Common Insults Thrown At New Dominants

By Raven Shadowborne © 1999

Since I have been online, I have met many different people. Some of whom turned out to be less than honest, most of whom turned out to be very close to (if not exactly) how they appeared on line, in real life. One of the things I have noticed though, is a trend from those who label themselves as dominants or submissives, to insult a dominant whenever he/she thinks or acts in a different manner from their own. This seems to occur most frequently when a dominant is new to the lifestyle and makes a statement such as a submissive should be obedient. In many cases it seems that those insults are tossed out to promote the "one true way" of living BDSM by degrading any other view and keeping others away from that view through a label of "This person is dangerous". It seems to work very well with those who are new to the lifestyle. I, personally, find this practice abhorrent to say the least. So I wanted to write a little bit about this topic.

The first insult that gets tossed is "You are not a true dominant!". Well since no one really knows what a true dominant is, this is a fairly ridiculous statement. Further, since the only person who knows whether or not someone is a dominant to any degree is that person themselves, no one else has the right to tell them what they are. This insult can make many people feel that they are indeed not dominant, which may or may not be true, and cause them to stop learning about themselves and the lifestyle. It can cause a new dominant to dismiss any other venues of learning and continue acting how they are, which may very well be abusive. Like the similar insult to a submissive, it can be tossed as a manipulative statement to get someone to do something they do not want to do out of a fear that if they don't they will not gain acceptance into this lifestyle.

Another common insult to a dominant is "You are really a submissive" or similar statements. Again, since the only person who can 100% know what is inside another person at any given moment is that person themselves. It often is used by people to lay blame on a dominant for asking a question of something they are not sure of. Inadvertently strengthening the misconception of dominants as gods. I feel that when someone who is new to the lifestyle asks a question, it is because they need the answer. This insult also is used to get someone to leave the lifestyle by causing them to believe they are not capable of functioning within in.

Interestingly enough, these insults (and others, which can be placed in either of the two above categories) are most often used against those who are new to the lifestyle, by people who are not truly seeking a BDSM relationship, but instead seem to be seeking an occasional play partner. In the case of someone who is mentoring a new person to this lifestyle, as the relationship goes on, eventually the subject of whether or not the mentor thinks the dominant is indeed a dominant, will come up. In the circumstances that the mentor has good knowledge of the dominant, then the statement may indeed be spoken as the truth. Though, I feel that in those cases the person may have already figured that out for themselves.

Another thing I have noticed with these insults is that many try to say there is only one right way to be dominant and use these statements to dismiss anyone that does not fit their view of what a dominant is. This is false as well. There are many different kinds of dominants and many different styles of domination. I feel that instead of insulting someone who is different than the kind of dominant one may be looking for, it is more desirable to try and understand this particular person's needs and desires. Doing this will increase tolerance and one's personal understanding of BDSM in general. One may be very surprised by how much one can learn from someone who is different from themselves.

The worst thing that occurs with new dominants is the false belief by many people that a dominant knows everything. This can make it more difficult for someone who is new to seek out the knowledge they need to practice their dominance as safely as possible for themselves and their submissives. By the use of these insults it inadvertently strengthens this misconception and creates a situation where new people can not learn more about themselves and BDSM in general. This increases the chances of a dominant acting out of ignorance, physically hurts a submissive. Which in turn, hurts the lifestyle as a whole by adding credence to the misconception that all we are out to do is abuse other people by increasing the number of accidents.

In a lifestyle that is as varied as this one is, the people who insist on throwing such insults at others do this lifestyle and themselves a great disservice. I believe, it shows a true lack of understanding of this lifestyle and the things which make up domination and submission.

Each person in this lifestyle must decide for themselves what they consider to be BDSM and what they do not, but they should also keep in mind that another's view may differ and that does not make their view wrong.