White Light, Black Leather
An SM Spirituality Primer

by Chris M.

Aftercare

"She took me to the edge of heaven, and then dropped me"
"It would have all been alright if he had been nice to me afterwards"
submissive reminisces on a two bad scenes.

"Oh, crap. I've got a meeting in 30 minutes. Bye."
Grand Prize for Worst Aftercare ever

Aftercare is the last act of the SM drama. It is the culmination, the pulling together of all loose ends, the finishing touches, the final communion between sharers of the SM ritual, the phase where the participants (usually the tops) formally give the fantasy scene a context in everyday reality. It's technical purpose is to transition both players from the elevated states created in a scene back into normalcy, returning to the motor control and awareness they will need to drive home once the scene is over. But as any good SM practitioner will tell you, it's much more than that. It is the time after the action when the participants come together in mutual affirmation that something special was created and shared. It is when affection and closeness is offered and sought. It is, at very least, the proper time to express thanks to the person who has shared this tiny segment of your life with you. It can be, and often is, the most beautiful part of a scene, and it is part of the scene. To skip it altogether is as rude as having dinner at a friend's house, and bolting once you've eaten your fill.

Aftercare is basic to the planning of any SM scene, especially for intense, edgy scenes where the participants go deep. Play that is physically heavy, intensely emotional, or improvisational, with lots of twists and turns, can leave your partner shaken, shaky, vulnerable and exposed, making it all the more crucial to guide them safely back to earth. Some people, even after satisfying play, may experience "Crash": feelings of anxiety, exposure, embarrassment, guilt or emotional overload. In short, Crash is the SM equivalent to the post coital blues. And how well you take care of your partner will say a great deal about what the scene really meant, whether it was just a quickie or a deep beautiful bond bringing you closer together as people.

Aftercare also allows some recovery if things didn't go as well as they could have. In a "broken" scene, sensitive compassionate and intelligent aftercare is all that stands between you and a bad reputation. Aftercare is especially important following:

Scenes that are demanding and intense
Scenes that involve new partners or new techniques
Scenes that involve punishment, humiliation or intimations of nonconsensuality
Scenes that result in tears, screams, orgasm or emotional release.
Scenes that have been interrupted by an accident, injury, fainting or unseemly act of God.
Scenes that have "gone bad" resulting in anger, or upset, or ending on a safe word (both top and bottom may well need/appreciate some reassurance if this happens)

The emotional afterglow following the SM fireworks is not unlike the post coital buzz following sex, and your actions and words will speak five times louder than normal. You can frame the scene beautifully with tenderness and respect, or blow it completely. And just as a perfectly executed single tail strike would be calamitously wrong if it followed a safe-word, a wonderful scene can be wrecked by inexpert, thoughtless or cavalier behavior once the "play phase" of the scene has ended. Bad aftercare (a category including "No aftercare") can do damage that is basically incalculable. It can leave your partner feeling queasy, unsatisfied, or used, ruin an otherwise great scene, or damage the trust and affection your partner has in you, if you are seen as arrogant, uncaring or clueless in that time of maximum tenderness and exposure.

But if aftercare is done well it can double the impact of a good scene. Aftercare can confirm that the scene just ended had meaning and the gifts of dominance and submission had value. It can attach the scene to the rest of your life in a way that it makes sense and is remembered as a good, validating experience, even if it hurt like hell!

Why aftercare is often done poorly

As important as it is, precious little has been written about Aftercare in the SM texts currently in print, and at the time of writing, it tends to be overlooked in educational forums. In Black Rose, we did not prepare our first aftercare presentation until our twelfth year! This is an extraordinary omission, when you think about it, because, unlike even SM staples like flogging, aftercare is - or should be - part of every scene we do.
Unlike many other play techniques, there are no standard methodologies for how to do aftercare. Different personalities, tools, techniques, play intensities demand different levels of intimacy, touching, and duration, and no single approach is ever guaranteed to work.
In a party scenario, one, or both, players may be in a rush to move on to another scenes or may have a partner, or date, waiting for them.
Because aftercare may be more physically intimate than the play phase of the scene, one or both players may not feel comfortable hugging and caressing a partner they feel happy to take a flogging from.
Sheer ignorance: Many think the technical stuff concludes the scene is over, and have no idea how important aftercare is in making a good scene better. Bottoms are generally unaware that the top needs any support or gratitude when a scene has ended.

