SCENEprofiles Interview with yielding

Columnist & Slave to Master Stern

SENSUOUS SADIE: You live in a 24/7 committed relationship with Master Stern, although you are not always geographically together. How do you keep your relationship alive and committed from a distance of 200 miles? How long have you been together?

YIELDING: "We've been together almost four years now, and it will probably be another four before we actually get legally married. We had a public collaring ceremony a couple of years ago, and will have a BDSM ceremony as soon as we are able to coordinate and plan it. We see one another on weekends and holidays, speak on the phone for about an hour every night when we aren't physically together, and I keep a daily journal, which I upload to the website when we're apart.

"Although remaining committed to the relationship and the issues within it is always a lot of work, it hasn't been difficult work. BDSM and the power exchange takes much of the guesswork out of the relationship. We have clearly defined roles and responsibilities, and when one of us fails to live up to them, it is always discussed and cleared up before we move on. We have a basic policy of total honesty and communication, and both of these are exercised frequently because we consider them to be fundamental to the lifestyle we've chosen. Neither of us is willing to risk losing the BDSM portion of the relationship by ignoring the very things that make it work.

"We've been asked, on occasion, to explain how it is possible to live a '24/7' lifestyle without living together. Aside from being able to say our levels of communication exceed the levels of many people who live together full time, we have always believed that '24/7' is merely a convenient term used to describe an array of lifestyle configurations. Saying we live a '24/7 BDSM lifestyle' is like saying, 'We are heterosexual.' It doesn't describe the relationship or its dynamics. Distance has never changed the fact that I am a slave, or that my Master is a Master.

Sadie: Please tell me about your BDSM practice. Any special interests? How long have you been involved in the scene?

Yielding: "That depends on what you mean by 'the scene.' I discovered public BDSM about five years ago. As have many others, I found a beginning online. I tried cyber one time, attaching myself to an online Mistress, but I found the whole thing kind of silly. I could never get the hang of role-playing. When the Mistress told me she was putting me over her knee and then typed 'Smack!' I was never quite sure how to respond.

"I met a Dominant online who was part of the Boston scene a few years ago. After a series of public meetings, she invited me to a club, and I eventually found the nerve to go along with her. From the second I walked through the door, I felt I had found my home. Although public play is not a major part of our lives right anymore, I will always be grateful for introduction I had to a safe, comfortable & controlled way to engage in practices I had only fantasized about.

"Our BDSM practice has become a lifestyle. Except in club or private party situations, we don't organize scenes; they just happen naturally. Master Stern determines when these things will happen, and unless there are mitigating circumstances, I simply acquiesce to His demands. Of course I can always ask Him for special BDSM scene time, but I rarely do. For the most part, we find it more appropriate for Master Stern to initiate BDSM or sexual activity.

"Speaking to special interests, Master Stern and I have recently become very interested in the use of hypnosis and suggestibility as a tool for training. We are just beginning in this area. Master Stern has done some experimenting with me, and I'm quite excited about the possibilities."

Sadie: How did you discover BDSM? Was it always in you, or something that developed?

Yielding: "I grew up in the Midwest, and in all honesty, I had no idea BDSM existed. All I knew was that I had what I considered to be perverse fantasies. Most of them revolved around being spanked publicly. When I was very young (pre-teen), I didn't recognize them as sexual fantasies, but I do remember that the 'spanking' wasn't the focus; it was the lecture beforehand and the humiliation of being exposed, vulnerable and controlled. I actually sought therapy at one point because I was certain that these fantasies were indicative of a character flaw I needed to erase. Fortunately, I had a therapist who didn't find the fantasies at all disturbing, didn't think it particularly unusual to want to be tied up or overcome, spanked, etc.

"It was years before I had a relationship with BDSM overtones. I met a man who owned some toys, and my first experiences were with him. Neither of us knew what we were doing, but I did gain the courage to accept my own desires. The relationship failed, but it helped me direct my relationship search toward one in which BDSM would be practiced. There weren't many people on the internet at that time, and I still didn't have any real knowledge of a BDSM world. Even after finding that world, I couldn't have imagined evolving from part-time 'player' to collared submissive and then to 24/7 slave."

