Bringing Your Sub Back Into Line

By SoulThief

Introduction

This article is not about minor corrections or dealing with a bratty submissive that needs bringing in to line in the first place. It is about what to do, months, or even perhaps years, in to a relationship, when you realize you have both drifted out of role to more of a degree than either of you are comfortable with and want to reestablish things.

If you wish to see a genuine example of the issues talked about, read the "Long Term Problems" piece in the Experiences section

Truly Understand The Issues

There really are no good quick fixes in life. I could offer you a couple of tricks that would make things a bit better - for a while; but in end you will be back where you started, a little later and perhaps a little more tired.

So, the first step is to really understand why things have reached the point they have done. You probably will not like the answers but without addressing them, you will also never really solve them and find a good, lasting solution.

As well as doing your own soul searching, you need to talk to your submissive. You may be the greatest mind reader that has ever lived, normally, but if things have got to the point where there is obviously something wrong, it is a fair bet that there are some things happening that you are not aware of. Even if you are convinced that you have identified the roots of the problems, your submissive has probably internalized them a little differently and you really need to understand their perspective too, if you intend to make a difference.

When asking your submissive to communicate, especially if things have been tense for a while, it is probably worth addressing your listening style. Studies show that most of us only listen at about 25% efficiency. What is more, our listening efficiency is not just how well we listen but it is how well others feel able to open up to us. If things have been bad, no matter how well we think we listen, our submissives are probably going to be very guarded.

There are entire books written on the subject of listening and I strongly recommend reading them to any Dominant. As a very quick summary: Give all of your attention to your submissive - do not flick through a book or magazine while talking, turn off the TV, radio or computer monitor that is on in the background, turn to face them and only them. Open up your body language - this is probably going to be a tense time but try and relax back in to a chair, uncross your arms and legs and try to avoid frowning (even in concentration). Repeat phrases they use - try and reword something they have just said as it shows that you were not only listening but are making sure you understand and will remember it. Do not try and solve anything now - you are trying to find out the issues, not solve them yet. If you try finding and giving solutions (which is a big part of why you are a Dominant, I realize) you are actually stopping them from saying everything they need to say.

Hopefully, if you can apply all of those concepts and simply listen, your submissive should be able to share all of their feelings. It is probably going to be tough, discovering all of the ways in which you have failed, but you can console yourself with the realization that, by trying to understand everything, you are doing the very best thing you can now.

Once you feel you have all of the information, both from what you have identified and what your submissive has identified, spend some more time thinking about it. Try to figure out where the causes of all of the problems lie and how you can address the roots of the issues.

Address Your Own Issues First

If you have reached this stage and you are thinking about all of the things that your submissive has been doing wrong and how to correct them, you are probably still missing the point.

By and large, most behaviors are reactive. Your submissive has been going too far? Then you probably have not been firm enough with their boundaries. Your submissive is being a brat? Then they may well be trying to get you to respond to them and feel like their Dominant again. They have been acting less and less submissively and more and more Dominant? Maybe you have not been taking responsibility (for whatever reason) and they have been left feeling that they have to take charge in order to look after their Dominant.

The point is, trying to institute corrections for your submissive will only be partially successful if the problems you are seeing are really symptoms caused by problems with yourself. Until you have addressed the issues you have, it is unfair to try correcting your submissive.

It sucks to hear this? Yes, it does, but we all tend to be guilty of it from time to time. Read the piece "Long Term Problems" in the Experiences section to see how I managed to make exactly the same mistake.

Once you have addressed any issues stemming from yourself, much of what was built upon them will start to resolve itself. Even so, your submissive will benefit from having any issues relating to them dealt with, being brought back in to line and reassured that everything will return to how it should be.

Re-Address The Rules

At the very beginning of all of this, the assumption was that your submissive had strayed from where they were supposed to be. Even if all of the problems were reactive, they were characterized by their no longer behaving as you both wish. Now is the time to correct that.

The first part of correcting is to ensure that they still know the rules that they are expected to abide by. Things have probably been unsettled for a while and they have been acting out of character (be that because they felt they had to or because they were allowed to sip). Either way, expecting them to remember everything is probably unfair.

Consider drafting a list of the rules that you expect your submissive to follow. Depending on your style, you may wish to have them work with you, re-establishing this list. Once you have the list, talk through it with them, making sure they understand everything, and then make sure it is put somewhere that you can both easily refer to.

As a final note on re-addressing the rules - do not consider the list final. Lists of rules work much better if you feel able to add to and modify them as issues arise.

Be Firm And Consistent

Once you have the list and your submissive knows what they are, make sure they are consistently and firmly applied. Make sure you praise your submissive every time they do well and punish quickly and firmly every time they fail.

It may seem as though I am suggesting you go a little over the top, that your style is more reserved than that, but the point is that you are not 'maintaining' at this point, you are re-establishing. Considering how far from the norm things are likely to have strayed, I find it is much better to pull them back in to place quickly and then rebuild than it is to wait through months of unsettled gentle re-establishment.

Conclusion

There really are no simple quick fixes. To bring a submissive back in to line, you need to find out why they are out of line in the first place and address that. In addressing the root cause, you will probably find that it is as much something in yourself that needs addressing, as it is something in them. Once you have addressed it, hopefully then you can address the resulting issues with them. By re-establishing where their limits lie and firmly enforcing every last aspect, you should be able to bring your submissive back to where you are both happiest.