Finding, Living With, And Losing A Slave

by Master Ron K.

From The Leather Journal
Issue 59

This article, I am going to focus on how I view slavery and the process of finding, living with, and the possibility of losing these wonderful people we know as slaves. As always, I am expressing my own opinions on this topic. Each of our experiences in this area is different, and yet we do have some common ground to discuss this issue from. If this article helps you in your search for understanding of the issues involved, then it will have been a success for me.

Slavery Defined
For me, slavery is the ultimate expression of trust and love. In my opinion, this love and trust flow in both directions within the dynamic of this type of power exchange. My slave(s) trust me to always consider their needs as humans. They trust me to see that their needs are being attended to as a part of our relationship. Doing this well is a symbol of my love for them.

On the other side of the exchange, I trust my slaves to honor my requirements and attend to my needs. It is, after all, their function in life to make my living easier and more pleasant. Their dedicating themselves to this task is what gives them their ultimate pleasure.

How each of us in the Leather/SM/Fetish Community views the actual duties of a slave can be, and generally is, very different. Recently, during an in-depth conversation with my submissive, I noticed just how different these expectations and views of what slavery is are between us. This person and I have not yet formed a permanent Master/slave relationship, yet we have agreed that we want to explore forming such a relationship. We recognize that this will take time, understanding, communication, and a lot of commitment on both our parts.

My submissive and I have been together for several months and it had become obvious to me that my submissive could not be my slave based upon my (original) definition of what I thought I needed from a slave. I should interject here that I was using a very strict definition of slavery as a starting point in my thought. My submissive, on the other hand, desired to be a slave based upon the more limited definition of being a slave limited to sexual slavery.

In this conversation, I began to realize that there are many ways I view slavery and the functions that slaves perform for their Masters. It is impossible to talk about them all in one writing. I know that my submissive is also beginning to see the many ways outside of the bedroom that she can be of service to me within the boundaries of what she feels comfortable in giving. It is the dedication that each of us brings to our relationship and to our lives that makes it possible for us to look at the possibilities of a Master/slave relationship. Like many, and unlike many, such relationships, we are slowly beginning to understand and negotiate the terms of our relationship.

Fortunately and unfortunately, we can no longer legally enforce our ownership of slaves without their consent. It is fortunate because we are dealing with people who are actively consenting to do our bidding and this is a wonderful gift. Unfortunately, this makes us vulnerable to losing a slave, because they change and no longer desire or are able to serve our interests. In the end, I believe, this vulnerability is an enhancement to the power exchange in a Master/slave relationship. The bonds formed between Master and slave are stronger and the service given and received are more rewarding.

Finding
I don't know how many times I have been asked how to find a slave. I honestly don't believe that there is a formula, nor is there a specific place for it to happen. Personally, I think finding a slave or a Master or a Mistress is like finding any life-long partner. It happens slowly, with chemistry and communication. For me, it is the basic human relationship that must come first. If a person and I are compatible as humans first, then all of the other possibilities are open to us. If we are not compatible, there is no sense in trying to pursue anything more than a friendship and even that may be too much to ask.

I know that there are a lot of people who believe that they can train people into the roles of Master, Mistress, or slave, and that the basic compatibility issue is not that important. I also know that there are people who believe that if a person wants to be a slave badly enough, they will comply with the demands and needs of the Master/Mistress they are with. I simply cannot and will not subscribe to those thoughts and feelings. A slave can be trained to fulfill their Owners' needs, but they must have a slave personality for it to be truly fulfilling for the Master, Mistress, or slave. A Master or Mistress is not made, they simply are and they must learn to allow themselves to be what they are.

To me, Master, Mistress, and slave are not roles in the traditional sense. They are descriptions of the personalities of the people who use those titles. These are not roles that can be assumed, they are something one simply is or is not. The extent to which each of us chooses to exercise the Master, Mistress, or slave part of our personality and the areas into which we reach to take or give control vary between each and every person. By being exactly who we are, every minute of every day, our personalities will attract or repulse people dependent upon their individual personalities. Those who are attracted to us may make suitable partners.

