a foundation of trust
that will stand you in good stead later.
One especially charged kind of D/S play is dominance and submission, in which the bottom gives up some of their freedom of choice to the top, who can command them. Though
many people with strong boundaries can play like this perfectly safely (and indeed derive enormous happiness and satisfaction from doing it), this kind of play can carry
some real emotional risks for people with low self-esteem. The risk is that the dominant will wind up abusing their power, using the D/S dynamic to make the submissive feel
ever more worthless and powerless, and hence willing to let the dominant take over more of their independence.
If you have issues around your personal sense of self-worth, and if you feel that being submissive (albeit perhaps an enticing idea) might serve to confirm and consolidate
your negative self-image, you would do well to think hard about whether D/S play is for you at this stage of your life. The answer may well be "no." (And conversely, if you
are considering topping someone who wants to submit because they deserve no better, you might consider whether you want a partner who thinks so little of themselves.) In
general, it's imperative for everyone who does SM to look hard at their motivations and their boundaries, and to be clear on whether the SM (whatever form it may take) is
self-actualizing or self-destructive.
It may not be all black-and-white, either; there may be some particular activities or roles or words that will make you feel unsafe, scared, or worthless, and you may
well want to avoid those activities/roles/words. That is exactly what negotiation is for; you have the right to do what feels good to you and avoid what does not, and
you have the right to insist your partner respect your boundaries. (This goes for any relationship, of course, BDSM or no.) The discussion of "when do dom/sub relationships
become excessive or abusive" is an ongoing one on s.s.b-b, and for good reason; it's an important topic.
BDSM may at times be therapeutic, but it is in no sense a substitute for therapy. It's been said that "you can't take power from the powerless." A healthy D/S relationship
is grounded in mutual respect, and in the knowledge that both partners are choosing this life in a fully informed, non-coerced manner; the submissive is proud to submit,
and the dominant is proud to receive the gift of their submission. It is a very different thing from an abusive relationship in which one partner controls the other partner's
entire world, with the goal of making that partner irrevocably and helplessly dependent.
Physical safety
Back to the physical plane: If you are the top, and you are tying your bottom up, keep your attention on what you're doing. Your bottom is going to be blissing out; it's
up to you to see that they're comfortable and kept amused. The "amusement" can be as nasty as you please, but see that they don't get
bored;
that's seldom fun.) Indeed, if you as top really
are
displeased with your submissive for breaking an agreement the two of you had made, ignoring them or sending them away may be the harshest punishment you can administer.
But that's pretty advanced.)
Remember AIDS. Almost everything beyond closed-lips kissing and bare-skin contact is potentially unsafe, unless some kind of latex barrier is used. No unprotected contact
between any combination of fingers, genitals, mouth, and anus; use a latex dam (or saran wrap) for cunnilingus or rimming (i.e. oral-anal contact), gloves for manual
penetration, condoms on dildos and dicks. Use water-based lubricants such as ForPlay, Astroglide, Wet, KY Jelly; if the lube has nonoxynol-9 in it (which kills HIV),
all the better (but some people are allergic to nono-9, and Lord knows it tastes FOUL!). OILS AND OIL-BASED LUBES DISSOLVE LATEX; keep the mineral or massage oil away
from your gloves and condoms (and latex clothing for that matter!).
Blood, semen, female secretions, urine... all can carry HIV. Play hard, but play safe. (One interesting thing about SM is that it expands the range of safe ways for people
to pleasure each other! But it also expands the range of unsafe ways to play....) There are more safety tips, but if you want the in-depth skinny check some of the books at
the end.
Disinfect your SM equipment after play, by washing with a disinfectant solution. Betadine is probably the most commonly-used disinfecting agent, followed by Hibiclens.
Definitely disinfect dildos, sharp things, anything that penetrates or that could come in contact with blood. Disinfect whips and canes, if the scene has gotten heavy
enough to bruise. Rubbing alcohol is not as good at cleaning things as it is made out to be; use an agent with antibacterial properties.
Many tops come up with an SM safety kit, containing (among other things) such items as a flashlight, duplicate keys for
all
locks, bandage scissors (with one flat blade) for speedy bondage removal, a first aid kit with all the standard first aid items, disinfectant
(such as Bactine or Hibiclens) for toys which come in contact with bodily fluids, safer sex supplies (sometimes including several varieties
of lubricant--different people like different sorts), and so on. See
SM 101
(a book listed in the Resources section) for an excellent description of such a kit.
And there are some things that are commonly regarded as potentially too dangerous to do unless you've been taught by someone who knows. Suspension is one: there are
lots of things that can go wrong, and many of them can result in severe injury. Crucifixion is an especially hazardous form of suspension. And body piercing is also
not for the novice; it takes know-how and precision, and a mistake can result in a really big mess.
Fortunately, most SM activities, such as bondage, spanking, and teasing, are not nearly so severe; you can start out light and build up the intensity as far as you
both want to go. Pay attention to what you're doing and use common sense and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE! You will learn quickly
and you'll have fun all along the way, and soon you'll be places you'd only dreamt about!
Is everyone either a top or a bottom? What's a "switch"?
One perception that some people can have, looking into the scene from outside, is that people are either tops or bottoms. Either you like to dominate, or you like to be
dominated. And sometimes novices become confused, because they're excited by
both
possibilities.
The facts are, everyone is different, and everyone has their own preferences. I personally greatly enjoy topping my girlfriend, and also greatly enjoy submitting to her.
Some people
are
tops in every play situation, just as some are bottoms in every play situation--but I know people who top men but bottom to women, people who sometimes switch roles multiple
times within one date, and every other spectrum of possibility!
People who top are called "tops", people who bottom are called "bottoms", and people who switch back and forth between topping and bottoming are called "switches". A switch
can be a top in one scene and a bottom in another. Some people switch back and forth often; others switch only between scenes, but retain one role throughout any individual
scene; others switch only very seldom with people that they trust very deeply; and still others never switch at all.
If you do switch, and you're not sure which role you want, you can play with that question in itself. Whole scenes can revolve around the "who's on top?" question. Maybe
you can have a wrestling match, and the person who gets pinned first will wind up being tied up. Maybe you can set a timer, and when the timer dings, it's time to switch
positions! There are as many possibilities as your imagination can dream of!
Then again, maybe only one side of the balance holds any appeal for you, and in that case, you'll want to play with folks who have little desire for
your
side... it takes all kinds, and all kinds are out there.
It is also the case that there is no necessary relation between whether someone is dominant or submissive in everyday life and whether they are a top or a bottom. Some
of the most domineering executives secretly love being abased and abused... it's a chance for them to lose control, to give up responsibility. And some of the most quiet,
meek, shy-looking people you've ever seen turn into demonic geniuses of pain and pleasure when given someone to play with.
It's not at all unheard of for someone who's done only one thing (for example, bottoming) to one day start feeling the urge to top, or vice versa. People change,
preferences change, it's nothing unusual. This, though, leads into the next question....
How can I learn to be a good top?
When first getting into the scene, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here's this wonderful person,
who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they're helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust... and now what do you do?
Play with them! There are all kinds of common objects that produce intense and enjoyable sensations when applied to a helpless lover. Combs for dragging across the skin,
feathers for tickling a frantic foot, clothespins (use a couple or use many in artistic rows--these can be as intense as you want to make them!), ice cubes, chocolate syrup,
strawberries (ever see 9 1/2 Weeks?), leather belts for slapping or spanking, hairbrushes for scuffing or beating, and of course your own fingers, mouth, genitals, and
everything else. Enjoy taking your time with your willing victim; drive them to distraction, then bring them to the edge of ecstasy, then back off and make them beg
for more!
Remember, you can set the mood as you wish. You can be playful, amused at your own ineptitude even while your bottom is moaning with desire. You can be stern and commanding,
sympathetic but nasty, jolly yet sadistic--anything you please. As long as you focus your attention on your bottom, your bottom will have a great time! Relax, go with the flow,
and if you stop enjoying it, call safeword--tops can use safewords too.
Of course, there's no need to feel like you need to put all your attention into pleasing your bottom; what's a good slave for if not for pleasing their master? I've several
times played with my girlfriend and used her for my own selfish pleasure, giving little attention to hers--and she loved it! But there is no doubt that with pleasure it is
as good to give as to receive. Just remember, communicate, be sensitive to what your bottom is feeling, and you'll have no problem.
The one thing that is quite important to remember as a top is that you are responsible for your bottom. As you begin playing with SM, you may well be placing your bottom
in situations in which he or she is physically helpless and/or emotionally vulnerable. It is important that you recognize they are placing a great deal of trust in you,
and in your ability to handle any situations that may come up. If you're in the middle of a hot scene, and suddenly someone unexpectedly bangs on the door, you may both
be startled and shocked--but your bottom will be immediately looking to you for protection. If something happens that you didn't expect, take care of your bottom
first
--reassure them that you're not going to let anything happen to them, and then deal with the problem calmly and sensitively.
And don't be limited by preconceptions of what you "ought" to be doing, or worries about how you're not topping "correctly". If you start to feel pressured or insecure,
take a step back, and ask yourself what
you
want out of the scene. Sometimes, when I've been bottoming for my girlfriend, she hasn't been in the mood to play with me sexually--so she made me her slave and commanded me
to... bathe her and wash her! This was lots of relaxed fun for both of us, and it let her unwind enough to keep playing the way
she
wanted to play. Be honest, not only with your bottom, but with yourself. And if you are in the middle of a scene, and suddenly your honesty says "I don't want to be doing
this" or "I don't know what my partner wants, or even what I want," then by all means stop the scene--gracefully if possible. Better that than for the scene to drag on until
both of you are sick of it.
If you still don't have any ideas, and if your bottom is really hot to trot, you can always start playing with your bottom and getting them excited in whatever way you
know how, and demand that they tell you a fantasy of theirs, or you'll stop. Talking dirty to each other--trading hot fantasies, knowing that you can make then happen if
you want to--is the best way I know of getting ideas for scenes. This actually goes for ALL sexual play, whether it involves SM or not!
If you want detailed descriptions of positions, possible scenes, and so forth, you would do well to find a copy of
Sensual Magic
or
SM 101.
See the resource list at the end of the third part of this FAQ (and order some mail-order catalogs of SM books; lots of ideas!). Or, post with your questions to
soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm, asking for any and all suggestions.
How can I learn to be a good bottom?
It can also be hard to learn to bottom, if what you're used to is topping. Giving up control, surrendering, can be a difficult thing, when you're used to holding the
reins in your hands. If you find yourself manipulating your top, trying to coerce them into giving you what you want, then you're what is called a "pushy bottom"
--a bottom who is not really submitting, but just trying to turn the situation around to the way they want it to go.
Some tops get off on bottoms who are defiant or subtly disobedient, and use it as an excuse to punish; but for other tops, especially inexperienced ones, it can be
anything but fun. Making your top feel like they don't know what they're doing is no fun for either of you; I know, I've been there, as the pushy bottom. The solution?
The next time you play, tell yourself that you are the top's property, that their will is yours, and that your deepest desire is to please them. Before, if they did
something you didn't like, you might have suggested they try it another way; now, they are doing exactly what they want to be doing, and you are grateful they're doing
it. Let go of your urges to be in control; surrender to them, and let them have their way with you. I guarantee you will have a lot more fun than when you were trying
to top from the bottom--I know I did!
If you are still not quite getting what you want, as a bottom, this solution may not last very long; you will probably want to talk to your top about what your needs
and desires are, and about how you can both have fun getting to them. But the time to negotiate about what your bottom fantasies are, and how you might want to
manifest them, is not necessarily while you're in the middle of a scene which you've pre-negotiated. Don't get into the "Oh, yes, Mistress, anything you want--um,
uh, Mistress, you're not quite doing it right!" trap. (Can you tell I speak from experience here?)
Relax, and respond. Quite often a top will enjoy topping you because of your reactions--the way you wriggle, and squirm, and cry out. If you clench every muscle and
strive to endure without giving
any
sign that you're feeling anything, your top may get frustrated with the lack of feedback. Let yourself feel. And don't hold your breath! Or rather, don't forget to breathe.
(If, of course, you
negotiated
a "stoic endurance" scene, that's different. But don't feel you
have
to act that way. I like it when my bottoms struggle--they have a safeword if they need it....)
Of course, nothing is cut-and-dried; just because you're on the bottom doesn't mean you're a puppet. But there is a big difference between being open and communicative,
and trying to force things in your preferred direction. A good bottom is one who is enthusiastic, devoted to their top's pleasure, willing to surrender to their top's
will, open about their own desires (in a respectful manner, of course), and happy to be bottoming.
There's a piece of common wisdom that's been around the scene for a long time, which is: the best tops are those who started at the bottom. I believe it's true. If you
have been there, felt the bite of the whip, struggled to get free as you were brought slowly and teasingly to orgasm, tranced out as the sensation from the clothespins
washed over and through you... then you will be much better able to guide someone else through that intensely magical space as a top, because you will literally have been
there. Plus, starting as a bottom means you'll pick up a lot of hands-on (if you will) experience! (And as with any generalized statement about SM, there are plenty of
people whose mileage varies; bottoms who've never topped and never want to, or tops who've never gone under and are still damn good. But even such tops often experiment
with sensations on themselves before trying them with their bottoms.)