Sadie: How has your practice changed over the duration of your relationship?

Yielding: "The most dramatic change has been how we have chosen to actualize our relationship; our personal evolution from 'Top and bottom' to 'Dominant and submissive' to 'Master and slave.' Without a doubt, nothing has ever satisfied me more than being Master Stern's slave. Being his submissive was a lot of fun, but being his slave has allowed me to express my devotion, loyalty and admiration in a way that is both delightful and tangible. As his slave, I have experienced joy - and I mean true, radiant joy, not fleeting giddiness or even simple contentment. It's been a change in lifestyle that is not for everyone, but it works wonderfully for us.

"Another change is our move away from BDSM 'toys' and organized 'scenes.' We still own and use toys; Master Stern still ties me up and blindfolds me on occasion, but there is less emphasis on equipment and more on the psychological aspects of the power exchange."

Sadie: How would you describe your philosophical approach to BDSM?

Yielding: "I would describe it as I would describe my philosophical approach to anything in life. Find a balance between doing what you need to do for yourself and what you can realistically accomplish, and then pursue your goals without causing harm to others along the way."

Sadie: You write that you've learned that "I have a responsibility during punishment - not just to accept it and 'attempt to learn from it,' although those things are important, but to take myself out of the mindset that would allow me to find it pleasurable." What kinds of punishments does Master Stern use that take away the 'pleasure' aspect of things?

Yielding: "To address the first part of the question, it is my belief that for submissives, and perhaps for Dominants as well, punishment is often an element of fantasy, and fantasy is sexual. Depending on the nature of the relationship, punishment is either a component of sexuality or a tool by which the hierarchy is reinforced and maintained. In my case, I have a genuine desire to uphold the hierarchy.

"While I recognize that as a true need, I often have a hard time putting it into practice. I've always been a pretty obstinate and outspoken individual, but in the framework of my relationship with Master Stern, there is no room for high-mindedness on my part. The most intimate and fulfilling times we share are those in which I am fully in 'slave space' and able to serve Master Stern in all areas. I do rely on him to help me find that space, and to remind me of his expectations.

"If I look at punishment as a way to get 'turned on,' the punishment loses its impact. If I change my behavior simply to avoid a repeat punishment, it may accomplish a goal, but it doesn't speak to why corrective techniques are necessary. Submitting to punishment allows me to recognize and accept responsibility when my behavior doesn't comply with the tenets of our relationship. It also gives me the opportunity to examine why I chose to behave in a way that would cause my Master to be disappointed in me.

"I can't say that there is any punishment Master Stern uses that is likely to give me pleasure. Over the course of time, he's found methods that work with me, and he enforces the rules by whatever means is most effective. Isolation is something I find extremely unattractive. When necessary, Master Stern sends me to a darkened closet for a period of time until I am able to project an attitude of submission. It works for me because I despise spending time doing nothing, and there is relatively little to do in a closet.

"Another method Master Stern uses is spanking with a paddle he uses for no other purpose. I don't like paddles under the best of circumstances, and Master Stern's 'white paddle' has become synonymous with a punishment of some severity. We often hear and read that spanking and paddling is ineffective for many submissives, and to an extent, I believe that to be true. For me, however, pain is stimulating only when it starts slowly and builds, or when there is an element of sexuality involved. In the case of the white paddle, there is neither.

"The most recent addition to Master Stern's punishments is the use of ginger root, which is truly effective for me."

Sadie: You write: "if I simply change my frame of mind, recognize that punishment can help me become a better slave, and do not allow the pain of the paddle to work me into subspace, I come away from the punishment feeling chastised, not aroused." What is the frame of mind that you change into? What is the process that you go through to make this adjustment?

