Learning to Domme

Introduction

Learning to Domme
For women who are interested in learning about domination

Are you a novice, with dominant leanings and just need some direction? Are you either vanilla, or a bottom, and here because you want to please your partner, because he has asked you to dominate him? I hope with this, and other related articles, to show you a way to explore and define your dominant style.

What’s your style?
Not all Dommes are tall, aggressive women dressed in leather and heels, with a whip hanging from their belts. Far from it. Certainly, there’s a lot to be gained from ‘dressing the part’. You set immediate expectations based on the look. But if that’s not ‘you’, don’t worry.

Attitude is everything.
Domination is not about what you wear, but how you act, or carry yourself. So, first and foremost, you need to be confident, caring and understanding. You need to be in control of yourself. A Domme never needs to raise her voice and never reacts with anger toward her sub during play. She is open-minded and listens to her submissive. She cherishes the gift of submission he has given her. And she does not demand respect, she earns it. A certain amount of intelligence and creativity helps. (I can’t do anything about the first, but I’ll give you some ideas for the second.)

Relax
Some women may feel overwhelmed at the thought of being the "Domme". Does it mean you must control everything, do everything, make all the choices from now on? No, actually, all you really need to do is please yourself. So, relax. This is supposed to be fun! There is no need to feel ‘rushed’ or pressured especially into a D/s relationship or to even start using bondage or whips or the like, if you are not doing it already. You set the pace you are comfortable with.

Let’s just concern ourselves with getting into the ‘head space’ to begin with. The next section will focus on what you, as a Domme, get out of all this

Control, devotion, willingness to serve
What should you expect from someone who wants to be dominated? The essence of D/s play, whether it’s just brief periods of play right up to 24/7 relationships, is Power Exchange. The submissive relinquishes control to the Dominant for the erotic enhancement of them both. As the Domme assumes control over the sub, which may be sexual or not, she expects a certain amount of willingness to serve and devoted attention. Always remember, your responsibility to your sub is in direct proportion the amount of control he relinquishes to you. But we are not going there yet, so don't worry.

You may already be using some facets of domination in your life, in ordinary, non-kinky ways. For example, you wanted your guy to do a chore for you. Maybe it’s not convenient, or he’s tired, but he does it anyway, for you, because you asked. He's showing his devotion to you. You’ve planned a party and he promised to help by vacuuming. You call and remind him of his promise to come home straight from work, and he rushes over to do it. That’s willingness to serve! Or have you realized, during sex, that you can control how soon or when he can have an orgasm? Did you act on this thought? If you got a charge out of this, you are on your way! Do you get a thrill from the way he looks at you when you are dressed really hot, maybe those shoes that feed a fetish of his? You can just see he's putty in your hands. Did you feel the power you had over him at that moment?

These are all very pleasurable feelings that stir some powerful emotions. If you have experiences where you felt like this, and liked it, you are already on your way. So, if you enjoy these activities and the feelings that accompany them, build on them. Incorporate them more and more into your relationship. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

Don't be rushed

I ‘topped’ long before I started to ‘dominate’, in the Lifestyle. I was pretty much dominant all my life, but I held back at first, while I concentrated on honing my skills with the toys I wanted to use. Actually, while you’re learning, you can use your position as Domme to ‘cover’ lots of things. For instance, if those heels you wore for ‘effect’, are killing you, put a blindfold on him, and take the shoes off! If you are already in the scene, continue, and I’ll show you how you can easily add some domination to your play.

For those of you with a partner who’s looking for you to dominate him, tell him, even though you think he should already know, how these things feel to you. Guys, for all their bravado, are just as insecure about some things as we are, Ladies. They need to hear it out loud. They also need reassurance, not only that you are enjoying and developing your dominant role, but that you enjoy doing it for and to, them. The most important thing they need is honesty from you. You must never make him feel that you are getting off on the power, and he’s just tool at your disposal. Unless that’s what he’s looking for in the scene, and it’s what turns him on. In that case, you’re getting off on the power and control is exactly what he’s looking for. You may 'act' like this during play, but make sure he knows afterwards that you value him as a person. Never make him feel that you don’t respect him after he’s poured out his fantasies to you. It may have taken a lot of courage for him to be open and share them with you. Even if his fantasies and desires turn you off, (and we can work with this later - Listening is not agreeing, as I always say!) appreciate the sharing for the gift that it is.