Is BDSM sexual?
This is one of those troublingly general questions that simply begs for a flame war.
There is no shortage of kinky people who get turned on by kinky behavior. There is also no shortage of kinky people that don't. And then there are the kinky people who
find some kinks sexy and others not, no way, no how, are you kidding??? And then there are the kinky people who find some kinks erotic in fantasy only, but who would never
like them in reality. Not to mention the kinky people who don't think that other kinky people could possibly find some particular kinks erotic, or not erotic. And then how
much plain old sex gets blended into the kinky behaviors--or what kinky behaviors people consider to be sex in the first place--is another colossal variable.
So the answer is, yes, sometimes, for some people!
Next question? :-)
Why is bondage fun?
Lots of reasons. For many people, the knowledge that they are helpless, that someone else can do things with their body and they can't prevent them, is a powerful turn-on.
"I'm going to make you come and there's nothing you can do about it." It's a very strong statement of trust to let someone bind you helplessly, or even non-helplessly. How
erotic, to feel yourself spread open, wanton and wet, and to see your lover kneeling between your legs, ready to use you for their pleasure--or to pleasure you unendurably...
For others, the simple sensation of bondage feels good. Tight constriction can create very intense stimulation, and lots of tight bondage can be a sensory trip, just as
a whipping scene can be. Bondage can feel comforting, pleasantly confining; you don't need to worry about anything, since what can you do? You're all tied up, and all that's
left is to enjoy.
For yet others, it's a charge to struggle, to let your body lose control. It can really intensify an orgasm when you come with every muscle straining against your bonds,
trying to get your hands free to smash your lover's face into your crotch, your body shaking. If you weren't tied down you'd hurt yourself!
For me, it's all three of these reasons :-)
An especially intense form of bondage is verbal bondage: putting your bottom in some position (spread-eagled, kneeling, whatever) and commanding them not to move... and
then tormenting them! One kinky variation on this is as follows: have your bottom hold their hands out in front of them, fingers splayed, each fingertip touching the opposite
fingertip. Put a penny between each pair of fingertips so they're holding five pennies. Now order them not to let a single one drop, on pain of some punishment or other, and
then go to work! This works best on a hard floor so you can hear the coin drop.
There are a bunch of common-sense things to know about if you want to get into bondage. Most of these are pretty obvious, but they're stated here because that's what a
FAQ's for! The basic idea, though, is to experiment. The first few times you won't really know what you're doing, and that's fine! Take your time trying different positions,
different kinds of rope, whatever. And if you've got a new idea that you want to try out before your big date... well, why not try it on yourself? If you can get into
a position comfortably, you can probably make your bottom comfortable in that position!
Make sure your bottom's extremities don't start getting cold or turning blue; those are both sure signs that blood isn't flowing the way it ought to, and that isn't what
you want to have happen. If your bottom's hands are bound inside mittens or some other place that's not accessible to you, ask them to wiggle their fingers or toes or
whatever and see if they're losing any feeling. It can be tricky to tie someone up without making it too tight; in general, a good rule is to tie loosely with lots of
turns of rope. You can tighten such a tie with just another turn around all the rest, and it can be a real drag to have a bottom's foot fall asleep in the middle of a
scene; this kind of thing can feel very annoying and distracting, and can make it hard for your bottom to concentrate on what you are making them feel.
Silk scarves, bandannas, etc. also have this problem with tightening under tension; sometimes they get so tight they have to be cut off. If you're a novice, you may
want to avoid these hassles by purchasing a pair of basic ankle and wrist cuffs (in leather, velcro, or whatever) at an adult toy store; and if you get embarrassed,
remember the old standby excuse: "It's a gag wedding gift!"
Handcuffs are sexy, but they can also be a pain. Shoddy cuffs (the kind you buy at the sporting goods store) are liable to break while being worn--then you have to file
them off. If you want to play with handcuffs, get a good quality pair; the usual brand is Peerless, and they'll cost about $30, with a double lock so you can snap them
on and then lock them so they won't get tighter under pressure (as cheap cuffs will). Handcuffs are also bare metal, and aren't good to struggle against, as they can
easily pinch nerves... padded, buckling bondage cuffs are better for those sorts of games.
Do not leave a bound person alone. Though it is a hot fantasy to tie someone up in some precarious position (possibly with vibrators or other devices buzzing away)
and leave them to stew, in reality you must consider: what if the house is burgled? catches on fire? earthquake? any sort of emergency? Fun is fun, but a helpless
person is just that: helpless. A willing partner is too precious to take risks with.
Be very careful about tying anything around the neck; anything that puts any pressure AT ALL on the front of the neck can lead to unconsciousness quickly, as the
carotid arteries go right to the brain. Likewise be careful with gags or things tied in the mouth; as well as restricting breathing, they can trigger a gag reflex,
which could be really nasty if the bottom can't get the gag out. See another question on safewords for use while gagged.
Also, be aware that if someone is standing for any length of time in any sort of tight bondage, it can lead to less circulation to their head; if you suddenly do
something intense to that person, it may trigger a headrush which could easily result in a faint. Always use hooks which can be released instantly even with the
bottom's full weight on them (these are sometimes called "panic snaps" and can be found in good hardware stores), and keep a pair of bandage scissors handy in case
ropes or straps need to be cut loose.
Be careful what you tie your bottom to; if an exposed water pipe is handy, be aware it may heat up. Likewise with candles; be careful when you're waving flame around
someone who's bound, as they can't flinch the way unbound people can.
If you don't have anything handy to tie someone to, you can always tie their wrists behind their back and then to their waist. Or if your bed doesn't have any posts, you
can wrap ropes around the legs of the bed and spread-eagle your bottom that way. In general, there are a million ways to tie someone up, and a little practice--on your
bottom or on yourself!--will let you improvise in almost any situation.
Below I list a few sorts of common bondage devices mentioned here in stories and postings. If you read a term here which you don't understand, write me and I'll add
a description.
Mummification or Cocooning: About the most complete form of bondage is to wrap someone up so they are completely immobile. The most popular way to mummify someone is
with plastic wrap. A common technique is to wrap each limb separately, then wrap the arms to the sides, and then wrap the legs together--and then help the bottom lie
down on an adjacent soft surface. You can then cut holes (carefully!) to access any especially sensitive areas, or wrap duct tape over it all for extra security, or
add gags, blindfolds, etc. One way the body releases heat is by sweating, and while mummified you can't sweat too much, so make sure your bottom doesn't overheat--and
have a blanket ready to cover them with when you cut them out of their cocoon, using the bandage scissors (obtainable from medical supply stores--one flat blade makes
cutting easier) which you of course have ready to hand. And as always, monitor your bottom very carefully; they are helpless, and your neglect or inattention could spell
disaster.
Hoods: Many leather stores and artisans make bondage hoods. These are typically constricted of leather or rubber. Some have simple zippers, and you zip them up to
secure them. Others have laces on the back and/ or the sides, to enable the hood to be laced more tightly, for greater bondage effect. Some hoods have eye holes,
some don't. Some hoods have mouth holes, some don't. Some deluxe hoods have built-in earmuffs or even space for earphones, for sensory deprivation. Almost all
hoods have nose holes, for obvious reasons. Hoods can restrict a bottom's breathing quite seriously, and tops must remain continually aware of their bottom's
condition while their bottom is wearing a hood--especially if the hood is combined with any form of gag. Do not leave a hooded bottom alone; breathing difficulty
can come on quickly. Some people believe that any hood without a zipper or other extra-quick-release mechanism is too dangerous to use on a bottom. In any case,
you should have some bandage scissors at the ready if the hood needs to be removed in a big hurry.
Bodybags: If you like being bound, the ultimate extreme is bondage which encompasses your entire body, leaving you with no motion whatever. Bondage bodybags (or
"sleepsacks") resemble a well-tailored, snug sleeping bag, often made out of leather or spandex. Spandex bodybags are the least expensive, and if made from heavy
enough spandex can be very restrictive indeed. Often bodybags have an opening at the upper end, through which you slide your feet, pulling the bag up to your neck.
Many have other openings for genitals or nipples, so your botttom can be pleasured or tortured while immobile. Leather bodybags can be arbitrarily complex (and
expensive); some have built-in internal arm sleeves to further minimize motion, or suspension straps so the bag, bottom and all, can be lifted into the air. Some
have laces around the outside so the bag can be cinched to a downright painful tightness. If you REALLY have money to burn, you can even get inflatable rubber
bodybags--get in it and pump it up, and float away! Caveats about breathing and quick-release apply here as well.
Hobble skirts: Fetish clothing is often designed not just to look good and feel good, but to act almost as bondage in its own right. Hobble skirts are a perfect
example: they are simply skirts which fit very snugly from waist down to ankles. Often the wearer can take steps of only a few inches while wearing the skirt
(thus the term "hobble skirt"). When combined with a pair of high heels, these skirts can be almost totally immobilizing, even without any other bondage. Leather
or rubber are (again) the typical materials, though some dedicated tailors make their own from velvet or satin or other sensuous materials.
Armbinders: Restraints, typically leather, that bind both arms behind the back. Some resemble large gloves that pull up over both arms and buckle around the shoulders.
Others are straps that go down the middle of the back and have attached wrist cuffs. In general, there are lots of kinds of bondage gear, and you can even invent your own....
Why is whipping fun?
One way of thinking about whipping is as another way of touching someone. People who are just getting into SM frequently play with spanking; it's fun to be spanked!
It's a punishment, it's a strong stimulus, it hurts very pleasurably. But if you've ever spanked anyone for a long time you know that your spanking hand wears out
quickly!
Well, that's what whips are for--to allow you to hit someone for a longer time, without tiring out. There are many varieties of whips (cat-o-nine tails, heavy floggers,
canes, light braided switches, suede pussy whips, and on and on), all of which feel very different and which have their own individual effect. A whip-loving top will
often carry a veritable arsenal of different floggers, but they are all extensions of the top's touch. Indeed, when I whip or cane someone, I feel as though I
am touching them--as though the instrument is an extension of my arm and my desire.
There are deeper reasons why the variety is so diverse. A whipping scene will often start off very lightly, with the top using a small whip to sensitize the bottom and
get them into the rhythm of the scene, switching to heavier and heavier whips as the bottom gets deeper and deeper, more and more receptive to additional sensation. Of
course, the top may choose to lead the bottom on any kind of tactile journey the top desires--switching from stinging light switches to biting canes to soft fleeces.
(Yes, it can feel GREAT when your top stops hitting you and suddenly brushes a velvet cloth against your back! Or maybe an ice cube....) It's all about physical
sensation.
Quite often people in the scene describe whips as being "thuddy" or "stingy". Thuddy whips land with a solid impact; they shove you, they feel like a cross between a
hug and a punch. Stingy whips land with a bite; they feel like a cross between a scratch and a slap. Both kinds of sensation are enjoyable in different ways, and a
skilled top can alternate thud and sting (and then some!) to create waves of sensation that wash their bottom into ecstasy.
Most people enjoy a slow buildup when being whipped. This can culminate in an explosive climax of impacts, leaving both top and bottom drained and delighted. Or it
can wind down gently, ending casually. Or it can stop feeling good suddenly, resulting in a safweord. Or it can turn into a galloping intense sex scene! But the general
"start slow, build up, end intensely" tempo is common to many SM scenes: from gentle to stronger to WOW and then back to gentle, then a little stronger, then WOW!!...
and gentle again. It's the motion of the ocean, as they say. It takes practice to know how to use this to blow your bottom's mind, but the more you learn, the more
skilled you will be, and believe me, these skills-- teasing your partner and making them feel better and better and BETTER --are very useful in non-SM contexts as well!
Whips aren't the end of the story. Some people use paddles--of leather or wood, sometimes with holes cut in them to decrease air resistance and make for a harder impact.
Paddles produce a solid "smack!" which can feel like a super-powerful spanking. Some players like canes, which can be thick or thin, stiff or relatively flexible. Canes
can produce some of the strongest impacts of all--the "whick!" of a quick-moving cane is distinctive. Not everyone can handle the intensely focused pain canes can produce,
but those who can tend to greatly enjoy it. Wooden spoons and kitchen spatulas have been pressed into service as instruments of flagellation. For a while, Nerf bats were
very popular in some San Francisco parties I went to. (Bonk!) If none of this makes any sense to you, well, if you have to ask, you might not understand.
Whipping or spanking is sometimes used as part of a "punishment" scene, in which the pretext for the scene is that the bottom has been disobedient or naughty in some
way which requires chastisement. This can be fun to do as role-playing, but it may not work in a more long-term D&S dynamic. Bottoms often find it erotic to receive
non-damaging sensation from their top--and of course any scene causing permanent damage is not safe nor sane. If your bottom learns that the best way to get enjoyably
beaten is to misbehave, you will have a very bad bottom on your hands. It is often then best to separate "play" punishments--which are intended to be fun-- from "real"
punishments involving seriously broken agreements. Here is where reality and fantasy need to be delicately separated, and here is where the real world differs from
S&M fiction.