Yielding: "It is a shift from selfishness to service. I have to dispel my immediate wants and desires, and consider instead the quality and goals of the relationship. It used to be a process; now it just happens naturally. When I know I'm going to be punished for something, I am able to ask myself, 'What is the point of this exercise? What frame of mind should I be in to achieve its goals? Am I really committed to changing my behavior to please my Master, or am I simply playing a game?' I feel that if I don't have a genuine interest in changing my behavior, I am effectively saying to Master Stern, 'I don't take this seriously and I don't feel the need to live up to my commitment to you.' I risk losing his trust."

Sadie: You write in one of your columns about using fresh ginger root as an irritant. Can you describe a little bit about how it's used?

Yielding: "Master Stern discovered an article online about the use of the root as either a stimulant or a method of punishment. He uses fresh ginger root, cutting off and peeling a good sized 'finger' (which is what the pieces are called). As a ritual punishment, I am usually on the bed or floor with my forehead to the floor where I have to wait while he prepares the root. The root is partially inserted into my anus, and a burning sensation begins almost immediately. This sting is not at all stimulating to me. It's quite painful and humiliating.

"Moreover, the pain doesn't die down with time. Each time the rectal muscles are squeezed, even slightly (usually in an attempt to keep the root from sliding out) the burn intensifies. What Master Stern has found is that ginger root, a natural substance, is safe to use (unless, of course, a person has a medical or skin condition that would disallow it) and works for a very long period of time without causing any permanent damage. There is a slight burning sensation that can last a few hours after the root is removed. It's not agonizing at that point, but it can't be ignored, either.

"One of the most recent uses Master Stern found for the root was a lesson in speaking without cursing. In our philosophy, it's inappropriate for a slave to use bad language in everyday conversation. The punishment was harsh (and I admit I had been warned verbally on several occasions). I spent 40 minutes on my knees with my mouth stretched around a doorknob and a finger of ginger root in my anus. The results were remarkable. The phrase 'the mouth of a longshoreman' had, without a doubt, applied to me before this punishment. That was two months ago, and Master Stern has not had to remind me about my language since.

"I am, unfortunately, far more influenced by punishments that are harsh and long-lasting. If they are quick and easy, I am likely to forget them quickly and easily. Ginger root has become the most effective method of correcting my behavior because it has never become more tolerable. I'm a more obedient slave because of a decent produce department."

Sadie: What are some of the spiritual/BDSM experiences that moved you the most?

Yielding: "Every time I'm in subspace, and sometimes when I'm in slavespace, I believe I'm having what we traditionally call 'spiritual' experiences. None stand out for me as being the most moving. They are all moving. I think one thing we miss when we talk about the spiritual realm is that it is far more 'ordinary' than we think. Most of us have spiritual experiences every day, but we don't recognize them because we expect far more of the spiritual experience."

Sadie: You write that "in those few weeks, I had a better understanding of a Christianity in which I wanted to participate than I had ever received from years of memorizing the books of the bible. " What was the key thing in your experience that made your Christianity real for you? In what ways has your Christian background affected your practice of BDSM?

Yielding: "This may sound odd, but the key experience that made Christianity real for me was when several years ago, the pastor at my local church developed a sexual interest in me and sought to fulfill it, although he was married and had children. Without adding details, the previous statement probably makes the man sound like a creep without ethics, but that was not the case. He was an intelligent, insightful and spiritual individual, and his proposal helped me realize that a person could be both a spiritual leader and a human being. It was then that I began to rethink my ideas of faith and religion.

"I spoke at length with this pastor about the issue of sexuality between us, and he revealed to me that while a person may be 'called' to a position in the organized church, it isn't necessary to receive a call, and the people behind the robes aren't super-humans who have a direct pipeline to the divine. Of course I already knew that, but until the words were spoken aloud by a church leader, I hadn't thought about it. The 'path' to the divine didn't seem as distant as it had been previously, and for the first time, I felt that I was as 'worthy' as anyone else to undertake a spiritual journey. It allowed me to want to make that journey.

