Sadomasochism offers new twist to sex life; communication, safety necessary
Published on Tuesday, March 2, 2004
By Kerry Fischer
Kansas State Collegian
Photo illustration by
Zach Long | Collegian
Generally, pleasure and pain do not mix, but in the case of sadomasochism, they do.
Sadomasochism, as defined by
www.dictionary.com,
is sexual pleasure obtained both by inflicting or receiving pain.
There are students who say they believe sadomasochism is a good idea.
"It brings a different kind of pleasure into the relationship," said John Caton, sophomore in pre-medicine and psychology.
Some students said they are cautious when it comes to S&M, but they do not see anything wrong with it.
"As long as everyone comes out with all their pieces intact, it's fine by me," Oliver Good, junior in English, said.
Other students feel it can add depth and variety to a relationship.
"I think that a little bit of pain in a relationship is not bad," said Jennifer Wiencek, senior in pre-veterinary medicine. "It could heighten your senses
more and bring variety into any relationship."
However, there are those people who feel sadomasochism should not be an integral part of any relationship.
"Violence doesn't really belong in relationships," said Karen Myers-Bowman, assistant professor in the Department of Family Studies and Human Services.
She said practicing sadomasochistic sex can sometimes indicate an unhealthy relationship.
There are two types of people who practice sadomasochism- the pathological people and those who want to keep pushing the envelope of extremity, said Tony Jurich, a sex therapist
and professor in family studies and human services.
"You have to work at your sex life," he said.
He said that after a while, the novelty of the relationship wears off, and people start looking for something else to spice up the marriage or relationship. Sadomasochism
offers a way to enhance the relationship because it's different.
When it comes to sex, many people have a favorite position, Jurich said. If a person is on the bottom, it's a way of giving up control. Similarly, if the person is on
top, he or she has control of the other person.
He also said a lot of women like to be on top, because it gives them the chance to be in control of their male partners.
The normal sexual feelings people take to the next level become bondage, Jurich said. Bondage, just like dominance and submission or sadomasochism, is simply roleplay, he said.
"Roleplay gives people freedom," Jurich said.
There are different types of bondage, as well.
Symbolic bondage is the light side of bondage, Jurich said. A person is tied up, but he or she can easily move around and get out of the restraints at any time. Also,
the levels of control or no control are relatively even.
The next step is real bondage, Jurich said. Real bondage uses leather restraints, and one person is usually much more dominant than the other. Real bondage also can
be considered dominance and submission.
Jurich said it is extremely important to have a safe word that ends the roleplay. The safe word should be something that is out of context with the roleplay occurring.
It is important to have clear communication.
"People who do S&M and do it right have very clear communication," Manhattan psychologist Marcia McCoy said. "What makes it OK is trust, respect
and consent."
Sadomasochism is the next step from bondage.
The sadist in the role play is the person who inflicts the pain, and the masochist is the one who receives the pain.
"The sadist takes the dominant role and pushes it one step farther," Jurich said.
Jurich said the mindset of sadists is they want the submissive person to be so enamored of him or her and with his or her own sexuality that the submissive person
is willing to experience pain.
Conversely, the mindset of masochists is that they are so enamored of their partner and their own sexuality that they are willing to submit to pain.
However, Jurich said sadomasochism can get out of control.
The problems start when the sadist or the masochist lose control and cause major injuries.
"A loss of control can cause you to wind up with dead people," Jurich said.
It's easy for people to get caught up in the moment and lose control, Jurich said.
He said that if someone is leaving a lasting impression on the other person in a bad way, things have gone too far.
He also said that if people start to forget that they are just playing a role, things can go wrong.
If dominance and submission has become one's sexuality rather than a part of one's sexuality, there could be problems, Jurich said. That is the time to start
seeing a therapist, he said.
He also said couples who have never tried sadomasochism should not jump into it right away, because it will be too intense and extreme.
"Sit down with a therapist and talk about why you want to try it," he said.
He said he suggests starting with role play first- fantasy bondage- then moving into real bondage and finally into sadomasochism.
"With S&M, the focus isn't on sex and pleasure," Jurich said, "it's on the pain."
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