The Right Way ™

Soul Thief

The Right way of doing things is a concept that seems to get used an awful lot in the scene. It is all too often used by people to justify their way of thinking and belittle anyone else's that they disagree with. Something along the lines of: "The right way for a submissive to act is [add gross misunderstanding here]."

The truth is, there isn't one right way. The classic definition of BDSM is "Bondage/Disciple, Domination/Submission, Sadism/Masochism". The inclusion of all of those different parts doesn't mean you have to enjoy every one of them to be "valid", just as it doesn't mean enjoying one branch devalues your enjoyment of another.

There are established cultures within the scene. Cultures based on traditional European or Japanese culture; upon the Gorean novels; the Story Of O; the US originated Leather community; even individual internet chat rooms. These cultures often do have their own established rules, regulations and so on. Within a particular culture there may, very well, be a right and a wrong way of doing things. Equally though, one culture is not the only Right way. If you do not associate yourself with a given culture, no one has the right to tell you that you are acting incorrectly, by that culture's rules.

About the only universally agreed rules regarding the scene are as follows: Things should remain Safe, Sane and Consensual (see other parts of this site) and that no one has the right to criticize someone else's choices, so long as they are not hurting anyone else. In other words, so long as you remain safe, sane and consensual, no one has the right to criticize you for what you do do.

It is that second rule that this page is really trying to emphasize. Whatever your choices are, be you gay or straight; in to bondage or flogging; infantilism or puppy-play; humiliation or worship; those are your choices. You are entirely entitled to enjoy them and enjoy them in the style that works for you.

One final point. No one has the right to tell you that you are wrong. In the same way, you do not have the right to tell someone who is indulging in safe, sane and consensual acts that they are wrong either. What they're doing may disgust you - look away. They may be able to do it better - politely offer advice but then wait for the advice to be taken. They are not wrong. To go around telling people that they are wrong, that they are not doing it the right way (tm) just shows your complete lack of understanding of everything shown above. If you want to make yourself look an inexperienced wannabe, this is probably the best way to go about it.

Enjoy the scene, take on whichever aspects suit you, leave whichever aspects don't. No one has the right to criticize you for that.