"Your second question is harder. By the time I became aware of a BDSM community, I had already gained an insight into my own spirituality that precluded any difficulty entering the scene. Perhaps I have been better able to 'let myself go' and be relaxed with whatever I find in BDSM because I am confident that BDSM can produce insights into spirituality, just as a treasured hobby can, or a piece of music that touches the heart, or a career that a person loves, etc. Those insights may have little to do with conventional 'Christianity,' but they have everything to do with a person's individual path to 'God,' in whatever form God takes."

Sadie: At one point you developed a belief in "magic." Could you expand on what you mean by this?

Yielding: "That is from a piece I wrote on spirituality. Initially, I was referring to an incident that occurred in Sunday School when I was a teenager. We had an odd Sunday School teacher, the pastor's wife (not the same pastor as I referred to above,) who struck us as either really weird, or completely cool. She told us that magic was not real, and to prove it to us, we held séances in Sunday School almost every week. I don't know what her motivations actually were, but we were kids, and it was more fun to play at calling up the dead than it was to study the Bible, so we were game.

"One time, with candles lit and everyone quiet, we tried to raise the 'spirit' of Gandhi, who was to speak through me. I do not know what happened that day, but I remember my head sagging and feeling disoriented, and feeling that something had 'taken over' my body. I was about to speak, although I felt words forming without my actually forming them, but was startled by another kid who piped up, 'Aw, she's faking it.' I think I was susceptible to a state of total relaxation, and allowed myself to enter a place I am now familiar with, a place I call the spiritual. I don't think Gandhi was trying to speak through me. At the time, however, something 'real' had happened, and I because I was at an impressionable age, I immediately latched onto it as what I was 'searching' for.

"'Magic' is a word that creates images of freedom, lightness, super-ability, intoxication, glow and abundance. The psychological elements of spirituality in combination with its physiological elements create a space where the imagery produced by 'magic' can be real. It's not at all supernatural, but it is outside the perceived everyday experience."

Sadie: You write, "I believe in the bold and fiery expansion of the incalculable universe and in the small incalculable spark of the individual epiphanic experience. " This is a beautiful statement of your belief in the divine. How do you bring that sense of the mystic into your everyday life?

Yielding: "I wish I could say I do. But I do not make a conscience effort to celebrate the things that are deserving of celebration as often as I should. Perhaps, when I perform acts that can only be altruistic, when I reach out in empathy; these are manifestations of that statement. But I'm not a particularly altruistic or empathetic person.

"I suspect we all have moments when we feel more in tune with the universe, or with our 'God,' or with each other. I don't have much success 'willing' those moments to happen. I do believe the spiritual can be practiced and perfected, but the drive to do so must exist. It doesn't often exist for me, although when it does, I recognize a serenity of such magnitude that I can't imagine why I wouldn't be motivated to chase it all the time. When I'm attuned with my spiritual side I am a better human being. I can't envision anything more significant in our experience here on earth."

Sadie: You wrote "I believe that the artist formerly known as God is, and can remain unnamable; that the god of the bible is nothing more than a figment of our collective imaginations; an escape from our greatest of fears, non-existence; created in our own image and flawed beyond repair. I believe all things men have told me are wrong; wrong in motive and in reason, and wrong in the eyes of the god they created, in whom I believe." This may well be self defining, but could you talk a little more about what you have learned about god that is wrong, that you have now found to be different? How has your new belief system affected your BDSM philosophy?

Yielding: Yes, to say that it is other than self-defining would be to limit God, and to constrain the spirituality of others to parameters that work for me. What I believe is 'wrong' with the Judeo-Christian model of God is that it has been created in our own image, with all the characteristics, good and bad, of humans. The God I grew up with was a force to fear, not to embrace; it was vengeful, unpredictable, angry, and spiteful. Nevertheless, if humans didn't embrace this scary presence, they were doomed to an eternity of suffering. I saw this creation as a man-made method of avoiding death; if God existed, we didn't have to end. More, fear of death and the subsequent belief in a force that could insure eternal life was an effective and convenient means of insuring order and defining justice in earthly society. The Judeo-Christian God has changed with the times; change in character is a function of man, not a function of a God. I can explain the unexplainable nature of a supreme being when I admit that I am not capable of understanding it except in human terms. Then I no longer feel the need to qualify or justify 'God.' I only need to justify my own actions in terms of a creator I can understand."

