A Missing Element of Aftercare

by PonieGirl

We have heard the usual BDSM catch phrases. We've all heard how philosophically BDSM is based on truth and honesty.

The REAL truth, however, is that truth can be an illusive thing when mixed with the human element. Sexual situations are often cloudy versions of 'the truth,' and it seems to make little difference that BDSM is involved.

We are all familiar with the scene in 'When Harry Met Sally,' where Meg Ryan gives us her Oscar quality version of a faked orgasm. Do we REALLY believe that because this is BDSM this doesn't happen? I have heard many a submissive or bottom comment that they wanted their top or dominant to be pleased, to think he or she was being ultra successful in a scene. Often submissives feel they will be a disappointment if they do not proclaim every scene a complete success.

Competent Dominants learn that aftercare is very important after a scene, especially an intense one. What does this consist of?

There are the usual litany of steps to aftercare: keeping them warm, holding or caressing them, making them feel safe, watching their body language and reading them for any signs of physical distress. The really important part of aftercare is discussion of the scene, finding out how he or she felt, what they thought, and so on. Why then is 'the truth' often the missing element of these discussions?

Submissives and bottoms need to know that a knowledgeable dominant will have a good idea of what you have experienced. Do not enhance these discussions with overdone diatribes of how you entered sub space, blacked out and so on. Tell the truth. Did it REALLY feel that good? Everyone likes to think that their sexual prowess is appreciated, however, this is not the time for ego stroking.

This is a time for the truth. Sometimes things tried in a scene just don't elevate to a level of ultimate fulfillment. Submissives need to know that its all right if it doesn't, and to evaluate the scene for what they DID learn, or DID experience.

Most of us were taught as children that even a little white lie or small embellishment of the truth can often dig us a deeper hole at a later time. This is especially true in BDSM. To pretend you loved something for the sake of pleasing your dominant is a mistake you will pay for again and again. It will grow like a cancer between the two of you, creating havoc on the relationship you longed for.

Dominants have a responsibility in this area as well. Encourage your submissive to discuss the scene as soon after as possible.

Remember that getting to the bottom of his or her feelings and experiences during the scene will strengthen your ability to command the next scene with even more expertise. This is how you will learn his or her triggers; the techniques that will lead to even greater scening success. Never rush through this part of aftercare. LET THEM TALK. Listen intently when they relate the scene to you in the way they experienced it.

Pay attention to admissions of fear, excitement, or frustration. An intuitive Dominant that takes the time to listen has additional weapons in his or her arsenal of technique. This is also a good time to introduce ideas on what you might like to try next time to change or improve the sensations.

Make the 'truth' be a required and necessary element of aftercare. This is the key to success in growing together in the REAL realm of BDSM.