Learning To sub Before You Can Dom/me

By SoulThief

The Theory

There is a commonly held theory within the scene that "A true Dominant must first learn to submit before they can learn to Dominate."

The Reasoning

There are some very good basic reasons behind this theory, the first being that a Dom/me needs to be able to understand and empathise everything that a submissive in their care experiences. Without understanding and compassion, without the mental connection, a Dom/me has the potential to do a huge amount of harm. By experiencing the sensations first hand, a Dom/me can learn exactly how something feels, what works, what doesn't, what it means when things go right and when they go wrong.

By watching another Dom/me, they can develop their own style, finding out which aspects give them pleasure, pain, frustration, excitement and disappointment. They can form their own opinions on what works well stylistically and what does not.

A degree of vetting is also possible. I will not attempt to discuss the merits of the argument here, but another commonly held belief is that it is too easy for someone to call themselves a Dom/me these days, particularly with the number of new people entering the scene through the Internet Certainly it is the case that there are a lot of people applying the title 'Dom' or 'Master' to themselves with little understanding of what it can mean to others. By first being taken on as someone's submissive there is a degree to which a new member of the scene is more likely to be exposed to the deeper aspects, before going out and possibly taking advantage of someone else.

The Argument Against

All of the reasons given above are important aspects for any Dom/me to address. The question is whether or not that is the only "true" method available. As you have probably already gathered by now, I tend to argue against anyone who claims to know the "one true way", as the statement is all too often an easy justification of their own beliefs and a put-down of others'.

I am not going to dismiss the argument - I actually think it is a very good way of learning a lot of the skills necessary to be a good Dom/me. I am going to suggest that it is not the only way to become a good Dom/me, nor is it essential. It is simply a case that what works for you is what is right for you, and you should not feel pressured to be anything you do not feel you are.

Switching

While many people have at least a degree of switch in them, or are able to suppress their Dominant side, it simply is not the case for everyone.

We magnanimous Dom/mes are great at recognising how unfair it is to ask a submissive to try to be something they are not. They may well try very hard to do it, no matter how hard they find it, out of a desire to please or do well. None-the-less, we generally recognise that it is outside their character and to allow them to continue is simply destructive.

The same applies to us Dom/mes too. One of the important concepts in the scene is that people are accepted for who and what they are. To attempt to force yourself, or someone else, to submit, when it runs completely against a basic character trait, is asking for both frustration and failure.

Empathy and Understanding

There is no argument that a Dom/me needs to have empathy and understanding for what they ask submissives in their care to do. Without it, their having their own way simply becomes non-consensual and ego-centric - pretty bad qualities in a Dom/me.

Experiencing submission provides an excellent understanding of what is involved. From experience a Dom/me who has submitted can often place themselves in the place of the submissive and gain a greater understanding of the submissives actions, responses, needs and desires.

It is worth noting though that that argument only holds up so far. Most people involved with the scene, be they Dom/me or sub, will tell you that they are always learning and experiencing new things and will do so for the rest of their lives. This means that, no matter how much someone experiences as a sub, they will inevitably reach a point as a Dominant where their experiences can not take them. At this point they either have to go back to being a submissive to experience this new concept or they have to have some other means.

It is a reasonable assumption to believe that some other means does exist. Beyond experience, there are those who are naturally empathic - who can enter the thoughts, feelings and sensations of those they Dom/me without necessarily having experienced the exact act from a submissive viewpoint. Through keeping an open mind, through watching, through learning from books and from others, there are a lot of ways to gain knowledge.

While having submitted is a great way of gaining empathy and understanding, it is not the only way and it is also often limited. In many cases it is a great way of providing an initial understanding. For those who find submitting to go against their character, however, it is not impossible to gain the same level of understanding through other means. Harder perhaps, but not impossible.

Style

For some organised groups there is something to be desired in all Dom/mes learning their styles from each other, forming a group style. Equally, for many, learning and forming your own style is important.

As discussed, there are many ways of gaining empathy and understanding. In the same way there are many ways of forming your own personal style. Watching someone else Dom/me and how a submissive reacts can give a similar understanding to actually being that submissive. Slowly taking the time to build experience, watching what works for you and what does not, refining your style, works too. The key here being a level of honesty, self awareness and introspection that can help you develop.

Once again, submitting before you Dom/me is one good option, but by no means the only one.

Earning The Title

The exposure to deeper aspects of the scene is always important. All Dom/mes make mistakes and learning to minimise them in any way possible is certainly a good thing. This becomes even more true when you introduce the element of making sure there is at least an awareness of deeper aspects (you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink).

Once again, these aspects are important, very much so in terms of making sure that submissives do not get hurt by inexperienced Dom/mes. It is also a case, once again, that while going through the experience of submission first is a good way of learning these things it is not the only way.

Conclusion

Learning to submit before you Dom/me is certainly a good way to learn a lot of important aspects of Domination as well as going some way to ensure a degree of sanity within the scene. In every case though, it turns out that it is not the only way.

When you consider that some people simply find submitting uncomfortable or something they are just unable to do do, to attempt to force it becomes negative. A very good method, learning to submit before you Dom/me is just that - a very good method, but only when used in a setting that suits it. Those who find themselves resenting trying to or having to submit are not going to benefit from it.

So, if it works for you, great, you have a wonderful opening in to the scene that can offer a lot. If it does not work for you, there are other ways and you should not feel as though you have in any way failed - there are other, sometimes harder admittedly, ways of learning and experiencing the same things. As with anything in the scene, what works for you is perfectly valid for you - no one has the right to tell you any differently, so long as you stick the three words that sum it all up - Safe, Sane and Consensual.