So, don’t let him rush you. Measure your success at domination by how it makes you feel. That's the only yardstick you need! Your pleasure comes first! The more you enjoy what you’re doing, the better you will be at it, and then you’ll both have more fun! Take it as slowly as you want, as long as you're not standing perfectly still! Remind him, if he’s ‘mister impatient’, that this too, is part of "your" way of dominating. If he continues to pressure you just tell him, "Down, boy!" After all, you are now running the show! It is perfectly alright for you to set ‘limits’ on this behavior.

For Tops
For those of you who are already topping, learn to add some dominance to your play. Negotiate your play and safewords beforehand, as usual. Then yes, you should stick to what you agreed on, but nowhere is it written how you will go about it!

So, start the scene by asking him, does he really want to play? Of course he does! But make him request it in a manner that is satisfying to you. Whether this is on his knees, or just with his head bowed in a respectful manner, you decide, and do not proceed until you are satisfied with his ‘performance’! If you’re at a play party, you might even prolong it, by asking another Domme if she thinks he really sounds ‘sincere’ and ‘respectful enough’. If he’s looking for domination, he’s getting it. It just may not be what he had in mind! I started with a simple ritual: my 'sub' merely had to stand before me, with palms up to show or offer his submission. As my confidence grew, the ritual has become more complex, and more satisfying!

After taking into consideration the physical and psychological limits of your partner, the essence of good play is doing those things that you know he/she will accept, but may not necessarily ask for.

Don’t allow him to ‘top from the bottom’

Topping from the bottom means the submissive is attempting to take control or direct the play according to their wants and desires. An example of this would be: If he decides to get 'bratty', in hopes that you’ll give him a more 'severe' flogging. Don’t do it, unless this is what you want to do, that is, it's part of the roles you both play and enjoy!

In my early days, I played with a sub who would do as I asked, but not what I wanted. He taught me, among other things, to be specific. For instance, if I said, "Get undressed and lie on the bed", he would strip down to his underpants, and then lie across the bed, sideways! Not exactly the position I ‘envisioned’.

BTW, you can learn a lot from an experienced sub! They make the best teachers. I used to have coffee regularly on the weekends with a long time sub who would teach me about ‘Domme -ing’, in exchange for makeup tips and requiring that he paint his toenails any color I chose and be made to wear woman’s panties during his visit.

For Tops
This is your scene! Do not allow control to slip away from you. For example, you could tell him the ‘punishment’ for being bratty is that now he will have to ‘wait’ for his flogging. And then do it! Make him wait. It doesn’t have to be a long time, say five minutes, by the clock. Another idea, while waiting during the ‘penalty’, is to tease him. Tweak his nipples or run your nails over him, telling him he brought this on himself. Or make him say he’s sorry, but add a twist. Don’t let him use any personal pronouns while he does it. ‘Correct’ any mistakes, and make him start over. This should put him in his place. You’d be surprised at the effect this will have on him! You will be heightening his anticipation of what’s to come, while asserting your role as Domme! And you’ve hardly lifted a finger yet. Don't forget though, this is for the mutual pleasure of both of you. Most often, if you are getting pleasure out of what you are doing, your 'sub' will enjoy it more!

And if you’re receiving some kind of service (oral sex or whatever) don’t get so entranced (enthralled) that you forget that you’re the Domme, and fail to continue to assert your authority. That’s how a bratty sub can take over control of a scene, and one way a "quick-switch" will turn the tables.

This last paragraph was written by my own 'bratty sub' who loves to remind me of my early foibles!