The good news is that aftercare can be easily improved achieved through adherence to one simple principal: Active concern and care for your partner. Most people don't regard a scene as empty pageantry, but as a genuine connection between the real you and the real them. Your behavior after a scene will dictate to a great extent how what the scene means to both of you. And the silver lining of aftercare is that caring action can salvage a weak, or broken scene, and make a potentially unpleasant experience worthwhile anyway.

The physical mechanics of aftercare

As the pistons stop pumping, as the breathing returns to normal, as you and your partner prepare to return from wherever your play has transported you, there are a number of simple, mechanical activities that need to happen.

Removing your partner from bondage, or blindfolding.
Treating any first aid issues that need to be tended to. Cleaning and dressing any wounds.
A bathroom break might be in order.
If you and your partner have been standing sitting down might be nice. If your partner has been bound stretching out might be good.
Holding, talking, being together, allowing time for heart rate and breathing return to normal
Food & drink (water is always good, or fruit juice for a little post scene pick up).
A transitioning out of scene roles into the roles of equal compassionate friends (unless it is important for one or both of you to STAY in role).
Permitting the submissive to return to a state of dress (unless there's more!)
Responding to any physical or emotional needs the submissive may have (talking about the scene, tears, etc.)
Cleanup of the scene equipment and play area

These can all be ritualized and preformed with tenderness and reverence to maintain the headspace of the scene even as the mechanics of the scene are dismantled.

The spiritual dimension

More important even than your partner's physical condition is their emotional state. And unlike the standard aftercare techniques listed above, this process is exploratory and changes every time you do it. Leave time after a scene to be with the person you've played with. For a short scene in a one hour play window, fifteen to twenty minutes seems reasonable, but you may need more, may need less. Don't set a time limit if you don't have to.

In general, aftercare is a good time to move from the more polarized roles of play (top/bottom, master/slave, etc.) into more equal roles of mutual friendship, nurturing, and respect. Holding cuddling and touching is nice, depending on your relationship to your partner. Depending on your level of intimacy, and the time available, so is bathing together, sharing a nap, sex, or grabbing some food, more talk, reading aloud to your partner, a sponge bath, or a massage. Some like their faces touched... But bear in mind that what works for some will not work for all. What seems affectionate and sweet to some may be mushy and silly to others, or inappropriately intimate, if it involves more kissing and intimate touching than your partner is comfortable with. And Dominants, if cuddling is too touchy-feely for you, at least staying in your partners presence is good form (have them sit with you, at your feet, fetch you drinks, stroke their hair, etc.) Some ideas for expressing affection that aren't too forward include kisses on forehead, hugs, holding hands and nuzzle heads, or hugs given to the side holding your partner hip to hip.

Talk is important, and affirmation is your first and foremost duty. Express satisfaction, (or at least gratitude) after a scene. Tell your partner how nice it was. Murmur sweet nothings. Express gratitude and warmth. If the scene turned you on, say so. "You suffer so beautifully... You really turned me on... I really love the sounds you make... you look so great on that cross... your eyes are incredible when your tied up... I hope I didn't go too far... I'd love to do this again sometime... " Express caring and concern. How did the scene go? Ask about places where the scene seemed to go off track. You want to know these things after all to help perfect your own skills, and your concern will be noted. "How was it? Did you like that? Are you sore? Did the ropes make your hands tingly? What was the best part? What was the worst part? Did I scare you?, Was it a good scare or a bad one? Have you had enough? Or would you like to ask for more?" Your partner may want to talk too, about the scene, about them about you... There's no way to know in advance. Let them babble if that's what they want to do. Be supportive and listen.

