A Newbie's Guide to Party Etiquette

By Miss Cleo

When a person has been actively involved in the BDSM community for any length of time, there are some simple rules of etiquette that become, more or less, a "given". Sometimes we tend to forget that not all newbies have been taught these, and for those attending their first party, our idea of "common sense" may not be all that commonly known. Therefore, the following suggestions may smooth the sometimes-rough road that is becoming involved in public play parties.

1. Never touch without permission.
   Yes, that's right, permission. Even if you call yourself "Master Lord Grand High Poohbah" or "Mistress Goddess Above All Others", you need to ask permission to touch peoples "stuff" - be it toys, submissives, anything or anyone. Just because a flogger is lying across a spanking bench, that does not make it public property. Ask before you touch. Chances are, most people will be happy to explain or even demonstrate something to/for you.
2. Not All Submissives (or Dom/mes) are Yours (aka Never Assume)!
   Something I cannot stress enough. Do not assume that a person is there (or even wishes) to serve you - or, conversely, top you. Just because someone isn't wearing a collar, doesn't mean they are available. Don't automatically treat them like chattel (first, find out if they dig being treated like chattel, then herd away!). Also, don't assume that because a person is a submissive, that they want to fetch and carry for *you*.

   Never, Ever grab a stranger and strike them, fondle them, or anything of that nature. It is Not your right to touch or spank anyone you please. Assault is assault, in or out of the scene. The sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be. Also, do not attach yourself to a Dom/me or sub and pester them all night. If you introduce yourself and they are interested, they will let you know. By all means make conversation with people, get to know people, and perhaps you Will find an available Dom/me or submissive. Just don't assume.

3. Do not interrupt a scene!
   Be considerate. If you are watching a scene, stay outside their "space". If you get within striking distance, you may just get struck! And, being just outside striking distance is just as bad, you are leaving the Top no room to move around and do their "thing". There is nothing worse then doing a flogger scene and having 2 gawkers 2 feet to your left and right, leaving you the wonderful options of either not being able to move or having to completely break the mood and your concentration by stopping to ask the person to move and then getting into an argument, etc etc. You don't need to be THAT close! Bring binoculars if you need to be that close!

   Speak in lower tones, it's very easy to make this mistake. Experienced players accidentally do it all the time and they know better. For example, Master J has a very distinct booming voice and he often finds himself on the edge of being rude just having normal conversation around a scene. So always be mindful and if a friend is doing it, quietly remind them to keep their voice down. 999 times out of 1000 the person doesn't mean to be rude, they just don't realize they are speaking loudly. Oh, and even though this would seem obvious, don't wander up and offer suggestions. The top probably isn't going to care for a stranger walking up and blurting out things like: "Hey, hit 'em harder! Stick your whole fist in!".

   If you see something that truly disturbs you and you think the bottom may be in danger, go get the dungeon monitor or party host. They will intercede if need be...or, you may just not be used to seeing heavy play.

4. The most basic of all basics…Hygiene!
   You'd be amazed at how many people show up to parties looking (and occasionally smelling) like they haven't been aquainted with a bar of soap for a week. This is the one "rule of thumb" that is indeed common sense for anyone, anywhere, anytime.
5. Be Polite and gulp… even friendly.
   Once again, very basic, and once again, even if you fancy yourself the Dom-liest Dom/me around, good manners and being pleasant make it much more likely that you'll be invited back. Remember new Tops, "The first sign of inexperience is a Top who acts like a rude bully because they think that it somehow makes them appear Domlike… it doesn't… it just makes them seem rude and clueless". And be friendly for goodness sake! Being a Top doesn't mean you have to be a stoic mute! Of course there is an overall vibe you are trying to put forth BUT that doesn't mean you can't be friendly. Newbies often wonder why no one will play with them... maybe it's because they are sitting in a corner scowling trying desperately to look cool, or that they are acting so submissive they actually appear to be asleep or have "passed away".

In closing, let me stress that by all means, this is not a "complete guide to never screwing up at a party" but it's a nice start that will hopefully help a few of you. Everyone commits gaffes and in 5 years you will look back and say "Oy!" about *something*, I'm sure. The above guidelines are suggested simply to make your entry into play parties more pleasant for yourself and the people you are about to meet. Enjoy!

Miss Cleo can be reached at MissCleo@leatherfamilyonline.com