The Novice Dominant

by ThroTchr

Welcome!

You've no doubt got a lot of questions. I'm going to add some more to them, then give you some sources of information to help you find your path.

First, you should take a look at yourself. What is it about BDSM that you find appealing? For some it's the sense of power gained in having another under your full control; for others there is pleasure to be found in administering pain. In many of us, it's a mix of these two. Start out by trying to define what it is that you crave.

Next, turn your attention to the mechanics. Browse through some of the headings on my How-To pages. At this point, you're looking for just one thing: does what you read cause a stirring in your loins? You need to define your starting point: what is it that most turns you on. You may, over time, find yourself sampling many different pleasures. In fact, you may find, as many do, that the things that intrigue you now will not be such a tremendous turn-on a few years from now... other things will take their place instead. But for now, what is it that you desire: turning the lad or lassie over your knee? Placing and intricate web of ropes and knots upon the flesh that can't escape? Or having a doting servant kneeling at your feet, open to fulfill whatever your needs are?

Now step back and think about what it is you desire. Do you wish to take this fantasy one step further? Time to look inside again... are you willing to shoulder the responsibility that this entails?

Being a Dom encompasses a lot more than just getting your rocks off. Another human being is part of the partnership, and as the one in charge, you have a duty to see that this takes place safely. The submissive you find may desire being hurt; are you willing to maintain a state of control, with one foot grounded in the present, to ensure that hurt does not become harm? If you lack the self-control to do this, please leave your fantasies in the realm of dreams.

Now that you are willing to accept the charge of caring for your submissive, body, mind, and soul, it's time to think about what you need to learn. The starting point you've chosen will make some demands on you. Some things, like simple bondage and spankings, are fairly easy to do, with only a few things to watch out for. Others, like fire play, piercing, knife play, etc. are quite demanding, and there's a large risk of harm to the sub. So, before you pick up that bullwhip it's time to learn all that you can. Read as much information as you can find on the topic. See it done at a local club or other setting if possible. (For a list of organizations that can help you find such a demonstration, see my resources page.)

So far, it seems that you've spent a lot of time and still haven't done anything yet, right? That's the idea. You're going to have another person under your thumb here... you need to have patience and be certain of what you're doing.

Ok, you've figured out what you want, learned all you can about the safety aspects of what it will require, and now you're familiar with the techniques. What's next? Well, now we turn our attention to finding a partner. There are some good sections on this in both my How-To and Commentary areas. The key, once again, is knowing what you desire. There are very few partners that we will find completely pleasing to us; if you desire to administer pain, you need a partner who wishes to receive it. If you desire only to control, that masochist won't be for you... you'll both be frustrated by the experience. Know what you want in a partner.

Figure out what you want in a relationship at this time as well. Do you want to play occasionally, or do you want to live this as a 24/7 lifestyle? Nobody ever plays around the clock. If you want a long-term relationship with a partner, you'll need to look at all of the personality traits you want. You'll need common interests outside of BDSM -- otherwise your breakfast conversation is going to be pretty dull, and the whole experience will grow stale for you both rather quickly.

Ok, you know what you want, and what you want to look for. Next, a few words about the approach. You'll find no lack of people on line or in r/t groups who are willing to talk to you about your desires, but how you present yourself is critical. Remember that a persons submission is THEIRS, not yours. You have no right to demand anything from anybody until they have offered it to you. If you walk around acting like you own the world of BDSM, either r/t or in cyber, you'll be seen for exactly what you are: a newbie without a clue. It's not a good way to start off. Be a Dom, not an ass.

Remember that you're going to be responsible for the emotional well-being of your partner. One of the largest things that happens in a power exchange is the placement of trust in you as the Dom. Be trustworthy, or you'll end up hurting your partner. He or she may ask you hard questions. Be honest about yourself, your lack of experience, and your sincerity. You'll both be better off long term. I've met some experienced subs r/t who are happy to let a new Dom practice techniques on them... they see it as protecting their less experienced sisters from unschooled hands.

Now it's time to talk to your prospective partner about safety. There are several things to learn about here: negotiation, safe words, and safe calls. Negotiation involves discussing what the sub is and is not willing to do. You'll find a negotiation list on the How-To pages. Don't violate what the sub sets as limits, for three reasons: first, you'll do her considerable mental harm; second, you'll be violating the law (at the point where you step over the line, it's no longer consensual); and third, word WILL get out, and nobody will want to play with you anymore.

The How-To pages also include sections on safe calls and safe words. Safe words are those that will stop the action if the sub feels it's needed. Again, you MUST honor these if you and your partner use them. One quick aside on safe words... be careful to choose one that can be easily remembered. I heard last night about a Dom who assigned a sub the safe word "aspen". She needed it, but couldn't remember anything except that it was a tree. She was shouting out "birch!", "pine!", etc... which he took to be an attempt to antagonize him... the result was not pleasant.

Safe calls are pre-arranged telephone calls at specific times from the sub to a friend. If the call is not made at the proper time, or if the sub uses a danger codeword during that call, the police will be visiting your little party. Make sure your sub makes the calls. I carry a little portable alarm clock for that purpose, just in case we both get wrapped up and lose track of time.

Finally, we come to the close of the scene. You need to realize that the submissive has been in a particularly vulnerable state, and that the scene may have caused him or her to fall into "sub-space", an altered state of consciousness. It will take a while for your partner to fully return to the present. There's nothing more terrifying to a sub than being abandoned in this vulnerable state. You need to be there, and be caring, during this period of coming down.

In short, you need patience, an open mind, a sense of responsibility, and a willingness to learn. There are many in the community who are willing to help you in your journey. Seek the advice of those with more experience; you'll find most of us are not at all shy about showing you things that thrill us.

I wish you a peaceful and fulfilling journey.

Best regards,