The Dom Fever

By Raven Shadowborne © March 26, 1999

This is a term I use to describe that sense of urgency that many new dominants feel. This sense of urgency creates a dangerous mindset, in that the need to experience everything now overrides the common sense to be careful.

Let me describe this, a person reads about BDSM on the web and it gets them hot. The idea of tying someone up, spanking them, teasing them sexually, and having them follow your every command is highly arousing to them. Many think of the words "sex slave" as a first thought and go on the assumption that all submissives are sex slaves. This stimulates the mind and the body. The person may actually find themselves sitting at the computer and looking at the web sites and becoming uncomfortably physically aroused. (this same scenario works for magazines, books, chat rooms etc.). This person then begins to crave the play that comes with this lifestyle. When they finally have their first experience, even if it is a very light scene, they often increase their need for more. They want to experience the "power" of being a dominant more often.

When this need gets too high it will overwhelm one's common sense. The person finds them self thinking "Oh that only happens to other people!" or "I am being careful, I know I am" while going out and playing with someone they just met. Or signing a contract before they fully realize the scope of the commitment they just made. Or entering into a 24/7 relationship before they even know whether or not they will get along with the other person. Or collaring a submissive before they even know what the responsibility that entails. 

I remember when I was real new to the lifestyle in the sense that I knew others who were in it as well. I also got that "fever". The urgency to experience everything yesterday if not sooner. I made a few mistakes which cost me dearly on an emotional level and could have cost me my life. When a submissive is in a scene, naked and bound, he or she is totally helpless and at the mercy of the dominant. The dominant shoulders the responsibility of checking on the submissive's physical condition, keeping the scene within the agreed upon limits (if any) and stopping before real physical harm can occur. Often, this play will include implements that the dominant has never used before and has no real idea of how to use it but thinks "heck, it can't be that hard to swing a crop!" A very dangerous thing to think about. Learning to use the physical toys correctly is a major part of being a dominant.

BDSM is a lot of fun, but it is also very serious and very dangerous. Yes, the physical sensations are wonderful. The emotional closeness between a dominant and a submissive is marvelous. The personal satisfaction (both physical and emotional) can be quite strong. A dominant is as vulnerable to harm as a submissive. A submissive who cries rape is probably going to be believed, no matter what the dominant has as so called "proof" of consent.

The mental responsibilities that a dominant has, are an area that often gets lost in the shuffle of the "fever". One tends to forget that the submissive submits more than just physically and that has to be taken into consideration. As well, the dominant has to have a good knowledge of their submissive in order to effectively control him/her. The dominant must be able to control him/herself before he/she can ever hope to control another.

Slow down, take your time and get to know yourself before you try getting to know a partner. Discovering domination is a powerful thing, that can have many repercussions that you can't even imagine right now. Often, this discovery can shake the very foundation of your beliefs. That does not just settle down over night. Take the time to learn about BDSM in general, the different types of relationships, different levels of submission, and all the other things before you commit yourself to a relationship that you may not be ready to handle. BDSM is not all just physical sensation, to many people it includes a deep mental aspect. You have to have at least an idea of what you want out of BDSM, before you get into a relationship that might not meet those needs. As a dominant, you have to have a working understanding of the responsibility a dominant shoulders. Further, you have to know how to use the implements as safely as possible. There is a lot that one has to learn before they can seriously consider a full time relationship.

If you take your time now, you will be grateful for having that patience later.