Topping Tolerance

by Alexis Towers - 25.02.2004

"Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd." -- Bertrand Russell, WisdomQuotes.Com.

Topping from the bottom seems like such a simple term in lifestyle circles. There are those who do and those who don't and clearly those of us who don't are true lifestylers, right? The fact is that this too is a term that gets boggled down by semantics and what I will call personal diversity. There are some who define the lifestyle so narrowly that they would actually prefer to exclude anyone who openly claims to top from the bottom or anyone who by their standards appears to top from the bottom, than open their minds in acceptance. Why? Well the answer is two-fold. In some situations, such judgments are made directly because of intolerance. In others there is simple a misunderstanding of circumstances.

In order to better understand how people misjudge something like topping from the bottom, we must first define terms. What is topping from the bottom? Most immediately jump to the example of a submissive shrieking orders to her dominant' partner as an example of topping from the bottom. And it is possible that might be the case. But to really be topping from the bottom, we must consider the premise on which healthy BDSM is set: safe, sane, and consensual. Do these concepts apply only to the submissive and his or her needs? Of course not! Why must we consider a dominant's perspective on safety, what he or she considers sane, and whether or not he or she consents? Because without knowing very clearly where our dominant partner stands on these three very basic foundations, we couldn't hope to know whether we are topping from the bottom.

Brat Play:
While some find it extremely distasteful and disrespectful, others revel in the joy and satisfaction they find within its expanded boundaries. The submissive, having met the conditions of safety, sanity, and the consent of their partners, find untold freedom in acting out as a brat or tapping in to their inner child, who might very well be demanding, self-centered, whiney, or mouthy. For the lifestylers who find no such need in their agenda of BDSM play, this is sometimes difficult to understand, accept, and most of all, tolerate. But like any other part of S/M, B/D, or role-playing activities, there are bound to be some things that we will find unappealing or beyond our personal limits.

Where the line is drawn on these basic ideas represent what we call limits'. These limits are generally focused on the submissive, but are no less important for a dominant to consider and define as well. Most people don't often spend a lot of time discussing the limits of a dominant, figuring it will be addressed in the course of things, but perhaps for these reasons alone, it might be reconsidered as a very important part of establishing things between two (or more) people whether it is for a play session or the founding of an intimate long-term relationship. Even if they are left to a more natural revelation, consider how some of these limits are revealed. If you are the submissive partner, do you know some things that would absolutely NOT please your dominant partner? If you are dominant, does your partner know some things that you will not do or in which you will not participate? Hopefully both those questions are answered with a resounding, YES.

Now what happens if a submissive's limits are ignored or disregarded? The very idea is enough to send some into a tailspin for hours at the mere mention of it, I know. Let's agree to say that it is often considered to be inappropriate and it might very well even cause the interaction to become non-consensual. At that point many would say it stops being part of this lifestyle or a BDSM act, but something else, something less than appealing and something many of us wish to avoid.

Is it any different for a top? Should a top's limits be disregarded or ignored, is it any less serious of an action? Of course not! This is how I define topping from the bottom. When a submissive either by accident or purpose, disregards or ignores the parameters her dominant partner has specified by word or action, she or he is then trying to control the course of their lives or perhaps even a specific moment in play. Regardless, it can only be defined as controlling and manipulative, neither of which truly have a place in BDSM play. When this occurs, it should not come as a surprise that the dominant partner reacts to it as strongly as the submissive would act if his or her limits were violated.

The Submissive Sadist & The Dominant Masochist
Some people in this lifestyle find even the role of submissive or dominant a role-playing opportunity. Unlike those who find a deep affinity for these defining words as something describing their very nature, evolving but unchangeable as time commences, these lifestylers play at being submissive or dominant to get their kinky desires satisfied. The submissive sadist enjoys causing the pain but is not truly in control. Ideally he or she will be matched up with a dominant masochist who enjoys receiving pain but likes to direct things as they move along. Again, if both parties are honest and willing, then who are we to judge it as unacceptable behavior?

On the other hand, what about when a dominant does not take offense to something that from the outside seems to be manipulative or controlling on the part of the submissive? Can such behavior be explained? Is the assumption that the dominant either isn't really very dominant or in control a fair one? Or do we perhaps not understand something that might be going on here?

In actuality, if we were not there for the negotiations from moment one through to the moment things seem to have taken a turn for the worse we are in no position to judge. To understand that, we first have to accept that we might not know what is and isn't truly acceptable to each party involved. We must accept that our limits or our top's limits might not be the same as the players in question. We must exercise tolerance of others and understand that the particular dominant in question might actually want or desire his or her submissive to act in ways that are seemingly manipulative or controlling. If it is something wanted and desired by the top and the bottom alike, then how could it possibly be considered topping from the bottom. If the top and bottom have drawn a wide circle as guideline for behavior, then certain actions, shocking though they might be, are perfectly acceptable and absolutely part of BDSM play.

Voltaire said, "What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that is the first law of nature." So next time you are tempted to deem the actions of another as inappropriate or unacceptable, remember this. Remember that we are a lifestyle that is supposed to be built on tolerance. There are a thousand examples of this that do not require a person to diminish their moral viewpoints or ethics. Take a deep breath and let yourself decide whether you are judging based on your viewpoint or the tenets of this lifestyle.

"Topping Tolerance"
by Alexis Towers, 25.02.2004