When whipping someone, be careful. Heavy whipping is usually done on the back or ass, simply because those are the parts of the body which can take it most readily.
Be careful of hitting the spine, which can break the skin where the vertebrae come close to the surface. Stay away from the kidneys, as kidney damage can occur if you
hit them too hard. Stay away from the neck, for the same reasons you avoided the spine.
Be aware that if you hit someone hard enough (which may be lighter than you'd think) you will bruise them, and if you keep going you can break the skin, which is
decidedly unsafe sex; and leather or string whips are tough to clean. For this reason, some dedicated masochists have their own toys which have come in contact with
their blood, and henceforth can be used only on them. Whippings like this are very strenuous, but as with all SM, you can start out light and get only as heavy as
you want! Bruises will heal (even large ones), as will light cuts or abrasions, but you should know how to avoid unintended damage that won't be so accommodating.
One thing to watch for (a distant risk, but worth knowing): melanoma, a form of skin cancer, can be worsened by skin trauma. If you see a mole on your bottom's back
that looks uneven, discolored, or different than it used to, avoid that area, and have them see a dermatologist.
There have been posts on s.s.b-b that go into MUCH more detail about the hows and whys of flogging. If you want to know more, post to s.s.b-b and ask, or check out
the resources. (This FAQ is not intended to be comprehensive in every area... though it would be nice....)
What is body piercing? What is "C&B" play, or "genitorture"?
Piercings aren't just done to ears. People on this list have their nipples, navels, eyebrows, clitoris hoods, penises, labia, and other body parts pierced, and bits of
metal permanently in the piercings. These are the bare facts, but this practice, it turns out, has a lot to do with SM.
Getting a piercing, first of all, is an incredibly intense rush, on a purely physical level. It's a very powerful thing to willingly have someone push a sharp piece of
metal through your body. It can be a level of sensation beyond any you've experienced in your life.
Once you have the piercing, it can completely change the way that part of the body feels to you. One friend of mine said that his nipple piercings turned his nipples from
little places that felt OK to full-fledged erotic zones connected right to his cock. He calls his nipple piercings the best thing he's ever done for his body and his sex
life, and he seems damn sincere! The same goes for all the piercings in the genital area; they can really make sex more fun.
There is some medical evidence that nerves around the pierced location become much more sensitive, so this isn't mere folklore. In case it wasn't clear, once a piercing
heals, it doesn't hurt at all; quite the opposite!
Some people get into play piercings, which are done temporarily with very thin needles, which are removed at the end of the scene. This is basically another kind of
sensory trip, which some find very enjoyable. The needles don't
hurt,
exactly, but you certainly do know they're in there, and they sure do get those endorphins pumping!
You don't want to try permanent piercings unless you've been personally trained by a professional; there is a lot of knowledge involved, and you definitely don't want to
get stuck with a bad piercing. Play piercings are less hardcore, but you still want to make sure you know sterile technique (remember safe sex!).
Does nipple piercing cause problems with nursing? Sometimes yes, sometimes no; there are stories both ways. There are many milk ducts in an average nipple, so the
chances are good that nursing can still happen, but nothing is certain.
For more information about piercings, see rec.arts.bodyart (or possibly later editions of this FAQ).
"C&B play" stands for cock & ball play. "Genitorture" stands for "genital torture". This is a subject that makes some men clutch their nuts and run in fear,
and makes other men instantly erect and greedy for more. The male genitals are at once the most vulnerable and most sensitive part of the male body, so of course many
tops enjoy playing with them.
Cockrings are rings that go around your cock, typically around the base of it, behind the balls. The penis becomes erect when the blood vessels at its base constrict
(because of arousal), trapping blood in the cock and causing it to swell. Cock rings have a similar effect, prolonging erection in most men that use them. (They also
constrict the urethra, which will make any orgasm more painful, or even cause ejaculate to back up into the bladder. This is not dangerous unless done repeatedly.
Experiment to find out how much tightness is too much.)
Most are made of leather, with adjustable snaps, so you can tighten or loosen them to fit (as well as remove them easily). Some are made of rubber. Some are even made
of metal, but metal ones can be hazardous; if you put a too-small one on your non-erect cock, your cock may become so erect that you can no longer remove it--and if
it is too tight, it will prevent your cock from softening. This may involve a trip to the emergency room and the use of bolt cutters. No joke.
Some cock rings have multiple rings, for behind the balls, around the balls themselves, and around the base of the shaft. Some people like using
lots
of cock rings, to stretch the balls out away from the body.
Safety tips: The broadest guideline is to go slowly until you know how much you can take. If the pain from a particular activity starts to spread into other areas of
the body, or if the pain lasts for a long time after the stimulation ends, you have probably gone beyond your limits. You won't reach this point generally if you take
your time. As with any SM practice, if you find yourself in pain later, or if you notice any abnormalities in your cock or balls when flaccid or erect, see a doctor.
Of course, avoid any practice that seriously wrenches or twists the genitals; there are many ligaments and blood vessels in there, damage to which may make it hard
for you to get hard. But the cock and balls can handle light whipping or slapping, provided it is done with care.
Of course, cock and ball bondage can be done with leather strips, ribbons, velvet cords, etc. Be as ornamental as you please; tying up an erect cock can create a
luscious work of art, and teasing it can be even more artistic. Don't expect C&B bondage to keep a cock hard indefinitely; cocks will usually get soft if not
stimulated, and bondage which
will
keep it hard may be dangerously tight. In any event, be sure you can remove your bondage quickly, as always.
A great deal can also be done with female genitalia. Some women love having clothespins on their pussy lips; some love light whipping on their outer labia, or even their
clitoris. Sometimes body piercings can be used for bondage; labia piercings can hold a pussy open very delightfully, or clit hood piercings can be tied up out of the way
with thread, leaving the clit naked and exposed. Some women like soft fur on their pussy; others like to be alternately soothed and tormented until they can stand no more.
Again, go slowly. Do NOT blow into the vagina, whatever else you do. Don't leave clamps on very long until you know how much your partner enjoys (and how it will feel
to her the next day when the scene is over). Too much of one kind of sensation can become irritating quickly; change the stimulation, keep your bottom aroused and surprised.
There are all
sorts
of things that can be used on female genitals; one article I have lists "bamboo skewers, candles, cheese graters, clips, flyswatter, ice cubes, knives, latex squares,
leather thongs, massage bongers, rabbit fur, ropes, scalp scrubber, silk, spoons, towels, weights, and whips" as items that can be useful in giving your bottom's genitals
a ride they won't forget. (And no, you don't do this until you cause real damage, any more than you do with male genitals. Don't be scraping, scabbing, or scarring--these
are the most sensitive parts of the body you're playing with!)
Communication is paramount in female genital play; women's pussies vary as much as any other part of women's bodies (or more), and responses will vary equally dramatically.
In general, the same sort of rhythm discussed in the whipping section is useful in cunt play, though if anything the top needs to go even more slowly, as the sensations will
be more intense and focused than in almost any other kind of sensation scene.
One final tidbit: apparently, for many women, a common pre-orgasmic response is for the clit to retreat into its hood. If you are giving your partner some very delicious
sensation (possibly combined with some just-right pain) and her clit disappears, DON'T STOP! (Unless you
want
to avoid her orgasm... don't push this too far, unless your bottom's feet are tied down--she may kick.) And know your limits; if your bottom really wants an orgasm to end
the scene, giving her one may make her EXTREMELY grateful to you, and waiting
too
long may burn you both out. This is good stuff to negotiate about beforehand in any scene--how would you like the scene to end? Breaking such an agreement will engender
mistrust, but honesty, as always, will help everyone get what they want.
What is cutting/play piercing/burning/branding/electrical play? What are "bloodsports"?
First questions first. Cutting is the SM practice of using a scalpel or other fine blade to make shallow cuts in the top layer of your partner's skin. Play piercing is
using very fine needles to pierce your partner temporarily, removing the needles at scene's end. Burning is using high temperatures somehow in an SM scene; note that the
goal here is to play with heat, not to actually burn your partner, since burns are not friendly injuries to heal. Branding is, well, branding--using small, shaped, highly
heated pieces of metal to burn small scars into a partner's skin. Electrical play is playing with electricity. And finally, "bloodsports" is a generic name for any SM
practice that involves blood.
Obviously, all these SM practices are potentially very very dangerous, as any of these things, done wrong, could result in permanent
injury. Properly done, none of these practices result in any damage that requires more than minor first aid to clean up and cope with. Also,
I cannot give enough information in this FAQ to explain how to do these practices safely.
You need to learn from an experienced top, and you need to see it done in person, before you will really know how to play this way with your partners. That said, onward
we go with a feeble attempt to cover some of the groundwork.
First, cutting and bloodsports. The ground rules: cleanliness and safety. Most cutters I've seen use rubbing alcohol to clean off the surface of the skin, followed by
Betadine to disinfect the skin area on which they're going to cut. The top wears latex gloves to minimize contact with their partner's blood--remember, blood carries HIV,
and cutting (bloodsports in general, actually) involves blood. The usual instrument for cutting is a surgical scalpel, which is sharp enough to make a smooth, clean cut;
using duller blades can leave a ragged cut which doesn't heal as well. Cuts are made on areas of the body where the skin is not stretched tight; for example, the shoulder
blade, or the buttock, or the front of the thigh (though this can be problematic). Cuts are NOT made anywhere that the skin becomes taut, since such places won't heal
well (the cut'll keep getting pulled open). Only one layer of skin is cut--the very topmost layer. Deeper cuts don't heal well. And cuttings generally don't form loops, as
the skin in the center of the loop can be cut off from its blood supply. When the cutting is complete, the whole area is generally bandaged.
Are you getting the extent of the possible screwups in a cutting scene? It's definitely as edge-y as edge play gets! If you want to know more, see
The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual (in the resource list at the end of part 3). The best safety advice:
be taught by someone who knows how to do cuttings safely.
Play piercings are a milder (somewhat) form of bloodsports. Again, the bottom's skin must be cleaned, and the top must wear latex gloves. The needles used are sterile
surgical needles available from medical supply stores or serious SM shops. The top pinches up a bit of skin (right around the nipples is one favored area), and slides
the needle through. Each needle doesn't necessarily hurt that much, but your nerves definitely know it's there, and the endorphins start to flow
very quickly. After a while, the needles are removed and put into a disposable sharps container, and the
bottom gets bandaids if any are needed--generally the holes are small enough that they clot immediately. Again, the best way to learn this is from
someone else who knows how, personally.
There are other forms of bloodsports. I've seen one scene in which a top (after cleaning their bottom's skin and donning the requisite latex gloves) used a syringe
to draw some of their bottom's blood, then fed their bottom their own blood. This scene was as hardcore as bloodsports gets, yet was (as far as I could see) very safe
from the standpoint of AIDS transmission. And I can only assume that that top had had some medical training--I will not even BEGIN to talk about safety considerations
for drawing blood, since I have no idea what they are.
Now, on to burning--actually, temperature play in general. Molten wax can be mild or intense. The higher you hold the candle, the cooler the drops will be--to a
certain extent. They'll definitely make your bottom yelp no matter what! Don't use beeswax candles, though--they melt at a much higher temperature. If you like
hot wax, you might like ice cubes, too....
Branding is an extreme form of temperature play. There are only a few people nationwide who do a lot of branding; Fakir Musafar, in the San Francisco area, is
one. His magazine
Body Play
has some great articles about branding techniques. Basically, short curved pieces of metal are heated with a blowtorch, then pressed into the skin so as to make an ornamental
burn. I really don't know much more about the safety concerns or possible snafus, so I'll mention no more here. Don't go off half-cocked and try ANY of these practices
without doing the legwork yourself to talk to experienced players.
Electrical play is using electricity of one form or another to generate sensation. This is another advanced form of play which can be fatal (lethal, deadly, murderous)
if done improperly. Any electrical play that involves current flowing through the body should ONLY BE DONE BELOW THE WAIST; any current above the waist or through the
heart can induce immediate cardiac arrest.
There are two main kinds of electrical toys I've seen. One is a TENS unit (Trans-Electric Nerve Stimulator, or something like that); these units typically are battery-powered,
with control of pulse intensity and pulse frequency, and two leads that can be attached to electric cock rings, dildoes, or what have you. These can produce sensations
ranging from a mild tingle to a thrilling trembling buzz to a serious jolt. Remember, below the waist only! And I wouldn't even use any such unit unless its sole power
source was a 9V (or weaker) battery; no way am I letting anything plugged into a wall socket send power through my body!