Having said all this let me reiterate that it aftercare is never standard and the preceding description, while a sound approach in dealing with new people, may bear no resemblance to the aftercare you need. Aftercare is a subtle and fluid art and what works fine in one instance may be inappropriate, even damaging, in another. Some need a lot of touch and talk to guide them back to their daytime selves, but others want no more than a boot in the ass and a "Good Boy!" Bottoms may wish to be dismissed without a word, given chores, or curl into a solitary ball. In D/S relationships the concept of transitioning out of scene space may not have real meaning since D/S energy may permeates all aspects of your shared lives. Even between two regular play partners, aftercare can never be reduced to a rote exercise. The bottom line is that no matter how you do it, thought and action must be applied to connecting the scene just ended to your life in a way that it is processed and remembered as a validating and good thing.

Issues and complexities

There are other intriguing complications to consider. A bottom "on loan" from another dominant/top, may want aftercare from their partner and not from you. Be understanding if this is the case. And bottoms: even if you belong to someone else, a thank you, a kiss on the cheek and a hug is almost always good form.

Use symbolic actions to signal the end of the work phase of the scene and the beginning of aftercare (the removal of a collar, the removal of a ribbon, change in the lightening)

Overfriendly Aftercare

Aftercare as an non negotiated grope session is not respectful unless its welcomed by your partner. I know some shrewd tops who follow tepid textbook floggings with aftercare of hands-all-over gooses, gropes, and tonsil hockey that seem less the conclusion of a flogging than an independent scene on its own, snuck in on the sly. If your partner wants it - great - but feel-up sessions may or may not be welcome by someone you don't know well. On the spot solicitations for future play commitments while your partner is still floating may nudge into this category.

Dealing with Broken Scenes

In a scene where something goes unexpectedly wrong, accidental injury, a crying jag, a safe word, or unexpected and unwelcome interruption. Do not blame or rationalize just deal with whatever the problems might be. Humor might help. "Hey we broke the cross, I wrapped you twice and put out my shoulder. But there were parts of that scene I loved." If both partners want the scene to continue try, and proceed with extra caution. If continuation is impossible be strong and try to make sure your partner is okay. And be as supportive as you can be.

Delayed Reaction Crash

Sometimes a scene will seem to have gone fine, the aftercare uneventful, and then while your making popcorn your partner will suddenly break down. Crying jags, fits of unaccountable rage or rapid descent into depression can come like a bolt from the blue. Do not panic: this just happens in the world of SM. Put down what your doing and start aftercare again. SM, digs deep into our subconscious, especially when its gone really well, or really badly. A powerful scene can jar things loose that have been lurking out of site for years. Again, there is no standard approach on how to handle situations like these other than to try to keep your head, and be there for your partner.

Morning After Aftercare

Next day, next week, sometime after you've played it's good form to follow up to express friendship, and gratitude. A Phone call, email, personal note or visit is always a good idea, to express friendship gratitude, concern on how you're mending. It will reassure the bottom and make you look responsible and mature. If it turns out that there are questions or concerns you will have an opportunity to address them. If your partner does have issues or concerns, be polite, attentive, and if you feel you were wrong say so. It isn't easy to get a bad review but be encouraging and talk through it if you can. Better your partner complain to you than the world at large.

Self Aftercare (If you don't get it from your partner)

At some point you will undoubtedly encounter the sour experience of piss poor aftercare, which fails to provide what you want or need. And you will be on your own. That's okay, it happens, you'll survive. There are still things you can do; put your clothes on. Get fixed up. Get some water or juice drink. Eat something. If it's a party situation, tell someone you like or trust "Could you help me out with a little aftercare. I'm a little short right now." If your alone, call or visit a friend. Lay it on the line and say you feel bad. And if you think it will do any good, give your scene partner a call. Exercise is my general-purpose antidepressant, and I recommend it to all. And do all the pampering your supposed to do when your feeling poorly or just fragile and tired: sleep, eat something healthy, talk to a friend, have a good cry, and go to bed early. In the morning it won't seem so bad.