Sadie: What are the parameters that you think need to be present for dom or subspace to move into a more spiritual realm? Or is it all the same thing?

Yielding: "In my opinion, it's all the same thing. One time may be more intense than another, but the physical and emotional changes of subspace mimic those of the fundamentalist guy who flops on the floor after being 'touched' by the holy spirit. There is an unexplainable sense of abundance, intensity, and insight, and an inexplicable desire to let those forces overpower your sense of reserve. I believe all spiritual experiences begin with psychological freedom and a surplus of positive energy, whether individual or communal."

Sadie: How did your experiences with this realm change your BDSM practice? Did they change your life as well?

Yielding: "By the time I started practicing BDSM, I felt I had a handle on my spirituality issues, so it didn't change any practice. However, without having gone through the process of resolution, I probably would never have allowed myself to experience BDSM. I didn't recognize self-fulfillment as a path to personal growth, and further, I didn't know that personal growth was necessary to effect positive change in one's environment.

"Resolving my spiritual issues did change my life in that it allowed me to begin experiencing life rather than dreading the possible negative afterlife. It took an extraordinary amount of worry out of existence, and it created an opportunity for me to let go of judgments that kept me away from people whose philosophies differed from my own.

Sadie: You compared the ability to put yourself into subspace to being able to see the images in a "Magic Eye" drawing. Those drawings seem to require the ability to let go to a certain extent, and allow your eyes to "step back" into a space where they are not focusing - something counterintuitive. In what ways is this similar to your moving into subspace?

Yielding: "Counterintuitive is the perfect word. Subspace is not a natural condition; looking at a 'Magic Eye' drawing is not using natural vision. When a person sees one of those drawings, they know something else is there, unrevealed, and the trick is to find it. In a BDSM scene, the submissive knows something other than her pain is possible, and again, the trick is to find it. The methods by which we reveal the picture, or slip into subspace are essentially the same. We redirect our focus, and look for what is unrevealed. Both require physical changes to achieve this goal. Visual changes are necessary to reveal the drawing, some sort of physical stimulation is necessary to achieve subspace. Eventually, a 'Magic Eye' drawing takes very little effort to discern. Likewise, subspace can be achieved with less and less effort on the part of both Dominant and submissive.

"That is not to say that subspace is not a physiological event. Endorphin levels are obviously a factor. But like a Magic eye drawing, an effort is made on the part of the viewer to discern the picture within; I believe an effort is required on the submissive's part to attain subspace, even if that effort is no more than the willingness to be there."

Sadie: You wrote about the emotional stages that you experienced when going through an isolation punishment. What were these stages, and how did you deal with them, being as you were alone?

Yielding: "When I first talked about these stages, I felt that I had hit upon something new and as yet, unexplored. Since then, I find that a psychological theory proposed by J.W. Brehm in 1966 and applied to Master/slave relationships explains it all. (I was obviously not a psych major.) It's application is discussed at www.enslavement.org.uk and I believe its basic principles can be applied to both Master/slave relationships and Dominant/submissive relationships. It explains the stages far more competently than I was able to do in my original essay, and further has led me to the realization that my attempts at explanation were clumsy and unclear.

"When I first recognized and dealt with reactance during the isolation punishment above, I had a period in which my discomfort levels were not being terribly challenged (I wasn't in pain, I wasn't yet bored, etc.) during which time, very little happened. When I recognized that I was not going to be allowed to come out of isolation before the prescribed time, my first thought was that I could open the door and walk out - which would have restored the freedom to interact that had been taken away. Granted, it would have caused a whole new set of circumstances, and for that reason, after brief consideration, I chose not to open the door against my Master's will.

