Dominant Training

by Jack Peacock

We all read about how a submissive should be trained, but what about the dominant? I've heard answers ranging from "read the S & M Good Books" to "learn to be submissive first". None of that advice seems to be useful or applicable to me. What did occur to me is the similarity between leadership qualities and what I would call positive dominant attributes.

A friend sent me an interesting web page the other day. It was a list compiled by Colin Powell, once military head of the US armed forces under Bush The Elder during the Gulf War, now Secretary of State (that's the US equivalent of the foreign minister) under Bush The Younger, and just maybe a future US President in the making. It was titled: 18 Lessons From A Very Successful Leader, URL at: http://www.littleafrica.com/career/powell.html I thought I might go over some of the items on his list as they might apply to D/s. Though his list is aimed at leadership, I find the same qualities are necessary to make a good dominant or master.

1. Good leaders sometimes make people unhappy." A dominant cannot choose the path of mediocrity, hoping every decision he makes meets with herapproval. He has to face tough decisions and choose a course. It may not be one she likes, he may not like it either, but sometimes there are no good answers. As the dominant partner it is his job to weigh benefits against risks, needs, and wants. Whether he assigns the right priorities or not is the burden he must bear alone. It's not only "other" people who may be unhappy at what he does; he must be able to live with the results as well.
2. The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help them or concluded that you do not care. Either case is a failure of a relationship." Substitute submissive for soldier and it fits right into a D/s framework. Failure to keep to the dominant role destroys confidence as surely as breaking promises. Acting as though the role of master is one of being aloof and unapproachable is a guarantee to future disaster when the sub begins to feel he doesn't care and can't be bothered by her seemingly petty concerns.
3. Don't be buffaloed by experts and elites. Experts often possess more data than judgment. Elites can become so inbred that they produce hemophiliacs who bleed to death soon as they are nicked by the real world." This is one of my favorites, and a recurring theme whenever someone asks my opinion about D/s. How often do we see the self-proclaimed experts with exactly twenty years experience and some vast number of submissives supposedly trained by them? Yet when pressed for specifics it turns out they haven't been able to sustain a relationship in the real world for any appreciable length of time, nor do they offer up any more than the usual clichés when asked what they've learned from their years of experience. I make no claims to being an expert on D/s; I only offer up my own opinions and let those who read then draw their own conclusions as to the worth.
4. Don't be afraid to challenge the pros, even in their own backyard." This parallels my own favorite saying, that no one has a monopoly on wisdom. The "pros" may have valuable information and life experiences they should share, but they may also have reached the point where they no longer have the open, questing mind so necessary to learning. Publishing a book five or ten years ago is an admirable accomplishment, but what has happened in the intervening years? D/s itself might date to the earliest days of the human race, but that doesn't mean it's static and unchanging. Just look at how much the Internet has changed our perceptions.
5. Never neglect details. When everyone's mind is dulled or distracted, the leader must be doubly vigilant." The corollary in d/s is that a master notices all the little details. Her self-esteem is based, in part, not only on what she does for him but that he enjoys and values her contribution. If he exercises his power but fails to show appreciation for the results then he has lost sight of what a d/s relationship is about.

   Some things I found of value were certain simple, unobtrusive rules my wife was required to follow without exception. One of those was a requirement to wear earrings each evening at dinner. She never made any comment on what she thought of it, but she did keep to it as much as possible. I made the effort to notice each night. We often made a little game of it, where she would make a big production out of selecting the appropriate ones and email me about it before I got home from work. It became important to her, a point where she marked each day, the time when she would have to stop whatever she was doing and go pick something out of her jewelry box. There was never a chance I wouldn't notice, because the second part of the rule was that she had to ask before removing them.

6. You don't know what you can get away with until you try." My first thought on this one was, hmmm, is this good advice or bad? Then I read through Gen. Powell's explanation and thought about it. His point is that good leaders don't need to get approval from someone else first. They don't act rashly, but neither do they let others hold them back. To dominate is to set the agenda and act on it, not argue it's worth.

   I don't see this as a license to pursue excess. A dominant essentially has to regulate himself. The problem starts when he transfers some of that self-control to another person. He needlessly limits his own abilities by allowing in doubt to eat away at his confidence. He still has to think through on his decisions, anticipate the possible consequences, but if there is a possibility someone might not approve that doesn't put a halt to everything. It's just another factor to evaluate; perhaps irritating some third party is necessary. Mothers-in-law come to mind as good examples.

7. Keep looking below surface appearances. Don't shrink from doing so (just) because you might not like what you find." This is a warning not to become complacent. The relationship may appear to be stable and successful, but are there problems growing in the background? A master cannot rely on the appearance of contentment; he has to look for the small signs, the inconsistencies that tell him he must ask some pointed questions.
8. Organization doesn't really accomplish anything. Plans don't accomplish anything, either. Theories of management don't much matter. Endeavors succeed or fail because of the people involved. Only by attracting the best people will you accomplish great deeds." All the research and training in the world cannot make one a good dominant or submissive. We can talk about situations, procedures, techniques, but all count for nothing if there isn't that spark inside all of us. The spark that drives us to dominate or submit, and to seek out that special someone to make us complete. This is why I am especially cynical about those who claim to "train" submissives or even run schools. They are people who are quick to claim some kind of experience, or try to impress with numbers, but always fail when it comes to explanations about results.