The other sort of toy is known as a "violet wand"; these rather resemble hand-held power tools with little glass bulbs sticking out of one end. When turned on,
the bulb glows violet and crackles; touching it will cause static sparks to jump to your skin, with an associated "zap!" and a sharp shock. These do not send
current through the body, and are safe for use anywhere except the eyes or major nerve clusters (i.e. the top of the spine)--though prolonged use will burn the skin.
If you look at all this and go, "WHY would anyone do that?"--well, if you have to ask, you'll never understand :-) The key thing to remember here is that SM is
all about intense sensation, and all these practices can certainly produce a lot of that! As always, be aware of what you're doing and why you're doing it.
It's certainly possible to do all these things in an unhealthy (physically or psychologically) way; but it's also possible to do them in healthy ways, if that's your true
desire.
What is it about breath control? Is it safe to make someone pass out?
Some people enjoy playing with cutting off their air during heavy scenes. This can be as simple as squeezing someone's neck while you kiss them deeply, or as complex
as a full-head latex hood and gas mask over a straitjacket. As your air is cut off, you can feel sensation more intensely; it is also a deeply intimate thing to allow
someone else to be in control of the very air you breathe. One simple explanation is that the body's natural reaction as orgasm approaches is shallow, rapid breathing--just
like in breath control.
Needless to say, there are many things that can go very wrong; if you pass out and someone isn't there to cut you loose and make sure you're breathing, you can die. Not
for novices. One simple way to start is to try squeezing your lover's neck gently as you make love to them. If it feels good, they will let you know, most demonstratively.
And you can stop instantly just by letting go. In
any
form of breath control, it is critical that all equipment be fail-safe, and that the bottom's breathing is only impaired by the top's
direct
action--not by anything (noose, gas mask, etc) that would continue to obstruct air if the top (for example) fainted suddenly.
Many people die each year practicing "autoerotic asphyxiation"--wherein someone will masturbate while restricting their own breathing, and one night they wait
too long to take the bag off their head or release the pressure on their neck, and they black out and die. Some think, "Well, just play with a partner, then,
if you want to black out." However, losing consciousness, even for a moment,
can
trigger cardiac arrest. This is why making your bottom black out is almost certainly a much riskier idea than you would think.
The same goes for anesthesia. Sometimes people think, "Hmm, it'd be hot if I could drug my play partner--like in the movies--and she'd wake up all bound!"
Even if your play partner likes this idea, don't do it. There is no safe way to force someone into unconsciousness; anesthesiologists spend their lives learning
how to do it, with the best equipment, and still mishaps occur. Don't play with ether, or chloroform, or suffocation to unconsciousness... unless you and your partner
really want to take a substantial risk of death. More experienced people than you have died.
What are "golden showers"? How about "scat"?
Another kind of play, also known as "water sports". Basically, some people enjoy urinating on their lovers, or having their lovers piss on them. Pissing is
really a very intimate thing; your urine is a part of you, it's warm and wet, it feels good to let it out, it comes from your genitals. Some get a thrill of power from
having someone bound beneath them who can do nothing but take it as the shower lets loose; others get off on being made to pee, to wet their pants, it's naughty and they
need to be punished for it.
Safety-wise, urine is essentially sterile; it's not necessarily free of HIV, so it's not safer sex to drink someone else's urine. Also, urine contains mostly salts that
your body is trying to eliminate, so drinking it again will strain your kidneys. If you're drinking urine, make sure to drink lots of water as well.
Some people are into scat play, which is playing with shit. I don't know any who are, but they're out there. Scat is obviously even less safe than water sports;
in particular, hepatitis and intestinal parasites can be spread by oral contact with even a tiny bit of feces. People who enjoy rimming (oral-anal contact) should
be aware of this, and clean themselves VERY thoroughly at the least, although even thorough cleaning will not eliminate all risk. For more on this, see the next
question.
Is anal sex safe? Why do people do it?
Anal sex, practiced properly, is as safe as any other kind of sex. And people do it because it feels good--the anus can be an intensely erogenous zone. In fact, far
more straight people than gay people practice anal sex! The anus contains more nerve endings than any other part of the male body, and more than any part of the female
body except the clitoris. It's no wonder that anal sex is a part of many peoples' sex lives.
"Anal sex" can range from simply stroking your or your partner's anus with a lubricated finger, to actually sliding some fingers inside your partner and stroking them, to
full anal intercourse. All these things are physically very pleasurable, and if you simply wash your butt, there's nothing repulsive about them. The anal taboo is very old,
but there is no necessary medical reason for it if you know what you're doing. If you're concerned about staying clean, by all means make sure you've gone to the bathroom
before playing, and wash your ass--outside and, if you wish, inside, with an enema. If you want to feel clean in order to enjoy anal sex, it's not hard to be as clean as
you want. (It is also very important, though, to use safe sex techniques, which I describe a bit further on.)
The main guidelines for anal sex are Communication, Relaxation, Lubrication. You see, your anus consists of two rings of muscle, dubbed the external and internal sphincters.
Your external sphincter is under your voluntary control--you can relax it at will. But your internal sphincter is
not
under voluntary control. If you are tense, your internal sphincter will be tight, and trying to force anything into it will hurt, which will make you (and it) even
more tense. So the rule in anal sex is to go slowly; you can't force your way into enjoying it.
Communication: talk about what you're going to do before you do it! Don't just roll your partner over and surprise them; they won't be relaxed and it won't be fun.
Make sure you both are comfortable with the idea of anal play. Relaxation: listen to your body. If your ass wants to be played with, you will know; if it doesn't,
don't rush anything. Lubrication: your anus doesn't lubricate, so you need to use a WATER-SOLUBLE lubricant such as KY Jelly or Probe. Use LOTS of it; it's clean!
The more lube you use, the more comfortable you will be. And finally, communication again: if you haven't played with your anus before, the sensations will be intense
and strange. You may feel like you are having a bowel movement when your partner slides their fingers out of you; it takes some experience to realize that this feeling
is deceptive and that what you're feeling won't result in a soiled bedsheet.
It's not enough to just clean your anus, though; your partner should also use a latex barrier (a glove for fingering, a dental dam or a piece of (non-microwaveable) Saran
Wrap for licking, and a condom for fucking) when having sex with you. This is true in general, but especially true for anal sex; unprotected anal sex is the riskiest kind
of sex with regard to transmitting STDs of any sort. Also, using protection often increases the sensation of safety and cleanliness, which helps many people relax and
enjoy the experience more. (Some say that anal play isn't as risky as all that. The facts are that in some cities intestinal parasites, spread by unprotected anal sex,
have been considered a serious sexually transmitted public health problem, with thousands of people infected. Decide for yourself how much risk you want to accept.) And
anything that has come in contact with the anus should be cleaned thoroughly (or thrown away, in the case of latex barriers) before coming into contact with the mouth or
vagina.
I already mentioned that it's not a good idea to force anything. Let me be more emphatic: if you feel pain in your ass while you're having anal sex, STOP. Too-rough
anal sex can stress and possibly tear the anal lining, which can lead to very serious infections. Anal sex does NOT mix with force, and should NEVER be used as a way
to inflict pain. And if you find yourself bleeding from the rectum, go see a doctor IMMEDIATELY. (Don't be embarrassed--they've seen it all before... just get yourself
taken care of!)
That said, I need to clarify what I meant by STOP if you feel pain. That is what you should do: stop moving. The pain may just be your sphincter muscle complaining about
stretching a bit, and when you stop pushing it will stop hurting--and possibly relax some more. If it doesn't stop hurting when you stop moving, THEN you want to pull out
(slowly) and take appropriate action. If it does stop, wait a little, then begin again... your ass will let you know if it wants to stop altogether. (So pay attention to
it! Getting drunk is NOT a good idea, as you don't want to block out any pain you may feel. The FAQ List No-Prize for Worst Sexual Product goes to an "anal lube" that
contained oil (and therefore couldn't be used with gloves or condoms), AND which advertised itself as being best for anal sex BECAUSE it contained benzocaine "for greater
comfort"! If anyone did hurt themselves through using it, I hope they sued the hell out of the company.)
If you want more information about anal anything, see Jack Morin's book, listed at the very end of the FAQ.
What is "fisting"?
Everyone (well, almost everyone) knows what finger-fucking is. Whether in ass or pussy, it's terrifically enjoyable to stroke someone inside. (Fingers up a man's ass,
if aimed properly, will tickle his prostate gland, which feels AMAZINGLY good... just a little tip!) And people are generally comfortable with the idea of finger-fucking
with more than one finger. But not as many people have been exposed to the idea of inserting a
whole hand
into the ass or pussy... which is, in simplest terms, what fisting is. Yes, it's anatomically possible, and yes, it's EXTREMELY pleasurable. (I haven't experienced it,
save vicariously.)
That said, it's now very important to explain what fisting is
not.
You do
not
make a fist and ram it home. Fisting is one of the most intimate and complete ways to touch another human being, and it is something that has to be worked up to slowly
and gently. There have been many posts about fisting on s.s.b-b, talking about the proper technique, the safety concerns, the fantastic feeling of openness and connection,
the magical plane that two people fisting can attain... it's an incredibly intense way to make love. I can't do justice to the firsthand descriptions others have written,
but I can mention some of the safety concerns.
First of all, cut and file all your nails until every finger is as smooth as it could
possibly
be. Your fingers will be in some very delicate places--places that may not have pain receptors. You want to make sure you minimize all chance of causing damage.
Use latex gloves. AIDS is a matter of life and death.
You will probably want to clean your bottom's GI tract out. What else are enemas for? Be gentle with enemas; warm water is best. Don't use detergent in enemas. Some
people enjoy putting alcohol (booze, not rubbing alcohol!) in enemas; if you do, use a VERY VERY VERY DILUTED solution, since it will get absorbed
real
fast, and the bottom won't be able to expel it if they get too drunk. (I don't know a precise dosage, since this seems a bit too risky for me.)
Use LOTS (and I mean
LOTS)
of lube. Push it in with your fingers. Make a huge mess. Get it all over your hand, the back of your hand, between your fingers. Keep applying it as you go. You can't
have too much lube. Remember, oil-based lubricants dissolve latex. Some people like KY jelly; others say it dries out too quickly. In the UK, a substance called "Aqueous
Cream" is the creme de la creme. Others use "J-Lube," which is a powdered concentrate that when added to water produces incredibly slippery goo; it's sold in
veterinary supply houses! (Some people still use Crisco with latex gloves, on the theory that the Crisco is just the best lube, and the gloves don't break down
that fast.
This is risky, but it's an option.)
Go slowly. Start with one finger and work up. DON'T RUSH. Be sensitive to your bottom's feelings. You are trying to persuade part of their body to open for you, to admit
part of you deeply inside it. The energy will move back and forth, and you'll ride it, coaxing and pushing, in and out, moving your bottom into a trance. Keep communicating
with your bottom; gags, or role-playing where the bottom feels inferior or is told to stay quiet, are not conducive to the kind of relaxation and open empathy you'll need.
If your bottom suddenly hits their limit, you'll know; their orifice will clench tight shut suddenly. DON'T PULL OUT. Stay right where you are until the contraction ends,
THEN start pulling out. You can pull a muscle or two if you try to back out in the middle of a reaction like that. If this happens, it's OK; you'll know to go slower next
time (if you both want to try again). But assuming all is well....
When you reach five fingers, you're almost there. Now is when you want to be most sensitive and most aware. Your bottom is going to be flying on pain and pleasure; a
sudden flinch and you'll find the asshole (or whatever) doesn't want you anymore. Respect that, and pull out (slowly!). But if your bottom's bottom wants it, then you'll
slip your knuckles inside, folding your thumb inside your fingers, and (so I've been told) your hand will NATURALLY form a fist--you DON'T need to clench your hand or
anything else!
Now the real fun begins... explore, entice, pleasure your bottom, who will be in heaven... and when it comes time to pull out, do so slowly and naturally!
If you have more questions (as always), post to s.s.b-b; there have been some GREAT pieces on fisting in the past, and there will be more if you ask for them.
Does the way I play qualify as "real" SM? What is "real" SM, anyway?
Sometimes on a.s.b, people will post wondering if what they do is "heavy" enough to be worth talking about. How can a mere novice who just got spanked for the first time
presume to post about how it felt, when there are people out there who wouldn't even have noticed it?
The answer to that is twofold. First, there are an infinite number of ways to play. This is one of the reasons I like SM to mean Sex Magick; Magick doesn't need to involve
pain, or intensity, or bondage, or role-playing, or anything at all. Sex Magick is whatever you do that fulfills a fantasy of yours. **There is no right or wrong way to do
SM, as long as it is consensual.** If you agree to it, and if it feels good (during and after the scene), it's the right thing for you to be doing. This FAQ list is really
just a series of suggestions; take them or leave them, it's totally up to you.
(There are players out there who get way heavier than I ever will--into realms that I personally consider unsafe and even a little insane. Heck, for some people, being
whipped is an insane idea. But the most important thing is the consensuality and the mutuality of the play--that everyone involved in the play
wants to be doing what they're doing, and that everyone can call it quits if need be. What other people think
is not relevant; it is
their
play, and
their choice as to what risks they wish to assume.)