For novices
If you are doing this to please your partner, but not into using any BDSM techniques yet, you still need to heed the above. Do not let your partner steal control from you, and tell you what to do, or come to you with a ‘wish list’ that he clearly wants you to fulfill. (More on finding out his fantasies and choosing which you’ll accommodate, later.) If you are doing this to please someone, the next section is especially important, because the only person you need to please is yourself!

Communication (More on this in the next installment)

For now, most of all, you will need clear communication of what you are willing to do, what you expect of him, what he likes, and what some of his fantasies are. I cannot stress this enough. Communicate, communicate, communicate! Just because you listen doesn’t mean you will do any of these things, or even when. Remember you, not he, gets to choose what will happen in a scene. We will go into details in later sections. This communication should take place completely out of scene, except in matters pertaining to safety. If he has anything to add, he must wait until your next talk. Say after breakfast on Saturday morning, or after dinner on some night that you are not planning on play.

Bringing up desires or fantasies during play, should not be allowed or tolerated. You must be firm on this, or it weakens your position.

Next, we'll discuss why you would want to try dominance, and how to begin your preparation.

Questions on this topic may be sent to me at: advice@madamebette-bdsm-info.

Have Fun! Play Safe!

copyright November, 2004

Learning to Domme - Part 2

What’s in it for you?

There’s a world of difference between just playing at the role of Domme, and actually enjoying being a Domme. I hope to show you how you too, can enjoy dominance. I can describe the feelings – how passionate and thrilling it can be, - but I can’t make you feel them. That you will have to discover on your own as you begin to practice domination and develop your own passion for it.

That’s what this section is about. Learning how to overcome the obstacles to your enjoyment of dominance, and developing the desire to do so. Unless there’s a desire to dominate within you, your scenes will always fall flat. Only you can unlock that desire. Not your partner, only you. You can learn about the how to’s: bondage, ways to humiliate a sub, flogging, etc. but if you don’t haven't a passion for domination, ...which can be nurtured, ...if you don’t ‘get off’ on it for yourself, it just will not work. And the truth is, some women will never enjoy it.

Now before you groan that all is lost, or secretly cheer because you think this lets you off the hook, let’s take a step back to what got you here in the first place.

Those of you who really have an interest, but aren’t sure how to go about it, or even if it’s ‘in’ you, take heart. For those of you who are only ‘doing it’ for someone, may also take heart, because I hope to show you how you may develop that side of you. You may have the capacity to dominate and enjoy it, and just don’t know it!

Why should you want to be a Domme?
Much of the research I’ve done on this subject is filled with well meaning, but misguided advice on why you should want to try domination, the so-called ‘benefits’!

Well, you can be "loved,adored and obeyed" in a vanilla relationship, so that’s not a reason to dominate. Nor is, - and this one really kills me, - telling yourself that at least your getting "free maid service"! I know several men who are ‘domestic’ and vanilla, but only a few, - although I’m sure there are certainly are a goodly number out there, I just haven’t met them, - submissive men who actually want this type of play.

Once, when I was very new in the Lifestyle, some idiot actually suggested that if I felt hesitant about dominating a guy, I should think about some male who did me wrong, and take it out on this new sub. This should never be a motivation for dominance!

Now that we got rid of those silly notions, what are we left with? We’re back to the fulfillment of a desire to dominate.

You dominate because it’s something that you enjoy; it’s erotic and fun for you and your partner.

The only thing that you really need besides a desire to try to dominate, is learn to be comfortable while pleasing and taking care of your submissive partner through domination, always making sure that your needs/wants are met first

If you aren’t comfortable, the scene probably will not work, and it won’t be any fun for you. If it’s not fun for you, then you’ll develop a reluctance instead of enthusiasm. Ditto if you don’t get your needs fulfilled. Remember, this is for mutual pleasure, so don’t shortchange yourself. If you’re comfortable, enthusiastic, and enjoying yourself in the scene, those feelings will be transmitted to your sub, greatly elevating the positive mood of the scene. Of course, the opposite is also true, if you’re not comfortable, enthusiastic, and having a great time, your sub will know, and your scene will suffer.