   I don't discount knowledge here though. It is not enough to have the drive and intelligence to succeed. There have to be the tools of education to build on as well. The smartest engineer in the world would never have gotten out of his cave if he had to reinvent the wheel every day.

9. Organization charts and fancy titles count for next to nothing." The fancy titles run rampant in online d/s circles. Why I really don't know. Someone once told me it's a way to identify dominant and submissive, but I find that overly simplistic. I think people choose titles to project an image: the dark, somewhat sinister knight with the medieval peerage title; or the soft yielding picture in submissive names. Nothing wrong with it as long as it isn't taken too seriously but there's no place for it in the real world. In real life the fancy title evokes no picture except one of the pompous buffoon, one with so little confidence in his own ability he must rely on the crutch of a lengthy title.
10. Never let your ego get so close to your position that when your position goes, your ego goes with it." Part of being dominant is the insistence on having it done one way. Call it egotistical, or my favorite, pig-headed stubborn, but I think it is part of what makes a dominant effective, the appearance of the force of will so necessary to *get it done*. However, as Gen. Powell makes the point here, there comes a time to cut losses, admit mistakes, and rethink the problem. Someone who feels he must be seen as infallible no matter how egregious the error is a risk to himself and everyone around him.

    I often make the point that I base decisions on what I know at the time. Subsequent events may prove me wrong, and if that happens so be it. To sit idly by and make no choice is in itself a decision too, so there is no abrogation of responsibility no matter what position I do or do not take. Sometimes I get it right (hopefully most of the time), but there have been and will be times I really screw up. When it happens I live with it, try to learn what to look for next time, and do what I can to recover from disaster. Now I'd like to be infallible, and there is an emotional cost when I fail, especially when someone else suffers too, but my ego does not go with it because I did my due diligence. As long as I make the effort to think through possibilities and anticipate results I can still look at myself in the mirror each morning.

    Aside from mistakes, this is another warning about becoming complacent, a theme that runs throughout Gen. Powell's list. Now by definition a dominant is pretty much in charge of the relationship, so he takes the lead in structuring roles and responsibilities. That's expected, and it hopefully works out so that both are happy and content. But what works today may not apply a year, or five, down the road. Consistency is essential as a bedrock of security for the submissive, but for both Dom and sub there have to be times when the basic assumptions are re-examined. No changes may be needed, but the status quo is preserved as a result of mutual understanding, not out of misplaced pride.

11. Fit no stereotypes. Don't chase the latest management fads. The situation dictates which approach best accomplishes the team's mission." When I first stumbled across the D/s and BDSM sites and IRC areas on the internet I was surprised at how large they were and that so many people were actively involved. I didn't know much, so I sat back, lurked and listened, rarely joining in. I hesitated because what I read didn't seem to fit with what I believed. That was over four years ago, but as late as a few weeks ago I still saw the same thing, the claim that a d/s relationship has to include certain elements of SM or it isn't somehow real. Stereotypes and fads of which I want no part.

    A dominant has to think for himself. He has to learn to trust his own instincts, resist peer pressure, and when doubts arise about the validity of advice and experience shared by others, he has to examine those doubts critically. Letting someone else replace shrewd judgment with unthinking rote clichés is a sure path to eventual failure in the relationship.

12. Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier." From my own experience I learned that submissives have a natural talent for heightened sensitivity to their dominant's mood. The first time my wife looked at me and repeated, word for word, something I had been worrying about just a moment before, I saw for myself just how well-developed that talent can be.

    A dominant has to be the eternal optimist, at least as much as is humanly possible. She reacts to his moods; if he's gloomy and depressed she will reflect it back to him tenfold. But if he's always looking for the bright side, adversity is only another challenge to be overcome, she draws strength from his confidence and happily stands at his side, working with him to overcome any obstacle.

13. Powell's Rules for Picking People - Look for intelligence and judgment and, most critically, a capacity to anticipate, to see around corners. Also look for loyalty, integrity, a high energy drive, a balanced ego and the drive to get things done." This one I think is obvious. How often do we sit down and decide "okay, I want to build my life around an idiot who's a lazy, lying cheater I couldn't trust to walk around the block without getting into trouble." Everything Gen. Powell mentions is a good attribute to look for in a dominant, and for that matter a submissive too (provided the drive to get things done is based on what the *dominant* wants done...hey, I'm prejudiced, no excuses).