It is my belief that being aware of those who are attracted to us and being available to them for contact is the only real way to find a Master, Mistress, or slave. Get to know the people who are around you and whom you like. Become friends with them before you become their lover. Then, after a while, if everything seems to be working, talk about the idea of a Master (Mistress)/slave relationship. Above all, communicate everything with these potential partners and never stop communicating. A lot of good relationships can be and have been stopped cold in their tracks by poor communication.

Living With
To start with, it ain't easy. Okay, before you all start jumping up and down, it is rewarding. Owning a slave or being owned as a slave is hard work for everyone involved. It is a relationship, first, foremost, and always. It takes the same kind of commitment as does a marriage or any other long-term committed human interaction, if not more. A large part of that commitment and effort is in the area of communication.

I know from my own experience that I dig very deep into how my partners (read, "slaves") look at themselves and their lives. I try to understand their needs and wants, their joys and dislikes. I do this because I can use all of these things to create the experience in life that I want them to have. Generally, it is my desire that they feel cared for and taken care of. I take great pleasure in taking them places I want to take them emotionally, mentally, and physically. Many of these places I would not be able to take them if I did not know them well.

I also have to dig into my emotional, mental, and physical needs and communicate these needs to my partners clearly. If I did not communicate my needs and desires to them, how would they know how to be pleasing in their service to me?

To do all of this requires that I and they learn to trust each other. To date, I have yet to hear a really adequate description of how deep this trust needs to be. If I ever do, I'll try to share it with you. But until then, you will have to use your own description of the trust required or my poor one, as described herein. For me, this trust must be on an instinctual level. For me, the first reaction needs to be that my partner always be accepting of me and my needs, and I believe that my partners need to feel this about me.

Losing
Every Master or Mistress will lose slaves during their lifetime. It really doesn't matter how a Master or Mistress loses a slave; be it release due to less than complete compatibility, release due to dishonorable conduct, release due to growth in separate directions, or, more rarely, the death of a slave, the impact felt can be devastatingly traumatic.

Twice in my life I have lost slaves. One slave I released because it became apparent to me that they needed to be free to grow and mature without concern for their obligations to me, and one slave was released due to dishonorable conduct.

Both times I have had to release slaves, the decision left me feeling like I had been run over by a train. My style of Mastery includes a substantial emotional bond with my slaves. Attending to their needs, training, and so on, requires a large commitment of time, energy, and emotion. With the demands upon me in the other areas of my life, I must I love my love slaves or I could not dedicate that much of myself to them.

I know some of you are saying, "Why is he dedicating himself to the, when it is they who serve him?" This is an interesting question by itself, but that is not what I am writing about this month. The fact is. I do dedicate a large part of myself to my slaves' maintenance and this requires a heart-felt commitment.

Regardless of the nature of the releases, I was left hurting as a result of both situations. I must say that releasing the slave to grow and mature unfettered was much easier to do than was releasing the slave because of dishonorable conduct. The former release was one based upon my desire to see my slave grow and mature into everything that they could be, unhindered by the natural restrictions of slavery. The latter release was the direct result of my knowing that I could no longer trust the slave.

Being prepared to lose a slave is something most people do not consider a part of being a Master. Personally, I consider this point of view as unfortunate and a bit naive. To me, it is about as foolish to believe that once someone becomes your slave they will always be your slave as it is to believe that all marriages will last forever. It just isn't reasonable to believe that every relationship will last forever. While dwelling on the possibility of losing your lover/slave would be maudlin, I believe that one should recognize and consider the impact that this can and will have upon each of us should it happen.

To start these considerations, one must first accept the premise that no one stands alone in life. We rely upon our family, friends, and lovers for some forms of support. I believe that because the Master/slave relationship is, for me, the closest of the relationships that I form, I rely upon my slaves to provide me with the most support. As a normal part of living, I teach my slaves how to help make my life easier and more fulfilling, and then rely upon them to do just that. It is this part, the service that they perform for me, that makes its loss known most fully and that causes me to revisit the loss of a slave most often. I get used to relying upon them and when they are no longer there, each time I have to do something that I relied upon them to do, I feel the loss.

Summary
Well, that's it for this article. What Masters, Mistresses, and slaves are is up for grabs, depending on who you talk to and what day of the year it is. Try to remember that we are all human first, then, when you're dealing with your slave, or your Master, or your Mistress, you will have a good beginning point of reference to work from.