Second, the "intensity" of a scene has very little to do with the level of "physical sensation" involved. Again, the magic is in the way it makes you
feel.
We were all novices once; we all know the thrill of trying something new, taking your dreams and making them real.
That is what makes SM intense and enjoyable--that ineffable rush of new horizons unfolding, the incredible sensation
of trusting someone else with your body and your mind, or of receiving the gift of control over someone else. It doesn't matter whether you get there through S or M or
B or D or none of the above; once you're there, it's fantastic! AND, it's worth posting about!
Sometimes, discussion on a.s.b veers into a heated debate about what is involved in "real" dominance and submission or "real" BDSM play. The fact is, given the diversity
of players and playstyles in "the scene"--and in fact the number of
separate
"scenes" in "the scene"--it is hard to pinpoint any one behavior as the benchmark by which "real" is defined. The principal common thread I can see is that people into
SM are seeking to explore their fantasies about power and/or sexuality, to bring some of their dreams into their personal lives.
One thing is sure: attempting to set strict boundaries around what is and isn't "real" SM, or what is and isn't "true" submission or pain play or roleplay, is an endeavor
fraught with peril. More often than not, people who believe they know the definition of "true" SM are interested in flaming others who disagree, rather than in honestly
sharing their perceptions while remaining open to the views of others. As with any labels or preset "norms" of human behavior, one can debate endlessly about whether the
"norm" is really "normal", or one can speak from one's personal experience. The latter generally leads to better and more revealing discussions.
One topic that does come up in this context, though, is whether only consensual SM is real SM--or rather, whether the term "SM" excludes any behaviors that are not
consensual. As I stated in the beginning of this FAQ, I use "SM" here to refer to acts between consenting adults; most a.s.b posters and people in the scene likewise
use "SM" as short for "consensual SM." There is no doubt that many people who practice consensual BDSM enjoy fantasies involving acts of nonconsensual bondage, dominance,
submission, sadism, and/or masochism. But when it comes to real life, consent is of fundamental importance. A story may include nonconsensual acts and yet be an SM story;
an SM relationship can become abusive while remaining an SM relationship; but when people here on a.s.b and in the larger scene talk about SM as it ought to be and should
be (and in my experience, as it usually is), they mean consensual, healthy SM.
Some people state, "SM originally referred to the practices described in the writing of the Marquis de Sade [to whom consent was irrelevant], so modern SM people are
lying when they say consent is important in 'real' SM!" They're simply playing the "change the definition of 'real' to one which I can flame about" game. Besides, if we
were
all lying in order to deceive people into playing with us (so we could then abuse them), we would be doing ourselves a massive disservice by educating people about consent
and about negotiation--knowledge which would serve to protect people from us! You'll need to judge whether we mean what we say about the importance of consent.
A frequently heard acronym on a.s.b is "YKINOK"--which stands for "Your Kink Is Not OK." a.s.b is largely composed of postings by people whose sexual practices are considered
unhealthy or at least weird by many others. We recognize here that different people really do have different sexualities, and different preferences. Hence, we try to avoid
blanket statements such as "Behavior X is WRONG!" or "Behavior X is NOT OK!" or more generally,
"Your
kink is NOT OK!" We would instead say, "Your kink would not be OK
for me.
Here are some of the risks I see in that kink. How do you deal with them?" From that point, discussion and education can flow, as they cannot from a flat YKINOK.
(And conversely, we don't say, "Your kink IS OK!"--since there are almost
no
behaviors that
everyone
enjoys. The OK-ness of consensual practices is, and must be, determined on an individual
basis.)
What is it about leather/latex/high heels/corsets/other fetishes?
All these things--erotic clothing or objects of whatever type--are "fetishes". A fetish is any object which has sexual connotations for you. If it makes you feel
sexy to wear it, or to see it on someone else, it's a fetish. There's nothing wrong with having fetishes; in fact, it's a rare person who
doesn't
have any! Some people are turned on by armpits; some by painted toenails; some by good old lingerie. The techniques of negotiation and communication that I've
already talked about
can also come in handy in exploring your particular fetishes, whatever they are.
Leather is one of the most basic fetishes in the scene. Leather skirts, leather chaps, leather harnesses, leather cuffs, on and on. Likewise for latex. Much of the
appeal of these two substances, it seems to me, is in their tightness and their shininess; clothes made out of them enhance your awareness of your sensual self,
and restraints made out of them can cling like a second skin. In general, leather and latex are two really big categories of fetish--and a fetish is defined as something
that turns some people on; if you have to ask, you probably won't understand!
Leather clothes absorb fluids; don't get them wet. Plain water will damage the leather; blood or other bodily fluids will also leave their scent in the leather. You can
use saddle soap and water to clean your leather, and neats-foot oil to keep it supple and in good condition.
Latex doesn't absorb water-based fluids, but oils will damage it, and prolonged exposure to sunlight will cause it to break down. When putting your latex on, apply lots
of talc to yourself and to the insides of your latex; this will make it easy to slide it on. Don't pull the latex with your nails, or it'll rip; likewise make sure you
cut your toenails before putting on latex stockings. After removing latex clothes, wash them with water to remove oils, then dry them (and some say powder them) for storage.
There are also PVC clothes ("wetlook" clothes), which are usually black, shiny, and stretchy. PVC is basically plastic-coated fabric, and is washable, as well
as relatively inexpensive.
Of course, good old lingerie can be very arousing indeed. It's often true that a little clothing is even sexier than none at all. Erotic costumes and attire can add a
lot of spark to a scene; they can set the stage like nothing else. The mind is the biggest erogenous zone, and role-playing and mock acting can be very very hot. whether
combined with any other elements of SM, or not.
As for corsets and high heels: they're both restrictive garments that enhance the curves of the body, and that work really well as part of SM play--they can enhance the
domineering tread of a mistress or hobble the steps of a slave. They are some of the classic fetish items. High enough heels can make it altogether impossible to walk,
which can be very sexy! Corsets, properly applied, can dramatically change the shape of your body, while intensifying sensation through- out. And corsets and high heels,
like any fetish, can be combined with many many different kinds of scenes.
Other fetishes: dirty jockstraps, boxer shorts on women, formal clothes on men, cowboy gear, uniforms (police/military/what-have-you), nurses' outfits, harem girl attire...
the list goes on and on. If it turns you on to wear it or to see your partner wearing it, why not make it part of a scene? (A button I heard about recently: "Are you
into casual sex... or should I dress up?")
In general with fetishes, anything goes! If you find yourself becoming more involved with a fetish than you want to be, then you can take steps to look at your
behavior and determine if you want to change it. But if you like it, and your partner likes it (or likes that you like it), and if it's consensual all around,
then go for it! And if you like fetish clothing, check out the
alt.sex.fetish.fashion
newsgroup--it's young, but it's growing....
What about shaving body hair and/or crossdressing?
Another fetish many people have is smooth skin, with no body hair. Shaven skin is silky soft, completely and utterly naked, and very vulnerable. Shaven legs, armpits, or
genitals can feel very different indeed than hairy ones... and since the name of the game is sensation, naturally shaving and SM can go together!
Since shaving is conventionally a female activity, it carries an added charge when men are shaved. It can be at once humiliating and enormously arousing. Many men enjoy
shaving themselves in order to play with cross-dressing (dressing as a woman); hence I mention these two topics together. Shaving first.
How to shave? Consider showering, or taking a bath, first; it softens the skin and the hair. Use a sharp razor and a bowl of hot water; splash water over your leg
(or wherever) and lather with shaving cream. Then shave
with
the direction of the hair (i.e. shave down the leg towards the ankle, or shave from the navel towards the crotch); going against the direction of the hair can lead to
ingrown hairs when it starts to grow back. Shave with short strokes, dipping the razor frequently in the bowl to remove the hair. If you shave only seldom, you may go
through a couple of razor blades doing your legs alone. Don't press too hard (to avoid razor burn).
Some people who shave infrequently use an electric razor first to remove most of the hair, then a hand razor for the remainder and on the sensitive areas. (Electric razors
tend to pull hair, and they are most annoying on genitals.) Some people swear by waxing (using sticky wax to pull hair out) or by other non-shaving methods of hair removal;
to each their own. Shaving can be part of a scene; I've seen many gay-male SM movies with big male tops forcibly shaving their prisoners, and I've also seen dominatrixes
washing then shaving their bottom's asses. (It's hard to reach back there yourself, and being bound while a razor GENTLY strokes your most sensitive region is... well...
VERY intense!) Then once they're shaven, you can go on to all sorts of other fun.
About crossdressing: many men enjoy dressing in female clothes, either because the clothes feel good, look good, or are humiliating to wear. Whatever the reason, there's
no doubt that lots of people enjoy this sort of thing. Makeup is often part of this sort of play, as well. Many women also enjoy dressing up as men; switching gender roles
can open up a vast range of possibilities. Some people call this "genderfuck"--i.e. fucking with one's perceptions of gender, or fucking someone who's assuming a different
gender, or both.
There is a spectrum of attitudes among those who play like this. Some just enjoy wearing opposite-sex clothes because they feel nice. Some fantasize about actually being
a person of the opposite sex, and use those fantasies in their scenes. Some people want to take it to the point of going out in public dressed as, and acting like, the
other gender so accurately that they pass--i.e. are mistaken for the gender that they're assuming. They may find doing this enjoyable because of the fun in faking people
out, and/or the thrill of successfully transforming oneself into one's fantasy image.
Some people actually feel that their biological sex is fundamentally at odds with the gender they feel themselves to be. They may feel like a man who happened to be
born with a woman's body, or vice versa. These people are known as transsexuals, and may have operations to change their bodies and genitals to more closely correspond
to the gender they most identify with. Transsexuals are still very widely stigmatized; it is not easy to live in this very gender-based and sex-role-oriented society if
you don't conform to the standard pattern, and transsexuals definitely do not. And while many of the kinds of genderfuck I mentioned are "play", transsexuals are not
playing; their gender identity is a vitally serious issue to them. (Though when they
want
to play, there are few people who know more about it :-)
It's important to realize that these groups of people are distinct; just because a man enjoys wearing panties underneath his business suit does not mean he has any
desire to get a sex change operation. As with all aspects of human sexuality, gender and gender play encompasses a wide array of levels, and honest communication is
the only way to know what a particular person is into.
Gender play can be combined with all the other things in this list to create some extraordinarily powerful sex magick. As always, listen to your desires, decide how
much you actually want to make real (and how quickly), communicate, and play!
Why am I defending SM?
One of the problems with SM is the social programming against it. Our culture isn't used to the idea that sex is fun and pushing one's limits in search of pleasure is a
damned enjoyable thing to do. Moreover, there are many people who confuse fantasy and reality where SM is concerned, and who think that SM players do likewise.
In this FAQ posting I have attempted to explain the ways I and my friends feel about SM. I am doing this because I used to know very little about SM; I only knew I was
interested. Through s.s.b-b and lots of new friends and LOTS of wonderful experiences, I learned. My life has been enriched and my relationships deepened and strengthened
by my experience with SM. Now I want to describe all that in as open and frank a manner as I know how.
If you believe SM is sick or disgusting, that is your prerogative. This FAQ makes clear how it is
not generally unhealthy
to its practitioners; it is up to you whether you accept this information or not. You do not, however, have the right to stifle or censor those who would discuss this aspect
of themselves, because of your personal opinion about their practices.
If you don't think you'd like it, that's more than fine with me; I would just ask that you be open to what the SM community may have to teach about
consensuality, negotiation, safety, and exploration.
When I first started fantasizing about SM-related activities I was very young indeed--under ten years old. I don't know where these aspects of my sexuality came from;
certainly not from my family. But when I started learning about SM, I was first excited that there were others out there who enjoy these things, and then depressed that
there is lots of wrong and harmful information out there about SM people and what we do. This FAQ list is my attempt to help spread some better information, in the hopes
that the more everyone knows about what SM really is (and what it is not), the harder it will be for people to use twisted facts to condemn others because of their sexuality.
Also, there are things I'm describing that I don't enjoy (at least not yet :-) This is not the FAQ List of the Gods, so don't take it as such; listen to what I say and
draw your own conclusions. And fer pete's sake, post to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm with your questions and thoughts and fantasies and dreams; the blood of s.s.b-b is
always freshened by new posters! (It helps distract us from the flame wars!)
Is SM degrading or abusive? Were most SM people abused?
Often people approach SM with nothing but negative stereotypes in their mind. The will-less slave dominated by the overbearing thoughtless master. The
pervert who enjoys being hit because he thinks he deserves no better. These images, negatively charged with connotations of abuse, do not reflect the
reality of consensual SM.
First, were SM people abused as children? This is a common stereotype. Straw polls of people on s.s.b-b seem to indicate no particular pattern of abuse, and there
have been very few, if any, scientific studies of the question. Some people see an increased correlation, but there is little actual evidence.
