What is D/s?

If your idea of a good time in bed is freshly washed pajamas and a cup of hot chocolate to accompany the latest Mills & Boon, you're probably wondering why so many people seem to be interested in 'unnatural' sexual practices. And, believe me, there are a lot of us, from couples who flirt with the odd mild spanking to people with fully equipped dungeons in their spare bedrooms. Surveys suggest that nearly 50% of the populace have had a BDSM fantasy of some kind, and that around 12% have engaged in some kind of sub/Dom/masochist/sadist/bondage play. One particular kink in the firmament of perversion is called D/s (at least by Americans) – Dominant/submissive sex. It may involve elements of sado-masochism, it may attract rubber fetishists or enema lovers, or those who delight in corporal punishment. In fact people with whole bundle of kinks is not unusual.

But in its purest form D/s is all about one person controlling another, and that can happen without whips or chains or any kind of overt threat of pain. It's all in the mind. D/s functions due to a heady mix of attitude and confidence on the part of the Dominant, and a two-way exchange of respect and trust. Or at least it should. A real D/s relationship will not work without them... otherwise it's merely a kinky sex game to enliven a dull existence, a masturbation fantasy limited to a narrow part of your sex life, rather than something which illuminates your whole outlook on life.

There are lots of clichés about how and why people want to relate to each other like this... various books will tell you that all submissives have been abused as children... or that we are trying to escape from extraordinary pressures in our everyday lives (classically the high powered businessman who wants to be humiliated in private and create a fantasy of never having to make a decision again). Others will tell you that all Doms are making up for real or imagined inadequacies in normal life. In fact most text book explanations have some sort of element of blame in them: "they wouldn't be like that if it wasn't for such and such." The important thing to remember is that while there are discernable patterns, we're all unique and individual in our drives, our needs and our desires.

D/s relationships have an intensity, and a level of involvement, that shock and even frighten many people. For the submissive, there is nowhere to hide; her thoughts, her dreams and her fears do not belong to her anymore... she cannot lock them away and let them fester any longer. She has neither emotional nor physical privacy. In opening herself up completely she both accesses a deep source of pleasure and leaves herself vulnerable to more negative emotions. Submissives often find they feel everything more deeply. For the Dominant there is nothing to stop him getting exactly what he wants from his partner... except a lack of imagination