Protocol

Copyright © Eric Inman, September 2001

Originally published at The Manor

Protocol: By definition is "The strict adherence to proper etiquette."

What's the difference between Leather and S/M?
By definition leather is intended not to harm. To always stay in the limits of the submissive or gently push them, while S/M is played to the limit/desires of the Top. What we will be discussing here is the Leather lifestyle.

EGO!!! Get rid of it
Perhaps the biggest thing that can hurt a Dominant (and a submissive) is the ego. If you have the mistaken impression that you know it all you are dead wrong. There is too much in this lifestyle to learn to know it all. The best Dominants, the ones that are held in the highest regard, speak without ego, and are very, very approachable. This openness that you have when you lack in ego makes you more ready to learn from all areas, and makes the flow of knowledge open up. This opening of the flow of knowledge will only benefit you as a lifestyler.

What you see here stays here
We all have lives outside of this lifestyle; some don’t want it to get out in general knowledge that they are into this kinky lifestyle. So you should never use names when talking about a scene. You can say, "I saw a scene where a person was suspended and flogged, it was beautiful!" You can’t say, " I was at Harry’s house, and he and Tonya were scening, she was being suspended and Harry flogged her."

• There are some gray areas, such as speaking of someone and their expertise with a particular skill. I would suggest that you recommend that the person either watch a scene or take the proper precautions to do a safe scene with them if they wish to play. This is best done with public dungeons and such. It is never wise to over qualify a person, and never, speak badly of them. Speaking poorly of a person will only look bad on you.

Protocol vs. Dominant style
Protocol is a very odd thing; in essence it merely means "good manners!" But this is a world where it is ok to do seemingly horrible things to a person, and there are some awkward parts to the lifestyle where you would normally not know what to do, or what is proper. Protocol is merely a set of rules that help you navigate the proper ways of doing things in the lifestyle so that the least amount of feelings get hurt and as a Dominant you have a guideline as how to act. Your style may vary from what other Dominants may do. I allow my submissive to look into my eyes, but in "Old Guard" protocol it is stated that a submissive should never look the Dom in the eyes. It is acceptable to change some forms of protocol that affect only the interactions between you and the submissive, but not between you, and your submissive and the out side world. You can allow your submissive to speak to other Dominants without your permission, but as the submissive don’t get bent out of shape if a Dominant asks your Dom permission to speak to you.

• The best reference to help you with this is a military etiquette book or a book on good manners book. Keeping the idea of military etiquette when reading the military etiquette manual treat Dominants as Officers, and submissive as enlisted.

Where did it all start?
Referring back to the previous statement that the military manual is a great reference. The beginnings started after World War 2. There was a surge of men who wanted to maintain the military style formalities and protocol. Quite often they wore leather (biker leather) and utilized the etiquette of the military for formalities and proper rankings and honorific titles. There are actually ranks and status with both Dominants and submissive. this could be a entire website all to its self, s we will leave this as it stands. If you are old Guard (meaning being in the lifestyle longer that 20 years) and you would like to send me your rendition of the beings of the lifestyle and what it means to you, PLEASE DO. I am a very large fan of the lifestyle. Not only will I post what you have to say, I assure you that I will more than likely send you e-mails asking you questions if you would allow it.. please e-mail me if you are of old guard and wish to share your knowledge. Title holders and ex-Title holders please send me your opinions and what the lifestyle means to you.

Other people’s property: NEVER touch/talk to with out permission. (Never use a toy without permission)

TOYS
If you are looking at a person's toys, resort back to what your parents used to say, "Look with your eyes, not your hands" if you desire to touch a toy… ASK!!! Be sure that it is ok to pick up a toy, some Dominants toys can quickly cross into the hundreds of dollars range and having a bunch of people pawing over them and picking them up is considered VERY rude.

• If you do pick up a person's toys, after receiving their permission, ask before you swing with it or use it on a person, especially if the toy is a present. When a person mentions that they just got the toy, or that they just received it as a gift, ask if it is ok to use it on someone. Traditionally when a person receives a new toy they want to be the first to use it, if they don’t, you should at the very least give them the common courtesy to ask.

Submissive
When a submissive is in strict protocol or service to a Dominant that means, traditionally, that they may not speak to another without permission from the Dominant. As a Dominant you should always ask if you might speak to a submissive that is with another Dominant before speaking with them. These rules would especially apply if a submissive were on leash.

Flagging

• Left vs. right??
• History of left versus right!

There is a widespread convention among S&Mers that certain clothing accessories worn on the left indicate top, dominant or master/mistress, and worn on the right, bottom, submissive or slave. The origin of this convention is uncertain: a picturesque (but by no means proven) origin story goes back to the San Francisco Gold Rush of 1849, where women were so scarce that men had to take a woman's role at social dances, and used bandanas in left or right back pockets to indicate whether they were leading or following that night.

Body Positioning
Here is where I am not so much an expert but more so aware of what I have learned from my previous experience. As I have mentioned the Dominant is in fact the first person to present to the public as an officer would in the military or a parent should. It is my understanding that the reason that the Dominant precedes the submissive is for protective reasons as well as honorific.

• Protection: As the submissive is in service to the Dominant the Dominant is in service to the submissive. It is the Dominant's responsibility to ensure the welfare and wellbeing of the submissive. With that in mind it is believed that the submissive follows behind to be in the protection of the Dominant.

  Also for myself I dictate that at no time should the submissive be unable to put two fingers in my back pocket. The reason for this is specifically for crowds or walking on the street. I would never want my submissive to get separated from me and if there were a person to bother them I would become aware of it immediately!

• Honor: The leading of the Dominant is a sign both symbolic and literal of the Dominant's leadership of the relationship. The leading of the Dominant is also recommended when in strict protocol so that when meeting another Master/slave relationship you can introduce yourselves properly.

Honorific titles (They should be given, not taken.)

Addressing a Dominant/Submissive. (Scene names)
Let's remember that not all people are out, and when it comes to speaking with someone who wishes to keep their real name withheld please respect their wishes. When using such a name, please also remember to not go and give yourself a title that you didn't earn!

Meeting in Public
You are in a business or vanilla environment, you see someone you had seen at a public dungeon or play party. What to do? Don't panic. If you have not already met this person in the vanilla world and aren't sure if they are out, you may wish to use phrases like these if you want to talk to them, "Pardon me you look like someone I know, have we met?" or "Do I know you." If they say "NO" then excuse yourself. If they say, "Yes" let them set the ground rules. If you are not "OUT" and you meet someone whom you have seen at a Dungeon or a play party, say, "I don't believe that we have met." this will tell them that you aren't out and don't want to be recognized.

The types of people

• (Slave, submissive, bottom, brat)
• (Master, Dominant, top, Brat Dom)
• (Switch, Dominant switch, submissive switch)

Let's keep this all in perspective, let's not go overboard with what we have heard or learned but rather study it and think about what you want to incorporate into your relationship and what must be there (i.e.: speaking to other's submissive, or touching their toys)

Copyright © Eric Inman, September 2001, All Rights Reserved