Preparing the foundation.
When presented in a non-threatening way, learning to Domme can be an exciting fun-filled adventure. Yes, it can. All you have to do is give it a try. And just like at BK, you can have it your way!

Unfortunately, if presented only with expectations and an agenda by the hopeful submissive, many would-be Dommes would give up, or only go through the motions, never achieving the joy of true dominance. This is the root cause of potential femdom failure.

We’ll lay the groundwork together so you can make this experience your own. Not your partner’s ideal, or some book’s version, or even mine, but dominance as you would want and enjoy it. That’s the only yardstick you need. Never compare yourself to anybody else’s.

First, and most important: The foundation for your dominance becomes flawed if you are doing what you do just to please someone else. You should want to please yourself first, and your partner, second. I’ll say this over and over, because until you understand and put this into practice, you will not succeed. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that it has to be totally pleasing to you and none for him. It could even be almost fifty-fifty, as long as you’re on top. But you need that space, for yourself, to be a successful Domme. Actually, with many submissives, the more you tip the scales in your favor, the more they derive from the play. Pleasing yourself enhances their pleasure.

Attempting to dominate doesn’t work if you feel the pressure of pleasing someone other than yourself. Your actions should be tailored to your desires, not his. NB: Of course, the Domme is responsible for her partner, his safety and his happiness, but we don’t need to go there yet. We have to get you comfortable first!

How did this quest for female dominance on your part, start? Those of you without a partner at this time please take note. You may need this advice in the future. Unless you’re exploring your dominant side on your own, most women who are reading this are here because someone asked it of them.

With the asking, came expectations. With the expectations, came pressure on you.

He drops a bomb on you: Your man did not wake up one day and say, "Gee, I think I’d like to be dominated... would you, honey?" Or maybe he did! Guys let the little head do the thinking for the big head, never forget. He has probably been thinking about it for quite some time, and has lots of ‘ideas’ for you, and expects you to do it, even if you’ve never shown any interest or inclination for dominance. You may have been aware of his interest in the lifestyle, but I’ve also heard of guys springing it on their unknowing vanilla girlfriends. However it came up, you have probably been presented with an agenda, or at least some expectations, if not a full scale "wish list"! Whether this was overwhelming to you or you took it in stride, he has set up a huge potential for failure:

If you feel pressured to please your mate, and if you are mainly seeking his approval, you have already failed, because the roles have been reversed. He’s the dominant, and you are just a vessel through which he orchestrates his fantasies. Does this make you unhappy? Well, what are we going to do about it?

Let’s get rid of all that pressure, first. So, you have my permission to take that pressure you are carrying around and chuck it! Go ahead. Do it. It may be necessary to write it down: - X pressures me because he wants me to ... - X pressures me because he has this fantasy... - X pressures me because he bought this toy and ... - X pressures me because I don’t ‘get’ this whole leather thing, I feel insecure, I don’t know what I’m doing...

Right now before you read another word!

Done? Good! Now throw it out. Do you feel any better? Well, maybe a little?

Of course we both know you didn’t throw the problem out, but we need to recognize and get rid of the feelings of pressure, insecurity, and the fear of failure before we can go on. We’ll deal with ‘problem’ next!

Making a start
What are we working with? Take a look at the types of submissives. Which category does your partner fit into? Hopefully, it’s number one. The other two are difficult enough, never mind for beginners. In any case, my advice for a ‘start’ of your domination experience will be the same.

Types of Submissives

Your partner will probably fall into one of three broad categories, which range from easy-to-please to extremely difficult.