This stereotype is usually just
assumed
to be true, as an expression of SM-negativity--"Oh, anyone who likes that must have been really damaged as a kid." Similar claims were once widely made about
homosexuals and homosexuality. (As one data point, I personally wasn't abused as a child, for which I'm grateful. And I'm very into various aspects of SM, for which
I'm also grateful.) In general, in fact, no one seems to have any idea of why some people enjoy SM behaviors or fantasies, and others don't. Rather like no one really
knows what determines sexual orientation, or preferred body type, or much of anything else where human sexuality is concerned. The notion of a "normal" sexuality
is widely overrated... the range of variations is incredible.
Once you actually look at people who are involved in SM, and at what they do, you realize that what is actually happening is a powerful expression of love, which
expands into sensual realms outside the ordinary. True SM is consensual, strengthening, and sustaining; true degradation is
not.
Therein lies the difference, and it is truly an all-important difference.
Occasional debates on s.s.b-b revolve around the (relatively few) people who practice full-time dominant/submissive relationships. Such relationships require lots
of self-inquiry and self-examination to see that both partners are benefiting and growing. Sometimes the claim is made that such BDSM relationships are just ways for
the dominant to break down their submissive's will, and to accept abuse because the submissive (according to the dominant, and perhaps also in the submissive's own
opinion) deserves no better. (This is essentially what a wife-battering husband does: he takes control of his wife's self-perception, and convinces her that the abuse
is the necessary price to be paid for her to remain with him; it is no more than her due. And moreover, she is not to complain.)
This kind of relationship is
not
a consensual BDSM relationship; the dominant in a consensual relationship listens to and respects the limits of their bottom, and does not seek to break down the
bottom's personality, but rather to build it up through the kind of relationship that both enjoy and desire. Such relationships almost always contain an "escape
clause," such that if the bottom is truly feeling deprived or abused, the bottom can ask to set the roles aside and talk with the top as equals. (In other words,
a relationship safeword.) Such concern for clear communication when things don't go well (as well as when they do) is the hallmark of a healthy BDSM relationship. And
every text I have read about long-term BDSM relationships stresses the importance of emotional safety issues. (As I mentioned previously, people who have issues around
their sense of self should be aware that SM is potentially risky in that area. Of course,
any
relationship is potentially risky for such people....)
Doing SM as part of a mutual, consensual relationship can be enormously affirming. SM can be a way to give yourself to your lover more deeply than you ever thought you
could, and can give outlet to fantasies you never imagined could come true. This kind of active, dynamic self-expression can give a tremendous boost to the self-esteem
and the psychological well-being of both partners. Getting what you want out of your sex life may not be a cure-all, but it can sure help a lot. I recommend the book
Ties that Bind, listed at the
end of the FAQ, to people exploring these issues.
(Some call all this doubletalk, denying that
anyone
could ever
really
benefit from submitting to a lover whom they trust. All I can say to that is, my personal experience is far otherwise, as is that of many of my friends, and many
professional therapists acknowledge that it's quite possible for a submissive in a consensual relationship to be very psychologically healthy. Decide for yourselves
whether we are to be believed.)
Another root of the negative stereotypes is simple aversion to sexuality in general. The concepts of "limits" and "negotiation" are inherently
revolutionary, in a world where many people can't bring themselves to talk about
anything
related to sex. Yet without understanding these concepts, it's hard to understand SM. Everyone who first looks at SM needs to do some amount of pushing past their
prejudices; for some it's harder than for others.
Some people wonder how women into SM can consider themselves feminists. Isn't feminism about controlling your sexuality, about not submitting to anyone else, ever?
Personally, I believe (and
many
women on s.s.b-b agree) that feminism is about empowering women to make their
own
choices, to live life their own way, without being limited by ideas about what women "should" do or how they "ought" to behave. And in that light, it makes
little difference whether the limiting ideas are those of the patriarchal CEO or the "radical feminist" criticizing SM in
Ms.
magazine; both the CEO and the writer are attacking womens' right to do as
they
choose.
At this point I want to include some material sent out by the Leather/Fetish Celebration committee about abuse in the SM community. This is valuable stuff for anyone
interested in distinguishing consensual SM from abuse; while no list of questions can substitute for personal inquiry and knowledge of the people involved, this list
is at least thought-provoking. (There is no consent-o-meter to determine whether someone is consenting to SM behavior; the best we poor humans can do is look at
situations on a case-by-case basis.)
Thanks, Leonard.
The Celebration Wants You to Know About... Domestic Violence in the S/M Community
Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet, abusive relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with all groups. Unfortunately, due
to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection
or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious
social problem.
Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group within the s/m community. A person's size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is
irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse.
Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating
another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of the relationship, there can be no consent.
Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic, and psychological.
Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene? Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room,
or used a weapon of any kind?
Are you afraid of your partner?
Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something that can be "agreed"
upon; there is an absence of safe words or understandings. Has she or he ever violated your limits? Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom?
Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set? Do you feel obligated to have sex?
Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident? Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups? Has your partner ever destroyed objects or
threatened pets? Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
Does your partner limit access to work or material resources? Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you,
and generally undermining your self-esteem? Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration? Do you feel that you can't discuss with
your partner what is bothering you?
No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors. There are reasons for staying in
abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about
shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if
you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency.
Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for
Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer.
We Can Reduce Domestic Violence: Domestic violence does exist in the s/m-leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those
who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential.
Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek
treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person's behavior.
Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing domestic violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for members of
what resources in your area are s/m-supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention.
Safe Link is a clearinghouse for materials and questions about domestic violence, specifically for persons who are into leather, s/m, or fetish sexuality. It
offers a list of readings and is currently compiling a roster of supportive speakers, shelters, and therapists, and information on understanding and using the
law. Write to Safe Link c/o the Domestic Violence Education Project, National Leather Association,
http://www.nla-international.com/home.html
Posted by ixion@dorsai.dorsai.org, from the program of the Int'l S/M-Leather-Fetish Celebration; Text provided by Jan Hall. The Celebration specifically authorizes and
encourages the reproduction and redistribution of this information.
Why is SM taboo, and is SM criminal, unnatural, immoral, unethical, or unhealthy?
If what I've been saying in this FAQ is accurate, then why haven't more people heard this? Why are the prevailing images of SM so negative?
There is no doubt that they are
negative. Not long ago I was informed that there are some members of the Winnipeg (Canada) police department who believe that soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm is "a textbook on
how to torture women for sexual pleasure. It's obscene." Said police were considering how to deal with s.s.b-b on obscenity grounds. In England in 1991, a group of gay
men who had gathered for an SM play party in which they were using whips for pleasure were arrested and charged with battery, EVEN THOUGH they had all agreed to be doing
exactly what they were doing, and WANTED to be doing it. Consensual SM is illegal in England. How can this be?
The crucial distinction here is between consent and non-consent. The difference between whipping someone in a scene and assaulting them on the street is the difference
between sex and rape. If everyone involved agrees to what is happening, it is not a crime. If they do not, then it is. This distinction is not in principle difficult to
understand, and being involved in SM makes it very clear. SM practitioners are
more
familiar with consent issues than most, and as such are
less
likely to commit crimes of the sort that people confuse with SM. And NONE of the material in this FAQ advocates ANY kind of nonconsensual, criminal behavior.
Unfortunately, there are many who would be arbiters of what others may and may not legally consent to do. I believe that consenting adults should be free to do as they
wish in the privacy of their homes. There are many who don't believe this is acceptable. It serves them to confuse the issue by claiming "SM people are sadistic rapists"
when in fact we are nothing of the sort. Criminalizing consensual sexual activities (sodomy, SM, even prostitution) is an old tradition, but in my view, an unjustifiable
one.
This problem is exacerbated by the body of "scholarly research" on SM and related practices. Almost all the books written about SM and other alternative practices in
this century have been written by psychologists and therapists (i.e. people outside the scene), and almost all have portrayed SM as a dangerous practice, indulged in
only by "unhealthy" individuals. The reason? Healthy individuals weren't the subjects being studied; rather, the subjects were all seeking psychological treatment from
the authors of the books! The "studies" completely ignored the many many well-adjusted, happy people who were also into SM. It's easy to conclude SM is harmful
when your only experience is with psychologically maladjusted SM people, and when you aren't interested in presenting a balanced view (as few authors are--psychologists
can be as sexually judgmental as anyone).
More recent events in the psychiatric community have shown a change in opinion about SM. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Conditions is a
document produced by the American Psychiatric Association. The DSM-III, published in the late '80s, classified "sexual sadism" and "sexual masochism" as
disorders for which treatment was recommended. The APA, in the DSM-IV, reclassified SM as
not
necessarily a disorder, unless the practice of the SM produces clinically significant ongoing emotional trauma, or leads to death, serious injury, or disability.
The DSM-IV is recognition by the theraputic community that SM can be practiced in a psychologically healthy way. Specifically,
DSM IV,
© *1994*, page 529, §302.83, "sexual masochism": Classed as a paraphilia, not a disorder, lacking negative implications unless "the fantasies, sexual urges,
or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning." Sexual sadism is discussed 2
pages later, §302.84, with similar qualifications.
As for "natural": people have practiced SM behaviors throughout history. Many are the saints who scourged themselves in the name of the Lord. Using intense sensation to
reach altered states of mind is a practice as old as humanity itself--and hence can be considered in no way "unnatural".
Our society (as do most societies) tends to ostracize the different. If you don't fit the mold, you're weird and dangerous. People into SM don't fit the mold. This is
why there is such pressure to remain anonymous in the scene; people have lost their jobs, partners, children, and liberty by having their sexual preferences revealed to
their community. This stems from the same source: lack of understanding of what we do and why, and lack of respect for what is different.
Of course, there are plenty of people who just aren't into SM. (Most people, in fact.) There's nothing at all wrong with not being into SM, or with not wanting to be
exposed to people who do various forms of SM; many people have emotional issues with some kinds of SM activities and may be repulsed or disturbed by witnessing them.
These people should clearly avoid SM (and probably should avoid soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm). I would hope, however, that even these people would manage to learn about
consensuality as it relates to SM, and learn how SM, practiced carefully, is not abuse.
Some people feel that any power exchange between people is unhealthy. The argument is that giving power to someone else is tantamount to giving away your essential right
to self-determination, which must be considered an unqualified evil. Moreover, there is no doubt that many social evils--wars, abusive relationships, et al.--derive from
one group of people seeking power over another; therefore, the argument proceeds, it is always wrong thusly to seek power.
In reality, there are many situations in life in which someone chooses to give some of their power over to another, because they trust that other to use that power wisely.
Examples include entering the Army (which regulates your life for the duration of your service); getting married (which is often a commitment to abandon some of your personal
autonomy); taking a job (which restricts your choices of how to spend your time); and, of course, entering a BDSM scene (during which your top has authority over what goes
on). All these power exchanges are mutually agreed upon, and are mutually beneficial; when they stop being beneficial, the exchange itself should stop.
People whose moral codes state that all power exchange--consensual or otherwise--is wrong should clearly not be involved in BDSM. Certainly such people have a consistent
ethical system that defines BDSM as immoral. Short of such an ethical system, however, it is hard to see how a BDSM relationship is any more intrinsically immoral than a
stint in the Army, or a traditional 'death-do-you-part' marriage. As for me, I believe that in a free society, morality requires permitting each citizen to make his or her
own choices of how to live, and how to express themselves, including sexually. Sexual rights are human rights. If we lose our freedom to love as we choose, we lose a
vital part of what it is to be human.
These issues are very controversial, even now. In the 1992 Oregon state ballot, voters narrowly overturned a measure named OR 9, which contained the following paragraph:
"State, regional, and local government and their departments, agencies, and other entities, including specifically the State Department of Higher Education and the public
schools, shall assist in setting a standard for Oregon's youth that recognizes homosexuality, pedophilia, sadism, and masochism as abnormal, wrong, unnatural, and perverse
and that these behaviors are to be discouraged and avoided."
Homosexuality, sadism, and masochism are neither wrong nor unnatural. All three are consensual ways of living and loving that many people enjoy. They are not for everyone,
but nor should everyone be told that they are for no one. Note also how this measure seeks to confuse the issue by grouping homosexuality, sadism, and masochism together
with pedophilia, a practice which is in most places legally nonconsensual. (It is not my intent to enter here into the debate over whether children are ever capable of fully
consenting to sexual acts. Suffice it to say that whether they can or not has no bearing on the fact that adults
can
consent to SM play.) Legislating what consenting adults may and many not do in private is neither healthy nor democratic.
(In recent years there has been a spate of articles about how SM is entering the mainstream. Madonna's book
Sex,
her movie
Body of Evidence,
and the movie
Exit to Eden
are examples of this trend. Hopefully this will lead to more people feeling free to express their love as
they
choose--so long as it's consensual!)