"Reactance theory states that the desire for the perceived freedom becomes more intense when it is taken away, and the second stage included annoyance about how much time was being 'wasted' in isolation when so many more important things could have been being accomplished.. Although I knew that if I were out of isolation, the 'wasted' time would probably be spent in watching TV, going online or any number of non-productive activities, I had a greater desire to be doing those things than before.

"The third stage was an attempt to regain my freedom indirectly. I took the time to make myself a little bed of clothes and blankets so I would be comfortable in case I needed to sit down. Master Stern had not issued a directive against this, and I wasn't sure if it was OK or not, but I exercised a 'freedom' of another kind and chose to create something comfortable in the midst of discomfort. I then directed my anger toward him, rather than toward my own behavior. I voiced my discomfort by making whining and whimpering noises knowing full well he would not approve of that kind of behavior.

"The final stage was realization and acceptance. It was obvious that no amount of situational manipulation on my part was going to keep me from having to endure the punishment. There was, in essence, nothing I could do to effect change. Although I had been feeling sorry for myself, I accepted that I was in isolation because I had no other choice. (When I say 'no choice,' I mean no choice that could viably work and still allow me the relationship I want.)

"Acceptance did not make the rest of the punishment easier to endure, but it gave me a clear vision and an explanation I found rational. I understood that the freedom was being denied because to do any less would be counterproductive to the goals of the relationship."

Sadie: During this punishment, you reached a place that you call "slave space" which is not the same as subspace, saying that it "began with emotional detachment from the punishment and simple acceptance of my role." Can you tell me a little more about what this felt like?

Yielding: "It was, the first time, like one of those 'tiny' enlightenment experiences; not big enough to change your whole life, but just big enough to change your way of thinking in one area. It was a small awakening effected by deliberately backing away from emotion and stepping toward reason. Reason resulted in emotional change and convinced me that balance between the two is absolutely necessary.

Sadie: You write that "we believe that anecdotal information about our personal lives and how we came to the point of being able to embrace our deepest desires is of little interest to anyone but us, and is discernable through our pages." And yet your website includes photos of a deeply intimate nature. What do you see as the differences between writing about your personal lives and the photographs that depict your personal lives?

Yielding: When I go to a website, the portions I tend to skip are the biographies. I consider myself to be a fairly sophisticated reader, and when I run across a quality site, I'm far more interested in the content than the personal story of its creator. I find the coming-of-BDSM-age stories to be pretty much the same. I'd rather read personal theories, insights, or articles that speak to me right now. I've already discovered my interest. While bios and personal journeys may be of great value to those who are still searching, they just aren't terribly interesting to me anymore.

"We designed the web site because I was continually searching for sites that dealt with 24/7 or Master/slave relationships. There wasn't much out there, and what little I did find left me wanting more. We wanted to create a place for people who had already gone through the beginning stages, had already learned about safety issues, had already participated in BDSM scenes and relationships, and were specifically looking for a 24/7 experience.

"Initially, we included the pictures to increase traffic and hoped that people who were truly interested would explore the rest of the site, too. We deliberately used pictures of me rather than staged photos of perfect models. While models would certainly be far more erotic than personal pictures, running them would be running the risk of not being taken seriously. We're very committed to our lifestyle and what we say on the website. A 'jerk-off' gallery would render the rest of the site unbelievable. Our image gallery doesn't change - once you've seen it, that's it.

"Moreover, I don't look at the pictures as being especially intimate. Public play has made me immune to feeling uncomfortable about nudity, and slavery leaves little room for a personal sense of embarrassment. The most intimate moments between Master Stern and myself could not appear on the website; they happen when we are alone, and we don't record them.

"We have invited anyone to write us if they are truly interested in our personal stories; as yet, no one has. :)"

Sadie: Thank you very much for chatting with me!

Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

©2003 Sadie Sez Publications