    Prior experience is important too, but only if someone learns from it. The dominant who has the infamous "twenty years experience with numerous subs" is boasting of his failure to learn how to keep a relationship going. An unbroken record of failures does little to enhance credibility. Better someone with no experience but an energetic mind willing to learn. They can do no worse, but have the ability and opportunity to do much better.

14. Great leaders are almost always great simplifiers, who can cut through argument, debate and doubt to offer a solution everybody can understand." There is always the temptation to overanalyze anything. Remember those times in English class where the teacher asked "now what is the poet trying to say?" Maybe the poet isn't trying to say anything, it's just that the particular combination sounded nice to the ear. Or maybe the author wrote that story so she could pay the rent; no hidden deep meaning except "I don't want to be evicted." D/s relationships don't have to be complicated either. No lengthy contracts or secret code words needed.

    At first I thought I needed to spell out a contract (yup, following a fad) but after the second day Karen and I concluded it was a silly and wasted effort. We had discussed our views, what we each saw as our roles, and we found ourselves in agreement on just about everything. We didn't have to put it in writing (well, actually we did anyway, sort of, we talked about it endlessly on IRC and she saved the conversations). She trusted my judgment, I trusted her, end of debate. Same thing when we got married. I asked myself if there was any reason not to (there wasn't), then simply told her when we were getting married. She raised no objections, it was the right thing to do, obvious to both of us.

15. Use the formula P=40 to 70, in which P stands for the probability of success and the numbers indicate the percentage of information acquired. Once the information is in the 40 to 70 range, go with your gut." Abstracting the math, his idea is that one should be reasonably certain of success, at least 40 percent, but to wait for that elusive 100 percent takes too long. It's easy to become paralyzed by indecision, never making a move unless the results are absolutely certain. Time is always a factor; wait too long and opportunity is lost.

    Gen. Powell brings up something I feel is crucial to being dominant: trust your instincts, or as he says, go with your gut feeling. When I first met Karen, I had a feeling she was someone very different from the people I had met on IRC up to then. In retrospect that very first day she stood out because of the way she could keep the conversation going. She listened to what I said, asked intelligent questions, and offered her own opinions. Not slanted opinions to tell me what I wanted to hear, but ones obviously her own, even if we disagreed. Instinct told me to keep talking and come back the next day. Fortunately I went with that gut feeling.

16. The commander in the field is always right and the rear echelon is wrong, unless proven otherwise." This comment was aimed at the corporate drone culture, but I interpret it as a warning against recriminations and second-guessing too. It's easy to point out all the things that went wrong after the fact, but it has to be balanced with credit for the willingness to take risks. Silence, the failure to speak up beforehand, is tacit agreement. A D/s relationship can't survive in an atmosphere of criticism after the fact. The Dom as field commander makes the call, the sub as the rear echelon accepts the results by recognizing there is no benefit to jumping all over him if he did his best.
17. Have fun in your command. Don't always run at a breakneck pace. Take leave when you've earned it: Spend time with your families." This is one area where I still have problems. I am a workaholic, but I enjoy what I do. I do find ways to relax, though it isn't obvious to the outsider. It may be writing an essay like this, or reading a good book, or even going out in the desert to fire off a few hundred rounds from the AK-47 (keeping democracy safe from dangerously rabid cans). I enjoyed the quiet times we had, even if it was no more than watching a cooking show on TV (our favorites: Two Fat Ladies and Iron Chef).
18. Command is lonely." It all comes down to the point where the buck stops. By the way, that saying comes from an American riverboat gambling tradition, where a buck knife (handle made from horn of a buck deer) was passed around the table to indicate turn to bet, the player made a wager or literally passed the buck to the next player. No matter how much discussion and planning go into it, the essence of a D/s relationship is strictly hierarchical, with the dominant at the top. No one else to blame if it goes wrong, no one else to pass off the hard choices.

    At times it can be a lonely place. Many times I had tough problems to face with no good answers. I talked to my wife about them when I thought it appropriate, but not every time. It was my responsibility to worry about it and determine what we would do. It was important to me she did not bear the stress unless it was unavoidable. I've heard arguments that's not the right approach, and there were times she didn't like it either, but overall I would do the same again.

    I would follow the same policy because I saw tangible, measurable results. When I first met Karen her blood pressure was exceptionally high, at dangerous levels. She was taking medication for it, but it still remained at far too high readings. Two years later it had dropped to well within normal range, to the point where her doctor stopped the blood pressure medicine. What changed? Her stress level. Now my stress level did go up, but that didn't bother me (and my blood pressure didn't change). I knew it would happen and allowed for it.

    That's the list. I don't always agree with Gen. Powell's policies today (my politics are to the right of Margaret Thatcher or Ronald Reagan) but I do have a deep respect for his reputation and ability. I take the time to listen to what he says, even if the price is a broken TV when I throw the lamp at the screen afterwards. If anyone were to actually try to write a training manual for dominants, they would do well to start with his leadership list as an outline.

Copyright © 1998-2001 by Jack Peacock all rights reserved.
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