The most extreme forms of SM come closest to the line between consent and non-consent. Most SM people have established safewords which they will use if need be, though
if they've known their partners for long, that's rather seldom. Some people, though, do play without safewords--whether because they know their partners well enough to
stay within their partners' limits and read their partners' responses, or because they enjoy the rush of playing without an escape clause. This latter sort of play is
sometimes known as "consensual non-consensuality," and involves scenes in which the bottom literally cannot escape from whatever the top wishes to do. This is very
advanced SM; it requires exponentially more negotiation and introspection, and even then is hazardous. Not many people do this, or want to, but some people do, and
find it exhilarating and uplifting. More info is available on s.s.b-b or in some of the references... or on s.s.b-b itself, which is one of the best places in the
world to hear a myriad of voices speak out about their individual ways of doing and living SM.
Isn't the bottom always in control?
One of the paradoxes of SM revolves around consensuality. Everything in SM is consensual; although the top is in control, it was the bottom's choice to allow the top to
be
in control. And since most of the time the top is trying to keep the bottom happy, and since the bottom knows that, isn't the bottom really in control?
Yes, if your definition of "in control" is "can stop the scene". The bottom can always opt out, if it's consensual SM. But the top can go a long
way towards putting the bottom under the top's spell, making the bottom submit to really strenuous bondages or beatings, using the bottom as the top pleases. One friend
of mine, for instance, takes great pleasure out of hog-tying his girlfriend with her breasts bound and her hands behind her back and her ankles tied to her ponytail, then
putting her on the edge of the bed and sticking his cock in her mouth. She has no choice but to suck it until he comes. Which of them is "in control"? Both
of them would say that he is, and both of them are getting off on that fact, so the paradox in practice doesn't matter too much.
Furthermore, negotiation can involve give-and-take; the bottom can agree to endure some pain to please the top, and the top can then (say) tie the bottom tightly and
tease to the point of orgasm. A particular activity in SM can be enjoyable for its own sake, or because it's a favorite sensation of yours, or because it turns your
partner on so much to do it to you or with you, or because you want to endure it out of pure stubborn pride. The paradox of control can take many forms.
As mentioned previously, some especially intense players may negotiate scenes during which the bottom
cannot
opt out. This sort of play is definitely in the minority, but it is nonetheless possible to consent to giving up your ability to withdraw consent. These scenes are
sharply bounded by mutual agreement between both partners, and must be accompanied by much discussion, before and after the scene. And if the bottom later feels like
the scene went bad, the negotiation should be redoubled before the next scene, if any.
Can someone "really" be someone else's slave?
This is the last question in another guise. Is it possible for there to be consensual non-consensuality? That is, can someone agree to be in a situation from which they
cannot escape, and to live that way?
This topic can inspire flame wars, as follows: historical slavery was totally non-consensual and enforced by the state; at the worst of times, the life of a slave was
in the master's hands. Our society today does not recognize such an arrangement. Does this mean that someone cannot truly become someone else's slave, as society would
always permit the slave to back out? Or is true slavery possible as a bond between one person and another, regardless of society? You expect an answer in a FAQ? Sorry, here
there are only more questions. (Though see
another question
for more on the hazards of that pesky word "real".)
What are the "codes"?
Often the "hanky code" is mentioned on s.s.b-b. What is it? It's a tradition in the scene that if you're into certain types of activities you can indicate them
by wearing a handkerchief in either your left or right back pockets. The color indicates the activity; the side, the preferred position (left is top, right is bottom). Some
of the colors are gray for bondage (left is you like to tie, right is you like to be tied up), red for anal fisting (left fister, right fistee), and black for heavy SM
(piercing, serious whipping, etc.); there are many many many more. I don't have a list handy.
Sometimes the same thing is done with keys or handcuffs--keys on the left means you're a top, on the right means you're a bottom. It's all just a way to signal your
preferences in a public place.
Despite persistent rumors, there seems to be no "earring code" involving earrings on the left/right/both/whatever.
If this is nowhere near enough detail for you, check out
Hanky Codes by Jack Rinella.
My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into SM?
Sometimes people who are attracted by some aspects of SM worry that they will immediately go from enjoying spanking and light bondage to fisting and golden showers. Nothing
could be further from the truth.
SM is a blanket term for a huge variety of alternative ways to make love. This FAQ list has outlined some of the possibilities. No one I know enjoys
everything
on this list;
everyone
has their own preferences and levels of tolerance. Some like bondage but dislike pain; some like latex but dislike leather; some enjoy piercing but not whipping; some like
tickling and nothing else!
This means that negotiation is always important in SM; you never know what someone's tastes will be until you ask. It also means that whatever your level, however hard
the play that you enjoy, there are people out there who share your tastes. Be a dabbler or be a lifestyler, or be anywhere in between! And don't worry; the operative
word with all of these practices is
pleasure.
If you don't like it, you won't enjoy it, and you won't do it!
Some people have fantasies about heavier SM trips than they would enjoy in real life. To those people, I say this: fantasies are not reality. It is well documented that
many women have rape fantasies from time to time; this does not mean that those women want to be raped. SM can involve playing on the edge between fantasy and reality,
using that fantasy energy to create something fantastically strong and passionate in the real world; but this does not mean that fantasies are anything but imagination,
or that fantasies will become real without your choosing to make them so.
If you feel that doing SM might make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, or make it harder for you to maintain your sense of self-worth and pride, those are excellent
reasons to avoid doing SM--or at the very least to only do those sorts of play that don't tear you down but instead build you up. SM is an intense form of relating,
and not everyone is ready for that; if you don't think you are, don't do it that intensely--and if you're not sure, go slowly. What's the rush? Do what you honestly
want to do, and what you feel ready for.
Some people getting into the scene almost have a mental checklist of stuff they want to try. They spend a year or two burning through the checklist, having a great time,
always desperate for the next experience. Then they get to the end of the list, and suddenly they don't know what's next. This can be a very empty feeling. SM is not an
end in itself, but a means to connect with others; it is ultimately about relating, and about developing yourself.
If you are worried about getting "too into SM", it means that you are sensitive to your spiritual and sexual development, which in itself means you have less to worry
about. Trust your instincts. SM is nothing but opening up the the powerful energy within us all, and being willing to experience that energy with and through others;
it is intimate and loving. Even a hard scene, involving ruthless domination and serious pain, is an act of love, and a very deep one at that; it takes a lot of trust
and a strong connection between the people involved to create such a scene. The more aware of Sex Magick you are, the better a communicator and lover you will likely
be--and you don't have to be a heavy player to understand Sex Magick.
People who think that all BDSM behaviors are unhealthy or destructive sometimes come out with a claim like, "Just you wait, you may start off by enjoying being spanked,
but before long you'll be liking being bruised, dismembered, flayed, and murdered!" This is, simply, ridiculous. While many people do find their tolerance for pain
increasing as they do BDSM, many others find no such effect, or even have no interest in experimenting. It seems that for most people, their internal "thermostat,"
the level of stimulus which makes them hot, is pretty much constant. And certainly I know of no one practicing consensual SM who perpetrates serious injury on their
lovers. The SM scene is rife with information about how to inflict intense sensation without causing permanent or unintended damage of any kind. Recognize these kinds
of alarmist claims about BDSM as the scaremongering that they are.
And finally, after all is said and done, you may
still
have some fantasies that you recognize as too intense or too contrary to your nature to actually perform in a real-life scene. This is quite common, as well; we all have
desires which we recognize are not safely fulfillable. Do not do anything that you feel you should not or cannot do, even if the desire remains strong; or at least, if
you do choose to explore that desire, go very carefully and be prepared to back off if you find your suspicions confirmed. If it hurts not to fulfill the desire, that's
part of what maturity is about--rejecting desires that pull you into things that are no good for you, while choosing that which will affirm you. And in any case, the
process of introspection, of asking yourself what you want (and what you will permit yourself) and why, can be vital to your growth and your sense of yourself. Life
is change, and every choice carries
some
risk... decide for yourself what path you
I want to throw a play party; how can I go about it?
Occasionally on soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm there is a flurry of email about some event that recently occurred (often in the SF Bay area) at which many
net.folks were in attendance, and about the tremendously enjoyable things that transpired there. Then others around the country post, wishing they lived
out here too. Well, you don't have to live out here to have a play party!
What is a play party? A party where your guests can (and hopefully will) play with each other! It can be as simple as a backrub circle which turns into more intimate
activity, or it can be one person who gets clothespins applied to them while others watch and contribute energy before going off into their own scenes, or indeed
anything at all. The idea is to enjoy each other, to communicate and share the pleasure that touching and playing can bring. If there is a common interest in SM,
that's convenient, as lots of things can be initiated with a simple pair of handcuffs or a whip that looks like it'd feel good; also, if the guests have played
with SM, they will understand the need for negotiation, and they will know what it is to respect another's limits.
Some tips: Don't encourage alcohol; make it BYOB. This makes the party safer, and the drunker you get the less likely you are to really be able to fully negotiate and
communicate. Minimize video and loud music; this causes people to interact with each other, which is the whole point, rather than sit back and stay out of the action.
(Good party music can help set the mood, though.) Keep condoms, dental dams, latex gloves, lube (water-based!), betadine (if piercers or cutters are present), bleach
(for cleaning toys), and paper towels handy; this makes people aware that they can easily play safely--a matter of life and death--as well as expressing the hosts'
concern for the guests.
If possible, have several playspaces (i.e. rooms where people can recline and play with each other); this lets the exhibitionists exhibit, while the more private
ones can be more private, and the heavy players can play heavily (serious whippings, candles, etc.) without freaking out the folks with lighter tastes. Have some
knowledgeable people take turns as safety monitors; if anything's going on that looks unsafe or nonconsensual, give those people authority to take action.
Establish a party safeword (a great one is "Safeword!"). In general, make your place into a safe space, a haven here people can unwind and enjoy each
other to whatever extent they want to, without feeling pressured or uncomfortable.
Possibly the most helpful tip: if you can, try to get a group of people in your area together, and try to get activities planned between parties--lunches, group
shopping trips to your local toy stores, movies, etcetera. It's hard to overcome the barriers to trusting someone enough to have sensual or sexual contact with
them, especially in our pleasure-negative society; therefore, things may not get off to the rollicking start you could wish for at your first party. If there are
a couple of exhibitionists to break the ice, though, it helps; and as people get to know each other better and get to be friends, it will increase the level of
fun everyone will have!
I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette?
The simplest way to fit in in a play party is to behave politely. There will be people right in front of you who are doing very sexual things. They are doing them for
their
pleasure, not for yours. Stay away from the action unless invited to participate--and a glance in your direction does not constitute an invitation.
The people who really interfere with the energy of a party are the people who seemingly assume that just because the scene is taking place in a semi-public context
means that comments from the audience are okay fine. They're NOT. The top in the scene is concentrating on the bottom's pleasure, and the bottom is almost certainly
in a very private mental space. Neither the top nor the bottom will appreciate being yanked back to reality by a loud suggestion or greeting. If you want to compliment
them on something, WAIT UNTIL THE SCENE IS OVER and they're circulating and being sociable again! Interfering with a scene in progress is inexcusably rude, and if I
were dungeon-mastering I would throw you out of the party for doing it.
Once you understand that scenes are private even though they're taking place in public, the question then becomes, how can you watch without detracting from the
energy of the scene?
There definitely are people who interfere just by watching. They've been dubbed "energy vampires" in the past. These people are watching the action as
though it was a porno movie--as though the intense magic taking place in front of them was no more than a bad fuck flick where the actress is half asleep. They have
no empathy, no sense of connection to what's going on; they might as well be in a movie theater.
If you have the ability to watch what is happening with an open heart, if you can pick up on the energy and send your own good wishes towards the participants in
the scene, you will be much more valuable as a watcher. Public players never object to an enthusiastic audience which can appreciate the way they're playing!
An audience which values the gift of being allowed to watch, and which contributes its goodwill towards the play, can be a delight; an audience which watches
without giving and without connecting takes the life and spirit out of the scene. (And remember, a good audience does NOT make comments that the players can
hear--an audience doesn't interfere with the performance!)
You can be a part of the magic without playing yourself. All it takes is an honest enjoyment of what's happening combined with politeness and tact.
If you
do
want to play, and there's someone you want to play with, you can ask--but be prepared to accept a "no, thanks" gracefully. If you are
comfortable mingling and making small talk, you'll be more likely to find someone with compatible desires--after all, everyone else there has similar tastes!
There often will be rooms for heavy play and rooms for hanging out and socializing; don't try to do one activity in the other activity's space.
(It helps if you dress sexily, even if you're not playing--the more leather and lace there is to look at, the better!)
What's the deal with this anonymity stuff?
There are many people who post to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm through the wizvax Anonymous Posting Service, and many others who post from pseudonymous accounts. The
reasons are obvious; "kinky sex" in our society is stigmatized, and being openly interested in sexuality or alternate sexual practices can result in personal
and professional consequences including losing one's job, losing one's friends, and if child custody is involved, losing one's children. Yes, in America today, you can
lose custody of your child if it becomes known that you practice SM. (This is not merely anecdotal; people on the net have had these things happen to them.) Oral sex
is a crime in some states! After reading this FAQ, it (hopefully) should be clear how twisted this situation is, when acts of love can be used as evidence of psychological
damage.
