Mistakes, Everybody Makes Them

Top Ten Mistakes of New Dominants

By Norische

Every new Dominant is sure to make a wide variety of mistakes, sometimes the mistakes are merely inconvenient, sometimes they are dangerous, and sometimes they are simply stupid mistakes we all make when we are new. Honestly, there is no way to avoid making mistakes, even if someone does tons of research or even has hands on training, until you have real time experience mistakes will happen, even then there is no guarantee. Mistakes are made by assumption, ignorance, and lack of experience.

As time goes on one learns ones abilities, and limits... one also learns the fine art of Domination. It isn't something that is learned over night or that just suddenly happens, Domination is an art form that must be learned in stages.

There are some rather common mistakes that many have made, and if you are aware of these mistakes or misassumptions then you may be able to avoid them, and make your journey along the path to being a Dominant a smoother less hazardous route.

"I am Dominant hear me roar."
This is the attitude that many new Dominants take when they enter into the lifestyle. This individual is basically a walking ego, they assume that simply because they claim to be Dominant that they are the biggest and baddest in the herd, what they don't realize is that they are just another pup waiting for big dogs to acknowledge them and throw them a scrap.
"Me Dom, you slave."
This is where a lot of new Dominants find themselves slipping for the first time. Just because they are Dominant does not mean that every slave or submissive out there must bow and kiss his or her boots. Respect is something that is earned, it cannot be commanded or ordered.
Men are Masters; females are slaves.
There are some schools of training within the BDSM lifestyle that do indeed believe that the all males are Dominants and all females are slaves/submissives. However, I must point out that this is only one or perhaps two schools within the vast variety of those that are present within the BDSM realm. Do not assume anything, or label someone as being Dominant or submissive until you have verification from the individual, better yet don't label anyone at all.
"It's ok I have Dommed on line for years."
This is a very big mistake that new Dominants make. Just because you have played Dom on line does not mean you know what to do in real time. I may have read a lot of medical books but that doesn't make me a surgeon. There is a lot of difference between saying "I tie you to a chair" and actually knowing how to secure a square knot. No amount of on line experience will ever match good old fashioned hands on experience.
Bigger toys make better Doms
Again another fallacy, the toys do not make the Dominant. I have to admit there are a lot of things out there that I would love to have, and yes I do have one or two things that are quite expensive if I had to replace them... but when it comes down to it, what good is a $300.00 Australian whip, if I don't know how to use one.
"Wimp! You can take more than that!"
One thing that frustrates me quite a bit is a new Dominant that lifts a flogger but has no idea what it feels like. I tell everyone, never use something on someone else unless you have had it used on you first. I told this to a new Dominant one time and he made the comment that "No real Dom would ever let anyone hit him." Personally I think it is only logical to know how something feels, and how to handle it before you attempt to use it on someone else. One needs to know if a flogger is thuddy, or stingy, whether it hits hard, or soft, whether it wraps or if it has a controlled fall... these are just a few of the things that one needs to know before one attempts to use it on another. Like my father used to say "A true craftsman knows his tools as well as he knows himself."
"It's my way or the highway..."
Some Dominants feel as if they are flexible that they are weak. Flexibility is not a sign of indecision or weakness; it is a sign of being open minded and intelligent. One can always be open to new possibilities and still be firm in your beliefs. All you have to do is remember to listen to all possibilities, consider all options and then make your decisions wisely.
"It's all about the sex."
This is one fallacy that it doesn't take long to shatter. Let me just say this, if it is all about sex then you do not have a slave or a submissive you have a lover. Yes sex can add a great deal of interest to a relationship, but there are many wonderfully successful BDSM relationships in which sex is not a major part, there are even some relationships in which sex is not an issue at all.
"HI Joe! How's your slave?"
Ok... let me say this... it is never cool to out someone. This again is a common mistake that new individuals make, they assume if they know someone then it is ok to say "Hi". Unfortunately, within this lifestyle, unless you are at a BDSM function, it is never appropriate to mention in public things that are better left in private. Some individuals have a morality clause with their occupation, and if you just happen to walk up to someone at the bank where he or she works and start talking about how you loved the fire scene they did the other night, you may very well get that person in trouble... perhaps even endanger their job. So keep private issues private, and do the polite thing... wait to speak until the other person initiates the discussion. Then follow that person's lead, if they keep the discussion cordial but not personal then do the same thing. Even if you have known the person for years the people they work with or the in laws they are eating out with may not need to know their private life.
"Judgmental, I am not judgmental, I just think you're a freak."
There are a huge variety of lifestyle choices out there, each one is unique and each one fits the individuals involved in it. As long as all individuals involved in a situation, scene or relationship are consensual... then who are you or anyone else for that manner to judge them. Some people like the human pets, some people enjoy age play, some are attracted to transgender individuals, some like whips, some like canes, some like knives. To each his or her own, accept each other for what they have to offer, never judge another on your standards or expect someone to live as you think they should. There is enough bigotry and judgmental individuals in the outside world, do not bring it into our world as well.

Everyone needs time to learn, time to experience and time to grow, look to others within your local BDSM community and don't be afraid to ask questions. The only stupid question is one that was never asked.

As with everything this is my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is Norisch1@mchsi.com. If you wish to see more of my work you may find a complete listing of all my writings at... http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Norisches_Quill/?yguid=99788111 in the files section.