Dom/me's Haven

By SoulThief

Being a good Dominant is about so much more than demanding and somehow being given your own way. There are a lot of things that go together to make a good Dominant, hopefully we can give an insight in to some of them here.

This section is primarily aimed at Dominants but that doesn't mean submissives are not welcome to read too. Though these discussions are not aimed directly at you, having a greater understanding of both sides never hurt.

We can't hope to talk about everything that makes the perfect Dominant - as far as I'm aware, such a creature doesn't exist (except in the heart of many submissives and their feelings for their Dominants). If we can offer a little advice, a little insight, perhaps show you something new or reinforce what you have already learned, that'll be enough of a success for us.

A Brief Overview

Bringing Your Sub Back In To Line

This article is not about minor correctins or dealing with a bratty submissive that needs bringing in to line in the first place. It is about what to do, months, or even perhaps years, in to a relationship, when you realize you have both drifted out of role to more of a degree than either of you are comfortable with and want to reestablish things.

Can I Convert Them?

We are all tempted, from time to time, to make people in to what we want them to be. After all, we are Dom/mes. We control people, right? This piece looks at what we can and can't bring out, the ethics involved and the common misbeliefs we labour under.

First Scenes (For Submissives)

First scenes are tricky things. You want to be able to show a novice all of the incredible things that you know: why the scene is so powerful; why it so exciting; how it can do things for them that they never new possible. At the same time they are probably nervous, are clinging to barely expanded limits and the last thing you want to do is scare them away again.

Your own style will have a large part to play in how you handle this. Some Dom/mes prefer to be very gentle while others like to come across as harsh, uncaring and demanding (even if this is only an act for the sub's benefit and not who they are underneath). Some will want to focus on the mental aspects, others on physical. Whatever your style, it will inevitably effect how you handle a first scene. The intention of this piece is to address some common issues that anyone can use.

How To Raise A Disobedient Submissive

kitten lays on the sarcasm heavily to make a lot of points about good and bad Dom/mes from a submissives perspective. Do I catch glimpses of myself in there? Absolutely - any Dom who tells you he never makes mistakes is almost certainly either lying or deluded. The trick is to have the humility to learn.

Learning To Sub Before You Can Domme

There is a commonly held theory within the scene that "A true Dominant must first learn to submit before they can learn to Dominate." While supporting the some of the logic behind the idea, this piece looks at how it is not such a black and white issue.

Punishment

A look at what purposes punishment is percieved to solve, what it really achieves and how to make it work.

Spanking

I'm going to attempt to talk about what makes a spanking work and why they so often seem to fail. While this page primarily focuses on spanking, it generally holds true for most similar forms of CP, such as flogging, cropping, paddling and so on.

Stated And True Consent

This is going to be a short piece. It is such a simple concept that there does not seem to be much to say on the subject. Still, it is one that some people still manage to miss in their enthusiasm, their convenient ignorance, or whatever. It is the notion that often, for a variety of reasons, the "stated" consent that someone gives is actually quite different to what they are, or would be, truly consenting to.

Style

Everyone has their own style. I'm not going to even begin to say "this is the way you should act." It's the variety of styles that keeps life interesting. I'll stick with my usual "so long as it's safe, sane and consensual, it doesn't bother me". So what is it I'm trying to talk about? I guess it's the question of how to come across as Dominant and stylish rather than simply being pushy and aggressive.

Telling Someone They Are Not A Sub

Addressing the misconception that it is ever OK to tell someone they are not a sub.

Note: This is also addressed, from a sub's perspective, in Sub's Haven and may well be worth reading too.

You Can Be Wrong

A Dom/me is supposed to be this wonderful, infalable creature, in complete control, never letting anything bad happen, nor making mistakes.

OK, enough of the unrealistic fantasy. No matter how much of a Dom/me we are, we are humans first, Dom/mes second. The unfortunate reality is that humans do make mistakes. So, how should we deal with them?