This is why many choose to write and post anonymously. By using a pseudonym, they can say what they want to say, while remaining free of the nastiness that could
ensue were their coworkers to discover their interests. Homosexuals know what it's like to be ostracized for their romantic and sexual preferences; SM devotees
are, in some ways, in the same boat. It's a strange world, where love is perceived as evil, and beauty as ugliness....
Anonymous posters are not cowards. The consequences I have outlined are enough to make anyone question whether posting under their own name is worthwhile. Those
who choose to do so are not necessarily so much courageous as lucky--lucky to be able to be out, to declare their lifestyles openly. (Note that pseudonyms are
sometimes used in real-life situations, as well; there are many netters who go by their net names even at social functions.)
This means that it is rude to inquire as to someone's actual identity if they choose to use a pseudonym. It is also rude to tell others of their real name, if you
somehow become privy to it, without first asking them; they have entrusted you with something that they don't want commonly known. DON'T OUT SOMEONE IF THEY DON'T
WANT TO BE OUTED. You yourself may not need a net.name; that doesn't mean you can take others' anonymity any less seriously than they themselves do. This goes for
the net and for real life. If you meet someone at a party who you've known from the net, they'll probably still want to be known under their net name, and if you're
writing about that party later, make sure you have their permission before describing them or scenes in which they participated (even if you use only their net name).
It is an open question whether the world would improve if everyone outed themselves. Some say that we need to get all kinky people out of the closet, so everyone'll
realize how many of us there are (and there are many!). Others, myself included, believe that everyone should be free to choose how they want to live their
life--including choosing to be anonymous.
Are SM people subjected to political or social harassment?
Like all alternate sexualities, SM is stigmatized in many ways by most of society. In extreme cases, SM players are prosecuted legally. or persecuted by people who would
like
to so prosecute them. This section of the FAQ describes some of these ongoing battles. (See
another question
for a brief mention of one recently-vanquished challenge.)
The Spanner case
First, the most serious anti-SM action in years: the Spanner case. In Britain in 1992, sixteen men who had attended an SM party were convicted of assault, despite the fact
that everything that happened at the party was fully consensual. The sentence was four to six years in prison.
The defendants appealed, and eventually reached the highest court in Britain, which issued a judgment rife with the worst and most inaccurate popular misconceptions about
BDSM, ignoring everything that is now widely known about how it is safe and consensual. This judgment is a travesty of human rights, and flies blindly in the face of medical
and psychological fact, in favor of prejudicial ignorance.
The men involved are now pushing to take the case to the European court of human rights. They need any and all assistance. An organization named Countdown on Spanner
was formed to pursue the appeal as far as necessary.
Countdown on Spanner can be reached via Snail Mail; C/O Central Station 37 Wharfdale Road London N1 Great Britain Please include a SAE. Or contact via e-mail:
phas@siva.bris.ac.uk. There is also a Spanner web page.
Canadian censorship
Another situation demanding attention is the censorship being practiced by Canadian customs. Canada has no First Amendment, and Customs has been seizing gay and lesbian
erotica, especially SM-related material, and preventing it from reaching bookstores in Canada. This arbitrary action has made it very difficult for many of these bookstores
to survive. The Canadian government, via Customs, is silencing the voices of those who want to talk about their sexuality.
Little Sisters Bookstore in Vancouver is suing Customs, asserting that Customs should not have the right to seize books on suspicion of obscenity. If the case is won,
obscenity will have to be determined by the courts, not by Customs. It is not at all certain that the case will be won; a recent Supreme Court decision in Canada used
language from American anti-porn activist Catherine MacKinnon to define pornography as material that is "violent" or "degrading" to women. Such laws can be used to keep
ANY SM-related material from ever being published--which is exactly the intent. MacKinnon and Andrea Dworkin have repeatedly pushed for such legislation in the United
States as well. The Canada case is thus very relevant for Americans into SM.
If you can contribute, please write to Little Sisters Defense Fund, 1221 Thurlow Street, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada V6E 1X4. The case will be expensive,
and help is badly needed.
America
America has its share of official persecution of SM, though not so seriously as in the Spanner case. SM clubs are still associated by the media with unsafe sex, whether
or not the club requires safe sex (as almost all do). Of course, the current ignorance of consensual SM in America leads to regular prosecution of people producing erotic
material, whether videos, magazines, or pictures. Legal fees from obscenity proceedings brought by the government can put a small producer or publisher out of business
before the case ever comes to trial. For example, movies involving bondage together with sex are essentially censored in this country, because of such government action.
Most of all, learn for yourself about the realities of SM, as opposed to the myths. And speak out against oppression born out of ignorance.
What topics are and aren't acceptable on s.s.b-b?
Back in the days of yore, the group for discussing kinky topics was
alt.sex.bondage.
This group was created in response to a joke, which turned serious once people actually started using the group. But there was never any charter or definition of
what was and wasn't acceptable, as with the rest of the alt.* newsgroups. So alt.sex.bondage is now completely overrun with advertising and spam.
soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm was created mainly in order to set up a charter forbidding spam, but also to broaden the explicit agenda of the group from just bondage
to bondage and BDSM (which as we know is a compound acronym defining a lot of different behaviors!). Thus many of the flame wars about "that's not bondage, it
doesn't belong on this group!" have gone away forever.
The s.s.b-b charter is CHARTER: soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm.)
Now, there are still plenty of flamewars, and no little amount of flaming about how many flamewars there are and how hostile an environment is created as a result...
but there's no doubt that much more good BDSM conversation is happening on the new s.s.b-b than was happening on the old a.s.b in its dying years!
What s.s.b-b has evolved into (and actually has always been) is, as the intro to this FAQ states, a group for discussing "ways to have sex that are outside the
mainstream". This is an awfully wide description. There is room underneath it for discussing everything from "how do I tie someone up?" to "how can I play with
razors safely?" to "what's it like to love someone of your sex?"
The inevitable consequence of this is that people sometimes get exposed to material that squicks them. That's life in the big net. There is no guarantee that everything
on s.s.b-b will suit your personal interests. The general rule of the net applies here in spades: if you don't like it, hit "n" and ignore it. It's guaranteed that there
are many many out there who
do
like it. Remember, limits are relative; many of the "heavy players" you read about started as novices themselves, and the person who just described their intense whipping
scene may be unable to handle even the lightest tickling... food for thought!
I just finished reading a few stories about nonconsensual rape and sadistic murder that were posted netwide. I personally disliked those stories. Do I think they're appropriate
for s.s.b-b? Not really. Can I stop them from being posted? Nope. Can I ignore them? Hell yes. Remember, a story is a fantasy that someone bothered to write down... and
fantasies can't hurt anybody--if you don't like it, ignore it! That is certainly more productive than flaming the person who wrote it.
Can the ferment of different topics and views on s.s.b-b degenerate into chaos? Yes, and it sometimes does. But more frequently, the mixing of interests and ideas
generates a really wonderful dialogue out of which new knowledge and fantasy is born. Novices pipe up with questions that spark an insightful reply by an old-timer.
Old-timers post about some experience that gets lurkers' juices flowing everywhere. Someone who knows a lot about one kind of play tries something new and posts about it.
s.s.b-b works, like no other group I know of on the net. So don't be too hasty with that "n" key... you might learn something!
I'm sick of certain topics on s.s.b-b. How can I avoid them? Also, what's with all these ads?
s.s.b-b, like all Usenet groups, has its share of flame wars. Many of them revolve around questions of whether particular BDSM activities are healthy or not
(the usual answer: "They're risky, but it's possible to do them safely and beneficially, and many people do"), or whether soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm is a
heterosexist group or not (I'm not gonna tackle that
one here, yet). One common feature of all, though, is that some people get burned out on reading all the hundreds of articles in the thread.
The solution? Most newsreading programs support a tool called a "kill file", which is a list of subjects and/or authors that you are NOT interested in and never want
to look at. Different newsreaders have different ways of using killfiles. I use rn, so my example will refer to it. (If you use a different program, see the documentation
for that program.
To add a particular subject (say, "FAQ List") to your killfile in rn, go to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm When you are reading the group, type ^K (control-K). This
will put you into an editor which is editing your killfile for soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm. Type the following:
/FAQ List/h:j
then exit your editor. What that line says is "junk any articles which contain the text `FAQ List' in the header." Replace "FAQ List" with the subject you dislike or
the user ID of the person you no longer wish to read, and presto, your blood pressure will be much happier.
I've been told the following about the "gnus" newsreader:
In gnus, from the subject buffer, on an article from the person you wish to kill: type meta-k [gnus-Subject-edit-local-kill], C-c C-k C-a [gnus-Kill-file-kill-by-author],
C-c C-a [gnus-Kill-file-apply-buffer], C-c C-c [gnus-Kill-file-exit]." "C-a" stands for "control-A", and "meta-k" stands for "escape-K." The text in brackets isn't stuff
you should type; it's just explanation of what each set of keystrokes means.
If you use nn, track down a post written by the victim to be killfiled, and just hit 'K' (capital-K). Follow the somewhat cryptic prompts, and respond according to your
needs. For example:
|
nn gives you
|
you respond
|
|
AUTO (k)ill or (s)elect [...]
|
k
|
|
AUTO KILL on (s)ubject or (n)ame [...]
|
n
|
|
KILL Name: (=/)
|
/
|
|
KILL Name (regexp):
|
FAQ List
|
|
KILL in (g)roup 'soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm' or
|
|
|
in (a)ll groups
|
a
|
|
Lifetime of entry in days (p)ermanent [...]
|
p [or 21915 to 25568]
|
|
CONFIRM KILL Name perm regexp: FAQ List
|
y
|
If you use tin, you can either hand-edit .tin/kill (instructions should be given in that file), or you can hit control-K while reading any article. This will toss
a nice menu on the screen. Just follow the prompts. For example:
|
tin gives you
|
you respond
|
|
Kill type: Kill
|
[return/enter]
|
|
Kill text pattern:
|
FAQ List [return/enter]
|
|
Apply pattern to:
|
[spacebar until "Subject: &
From: lines" appears, then hit return]
|
|
Kill Subject [...]: No
|
[return/enter]
|
|
Kill From [...]: No
|
[return/enter]
|
|
Kill pattern scope:
|
[spacebar until appropriate
choice appears, then return]
|
Two pieces of jargon related to kill files: Sometimes you will see someone responding to something egregiously stupid (in the responder's opinion) said by someone else.
The response may look like, "Ho, hum. <Plonk.>" What is plonk? Plonk is the sound of someone being dropped into a kill file; the respondent is announcing that they
are permanently killfiling the original poster. Other times, a poster may be annoying lots and lots of people on s.s.b-b, and someone will post something like "Everyone PISS
on this guy!" PISS stands for Passive Ignorance Silence Strike, and basically means that everyone should just ignore the poster, rather than arguing and/or flaming. The
idea is that if the person can't get a rise out of anyone, they will get bored and leave. It very often works, too... or at least it reduces the wasted bandwidth.
What about the ads? See the next question; ads are not appropriate on s.s.b-b and will result in you getting flamed like crazy if you post one there!
OK, so I can't post ads to s.s.b-b. Where CAN I post them?
Plenty of places, bunky!
I don't have access to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm; what can I do to get information about the scene?
A question I've been getting more and more often as my FAQ spreads outwards into the world is, "I can't read soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm, but the stuff you talk about
in your FAQ sounds really interesting. Are there any ways for me to access soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm, or do you know of any SM groups or BBS'es near me?"
First off: unless you have access to a system which gets USENET news, and soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm in particular, there is no way for you to read alt.sex.bondage.
There are no mailing-list gateways or FTP archives of soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm. There may be public-access net sites in your area which you could use to access s.s.b-b.
Second: I don't track very many local SM organizations, beyond the ones I mention at the end of this FAQ. So please don't ask me for information beyond what's contained here.
HOWEVER: There is a way you can get answers to your questions! If you have email access to the Internet, you can use an "anonymous posting service". A posting service is
a program running on some Internet-connected computer. You can send email to the service, and it will remove your userid from the email, append a newly-generated anonymous
userid, and post your email to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm! Anyone can send you mail in response, and the service will forward it to you. So if you have questions about SM
resources in your area, use an anonymous posting service to send your question to s.s.b-b (for example, "I can't read soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm, but I'd like to know
whether there are any SM groups in Vancouver. Please reply by email"). You will definitely get more responses than you would any other way.
(Of course, if you _can_ read s.s.b-b but don't want to post under your real name, you can use a posting service for that; that's what they're mainly for.)
Unfortunately, as of November 1996, the major anonymous posting service (which used to be at "help@anon.penet.fi") has been shut down, due to complaints that it was
being used for child-pornography-related purposes. I know of no other service that really substitutes for it. My best suggestion right now? Get a trial America Online
account, pick a phony nickname, and post to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm that way. Yes, that's a lousy substitute. Anyone with better anonymous-posting solutions, please
let me know, and I'll update this information again.
|
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