1. Men who get off on the woman enjoying her Domme role. He may need to know that you are at least enjoying it at some level, all the way up to feeling that you actually thrive on it. These, of course, are my favorites. They are the easiest to handle because they usually don’t have a lot of agendas. They are the purest form of submissives, for unlike the next two types, they are uncorrupted by highly specific self-interest. These men are pleased and aroused to their satisfaction merely by being subjected to the power and control exerted by the Domme. Strong self-confidence and sternness are all they need to have a good experience. Take every opportunity to assert yourself both physically and verbally, however trivial, smile and relish your control over him, and the interaction will snowball into a great scene for both of you.
2. The hardcore submissive with very specific fetishes. He doesn’t care how ‘into it’ you are. Any woman who has learned the techniques and can role play, that is act out a fantasy for him, is good for him. His overwhelming need is to have his fantasies performed according to his script, but he is not so concerned with being made to feel submissive. Unless your interests dovetail nicely with his, I doubt you’ll get much, if any, pleasure out of this relationship.
3. Very specific fetishes, and a high need for dominance. As above, someone who is armed with a very specific "to-do list" of fetishes is not really being submissive at all. Unless he can be a little more flexible, and most times, he can’t, this guy is going to have a hard time finding his ‘ideal’ partner, since he also wants to possess a high drive for making him feel submissive. You can’t ‘make’ someone do what you want, and then expect them to be dominant. Something’s got to give.

Here we go. Don’t worry, and put away the rope, the floggers and the leather outfit. We won’t need them for a while. We are going to start slow and easy.

Your first step towards dominance is freeing yourself from pressure, especially as regards any expectations he may have. You need time to develop your dominance in your own way and become comfortable with it. You can’t accomplish that if he’s got a list in your face, and expectation on his. To begin with, we need to get you some breathing space!

So, tell him that his first act of submission will be to give you the space you need: - For one month, he will not bring up the subject of dominance, or play, or any of his fantasies. - No whining or begging. - He will not only not bring it up, he will put all his toys away in a locked box, and give you the key. - He will stay out of chat rooms, and not ‘play’ with anyone else, online or off, if he has been doing these things.

If he had prepared a ‘wish list’, figuratively throw it out. Forget everything he’s told you he wanted you to do to him, for now. (But save it for much later, when you’ll want to spring something outrageous on him, and you’ll be totally justified in surprising him, because HE ASKED FOR IT.) This is a new beginning.

If he wants to be dominated, it begins here and now, with you and according to you. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?

You’re on a roll

He may be wondering at this point what he started, and a little worried about what he is getting into. He’s being dominated, just not the way he may have envisioned.

Can it be fair to throw out all his fantasies and impose such harsh restraints on him just because you’ve agreed to try domination? You bet it can! The time for negotiations and discussions about fantasies, likes and needs will come later. And just so you don’t get all tense again: Just listening to him doesn’t mean you are agreeing to anything. But he must give you the time and space you need right now.

If you are going to dominate him, he must realize a few things: - He must let you do it your way. - He must allow you to find your own passion for dominance. - He must encourage it, nurture it, help it grow. - He must realize that you’re never going to be comfortable if he has a list in your face.

If he doesn’t want to go along with this, if you're dealing with either number two or number three from our list, ask him if he’d rather go back to the way things were, when you had no interest in domination. Does he want that, and will he accept that without complaint? Does he really just want some fetish play, with little or no domination, or at best, with you trying to fake it? While he may say he desires that you enjoy dominance, if he has a greater need for his fetishes to be met, then you should sit down and have a long talk. Be clear about what each of you want and need. And what you are willing to do. Perhaps you should just learn what you need in terms of skill for his particular "thing", and work out an agreement according to frequency that you’ll accommodate him. I’m a little prejudiced on this. He should never have brought dominance up if he really didn't want it, or only wanted it on 'his terms'. It seems a real shame not to pursue your exploration of dominance, however.

For those that are still with me, in the next installment, we’ll be covering what you’re going to be doing during that month. You didn’t think that it was free time, did you?

Upcoming topics: Communication as a tool to developing your Domme self. Trying out your Domme role in small doses. Discussing his fantasies. Setting limits. How to build a scene.