Top drop and its treatment (aftercare for tops)

Although aftercare is typically viewed as something the top does for the bottom, tops are people too, and often yearn for affection, gratitude and nurturing. Sometimes when the heat of the scene has past, a top can find him or herself, exhausted, exposed and feeling guilty about doing bad, nasty things to someone they care about. This is the phenomenon some call top-drop. So bottoms: Remember to express gratitude and respect to the top who has spent the last hour or so being bad to you. Flattery is good ("Your so dominant... You really turned me on... I didn't know you were that good with a whip... I'd love to do this again sometime..."). No need to lie, but if you can find something nice to say, its nice to. My friend, Mistress Elizabeth, suggests that as the cuffs come off and the mutual nurturing of aftercare has commenced, bottoms everywhere (and especially her slaveboy Jim!) raise their eyes to their top and ask, "Is there something I can do for you?" Holding/Cuddling is nice if the interpersonal chemistry is right. If it's your style, kneeling in front of your top, and offering yourself to be hugged, can be very moving, as can boot worship, kissing your top's hand etc. Foot massage might be much appreciated for a Domme who has been busily abusing you in heels (or anyone in hard leather boots). A massage for a hardworking top might also be nice. Your top may well want more than anything else to take care of YOU, so if your cool with that, allow yourself to be nurtured. If you don't want a lot of touching and hugging, convey it as nicely as you can. And if you are a bottom "on loan" from another dominant/top who plans to provide your aftercare, don't forget to express gratitude to your partner in play. A thank you, a kiss on the cheek and a hug is almost always good form.

For tops reading this: Please familiarize yourself with self aftercare, just to be on the safe side. Depending on your self-image, and style, you may not want to receive aftercare from your submissive partner. Or you may be with a bottom who does not wish to see you as needing nurturing or care. If this is the case, you may prefer to receive your aftercare as high fives and backslaps from your fellow tops. This is why its always nice to extend a compliment to players after a scene. They might be aftercare deprived.

Aftercare for the viewing audience

Not that I recommend playing to the crowd, but your viewing audience usually appreciates a little reassurance that all is well, particularly if a scene was loud, heavy or appeared non-consensual. Here's an idea: let yourself be seen as happy with the scene (especially if you are). A crowd may be spooked if a scene appears to have damaged the well being of one or the other partners. At Delta 96, after what may have been the heaviest scene I've ever witnessed, a crucifixion scene that more or less halted all other activity in the dungeon, the bottom made a specific point of visiting the beer wagon afterwards where everyone had escaped to collect their wits. He just showed up, poured himself a brew, and let everyone see him, walk up and talk with him, shake his hand, affirm that he really was still alive and well. It was a nice intimate touch at the end of a truly frightening scene that had turned a lot of heads.

Recommendations:

Learn what you like and what you need in terms of aftercare, pay similar attention to the needs of your partners.
Include discussion of aftercare in your pre scene negotiation: what you need, what you like, how much.
Leave time after a scene to be with the person you've played with. Fifteen to twenty minutes is a decent estimate but it may need more, may need less. If you have a one hour play window, bringing the play to a close at forty five minutes leaving fifteen for aftercare is probably appropriate.
Prepare to move from the more polarized roles of play (top/bottom, master/slave, etc.) into more equal roles of mutual friendship, nurturing, and respect.
Touch, hold, cuddle, talk, bathe together, shower, sleep
Express satisfaction, (or at least gratitude) after a scene.
Offer water to drink or fruit juice for a little post scene pick up.
Deal carefully with a broken scene, try to take care of whatever fences that need mending.
Bottoms remember to do your part in providing aftercare for your top.
Next Day/Week Follow up (to anticipate and deal with the morning after effect) A Phone call, email, personal note or visit is always a good idea, to express friendship gratitude, concern on how you're mending. It will reassure the bottom and make you look responsible and mature.
Ask your partner to write about the scene, as a basis of later discussion or an activity in its own right.
Make affirmative truth your goal. Don't lie, but express genuine gratitude for what you've shared.
Try to establish how your partner is feeling.
Prepare and maintain an aftercare toy bag containing blanket, jimmies, water, stuffed animal (or rabbit fur or soft flogger), fruit juice or V-8, stories to read out loud, snacks (especially favorites!)
And lastly: Always be ready to change approaches if your aftercare doesn't feel like its working.

Clearly this short overview hasn't taught you "how to do it." That you must explore on your own. But hopefully I've shined a flashlight onto some of the many issues at work in aftercare, why its important, and what the costs are for doing it wrong. Lastly, I wish for you to explore it and revel in its languid joys. Aftercare, both receiving and giving really is one of the lovelier parts of the SM art form.

White Light, Black Leather An SM Spirituality Primer